Tag Archives: widows

Remembering the Newly Single – Single in the Sanctuary

14 Wednesday Feb 2018

Posted by in grief, Holidays, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

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It occurred to me a couple of days ago that this would be the first Valentine’s Day without my dad.  While that makes little impact on my life, it does, however mean that my mom is without a partner for the first time in about 48 years.

I’m not exactly sure how my mom is feeling today, nor do I want to assume those feelings or explore what traditions she may be missing.  But since it’s been less than six months since the death of my dad, a day like Valentine’s Day has the potential to stir up feelings in people who have recently lost their significant other.

And she is not alone in this life transition.

In our groups of friends as well as the people in our congregations, there are always people changing relationship status – and sometimes not for the better.  Our neighbors are experiencing breakups, divorces and losing spouses to death.  When a relationship has made a huge impact on a life (whether the team was married or not), there remains a large hole in the lives of those who are grieving.  Valentine’s Day can be another sharp and blazing reminder to this recent loss.

With all of this being said, it’s also our job as the Body of Christ to be present in the ashes of people who have been single for years – especially friends who do not enjoy their singlehood status.  Every year when Valentine’s Day rolls around, the aches of singlehood intensify, leaving them to wonder what is next.

Whether someone has recently lost someone or has been single for years, there is one less person to bring them flowers, candy or a nice fancy dinner.

So this is the challenge to the church: how will we be there for our single siblings in faith today?  How can we recognize that new losses could be extremely uncomfortable on a day like Valentine’s Day?  How can we deliver to them a bit of love – especially when delivery trucks will not be coming by their homes today?

A Prayer for the Newly Single on Valentine’s Day
Divine One whose son showed us how to love,
On this day filled with sparkles and glitter,
Help us to remember our siblings who sit in the ashes of relationships.
May those of us in romantic bliss exit our bubbles for a little while
To show love to those abiding solo among us.
May their hearts feel full and complete today.
May they see a love that fulfills them.
If their hearts yearn for their own partners,
May they find the one who will love them as they are
And may their future Valentine’s Days be ones of joy.
Amen.

 

 

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Single in the Sanctuary- Eating Alone

22 Wednesday Jun 2016

Posted by in Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

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imageI remember when my sister would see an older man or woman sitting alone. She and my mom would remark how sorry they felt for that elderly person dining by themselves. Maybe there was an energy surrounding them that reflected sadness.

Does there exist a lack of sadness for the thirty or forty year old who eats alone? Did an older person’s more-likely involuntary solitude beg for more empathy? Are younger people looked as having more resilience or is there a mentality out there that we are somehow defective or choose to be alone or fully content in our solitude?

I’ll say this: sometimes solitude is welcomed, even by this extrovert. Nowadays, we have the beauty of smart phones to give us the look of preoccupation in our aloneness. But sometimes the silence of solitude is so overwhelming that I ache from the lack of conversation.

I don’t want to be pitied for my solitude as my life is fairly full. But I wonder: does a person whose age is far greater deserve more empathy? Maybe so- especially if they just recently lost a spouse or partner. While sometimes the only option is eating alone, but do those of us who settle for solo meals sell ourselves short by settling for company-less dinners and lunches?

For faith communities: What can we do as a church so that solo people of all ages have the company they desire for more of their meals?

Single in the Sanctuary – Valentine’s Day in the Church

09 Tuesday Feb 2016

Posted by in Church Life, Holidays, Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

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love lightOnce again this year, Valentine’s Day happens to fall on a Sunday.  Now, this shouldn’t matter because it’s the first Sunday of Lent, and it isn’t an actual church holiday.

Yet, I have a feeling that some churches will be embracing societal’s yearnings by filling each little crevice of worship with mentions of this Hallmark holiday.  From my experience, I’ve seen how churches hold couples’ dances, talk about how wonderful marriage (especially heterosexual marriage) is and fill sermons and prayers for those who have already found their lifelong love.

