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Michelle L. Torigian

~ God Goes Pop Culture

Michelle L. Torigian

Category Archives: Pop Culture

Not Today, Death

28 Sunday Apr 2019

Posted by mictori in Pop, Pop Culture

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Arya Stark, Battle of Winterfell, Easter, Game of Thrones, pop culture, Resurrection

This contains Game of Thrones season 8, episode 3 spoilers.

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Not today, Death.

Now, I haven’t been on the Game of Thrones bandwagon too long. But since I’ve been watching the past two seasons in real-time and now going back to watch from the beginning, I’m seeing a phrase that Arya Stark learns in season one and follows her into the intense moments of season eight: “Not today, Death.”

This phrase gave Arya the energy she needed to rise about the negativity, the doubt, the potential death she could be facing and take care of a major, necessary task which would save Winterfell and many, many people.

Being people who live into resurrection, we as the followers of Jesus the Christ embrace this statement each year through the season of Easter. Death could not contain the Christ and his love in a tomb. Death could not stop the movement of his passion to love his neighbor or the Good News of new life and grace.

So like Arya Stark on Winterfell’s Good Friday, we say

Not today, Death.

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Women’s Agency and Autonomy on Trial

20 Thursday Sep 2018

Posted by mictori in Current Events, Pop, Pop Culture

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Brett Kavanaugh, Christine Blasey Ford, hearings, Lot's Daughters, rape, SCOTUS, sexual abuse, sexual assault, sexual harassment, Supreme Court

supreme-court-546279_1920

Shrugging off has been our mode of coping.  Most of us women have shrugged sexual assault or harassment as it was happening – either because we hadn’t wrapped our minds around what happened or we know we wouldn’t be believed.

And we, ourselves, do not want to go on trial when we did nothing wrong.

It’s exhausting to live in a word in which we have to be hyper-vigilant while also knowing that even in our vigilance we may still be taken advantage of.  Even when we work to ensure our own safety and assault occurs, we know we will transformed from victim/survivor to evil voice.  We will become the demon, the Eve, the Jezebel, the Gomer – all wrapped into one – when coming forth about the incident.

Living eighteen years after the turn of the millennium and nearly 100 years after women began to get the right to vote (although not all women), we still fall short of what it means to be fully human.

There’s a message we hear from our leaders and institutions:

We don’t care about your bodies.  We don’t care about your health.  We don’t care about your livelihood.  In many ways like people of color or immigrants or LGBTQ people, you matter less.

We don’t want you to make decisions about your bodies.  We want to make them.  We want to use them when it is convenient for us.  We want to control them to ensure that a traditional patriarchal system continues.  We want to dispose of them when they no longer suit us or if they don’t fit our ideal standard for what a woman should be.

This is how it feels.

And when I read the story of Lot offering his daughters to be raped just to keep the men whole and holy, it makes me sick.  It’s not just a story that was told centuries before the birth of Jesus.  It’s also a story in which many people believe is the inspired Word of God.

So God would rather women be raped than men?  Why do either need to be raped?  Why are we not bettering our systems to hold rapists accountable?

Which brings us to this standing theology: Men’s bodies are holy.  Womens bodies are sinful and unclean.  Men are to be believed.  Women should endure pain because they aren’t as fully human as men, right?

(As someone who endures chronic pain due to reproductive health issues, I’ve felt dismissed by doctors on more than one occasion – even female doctors.  I’ve seen the health of my friends dismissed as I’ve notice the maternal mortality rate hanging too high for a developed nation.)

Between this story of alleged rape, the story that Kavanaugh wanted female clerks with a “certain” look, and his record on women’s reproductive health care rights, I see the larger picture of Kavanaugh and how he values – or doesn’t – women’s autonomy and agency.

And I know – he hired many women to serve as his clerks.  But the way a Generation X man devalues a woman will be different than a man who is a Boomer or from an earlier generation.  The way that one man devalues a woman is different than man from another generation or a man from his own generation.  He may hire a woman because he knows that women provide intellectual services yet may still believe that a woman still holds less autonomy and agency in other areas of her existence.  A man can appreciate a woman’s mind while still objectifying a woman’s body.

