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Michelle L. Torigian

~ God Goes Pop Culture

Michelle L. Torigian

Tag Archives: domestic violence

A National “Stop Bullying Day” Prayer

12 Wednesday Oct 2022

Posted by mictori in National Day Prayers, Prayers

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Adult Bullying, Bullying, Bullying in families, Bullying in Schools, Bullying in the Church, Child Bullying, domestic violence, Domestic Violence Awareness Month, National Day Prayers

Holy Creator of Loving-Kindness,

In this moment, we know the mouths of people are tearing up the hearts of your children.
In this hour, our siblings are crying tears from the hate setting this world on fire.
Words melt hope.
Words erase progress and possibilities.
And as our friends are working to pick themselves up again, more venomous sentiments inflame their weary souls.

In this moment, may we work to build up the hearts of your children.
In this hour, may we dry the tears and build joy as we calm the flames of hate.
May we build hope in the hearts of our neighbors.
May possibilities and progress appear in the visions and dreams of our loved ones again.

For our souls are too weary to worry about what will come next.

God of love, can you awaken us to the ways we enable hate?
God of grace, can you fill us with ways that we can extend your mercy?
God of hope, can you build a healthy power in each one of us-
A power where we walk away from words, and fists, and systems of destruction?

May your loving-kindness surround us like a refreshing stream,
Cooling us from hostilities and resentments,
And reviving us for the road ahead.

Amen.

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A Prayer for Youth Fearing Summer Break

01 Saturday Jun 2019

Posted by mictori in Life, Pop, Social Justice

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

domestic violence, hunger, Poverty, Prayers, progressive Christianity, Summer, summer break, violence in community, youth

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Possible Trigger Warning of Child Abuse

God of the Midmorning, the Early Summer, the Dusk-

We often focus on the youth who rush out of the classrooms into their summer. We focus on their anticipation of free days and joy like the summers afforded us.

The stars aligned for us… but didn’t for many children.

What we forget is our youths’ dread and concern of extra spending time at home during summer break- houses empty of food and filled with stress and violence.

We forget that they wake in worry of what the day will bring- extra bruises, extra hunger, extra chaos.

May their summer days be filled with activities of fun. As they spend time outdoors, may they find safety in friends and neighbors. May they be able to afford programs that the community offers.

As the fireflies return in the evening, May their homes be filled with peace. May they not feel the emptiness of hunger or the fullness of trauma. May their sleep be restful, and may their tomorrows be overflowing with hope.

Amen.

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Toxic Messages in the Church

01 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by mictori in Current Events, Life, Pop, Social Justice

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Biblical manhood, biblical womanhood, divorce, domestic violence, evangelical, fundamentalism, Hagar, husband, Paige Patterson, separation, Social Justice, Southern Baptist, submit, toxic message

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*Note – Trigger Warning regarding domestic violence

This week, I read a Washington Post article about Paige Patterson, president of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary who had a recording surface in which he stated his beliefs on abuse in marriage.

Patterson stated that a woman should “ask God to intervene” through prayer. He mentioned “You have to do what you can in the home to be submissive in every way that you can and to elevate him.” Paterson also said that he has encouraged women to leave in the worst cases – but only temporarily – because divorce is against God’s will. He released a statement on his previous recording, still not confirming that a woman abused by her husband should permanently leave him.

What Patterson fails to see is that maybe God is intervening in this relationship by calling the abused individual to leave. Sometimes, a woman will give everything she has to be submissive and build her husband’s ego – which Patterson stated she should do. What he doesn’t realize is that her husband will probably still find one tiny thing wrong and take her to task for her imperfection. Praying away abuse does not work but praying for strength to find a healthy life is what is needed in times like this.

What Patterson also does not realize is that abuse often escalates. It may start as emotional manipulation and eventually move to pushing and, later, hitting. When an abuser kills their spouse, it’s often after much time of emotional and physical abuse.

Patterson is far from the only clergy who encourages a wife to stay with her husband during abuse. When going on social media and the internet, many stories surface on the times women have been told by their pastors to stay with their husbands and try harder.

But what about divorce? Doesn’t Malachi 2 state that God hates divorce?

