Category Archives: Life

A Prayer As I Embrace Grief’s Journey

18 Wednesday Oct 2017

Posted by in grief, Life, Pop

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

IMG_4914God, it appears that I’m making it. I rise each day, take care of what is needed, find healthy ways to express myself.

So I pass grief with flying colors, right?

Not exactly.

I’ll be fine until I see a photo or have a memory or listen to a song from 1975. I’ll be relaxed until something – like a drive or a conversation – takes me back to that chilly September morning. I’ll be traveling home and the warming sunset reminds me of his love of photographing dusks.

Then my heart shudders with the notion that I won’t see him again on this side of heaven. My brain slides back into a dense fog as it tries to protect my soul from intense feelings of loss. My body aches from the heaviness that comes with this extra emotional weight.

And I am reminded again that grief is always a lifelong journey. Completion of this process doesn’t happen here. It’s not a destination. Overcoming it will never happen. There is nothing to win, and I will not get a medal when surviving.

And yet, I’m making it. Fifteen minutes at a time, God, we are making it. For that unremarkable significant victory, I am grateful.

Amen.

Advertisements

A Prayer for Unresponsiveness

14 Saturday Oct 2017

Posted by in grief, Life, Pop

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

IMG_4693

God who wound nerves throughout our bodies and gave us a “central computer” to connect our mind, body, and spirits, there are patient souls sitting bedside in hospital room chairs wondering and waiting to see if their loved ones will wake up.

These family and friends were just fine a day or two ago… and now they are a shadow of themselves. An accident or illness marred their brain health and function.  No matter what words or commands are given, they rest nearly lifeless.

And then there’s waiting… and testing… and waiting more.

For the waiting, we pray for patience. For decisions that may need to be made, we pray for clarity. For losses that may result, we pray for peace.

God, you run with us at our most active. You recline with us at our most unresponsive. No matter the state of our body, our soul is always alongside of you.

Amen.

*****

On September 18, my dad died unexpectedly. In his final days he was unresponsive due to a lack of oxygen to the brain after a cardiac arrest. This prayer was written remembering our needs and knowing other families are facing similar experiences.

A Prayer as I Remember That Moment

12 Thursday Oct 2017

Posted by in grief, Life, Pop

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

pexels-photo-259771

God who abides fully in the present,
I keep recalling that moment in my mind.

You know the one – the phone call.
The five thirty am buzzing which jolted me awake,
Wondering why and who and why again as I stirred from sleep.

Deciding I needed to pick it up because five-one-three numbers at five-thirty aren’t wrong numbers.
Thinking that it was him just calling because he was awake in his room,
And for one split second not wanting to deal with an early morning conversation.

For that moment, God, I am deeply sorry.

Oh how now I wish it was dad wanting a five-thirty am phone conversation.
How I would sacrifice an entire night of sleep for that discussion.

How I would rather have heard his voice saying “I just wanted to call” rather than the nurse informing me “his condition has changed.”

How I would have rather heard his voice asking me if I was awake rather than a stranger ask me if I wanted him intubated.

How that moment the last remaining garments of childhood which I still wore my soul stopped fitting.  How the tables turned and I was the one who made the decisions about his well being.

How the summertime of my life ended and the gray days of autumn begun.  How the warmth of daylight turned into the cold shadows of night.

Yes, God, that moment turned into all of this for me.  Innocence lost.  Childhood firmly found in the rearview mirror.  Daughterhood shifted.

God, there is little you can do for me to change my memory of that moment.  But, if you can, fill my soul with a little additional peace each time I remember it.

In time, this moment will lose some of its intense chill.  And maybe I’ll find a new level of innocence.

Amen.

A Prayer After Grief’s Trigger-Full Day

11 Wednesday Oct 2017

Posted by in grief, Life, Pop

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , ,

IMG_4442

God of the rising flood waters, yesterday was a day full of triggers.

It was the anniversary of his rapid decline. And a hospital visit three doors down from his room. And a conversation about what a father of the bride would wear at the wedding.

Intense sessions of crying drowned parts of my day. Yet tear after tear, I made it through.

Yesterday proved I’m nothing less than resilient. But I’m strong because you are my partner in this, God.

There will be more of these days ahead, and my lamenting may melt my heart. There will be evenings that linger forever as each tomorrow seems to delay its arrival.

But morning will appear. And the sun will break through morning’s densely hovering fog.

And you will be with me.

Amen.

A Blunt Prayer in Grief’s Spiritual Block

09 Monday Oct 2017

Posted by in grief, Life, Pop

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

IMG_4430.JPG

Hi God…

Where in the hell are you???

Seriously.

(I’m truly sorry to be so curt. I know you are here. In my mind, I know you are. I keep telling myself this over and over.)

But I must ask: is it grief that has taken a seat between us? Had grief become a wall, a partition that divides me from seeing you?

Then why are you not removing this barrier?