So I stand against any nominee for the SCOTUS or anyone leader in our Executive or Legislative Branch who carries on this ethos of male supremacy.  I stand against a system that doesn’t question what he’s done or the choices he has made.  Shouldn’t we have learned something from the time that Clarence Thomas was accused?  It’s been well over 25 years; shouldn’t we be farther along in the process of full autonomy and dignity for all women?  Shouldn’t we choose presidents who don’t take advantage of subordinates or assault women or pay women or brag about what they can do to women without their full consent?  There are men in both parties who have devalued women.  Why do they still have power?

We are women.  We deserve to walk at night or go to parties or hang out in social clubs or anything else without having to worry about being raped.  We deserve to go to work without being harassed.  We deserve to go to doctors and be believed because we know something isn’t right with our bodies.  We are not disposable, and we are fully human.

When will the powers-that-be in America and across the world believe us?

Or will we humans still be having this conversation in three thousand years – just like the story of Lot’s daughters?

Dr. Christine Blasey Ford – I believe you.  You are a beloved child of God.  You are made in the Image of God.  No one can take that from you – no matter how hard they try in these next few days.  And we have your back.

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A Prayer for the Cast and Crew

08 Wednesday Aug 2018

Posted by mictori in Church Life, Pop, Pop Culture, Prayers

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Actor, Actors, Actress, Actresses, Backstage, Cast, Cast and Crew, Crew, Director, Musical, Musicians, Performers, Play, Prayer, Prayers, Stage, Theater, Theatre

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Creating God, Divine Inspiration-
For human imagination we give gratitude.

We ask for blessings upon performers inhabiting stages
And opening themselves up to the present moment.
May their joy for the craft be contagious to all.

For the costumers and sound production technicians,
For the makeup artists and light operators,
For the ones preparing props and raising curtains-
May Your wisdom fill their minds and Your precision fill their hands.

For directors, choreographers, stage managers, and orchestral directors-
May their positive leadership infuse all people active in the production.
May Your vision dance within their heads
And Your dreams fill their souls.

We give thanks for the hospitality of ushers
And the presence of the audience.
May the shared experience of the show be one in which we grow to love humanity.

Bless all cast and crew – no matter who they are or what part they play.
Like Your world, it takes all of us acting together-
Using our sacred time and our unique talents-
To make Your Divine-infused creation to revolve.

Amen.

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Art and Life in Step: The Handmaid and the Refugee Parent

20 Wednesday Jun 2018

Posted by mictori in Current Events, Pop, Pop Culture, Social Justice, Television

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Art, children, Immigrants, Immigration, June, Life, Offred, parents, refugee, refugees, separation, The Handmaid's Tale

This post contains spoilers for The Handmaid’s Tale, season 2, episode 10.

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I can’t imagine a more apropos episode of The Handmaid’s Tale for today.

Earlier today, I saw the following Instagram from Elizabeth Moss:

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I had a feeling I knew where this episode was going…

After some very brutal scenes earlier in the episode that needs a trigger warning, the last 1/3 of the show presents us with a familiar storyline. June/Offred is granted the opportunity to visit her daughter Hannah and spend a few rare moments with her child. As we see earlier in the series, the child was kidnapped from her parents and June was forced into sexual and surrogate slavery.

The conversation is heartbreaking. As their visit continues, the child asks her (former) mother why she didn’t try hard enough to look for her. She hides behind the Martha as she is so unfamiliar with the woman that gave birth to her and raised her for the early years of her life. Hannah screams out for her mother as people pry the child out of the mother’s arms at the end of their short visit. The two do not know whether or not they will see each other again.

So this is just another dystopian series, right?

Or is this too real?

What we see in this episode and hear on the news are eerily similar: children being ripped from the arms and lives of their parents.

(As they filmed the episode, I highly doubt they knew this episode would be airing this week of all weeks.)

Like what is going on today, the party who very much wants to push a pro-family platform destroys families that cross their path.  Children are ripped from the lives of their parents, undoubtedly crying themselves to sleep as they abide in a world of uncertainty.