Yes, but does anyone really like divorce? Two people are separating their lives from one another, and no one wants to experience this pain and grief. Yet realizing that the circumstances of the relationship may be unknown to us is crucial. Divorce needs to be placed in the correct context.

In the Hebrew scriptures, the word for divorce meant to abandon or toss out. It was used in texts such as when Abraham expelled Hagar and Ishmael, leaving them vulnerable and without resources. Women didn’t have the same agency during Biblical times as we do today, so these women needed to be married or associated with a man in order to survive. This is not the same as needing to leave a relationship in order to escape abuse. When being abused, women often need to leave in order to survive. Like Abraham and Hagar, abandoning someone who will then experience poverty through divorce is unethical. But abandoning someone in order to find safety is another circumstance altogether.

Women of faith do not deserve being told by their Christian leaders that they must stay in an abusive relationship just because Biblical texts state that divorce is wrong. Women of faith must understand that each of these texts were written in various contexts. The New Testament epistles mentioned that women shall submit to their husbands. However, in Genesis 1, women and men are both created in the image of God. As leaders in the Christian faith, we are called by God to promote a message that all people have dignity and encourage others to make healthy decisions for themselves.

Around this time twenty years ago I left an emotionally abusive relationship. I was exhausted being told over and over that I wasn’t good enough and being blamed for non-issues. The experience made a lasting impact on me. While we were not married, I could see how someone being emotionally abused in a marriage would need to remove themselves from their abuser’s presence. There should not be blame on a woman (or any gender) who leaves a relationship to protect their body, mind and soul. God values each of us and longs for us to love ourselves as God loves us.

Just like God hates it when people leave their significant others destitute in a breakup or divorce, God hates when people manipulate and abuse the ones with whom they are in a relationship. All of us reflect the image of God, and if our significant others do not respect this, then we need to find a new path in our lives.

If you or a friend need additional information on domestic violence or abusive relationships, go to http://www.thehotline.org/ or call 1-800-799-7233.

Originally posted on the SONKA UCC blog.

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Dear NFL…

05 Monday Feb 2018

Posted by mictori in Current Events, Pop, Pop Culture, Social Justice, Sports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#janetjacksonappreciationday, boycotting, chronic traumatic encephalopathy, Colin Kaepernick, domestic violence, homophobia, injustice, intersectionality, Janet Jackson, kneeling, NFL, NFL Cheerleaders, police brutality, Poverty, racism, sexism, Sports, Super Bowl, Superbowl

field-sport-ball-america

Dear NFL, it’s so over.

You’ve had chance after chance to do the right thing in many circumstances, but the powers that be in your organization and teams continue to make choices that oppress people who are not hyper-masculine, straight white male.

Let’s begin with race.

It’s seems as though you are using bodies for your own profit.  And often, it’s the bodies of black males.  You use them for your own entertainment, like in the days of the gladiators in the arenas.  (How many have had repeated concussions and now have chronic traumatic encephalopathy?)  Yet when they have an opinion that diverts from your owners or viewers, then they magically do not get their contracts renewed.  Funny – their talent is greater than many players out there, but they aren’t playing.  Colin Kaepernick is a good-hearted soul that wants justice in our world.  He spends his resources building up other people.  And yet he’s the one who has been unofficially banned from playing for using his agency to make the world aware of police brutality.

Secondly, you also forget the women.

There’s the issue of the cheerleaders who get paid less than minimum wage and must spend their own resources to keep their looks in top shape.  (Two articles to read are here and here.  Additionally, I wrote a piece on this blog here.)

And football player-related arrests tend to be related to domestic violence and sexual assault.   The most frustrating thing about the response by the NFL is the minimal punishment (two to four game suspension like in the 2014 case of Ray Rice).  A player committing violence against his partner is only ousted for a couple of games; a player peacefully protesting police brutality gets ousted indefinitely.

Furthermore, when riches and partiers gather at a Super Bowl city, trafficking tends to increase.  Women and children are sold for a price for their bodies.  The cities do what they can to watch for signs of traffickers and victims; yet according to this 2017 article, the NFL is in denial that such events take place at their precious event each year.

And you’ve managed to brush aside openly gay football players.

