Monthly Archives: June 2016

Single in the Sanctuary- Eating Alone

22 Wednesday Jun 2016

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imageI remember when my sister would see an older man or woman sitting alone. She and my mom would remark how sorry they felt for that elderly person dining by themselves. Maybe there was an energy surrounding them that reflected sadness.

Does there exist a lack of sadness for the thirty or forty year old who eats alone? Did an older person’s more-likely involuntary solitude beg for more empathy? Are younger people looked as having more resilience or is there a mentality out there that we are somehow defective or choose to be alone or fully content in our solitude?

I’ll say this: sometimes solitude is welcomed, even by this extrovert. Nowadays, we have the beauty of smart phones to give us the look of preoccupation in our aloneness. But sometimes the silence of solitude is so overwhelming that I ache from the lack of conversation.

I don’t want to be pitied for my solitude as my life is fairly full. But I wonder: does a person whose age is far greater deserve more empathy? Maybe so- especially if they just recently lost a spouse or partner. While sometimes the only option is eating alone, but do those of us who settle for solo meals sell ourselves short by settling for company-less dinners and lunches?

For faith communities: What can we do as a church so that solo people of all ages have the company they desire for more of their meals?

Single in the Sanctuary: To the Table of Moms

17 Friday Jun 2016

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Dear table of moms at my favorite coffee house,

It was a lovely day. I needed to complete some work and I chose to sit outside. But after a very short while, I had to move inside.

You see, your conversation was breaking my heart.

I’m a childless women. It wasn’t something I necessarily chose for myself. Due to life’s timing and reproductive health issues, having children doesn’t seem like the best option for me.

But you didn’t take into consideration when your conversation was loud enough to hear on the patio.

You first complain about the childless women who make judgments on parenting. I’ll give you that one. We don’t have the right to be a Monday morning quarterback when it comes to your children, especially since we don’t know what challenges your children may have.

But then you started talking about the women who look at their pets like children among some other snide comments. While I’m not one, I know women who do consider their pets like children. There are a number of reasons women don’t have children- out of choice or out of circumstance. But just like you don’t want us to make fun of your parenting styles, we don’t want you to make fun of the way we live our lives. We don’t know what you go through; you don’t know what we go through either.

The condescending tone was too much for me. I haven’t quite transcended the way life has happened for me and attained peace with it.

And that’s when I moved inside.

I thought about chatting with you about your derogatory tone. Maybe I would start a conversation about how difficult it is to be unmarried without children or married with children or married without children and with two dogs.

But sometimes we don’t have the energy to educate you through our pain. So I moved inside on this beautiful day. It was my choice, but it was the healthiest choice for me.

So, if any of you happen to read this, just be sensitive to the women surrounding you. There may still be a piece of us who are envious of your life, of your privilege to connect with mommy groups, of being able to attain the family structure you dreamed of when you were a child. You don’t know what the roads we’ve been on and the dreams dropped along the way. You may not have a cycle or biology that has reminded you on a monthly basis that bearing children would be an uphill battle.

Women of family structure privilege: complain about us or make fun of us if you must make yourselves feel better this way, but just do so in private spaces. Know that there are people surrounding you that are trying to heal and your voice is reopening wounds.

 

Single in the Sanctuary – The Many Stories

14 Tuesday Jun 2016

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red-love-heart-oldEver since starting the Single in the Sanctuary group on Facebook as well as lead a couple of speaking engagements, I’ve had people share their stories with me.  It’s been an amazing experience to learn about the roads our friends have been on over the course of their lives.

After hearing many stories, I see that there are some overlaps to many of our stories.  We share similar sentiments of loneliness.  Often, we wrestle when hope is lost.

But while a few of our stories are alike in many ways, each of our stories of being unmarried has distinct differences just like our DNA and fingerprints.  Because of these vast differences, we can’t speak for someone else.  Again, I was reminded of this – especially in light of the shooting at the Pulse Night Club in Orlando as well as what safety and sanctuary mean to LGBTQ people.

