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Michelle L. Torigian

Monthly Archives: October 2013

The Snowball Effect of Shame

30 Wednesday Oct 2013

Posted by mictori in Life, Movies, Pop, Pop Culture, Religion

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Adam and Eve, Forgiveness, God, Grace, guilt, Love, progressive Christianity, Reformation, Reformation Day, shame, the fall, Thelma and Louise

20131030-160603.jpgThere is nothing harder in this life than forgiving oneself.

We all make mistakes. It’s part of the human condition. The “fall of humans” didn’t start from a major mistake but one that snowballed from a minor, stupid choice. The major problem that arose from the disobedience wasn’t the disobedience itself but from the shame they took upon themselves when making that choice. It wasn’t “God, we make a terrible choice. We’re sorry. Let’s just keep moving forward.” No. When they truly came to terms of the missteps in their life, they hid from God.

It becomes a snowball effect.

The man then blames the woman for the choices they made. In turn, the woman points her finger at the snake. There was no owning their issues and asking to patch their relationship with God. Instead, they embraced blame instead of responsibility and shame instead of grace.

Remember the movie Thelma and Louise? Thelma nearly gets raped by a stranger in a bar. Louise ends up killing the man. As Thelma wants to go to the authorities about potential rape and murder that followed, Louise reminds her that they wouldn’t believe they were protecting themselves from assault. Instead, they find themselves on the run, knowing that if they were to get caught or turn themselves in, their lives would be spent in prison.

They continue to commit crime after crime in an effort to live free from a definite jail sentence. Eventually, they are forced to turn themselves in or drive off of the Grand Canyon. Thelma and Louise choose the latter as they decide their death equals freedom.

I wonder if they experienced moral injury when they killed Louise’s assaulter. If they would have given themselves grace for the choices they needed to make, could have found a different way of living?

Are we like Adam and Eve or Thelma and Louise? Whether we make a mistake consciously, were manipulated had to commit an act to save our lives, do we hang on to the guilt of that one incident forever? Do we let one incident in our lives dictate the rest of the way our lives go? Do we hold on to shame from our past which destroys our future?

If we can embrace our mistakes soon after we make them, maybe we can embrace grace a little sooner.

I think it’s wonderful in the Jewish tradition that they have Yom Kippur, the day of atonement and a day to reflect upon reconciliation. In Catholicism, they have the sacrament of reconciliation as they process their deeds aloud. But in Protestantism, there is no particular day or sacrament where we ask for forgiveness. Some of our churches have prayers of reconciliation or forgiveness each week, but do we invest much energy in the effort to make all right with God, one another or ourselves? So maybe on Reformation Day, the remembrance of Luther’s mandate of “grace alone,” we can take the opportunity to allow hand our past mistakes over to God and embrace grace.

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Coveting Thy Neighboring Pastor’s Church

09 Wednesday Oct 2013

Posted by mictori in Current Events, Life, Pop, Pop Culture, Religion

≈ 3 Comments

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10 Commandments, Church, Clergy Appreciation Month, Clergy Burnout, Comparison, Competition, Covet, Coveting, Exodus 20, pastor, Pastor Appreciation Month, Pastoral Stress, Stress, Ten Commandments

Clergy: when was the last time you thought to yourself, “If only I could be more like Pastor B or Pastor S? Then I’d have more members/greater attendance/higher giving levels/etc.” For many of us, I can imagine this has crossed our minds at some point in the recent future.

Hmmm… Wouldn’t this be considered coveting?

Re-reading the Ten Commandments reminds us of the taboo of coveting. Exodus 20:17 states “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”

Granted, we don’t covet many donkeys these days. Yes, some people covet their neighbor’s spouse or significant other (think Rick Springfield’s “Jessie’s Girl”). Otherwise, coveting is still part of our culture and who we are. Coveting is competition and to be and have the best. Our advertising driven culture feeds on our tendency to covet. We want bigger houses, fancier cars and the most up-to-date electronic toys. We can’t keep up with the Joneses. We become depressed as we see our lives aren’t in the exact place we planned five or ten years earlier.

And, for those of us who are clergy, coveting begins to bubble within us when we see the success of our fellow pastors.

Coveting in any part of our lives can lead us away from being present in this very moment. It can distract us from the call of God.

What if we realize that we are called to this place for this time and embrace the satisfaction with our current pastorates? What if we took some time to remember that it is God who calls us and that quantitative success isn’t everything? I’m sure this is difficult for some. (NOTE: I’m not advocating for pastors who are being abused in their current setting to remain in their position. No one deserves to feel abused in any situation.)

Clergy friends and church leaders – maybe all of us are called to create some new commandments for ourselves. This is not to clarify us as “sinners,” but to break old patterns of unhealthy thinking.

10 Commandments of Pastoral Coveting
1. I shall not covet another pastor’s church size or worship attendance.
2. I shall not covet another pastor’s gifts and creativity.
3. I shall not covet another pastor’s energy levels.
4. I shall not covet another pastor’s ability to bring in new members or visitors.
5. I shall not covet another pastor’s successful attempts at leading their churches to such-and-such status (i.e. Open and Affirming, Just Peace).
6. I shall not covet another pastor’s compensation package.
7. I shall not covet another church’s location.
8. I shall not covet the number of volunteers my neighbor’s church has.
9. I shall not covet another church’s programs.
10. I shall not covet the size of another church’s youth program or Sunday School.

Reasons why churches grow or programs succeed is more than just the pastor who inspires or creates them. Sometimes it has to do with the location of the church or the context of your community.

Furthermore, chances are there’s another pastor out there who covets what you have. But none of us are perfect. None of us were bestowed every single gift. That’s not how it works. That’s not how God created humans and, specifically, clergy. We are not messiahs of churches nor are we fully to blame for failed programs. We are only asked to try out best and love others the way we want to be loved.

May we find ways to work together instead of working in competition with one another. The more we encourage each other in acknowledging our gifts and cheer each other on as we grow from our mistakes, the stronger we can create God’s kingdom.

Happy Pastor Appreciation Month to all clergy!

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