Some people believe it’s part of God’s plan or divine intervention that such horrific moves are made. They want us to follow they demands of the government instead of God’s ethics. And yet, as they continue to believe they are the good guys, our world becomes like Canada in The Handmaid’s Tale: seeing a humanitarian crisis unfold.

Like some posts I’ve seen online this week, leaders in the Bible who separated children from their parents were not the “good guys.” Rather, they were Pharaoh and Herod. They were notorious not only for taking children away but killing them as well.

I don’t think any “Good Christian” wants to identify with the two of them. But here our Jesus-professing leaders are- following in their footsteps.

Dystopia is a breath away from us right now, America. When children and parents are ripped apart from one another, and the children are kept in cages, not allowed to be picked by adults, and may never see their parents again, the distopian nightmare is real.

You may read this and say the refugees have broken the law. But they came here because their living conditions were so unstable and dangerous. And we turn our backs on them. We’ve been told over and over in Scripture that we are to care for the orphan, widow, and alien/stranger, and we ignore the many Biblical texts that give us this mandate. No matter what the law says or what the powers-that-be want the law to look like, Jesus was (1) a refugee and (2) a law breaker as he healed on the sabbath. Our powers-that-be wish to forget this.

I encourage each of you to watch the last 1/3 of the episode. Hear the screams between mother and child. Watch the tears swelling in their eyes. This is not fiction. This is not dystopia. This is America in 2018.

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Hagar, the Handmaid, and the Other Women

09 Wednesday May 2018

Posted by mictori in Current Events, Pop, Pop Culture, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1 Timothy 2, Abraham, Abram, concubine, Feminist Theology, Genesis 16, Genesis 21, Hagar, June, Mother's Day, Offred, Other Women, patriarchy, Pop Culture and Theology, Sarah, Sarai, Season 2, Serena Joy, slave, The Handmaid's Tale, theology

IMG_8226Note: This post includes spoilers from The Handmaid’s Tale, season 2, episode 4 entitled “Other Women.”

I see the story of Hagar in a brand new light.

Imagine that Hagar, concubine of Abram, as a young woman forced to live with a family in a new society framework.   Imagine that as they analyze her monthly cycle, she is required to have sexual relations with the man of the house.  Imagine that she cannot say no to the process – that this is her life.

This is the life of handmaid Offred – June – in the story The Handmaid’s Tale.  And this is essentially the story of Hagar.

What do we know about Hagar?  Chapter 16 of Genesis tells us that she was a slave.  She was Egyptian.  She is accused by Sarai of contempt.  She is abused by Sarai and runs away.  Years later, after she gives birth to Ishmael, she is thrown out of the community with little resources and forced into the wilderness only with her child.

The mother of Ishmael was a handmaid.  She was forced to conceive against her will.

June/Offred is Hagar.  And Hagar is a handmaid.  Like Hagar, June couldn’t say no.  Like Hagar she was property, and one of her jobs was to serve as a surrogate – a working reproductive system – for a more-privileged couple.  Like Hagar, she will undoubtedly be cast aside after she gives birth.

See the wilderness where Hagar is cast?  The Colonies may appear different, but they are exile, nonetheless.

June is viewed by Serena Joy through a lens of jealousy.  Sarai saw Hagar through a similar lens of envy, and Sarai expressed that jealousy by abusing Hagar.  In Genesis 16, Sarai is told by her husband that she can do what she wants to with her slave Hagar.  It states that Sarai “dealt harshly” with Hagar which resulted in Hagar running away.  June also runs away… only to be captured again by the powers-that-be.  While the Genesis 16 texts states that Hagar is convinced by God to go back, was that the way it really would happen?  Would God instruct a slave to return to their abusive masters?

Do I believe Hagar wanted to “show contempt” with Sarai?  No.  Do I believe that she was wrongly accused.  Probably.  If she showed contempt it was because Hagar was given the opportunity to feel some power in a powerless situation.  While it says that Sarai has the power, in all honesty, Abram has all of the power.  The patriarchal systems during the time of Abram and Sarai allowed some women to have power over others.  In all actuality, the system put into place by the men during the time fostered a environment where the women hated one another – just like in Gilead.