Again we fall upon widespread hyper-masculinity when seeing that there has never been an openly gay active NFL player, and few have come out after retiring.  Michael Sam was drafted far into the draft and was eventually released – never mind his stellar NCAA record.

I’m sure that if you haven’t cared much about the other three groups, you’ve tried to ignore how you’ve played the intersections of race and gender.  And with this I’m talking about Janet.  (And since you are nasty, it’s Ms. Jackson to you, NFL.)  Two people were part of the act.  Ms. Jackson was publicly shamed and has been snubbed for many years.  Her partner in the 2014 act will be leading the halftime show.  She’s an African-American female.  He’s a white male.  There’s a pattern developing here…

And lastly, let’s think about wealth and your system, NFL.  When I go on Instagram, I will see a host of celebrities with their photos at the game.  I will also see a host of your friends taking selfies at their homes in front of the chicken wings.  It’s because the cost of a ticket is almost $3,000.  And the tickets went up 31% compared to last year.  All games can be expensive, but when the tickets are this expensive, a person would have to work 413 hours at minimum wage to buy a ticket.

It would be nice if a certain percentage of tickets would go at a fair price to the average American consumer.  But from my experience working at the Super Bowl hospitality village immediately before the 2001 game in Tampa, I saw how many corporate partners get tickets for the game, and how many get fed and provided libations in their own little tents inside the village right before the game.

NFL, you’ve managed to marginalize people of color, women, the LGBT community and working-class people.  So as you see it’s you, not me.   I avoided the entirety of your game and halftime show.  I wrote and watched a movie on television.  I still ate guacamole and chips, but instead of watching men of color used for their bodies and women on the sidelines objectified for a small fee, I chose to watch Kylie Jenner’s baby video instead.

(That’s right.  Kardashians over you, NFL.)

Regards,
Michelle

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Lent Prayer Day 13 – A Prayer for Our Trauma Triggers

15 Wednesday Mar 2017

Posted by mictori in Pop

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

abuse, domestic violence, hate, Lent, manipulation, Prayer, progressive Christianity, PTSD, racism, sexism, trigger, trigger warning, triggers

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God of the connections between yesterday and today…

The past lingers behind us closely like shadows- a sinister presence that we are never able to completely leave behind.

One word. One smell. One song, and we are ushered back into the cobweb-filled corners of our souls.

One conversation on the television. One article online, and we are transported to a place we never thought we would relive.

The words that beat her up reminds us of the words that pummeled our souls. The sharpness of images are razors to our minds.

Now that we are stuck in a yesterday place, God, drive us back to today.

Grasp our hands as we work together to close the doors that have remained opened for decades. Be like cool waters and wash over our bruised souls to renew us.

Grant that today is reserved for today only- with just bits of room set aside for happy snapshots of the past and tomorrow’s dreams. Amen.

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America’s Lot Moment

29 Tuesday Nov 2016

Posted by mictori in Current Events, Pop, Social Justice

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

angels, daughters, domestic violence, Election 2016, Genesis 19, Lot, misogyny, racism, rape, rape culture, sexism, sexual abuse, sexual assault, Sodom, sodom and gomorrah, xenophobia

 

sodoma_-_aldegrever

I wrote this only a few days after the election.  This is how I felt – not only at the time – but continue to feel as I process what happened in our country.  This is how I feel every time I hear of another hate crime committed. 

 

I am a woman of privilege.  While I have some awareness of my racial, citizenship, and sexual orientation privilege, I am also still waking up to my privilege.  The results of the election came as a shock, and part of this shock is due to my privilege-related naiveté. 

This was written with much respect to all people who have been assaulted in any shape or form, not making light of assault, and also knowing that a piece of us felt violated on Election Day because the results affirmed the complacency with abuse.  Abuse has happened in many forms, and the Bible reflects that abuse as well.  Please be aware that this could be a TRIGGER WARNING for many people.

*****

“Look, I have two daughters who have not known a man: let me bring them out to you, and do to them as you please.” (Genesis 19:8)

I imagine most people feel disgust after reading this text and are shocked to know this is actually in our sacred Scripture.  Angels, in the form of two strangers, visit Lot in Sodom.  When the community heard about the visitors, they bang on Lot’s door and order him to send them outside so that they can know them intimately – – or, basically, rape the two men.