I can only speak for myself: an educated, straight white never-been-married cis-female.  Granted, I’ve gone through some tough times being single throughout my twenties and thirties.  Just by being a woman, there have been times when I’ve felt extremely unsafe.  But my issues have minimal intersectionality issues, and I am extremely privileged.  I’ve never faced what it means to be a person who is queer.  I’ve never experienced what it means to be a single woman of color.  Being a progressive Christian, I’ve also never experienced what a Jewish or Muslim woman has experienced.

As I reflect, some questions have come to mind: How would a person of color experience never being married?  What would it be like to be a person of another faith who is getting divorced?  How many more layers of difficulty in dating exist for a transgender person?  How do lesbian, gay and bisexual people navigate the healing process for abusive relationships?

Of course, no one is required to tell us their stories unless they are ready to talk and they feel safe speaking with us.  But what we as people of privilege within the unmarried spectrum need to understand is that there are friends who must deal with many additional layers of challenges.

All that any of us as people of privilege can do is allow space for all unmarried open-minded Christians to speak without interruption or trying to explain their experience for them, especially those whose stories are vastly different than ours.  And my job, in return, is to learn as much as possible from them when they are ready to share.

I will continue to tell my story.  But it is only one story in the sea of many.  My experience is only my experience, and it is one that is fairly privileged.  May the God in whose image we are all made give us the courage, strength and power to tell our stories and the patience to listen to the narratives of others.

 

For Such a Time as This…

13 Monday Jun 2016

Posted by in Current Events, Pop, Social Justice

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“For if you keep silence at such a time as this, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another quarter, but you and your father’s family will perish. Who knows? Perhaps you have come to royal dignity for just such a time as this.’”

Esther 4:14

For such a time as this…

Sometimes we don’t want to shake our current placid state.  Everyone in our cozy corner of the world is (fairly) happy…

And then 50 people are killed and another 50 or so injured by a solo bigoted, biased, homophobic hate-filled shooter.  In our cozy corner of the world, we have the privilege to close our eyes, bask in the sun for the rest of the day and forget that tragic incident happened early yesterday morning in Orlando, Florida.

We dodge conversations on the discrimination that happens to our friends of color, the ugly words thrown at our LGBTQ friends, the catcalls and assaults and violence in homes that happens to our sisters, the ways that Muslims feel threatened just by living in this country.  We can point our fingers at everyone else that doesn’t look anything like us.  It’s their fault… It has to be… I’m just sitting on my cozy corner minding my own business.

But when the hateful rhetoric in our country is getting louder and louder and more people are dying and being abused because of their color, religion, sexual orientation, gender/gender identity/gender expression, then we as people of faith need to stop sitting in our cozy corners and get ourselves out into the world.

For such a time as this, we are called to listen to stories without judgment.

For such a time as this, we are called to open our mouths and speak out every single time we hear hate.

For such a time as this, we are called to be the voice of love in our world.

Esther could have sat in her cozy corner of the world.  She could have allowed her kin to be massacred.  Instead, she risked her own life to stand up for the lives and well being of others.

Are we willing to do the same?  Am I willing to do the same?

For such a time as this, are we willing to call out the voices of hate?  When hearing such hateful words against our sisters and brothers, are we willing to name such animosity?

Are we willing to say that our LGBT sisters and brothers are loved by God for who they are?

Are we willing to say that the lives of our sisters and brothers of color matter?

Are we willing to say that the bodies of our sisters are to be respected?

Are we willing to say that our Muslim sisters and brothers shine the light and love of God in our world and that the stereotypes are wrong?

Are we willing to say that our transgender friends are loved by God just as they are?

Are we willing to say all of these words aloud, risking our lives and livelihoods like Esther?

Will we use our privilege to listen, learn and speak to other people of privilege at such a time as this?

May the loving arms of God surround the survivors in Orlando as they heal in body, mind and soul.  May the peace of God surround the grieving family members and friends as they come to terms with the violence and hate that robbed them of their loved ones.  May the strength of God carry our LGBT, Latinx and Muslim friends as they navigate a world still so threatening.  And may God give all of us the courage to speak out against hate in our world.  Amen.