Again I say it: I know you are here. I know you are blanketing me with peace and filling my soul with strength. But from my throne of melancholy, my view is limited.

Shove me off of this throne of despair and may I find a new seat that will reflect your presence. Open my soul as a third eye- one that will see you surrounding me when the wilderness of grief becomes to arid or the swamps of mourning drown my sorrow-filled soul.

Amen.

A Prayer While Enduring Grief’s Physical Expression

08 Sunday Oct 2017

Posted by in grief, Life, Pop

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , ,

IMG_4416.JPG

God, you created my skin, nerves, muscles  and linked them with my mind and soul. And for this I’m forever grateful.

But-

Today I’m struggling with this great body-mind-spirit connection. As my heart breaks like the waves crashing against rocks, my body says “no more.”

My neck seizes with the knowledge that he won’t be returning. My tears have been replaced by heart palpitations. My stomach churns at the dread of days ahead.

My mind can’t shake this anguish, and my body absorbs each droplet of grief’s mist.

Great Designer of my heart and brain and energy, wrap me in blankets of peace. May I stop feeling suffocated by squalls of despair, and may my body experience healing in this season of sadness.

Amen.

 

A Prayer for the Shock of Grief

03 Tuesday Oct 2017

Posted by in grief, Life, Pop

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

IMG_4395Impromptu God who goes with our flow- it’s time to figure out life beyond the state of shock.

Dad’s not here right now. Or for the rest of my life. Honestly, that is a long time to live with this hole.

He will be missing every boring detail and peaks of joys that I experience.

But here I am with the sheet of shock that surrounds me melting. And as the fading layer grows thinner and thinner, my reality grows clearer.

God, may these flashes of reality and shots of grief be manageable. May I take 15 minutes at a time without him instead of looking at the next ten or twenty or thirty or forty years.

And thank you for the 44 years I had with him.

Amen.

A Prayer When I Want to Scream Out My Grief

29 Friday Sep 2017

Posted by in grief, Life, Pop

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

woman-2377068_1920God, whose presence vibrates between my vocal chords,
Yesterday, I wanted to SCREAM.

I’m not exactly sure what possessed my soul to enter the shadows-
I was standing in the glue aisle at the craft store-
But in that moment of retail therapy
All I wanted to do was scream!
And cry!
And stomp my feet!
And jump up and down!

Glue-shopping usually doesn’t do this to people – nor to me.
But my inner two year old was wrestling with the things I can no longer have.

It wasn’t the first time I was in a craft store after Dad had passed.
Nor was it the first time I was buying adhesives.
But as evening was swallowing the day
Grief swallowed my emotional boundaries.

God, may my screams be internal.
May they not be eternal.
May my desire for screams melt into tears.

And if I need to scream-
Help me to find a serene open space that will welcome my vocal punches.

Amen.

*****

My father passed away on September 18, 2017 after a sudden illness. In the coming days, more prayers and posts which I’ve written recently or that I will be writing will be included on this blog.

A Prayer in Dad’s Last Days

15 Friday Sep 2017

Posted by in Life, Pop

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

IMG_4100

God in whose arms rock me throughout all my bouts of tears, I abide in pain as I watch my dad struggle to draw breath after breath.

He was with me throughout my first sleep-deprived nights and now I sit with him through his final sleeps. His tears flowed in my struggles; my well of lamentation has now run dry of liquid grief watching his body’s strength evaporate before me.

I ache for the days when I could hear his voice, see him write on a piece of paper, listen to his monotone singing.

Those moments can only be found in my rear view mirror.

As the aches of my heart pass along to my mind and spread fatigue throughout my body, give me the balm I need to survive these next hours.

Together, Holy One, we will continue to linger on every sacred breath, every twitch of his face. Even as his body is minimally alive, I bask in the radiating sunset of his soul, cherishing the last few moments of summertime innocence.

Amen.

 

An Eclipse Day Prayer

21 Monday Aug 2017

Posted by in Current Events, Life, Pop

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

wallpaper-1492818_1920

God of blazing beams and unsettling shadows,
As the moon obstructs the light of day
And gifts us a midday nighttime,
Give us the much needed illumination for our souls.

We ask that in this eerie midday spectacular
We can see you in the shadows of day.
We ask that in this eerie season of multiple spiritual eclipses
That your light can rip off the biases and prejudices that blanket our hearts.

Make this weekday intermission one where we come together despite divisions
And celebrate the totality of darkness instead of wrapping ourselves in fear.
We know that darkness is as light and bright and beautiful to you, God.
Transform our hearts to see darkness as a gift and necessity to our world.

As the sights in the sky pass from one end of our country to the other
May it bless the land with peace.
May it bless the people with understanding of one another.
And may it beam love as it travels from north to south and west to east.

May this majestic and fearful apocalyptic-esque dance in the sky
Be one that unites us – even for the afternoon.
Let us set aside differences just for the day
And bask in the slivers of glow under this postmeridian phenomenon.

Amen.