Lot refuses to accept their demands.  Instead, he offers them another option.  Here are my two virgin daughters.  Know the two of them intimately instead of our visitors.

Unfortunately, Lot’s daughters would not be enjoying the intimacy that comes when two people mutually give themselves to one another.  This would be a violent gang rape of two young women.  Based on the fury of this crowd, there is even a possibility the rape would have led to the death of one or both of the young women as we see in the similar story of Judges 19.

What appears in Genesis 19 does not seem like a story about Lot’s hospitality or creative problem solving. By offering his daughters, Lot still affirms the violent actions of a group of men. He does not give a second thought to sacrifice his daughters in the attempts to placate the Sodom community and to protect the rights of the privileged.

Up until a week ago, whenever I read this text, I could not fully imagine what the two daughters must feel.  How could someone who says they love you be fine with throwing you away with such haste? How could the one to whom you looked for protection be willing to throw you to the wolves knowing that you would be violently attacked?

And then the election of 2016 happened. Just like Lot’s problem-solving proposal, it felt like many Americans have offered up the lives of people of color, the bodies of women, the equality of LGBT people, the religious freedom of Muslims, the well-being of immigrants, and the dignity of people who are disabled.  In the process of trying to solve foreign and domestic issues, our neighbors chose to overlook love of neighbor and turn their heads so that racism, sexism, xenophobia and bigotry could grow stronger.

While some believe that the election results will eventually lead to positive results in our country, within the first week we saw the number of hate crimes grow.  Pictures of hateful words spray painted alongside of buildings and videos of students chanting slurs continue to become the new normal in 2016 America.

Couldn’t Lot have offered a more humane solution? Couldn’t we, as Americans and Christians be more compassionate and considerable in the way we solve our problems?

Some of our neighbors wonder why we still “can’t get over” the election results and its aftermath. Like Lot offering to throw his children to strangers in order to solve a problem, many people across our country feel like their neighbors were willing to toss them aside in an effort to build a country that could be to their satisfaction once again.

Knowing that many of us have been treated like Lot’s daughters has left us aching, worrying, and wondering what will happen next.

It feels like we must live under a new normal. We must live with the normality of women being physically assaulted.  We must live with a renewed interest in a type of “law and order” which will elevate the mass incarceration of our brothers and sisters of color.  We must know that families will be torn apart based on who was born in this country and who was born elsewhere.  We must know that Muslims fear for their lives as the country waits to see if a registry is forced upon them.   We must know that marriages of our gay, lesbian, and bisexual sisters and brothers are in jeopardy.

We may be Lot’s daughters in twenty-first century America, but we refuse to be thrown to the men of Sodom without a struggle.

Lot’s daughters found agency… and all who have been marginalized will find their power.

*****

Photo credit: Heinrich Aldegrever (1502-1561), Lot impedisce la violenza contro gli angeli, (1555).

 

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Single in the Sanctuary – The Many Stories

14 Tuesday Jun 2016

Posted by mictori in Current Events, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

cis-gender, cisgender, divorce, domestic violence, intersectionality, Jewish, LGBT, Muslim, night club, Orlando, privilege, progressive Christianity, Pulse, Single, single in the sanctuary

red-love-heart-oldEver since starting the Single in the Sanctuary group on Facebook as well as lead a couple of speaking engagements, I’ve had people share their stories with me.  It’s been an amazing experience to learn about the roads our friends have been on over the course of their lives.

After hearing many stories, I see that there are some overlaps to many of our stories.  We share similar sentiments of loneliness.  Often, we wrestle when hope is lost.

But while a few of our stories are alike in many ways, each of our stories of being unmarried has distinct differences just like our DNA and fingerprints.  Because of these vast differences, we can’t speak for someone else.  Again, I was reminded of this – especially in light of the shooting at the Pulse Night Club in Orlando as well as what safety and sanctuary mean to LGBTQ people.