Sound familiar?  Like Sarai, Serena Joy has power over the handmaid but is also a slave in the system.  She is complicit and a pawn.  June lives in an oppressive system which favors some women over others with handmaids being physically and emotionally abused by the other women – especially by the wives and Aunt Lydia.

Abram looks like the innocent soul in all of this.  Frankly, after watching this show, I can no longer see how this makes Abram greater than Fred.  Abram undoubtedly has sex with Hagar against her will – or at the very least without her free and willing consent.  The patriarchy gives permission to the men to reign over the rest of the society as they peg women against women to achieve their goals.

Is it much different today?  There are slaves in our world- ones that are forced to work and have sex in order to build society and some men’s egos.  We see how slaves are rented to men for a night of sex.  Very often, what appears to be prostitution is the story of women who are forced to be a part of physical intimacy against their will.

But there is another part of all of this.  And with Mother’s Day coming up, I feel like it needs to be said: our system is built on women comparing themselves to other women.  Having children is a vital piece of the patriarchal puzzle.  How we look and with whom we are connected are other pieces.

For those of us who have not had children – and especially those who have truly wanted to give birth – it feel like a club that we are not a part of.  It feels like we’ve been left out of something truly great.  And I wonder if our society has allowed motherhood to be used as another “us vs. them” tool.

The us vs. them was felt by Sarai and Hagar.  It’s seen every time Serena Joy experiences her devastation with her own unspoken infertility.  It’s seen when June wants to return to her own life but can’t.  And it’s experienced by many in our time.

“Women shall be saved through childbirth.”  That’s what 1 Timothy 2 says.  That’s how Hagar was undoubtedly able to have a decent life for many years.  It’s also why people use words like “you don’t know what love is until you have a child.”  But it’s a message that isn’t true.  Women are valuable on their own – no matter if they are married, who they are married to, if they’ve had children, how they’ve became a mother, or whose child they are.

While motherhood is a calling by God to some women, we as a society need to stop placing it on all woman as a requirement for salvation here on earth or in heaven.  We need to stop this toxic message of us versus them.  We are women – all of us.  Married, single, parent, childless – all of us are valuable children of God and made in God’s image.

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The First to Go

26 Thursday Apr 2018

Posted by mictori in Current Events, Pop, Pop Culture, Social Justice, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Armenian Genocide, Armenian Genocide 1915, decapitation strike, freedom of the press, intellectuals, Jesus, June, massacre of intellectuals, Offred, religious freedom, The Handmaid's Tale

battle-board-board-game-700971I was a student in my father’s honor’s Civics class during my freshman year of high school.  For some reason, I remember more from that class than many others.  The time period was late Cold War; often talked about was Glasnost – a concept of openness that (I’m sure) many wish was present in that land today.

It should have come to no surprise that he told our class that he would be one of the first rounded up in some authoritarian regimes.  As a teacher – and a teacher of government who encouraged critical thinking – a government which completely controlled the people would round educators like him up and either imprison them indefinitely or kill them immediately.

His dad (my grandfather) was the survivor of the Armenian Genocide in 1915.  The official day of recognition falls on the anniversary of Red Sunday in which many Armenian intellectuals were arrested.  Many later perished in prison.

From my previous research of the Armenian Genocide, I remember events at the beginning of the atrocities.  As I looked up this information today, I found a term in which I wasn’t familiar: decapitation strike.  Apparently, as a means of achieving instability and removing leadership, one party will round up leaders and intellectuals to decentralize power and avoid resistance.  In genocides of people, the oppressors will use opportunities like this to control the remainder of their opposition, remove their resourceful leaders who are the heart and head of the movement, and allow them to live in a state of fear.

As my dad said – those who provide knowledge (especially contradictory to the oppressors) or allow for freedom of thought are the first to go.

With the anniversary of the genocide happening the day prior to the release of second season episodes of The Handmaid’s Tale, I suppose I was thinking this when I was watching the season two, episode two. 