Single in the Sanctuary – Marital Status Marginalization

10 Friday Jun 2016

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Welcome to Single in the Sanctuary on my site MichelleTorigian.com. Here’s my initial Single in the Sanctuary post. Please follow my blog to continue the journey with me!

Michelle L. Torigian

By E. W. Russell, Photographer [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons Starting today, I will be posting a new weekly feature called “Single in the Sanctuary.” The recurring topic will focus on what it means to be a non-married progressive Christian in the twenty-first century.

I doubt I’m the only one who has felt a bit left out of the church based on the fact that I’m over 40 and still not married.  Even when I was in my late 20’s and early 30’s, I felt out of place because I don’t have the traditional family structure.

We look around our churches and, most of the time, only see certain demographics, namely

  • Married with children
  • Married, retired with grown children
  • Widowed

Only on occasions like the Christmas and Easter holidays or weddings, baptisms and funerals do I see my demographic: the never-married person.  I don’t see many divorced individuals, single parents, co-habitating couples, LGBT individuals…

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Herstory

08 Wednesday Jun 2016

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herstory picWhen I was in Kindergarten, we were asked what we wanted to be when we grew up.  My teacher had us draw what we dreamed of being when we were older.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t see past the 1978 stereotypes and requirements of what careers women should enter.   So I made a teacher-nurse – a career as a person who taught nursing.

As I got older, my plans changed just a little.  For a few years, I thought I should go into dietetics.  Was I passionate about the career?  No.  But again, it was a career in which many women were called.  It was steady and safe.

Teaching and nursing and becoming a dietitian are all beautiful callings for both men and women, but they weren’t my calling.  I couldn’t see past gender limitations for a career.

In fact, during my senior year of high school, I gave a speech why women shouldn’t become clergy.  While I backed the speech with various scripture verses, the primary reason I believed this was because I had never seen a woman in the role of clergy.   This wasn’t a valid reason for my disagreement with women in the pulpit.  (I’m extremely positive God continues to laugh at this story…)

As I entered college, something in my gut told me that I should enter a career that wasn’t dominated by women.  After majoring in English and working in non-profit marketing, I eventually entered seminary and began my path to becoming an ordained member of the clergy.

Now I can’t imagine a world where women aren’t in the pulpit.

Today, we shattered another barrier that limits women from certain roles or careers.  This moment in history isn’t just about one particular person.  I know many of you don’t like or care for our one female presumptive nominee of the Democratic Party, and that is extremely valid.

Yet, I want us to pause for one minute.  In this very moment, something has shifted.  It was like the shift I experienced when I saw more and more women in the pulpit.  When we see women or minorities finally attaining leadership roles rarely held by them in the past, we change the framework of who is or isn’t allowed to have a particular position.  We break stereotypes and preconceived notions.

When more women and people of color attain positions that exclusively went to white males ten, twenty, forty, seventy years ago, then more women and people of color are able to dream bigger than ever.  Our daughters and sons who never thought they could achieve their goals now believe that they can.  We can all walk a little taller because we have been reminded that all people are created equally in God’s image.

I teared up while watching the presumptive Democratic nominee speaking tonight.  I write this not to endorse or criticize her.  But this is to affirm her role in expanding the hopes and dreams of women and girls.  When we see women in top leadership roles, our daughters and nieces and sisters and mothers will continue to believe anything is possible.  

Our job isn’t to stop here however.  We must continue to encourage all women in top leadership roles – including women of color, women with disabilities, and lesbian, bisexual and transgender women.  When a young African American girl can see a woman like her as president of the United States someday, her dreams will expand.  When a young girl with a physical disability sees a woman like her as president of the United States someday, her dreams will expand.  We can’t just stop with able-bodied straight white women or the women who look like us.  All women deserve to dream.

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All opinions here are my own and not connected with any organization or person with whom I am associated.