I can only speak for myself: an educated, straight white never-been-married cis-female.  Granted, I’ve gone through some tough times being single throughout my twenties and thirties.  Just by being a woman, there have been times when I’ve felt extremely unsafe.  But my issues have minimal intersectionality issues, and I am extremely privileged.  I’ve never faced what it means to be a person who is queer.  I’ve never experienced what it means to be a single woman of color.  Being a progressive Christian, I’ve also never experienced what a Jewish or Muslim woman has experienced.

As I reflect, some questions have come to mind: How would a person of color experience never being married?  What would it be like to be a person of another faith who is getting divorced?  How many more layers of difficulty in dating exist for a transgender person?  How do lesbian, gay and bisexual people navigate the healing process for abusive relationships?

Of course, no one is required to tell us their stories unless they are ready to talk and they feel safe speaking with us.  But what we as people of privilege within the unmarried spectrum need to understand is that there are friends who must deal with many additional layers of challenges.

All that any of us as people of privilege can do is allow space for all unmarried open-minded Christians to speak without interruption or trying to explain their experience for them, especially those whose stories are vastly different than ours.  And my job, in return, is to learn as much as possible from them when they are ready to share.

I will continue to tell my story.  But it is only one story in the sea of many.  My experience is only my experience, and it is one that is fairly privileged.  May the God in whose image we are all made give us the courage, strength and power to tell our stories and the patience to listen to the narratives of others.

 

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A Prayer for Those Facing Unhealthy Relationships

29 Thursday Oct 2015

Posted by mictori in Current Events, Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

domestic violence, Domestic Violence Awareness Month, healthy relationships, Intimate Partner Violence, Relationship Abuse, single in the sanctuary, Teen Abuse, Verbal Abuse

Image from dccadv.org

Written in honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month

God of Wholeness,
Who intended the two souls in Eden to be respectful of one another,
Remind us of whose image we are made.

Yours.

Those surrounding us may be reflecting on their relationships,
Tired of being called stupid or lazy or not-good-enough,
Words that sting as much as, if not more than, the slap of a hand.
Berated for stepping just a little out of order,
Exhausted from the hours of tears,
Wondering how much love they need to give in order to be respected.

Give them the courage.  Give them the peace.

Those who we pass on the street may have marks on their body
From being grabbed a little too tightly
Or pushed a little too hard.

“What should I do???” resonates in their minds
As they ponder reaching out for help
And, at the same time, justify why they are still in a relationship:
Children, money, no other options of love.

Give them the courage.  Give them the peace.

Hours upon hours of pondering inside of heads…
But I love him.  But I love her.

But what if no one wants me.
What if he is the only one who wants me?
What if she is the only one who wants me?

Give them the courage.  Give them the peace.

Whether they depart from an unhealthy relationship in their teens
Or twenties or thirties
Or sometime around retirement,
Grant that they can see a future with hope.

God of pure love and deepest mercy,
Give all the courage to move forward when sliding back seems more comfortable.
Stop replays of the message that we are not lovable.
Make the months of solitude more bearable.
Take away any doubts of the healthy choices made.
And when the time is right,
Open our hearts to a joyful, healthy love once again.

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Wanting More Than Crumbs – Women’s Equality Day

27 Thursday Aug 2015

Posted by mictori in Current Events, Life, Pop, Pop Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

child marriage, domestic violence, ERA, human trafficking, Mark 7, National Dog Day, rape, sexual abuse, Suffrage, Syrophoenician woman, Women's Equality, Women's Equality Day

Annibale Carracci [Public domain], Christ and Canaanite Woman via Wikimedia Commons

Yesterday was National Dog Day!  People expressed much love for their pets all over social media.

Ironically – or maybe not so ironically – it’s also Women’s Equality Day.  Only 95 years ago and after many arduous efforts, women received the right to vote.

Now, I’ve never had a dog, and I may not be a dog person, but I believe in the well-being of our animals.  It’s nice to see so many people showing love of and care for their pets.

Yet Women’s Equality Day is not trending anywhere near the numbers of dog love.  In some ways, it’s understandable.  How often do we celebrate our pets?  Women are celebrated on various days in various ways throughout the year.

The problem which remains is that women are still compared to and treated like dogs – and not the ones we consider our lovable pets.  Think of politicians, pundits and celebrities who call the women that disagree with them “dogs.”  Or how many women will be treated like an animal while they walk down the street.  Names of all sorts, whistles and howls will be thrown their way as they walk to work, lunch or their next task.  Women feel more like an object than a breathing being.