(SPOILER ALERT)

June/Offred is on the run.  Members of the underground movement trying to help her escape take her to The Boston Globe offices.  Obviously, the offices are empty, but as June walks around (and discovers where she is), she sees desks waiting for their workers with family photographs and Boston Red Sox gear.  Then she enters another area of the offices and sees a row of nooses dangling from the ceiling.  Nearby is a wall with a number of bullet holes.  Journalists and others who worked at the newspaper were killed in those very spots.

Because when the intellectuals and those who provide information are still alive as an authoritarian regime rises, they pose a threat.  And this is always something to keep in mind when we repeatedly hear “fake news” from our leaders about reputable news sources.  The powers-that-be are weakening the values of a healthy country – one that encourages freedom of thought and freedom of the press.

I think back to what my dad said thirty years ago, and something else comes to mind: I would now be part of that group.  When those of us who are leaders, knowledge-providers and proponents of critical thinking are in opposition the authoritarian regime in our land, we must realize that we, too, could be the ones imprisoned or killed.  Now, I don’t think this is going to happen here anytime soon – at least I hope not.  But we all must stay awake to the possibility that these things can happen anywhere at anytime.

They happened to the leaders of Armenia 103 years ago, including to another 45-year-old clergy member with the last name Torigian: Father Vaghinag Torigian.  He refused to give information to the oppressive powers, realizing that he would probably lose his life either way but knowing that he would if he didn’t comply.

Unless we learn from the past just like George Santayana said, atrocities will happen again.  But we must keep moving forward to work for justice – even in scary and threatening times.  This is what it means to “take up the cross.”  We must be willing to fully live into our values – even if our lives our threatened.  Jesus did.  He was willing to be authentic to his faith by not only sharing God’s love, but standing on the side of the people and against the powers-that-be.

Depending on what you think of Christianity and faith, some may see that Jesus was also one of the first to go of his new faith movement…

That’s what has happened when the Armenian Genocide started.  To some: justice is more valuable than life.  It’s our call to ensure that all people are treated fully human and that our agency remains intact.

Are we willing to go to the cross… or be shot… or hung for what we believe?

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My Ethos

19 Thursday Apr 2018

Posted by mictori in Life, Pop, Pop Culture, Social Justice

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ethos, Immigration, Justice, justice for women, LGBT, lgbt justice, Michelle Torigian, personal beliefs, racial justice, Social Justice, theology

ancient-architecture-art-784668 (2)

There will be some changes I’ll be announcing on here in the near future, but for the time being, I thought I would post something about who I am at my spiritual core:

I believe in the full humanity and dignity of all people – no matter their race, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, religion, immigration status and country of origin, marital status, and ability.  And I believe that in each of those defining characteristics there are people who are privileged and people who aren’t.  To me, Jesus would have stood up for and next to the people who were not the privileged ones and challenged the privileged to see their place in the systems of oppression.  

All of us are children of God and made in the image of God.  And we are called to love our neighbors as ourselves. 

So if you see me post an article or write a blog post or preach a sermon and you may not agree with my perspective, please know that I’m approaching the subject from the perspective that I want all people to understand that all people are equally made in the image of God.  I will stand up against unjust systems by writing or attending rallies.  From pulpits, however, I will not preach partisan politics.  Instead, I will approach current day happenings through the lens of the gospels and the prophets.  And in this day and age, that may seem more political than it should.  For many of us, this is how we feel we are faithful to God.

Love is sounding more radical by the day…

It won’t be easy, and I encourage you to call me or visit with me to try and understand why I have approached the topic as I have.  But I hope that we will grow through the process of conversation.

May we all be blessed as we muddle through these sacred conversations on love, justice and peace.  Amen.

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Dear NFL…

05 Monday Feb 2018

Posted by mictori in Current Events, Pop, Pop Culture, Social Justice, Sports

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Tags

#janetjacksonappreciationday, boycotting, chronic traumatic encephalopathy, Colin Kaepernick, domestic violence, homophobia, injustice, intersectionality, Janet Jackson, kneeling, NFL, NFL Cheerleaders, police brutality, Poverty, racism, sexism, Sports, Super Bowl, Superbowl

field-sport-ball-america

Dear NFL, it’s so over.