But I’ve sat in the pews and attended churches where marriage (heterosexual ones, at that) were considered the ideal.  There didn’t feel like there was a place for this single gal… let alone our single savior, Jesus.  I felt crushed at times and even needed to leave the sanctuary on the random Sunday when the pastor gave a message marginalizing people like me.

Part of the reason I’ve started writing the Single in the Sanctuary feature and, down the road, book is to reinforced the need to validate people of all different marital statuses in the church.  One of the most-needed days of the year for us to be sensitive to the emotions of the unmarried (especially the ones who are not content as unmarried) is Valentine’s Day.

So church leaders – as you finalize your bulletins for this Sunday, remember the following:

  • A large percentage of those in our pews are not married.  They are single, divorced, widowed and cohabitating.  And each of them need our love and validation too.  We need to acknowledge where they are in their lives today – whether they have chosen their relationship status or life just happened to them.
  • 1 Corinthians 13 is not just about romantic love; it’s about something so much greater than marriages and couples.  The love chapter is about God’s steadfast, unconditional love.  It’s a love that we are called to have for each of our neighbors – not just our significant others.  Plus, this chapter reminds us that we need to love our neighbors, friends, enemies, significant others and everyone else as if we are looking through the eyes of God.  That’s more than any romcom could ever portray… although Mark Darcy telling Bridget Jones that he loves her “just as she is” comes close.
  • Shame is a piece in relationship statuses.  Still single?  What’s wrong with you?  Cohabitating?  Why can’t you just get married?  Divorced?  Why couldn’t you make your marriage work.  Part of a gay or lesbian couple?  Doesn’t God think that’s an abomination?  Having sex outside of marriage?  You are a sinner!  These are the messages that keep circling around faith communities.  Our job as the Church is to make sure that these messages are eradicated and that shame outside of the straight nuclear message doesn’t exist.
  • Pray for all marital statuses in this church – from the newly married couple, to the couple who are having challenges, to the single person with a newly fresh broken heart, to the widower experiencing his first Valentine’s Day alone.

Finally, Jesus was single.  What we believe we know is that he was never married.  We don’t know much else about this. We may wonder if he got his heart broken or if he just never had the time to get married.  But he brought together people of all marital statuses.  And that’s what we’re called today each and every day in the church.  The church isn’t just for couples or families.  It’s for all of God’s children.

Are you a progressive non-married Christian or a friend?  Please join in this new Facebook group “Single in the Sanctuary” for conversation and support.

Single in the Sanctuary – Holiday Hospitality

28 Wednesday Oct 2015

Posted by in Holidays, Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

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Being away from your family during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays is horrible.  Being single on top of this is even worse.

I’ve spent many holidays away from my family.  The first Christmas was the toughest.  I was 23 years old, living in Florida by myself and had a number of invitations to join other family units that day.  And while I did spend some of the day with others, I managed to get one of the worst headaches of my life, no doubt from the stress of being alone on Christmas day.

Fortunately over the years, I believe that God has provided me with people whom I celebrated these major holidays.  From hanging with a pastor’s family at Busch Gardens in 2001 to spending Thanksgiving with an ex-boyfriend and his parents in 2005, I’ve had some interesting opportunities, conversations and company while absent from my family.  Days were less lonely because there were others willing to open their homes to me even though I wasn’t part of their family.

As a single person, especially when I lived in Florida, I would often be given the gift of sitting at the table with other families.  This is a gift I hope I am able to pay back as the years progress.  Through friends’ open doors and plentiful tables, I was able to feel less alone when my family lived 1,000 miles away.

I think most of us do a phenomenal job with making sure those who are hungry are fed.  But what would it be like to not only feed those who are hungry but open a table to those who have no one in their lives?