Each time we turn around, we have people trying to rid us of reproductive health care options.  Still in this country, we make considerably less money than men.  In 2013, it was recorded that we make 78 cents for every dollar a man makes.  And minority women will make less money than we white women will earn, adding an additional gap to their pay.

Women face rape, sexual abuse and domestic violence at higher rates than men.  Women are brushed aside when reporting rape, and rape kits wait to be processed.  All around the world, women are mutilated, sold and bought, and given in marriage even though they’ve barely reached puberty.  It’s said that 25,000 girls under the age of 18 are given in marriage each day.

And while there are pets being treated far worse than women, some are treated with more dignity and humanity than women across our world.  Some dogs are fed well while some women starve.  Some dogs have the privilege of roaming properties; some women are shackled.

So maybe it’s time for us to be like the woman from Syrophoenicia in Mark 7 and stand up for our rights.  We deserve more than the crumbs under the table.  We deserve to be whole and healthy.  We deserve to have our voices heard, our bodies respected, and our work valued.

Some of us are closer to being considered fully human because we’re white and straight and able-bodied.  It’s still not easy being a woman with privilege, but those of us with more privilege have it easier.  We must remember that the fight isn’t over when white women have full equality and our minority sisters have not.  When that day comes, we still are not equal, and we still keep on working to make sure that Black women matter and lesbian women matter and Hispanic women matter and physically disabled women matter and transgender women matter.  When all women have equality, then we are all equal and we are all sitting at the table together.

The crumbs under the table aren’t enough.  We want to be seen as full human beings.   We want to be recognized by the Church that both men AND women are made in the image of God and by the State that BOTH are created equal.  We want and deserve to be at the table with men and not crawling on the floor looking for the crumbs.

 

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Today I Wear Black – Advent Reflection 14

18 Thursday Dec 2014

Posted by mictori in Church Life, Current Events, Holidays, Life, Pop, Pop Culture, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Advent, advent prayer, Blue Christmas, Christmas, domestic violence, Ferguson, human trafficking, Mental health, Moral Injury, racism, rape, sexism, sexual assault, war

imageInstead of the sparkly gold
Or sequenced green
Or metallic red sweaters
I wear black.

I wear black to remember the lives of
Michael and Tamir and Rumain and John and Eric
And so many other names we know
And don’t know.

I wear black to remember my sisters
Killed by their “loves” within their homes
Or on their way to work
Or any other space intimate violence happens.

I wear black to remember the sexual violence
In college dorm rooms
And young adult apartments
And cars
And parks
And through purchases
Because, apparently, people can still be bought and sold.

I wear black to remember all those who died in war-
Some wars less just than others.
And to defy the justification of torture.
And I wear black remembering the ones who came back
But parts of their bodies and souls were missing.

I wear black to remember those in Connecticut,
The classroom which buzzed with six-year-olds now silent
And how two years later peace is anything but silent.

I wear black to remember the ones who died this week
Or last week
And every single loved one who cries tonight
And on Christmas morning,
As they gaze upon the Christmas gifts that will remain unopened
Because a loved one is gone.

I wear black to remember the ones who mourn their relationship
A divorce.  A breakup.
A tear in the heart.
They live a new life, but old memories linger.

I wear black to remember those living in constant pain
Their bodies revolt against them.
It’s their necks, or backs, or knees or feet.
But the pain will never go away.

I wear black to remember those living their last Christmas
And those who “celebrate” with them,
Wondering how they can make this one special
Even after the terminal news.

I wear black to remember those who live in shadows
Who face the dread of depression
The shakes of anxiety
The roller coasters of bipolar
And each mental health challenge they may not mention aloud.

I wear black to remember those who are in the night of their lives-
A very long night-
Whose exile extends for days
And who will wander in the wilderness longer than expected.

Darkness is not darkness to God.
May our evenings be as bright as daytime.
May we find beauty in the nighttime of our souls
And in the areas void of light.

May we wear red metallic
And the green sequins
And sparkly gold sweaters
Next year.

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