You’ve had chance after chance to do the right thing in many circumstances, but the powers that be in your organization and teams continue to make choices that oppress people who are not hyper-masculine, straight white male.

Let’s begin with race.

It’s seems as though you are using bodies for your own profit.  And often, it’s the bodies of black males.  You use them for your own entertainment, like in the days of the gladiators in the arenas.  (How many have had repeated concussions and now have chronic traumatic encephalopathy?)  Yet when they have an opinion that diverts from your owners or viewers, then they magically do not get their contracts renewed.  Funny – their talent is greater than many players out there, but they aren’t playing.  Colin Kaepernick is a good-hearted soul that wants justice in our world.  He spends his resources building up other people.  And yet he’s the one who has been unofficially banned from playing for using his agency to make the world aware of police brutality.

Secondly, you also forget the women.

There’s the issue of the cheerleaders who get paid less than minimum wage and must spend their own resources to keep their looks in top shape.  (Two articles to read are here and here.  Additionally, I wrote a piece on this blog here.)

And football player-related arrests tend to be related to domestic violence and sexual assault.   The most frustrating thing about the response by the NFL is the minimal punishment (two to four game suspension like in the 2014 case of Ray Rice).  A player committing violence against his partner is only ousted for a couple of games; a player peacefully protesting police brutality gets ousted indefinitely.

Furthermore, when riches and partiers gather at a Super Bowl city, trafficking tends to increase.  Women and children are sold for a price for their bodies.  The cities do what they can to watch for signs of traffickers and victims; yet according to this 2017 article, the NFL is in denial that such events take place at their precious event each year.

And you’ve managed to brush aside openly gay football players.

Again we fall upon widespread hyper-masculinity when seeing that there has never been an openly gay active NFL player, and few have come out after retiring.  Michael Sam was drafted far into the draft and was eventually released – never mind his stellar NCAA record.

I’m sure that if you haven’t cared much about the other three groups, you’ve tried to ignore how you’ve played the intersections of race and gender.  And with this I’m talking about Janet.  (And since you are nasty, it’s Ms. Jackson to you, NFL.)  Two people were part of the act.  Ms. Jackson was publicly shamed and has been snubbed for many years.  Her partner in the 2014 act will be leading the halftime show.  She’s an African-American female.  He’s a white male.  There’s a pattern developing here…

And lastly, let’s think about wealth and your system, NFL.  When I go on Instagram, I will see a host of celebrities with their photos at the game.  I will also see a host of your friends taking selfies at their homes in front of the chicken wings.  It’s because the cost of a ticket is almost $3,000.  And the tickets went up 31% compared to last year.  All games can be expensive, but when the tickets are this expensive, a person would have to work 413 hours at minimum wage to buy a ticket.

It would be nice if a certain percentage of tickets would go at a fair price to the average American consumer.  But from my experience working at the Super Bowl hospitality village immediately before the 2001 game in Tampa, I saw how many corporate partners get tickets for the game, and how many get fed and provided libations in their own little tents inside the village right before the game.

NFL, you’ve managed to marginalize people of color, women, the LGBT community and working-class people.  So as you see it’s you, not me.   I avoided the entirety of your game and halftime show.  I wrote and watched a movie on television.  I still ate guacamole and chips, but instead of watching men of color used for their bodies and women on the sidelines objectified for a small fee, I chose to watch Kylie Jenner’s baby video instead.

(That’s right.  Kardashians over you, NFL.)

Regards,
Michelle

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Your Sacred Noes – A RevGalBlogPals Devotional

18 Thursday Jan 2018

Posted by mictori in Life, Pop, Pop Culture

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#metoo, #timesup, Consent, EReader, King Ahasuerus, RevGalBlogPals, sexual abuse, sexual assault, Vashti

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“But Queen Vashti refused to come at the king’s command conveyed by the eunuchs. At this the king was enraged, and his anger burned within him.” – Esther 1:12

In Esther 1, King Ahasuerus asks for his wife Vashti to dance for him and his friends. His request for her to be willingly objectified is met with a resounding “no” resulting in Vashti’s banishment.

Would Vashti have repeated her “no” if she knew the consequence?  

Noes are complicated but not meant to be fluid.  They are a part of our everyday negotiating in each of our relationships.

To read the remainder of the article, please go to the RevGalBlogPals Weekly E-Reader.

 

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#MeToo, #TimesUp, Aziz Ansari, and Gray Areas

15 Monday Jan 2018

Posted by mictori in Current Events, Life, Pop, Pop Culture

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#metoo, #timesup, Aziz Ansari, Babe, Me Too, The Atlantic, Times Up

downloadI read an account in which a woman with the pseudonym “Grace” details a night of intimacy with actor Aziz Ansari on the website Babe.  The account is one in which the woman agrees to go to his home after a short date.  As the night progresses she indicates her discomfort with his actions, feeling pressured to engage in acts.

Granted, it’s not rape.  It’s not exactly sexual assault.  But there’s something not exactly healthy about the experience anyway.  (Part of the account notes that he “wouldn’t let her move away from him.”)

Reading the article has the potential to give woman that disgusting feeling in their guts – a familiar feeling because of the common experience of many women.

And then The Atlantic releases an article to challenge the integrity of the women coming forward to hold him accountable by a woman-from-another-generation who essentially victim-blames Grace.

We’ve entered the gray area part of the #MeToo discussion that cannot completely be isolated from the #MeToo movement.  The resistance of men to be self-aware of their behavior and aware of the verbal and non-verbal reactions of women is still a part of the consent conversation.

Reading the account in the Babe article made me uncomfortable – maybe because it’s not the most healthiest of experiences.  Maybe because I’ve heard stories like this from others.  These are stories that make your skin crawl, and the emotions that we’ve heard in this article are quite common.

When The Atlantic article was posted online, men AND women responded by slamming this woman for her account, engaging in the disgusting behavior of “slut-shaming” and “victim-blaming”.  They are now questioning why she engaged like she did and why she didn’t leave his apartment.

If a woman has limited self-esteem, feels intimidated by her date, or really believes that things will turn around with the date, she may decide to stay.  A feminist man can’t really be this way, can he?  Could questions like this have been swirling around in Grace’s head?

And even more than any of these reasons – if the man is charismatic and is focused solely on his on sense of his own pleasure and feeling a heightened sense of (unhealthy) power by this experience, then he may be ignoring any verbal or non-verbal indications that she does not want this physical attention.  Men often forget that they have an easier opportunity to misuse their power in sexual situations.  In turn, women will forget that they have agency in the moment.

For this event, Aziz Ansari should not be fired or jailed.  I still believe Ansari wants what’s best for women in his conscious mind.  But he needs to be aware of his behavior and the reactions of the women with whom he is intimate.  If he is going to wear a #TimesUp pin he must be willing to engage the ways in which he’s fallen short.  All men need to evaluate their behavior as they become intimate with women, and all men need to be a part of this conversation.  And this is why The Atlantic article is incorrect in their assumption that these allegations and the resulting conversations are “very, very dangerous.”*

If two people are physically intimate with one another – no matter if emotional and spiritual intimacy is present – the two need to connect somehow in the present moment to see how the other person may be withdrawing or how they may be hesitant.  The space must be safe for all involved.

Finally, this conversation must take place alongside the #MeToo and #TimesUp conversations.  It’s not a distraction from it.  It’s not the movement going too far.  And it’s not proof that the movement is a “witch hunt.”  When women face violation and loss of agency in their intimate experiences, it’s more than a bad date.  This may not exactly be rape or assault, but without a doubt a violation of trust.

 

*NOTE: One piece of The Atlantic article which I believe is worth commending is the way it questions the awareness of white women making accusations on brown-skinned men.  Are we as rapid in responding when white males do the same?  There are many times white males have acted in this way and the conversation goes very quiet by white women.  We need to do better making sure white men are held equally if not more accountable and that they hear our concerns regarding this intimacy gray space.  No matter what, we cannot stop talking about any story, and we must listen to experiences of our sisters of all races, socioeconomic levels, religions, and sexual orientations – especially women of color.

*****

Would you like to know more about the Time’s Up initiative.  Please go to https://www.timesupnow.com/

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