Can you think of friends who may not have families in which to spend the holidays?  How can we invite them to be our family for part of the day?  That’s our responsibility as people of faith and as people with the gift of family.  We are called to open ourselves up to those who may be alone on holidays and special occasions to be an honorary part of our families.  Just like Jesus asked his followers “who is my mother and who are my brothers,” we are to expand our families to include others into our fold.  Many of his followers had to rely on the generosity of others while on their ministry journey.  How can we be like the families who opened their houses to Jesus and the early disciples and make sure they become parts of our families, even for a day or season?

What will you do this Thanksgiving or Christmas to make sure the widow, orphan, single guy or gal, newly divorced person or individual away from their family to make sure they are at your table too?

Me. Christmas 1998 in Florida at the age of 25. Sans family.

Me. Christmas 1998 in Florida at the age of 25. Sans family.

 

A Prayer for the Lone Ones on Valentine’s Day

14 Saturday Feb 2015

Posted by in Current Events, Holidays, Life, Pop, Pop Culture, Religion

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imageAs someone who often writes on marital status and the church, I feel it necessary to remember those who endure Valentine’s Day on their own.  People splash their privilege of dates and gifts on social media leaving others to feel even more isolated and expendable.  From my experience, Valentine’s Day gives privilege to the haves – whether it’s haves of money or love.  During the many years when I was single on Valentine’s Day, my soul felt so insignificant.  Now that I do have a Valentine with whom I can share my day and my heart, I feel blessed but I must still remember the loneliness that this day will bring many, and urge all of us to send our love to those who struggle today.

God of the broken hearts
And the lonely souls,
On this day reserved for those “loved”
Those who seem so “whole”
Give us the peace of knowing we are complete.

Just as we are.
Today.

On this life-long journey
We wander in the wilderness, sometimes.
And sometimes, we wander that wilderness alone.

We set aside our celebrations
Of pink and red and sparkles
To give our hearts to those who dwell in solitude.
May they discover joy outside of the expectations
That this day brings
And in spite of the chocolates and roses and dinners by candlelight.

For those whose singlehood is new
After a recent break in their lives
God, fill their hearts with peace
And may they see the expanding lights of hope.

For those who have been single year after year
In the shadow-filled tunnels of silence-
Those who wonder when their turn at love will arrive
And feel trapped in exile-
Open their hearts to all possibilities.
Guide them out of the wilderness.

For those who have lost loves to death
And their person abides on that side of heaven,
Uplift their spirits.
Take away the pangs of grief.
Bring light into their lives again.

For those who ache
Wondering if their love will last,
Spark their hearts with the flame of renewal
And may love rise from the ashes.

On this human-created day where some have so much
and others are empty,
Scatter your energy around, God,
So that hope abounds
And joy will be embraced again.

Are We Helping the “Widows”?

06 Wednesday Nov 2013

Posted by in Current Events, Life, Pop, Pop Culture, Religion

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Do we really help the widows and orphans?

Now let me reframe who today’s widows are: single moms/parents.  Any of them.  They could have become a single parent because of the death of spouse, divorce or experiencing a unplanned pregnancy.  Orphans are kids who have lost a parent or both parents, kids who have minimal relationship with or who are minimally provided for by a parent, or kids are estranged from parents.

People of all political perspectives will donate food over and over again to make sure they have food.  I’m just wondering if we need to do more to make sure that the system is fair?  What steps are we missing so that they can have a life of joy?

Today’s widows often feel shame when they have to go on welfare/food stamps/Medicaid.  Many don’t believe that they would face a time when they would need government assistance.  Political pundits keep making them feel “less than.”  Politicians keep voting for them to receive less and less aid.

To some, taking care of the widows and orphans has become an optional faith mandate.

Shame and guilt and cutting programs doesn’t really help the widows and orphans.  Food helps some on a shorter-term basis.  (If someone has a disability, they should receive assistance to live, but that’s another blog for another time.)

When it comes down to taking care of those who struggle, I think there’s something greater: helping them live into God’s call for them.

Single moms often don’t have child care or health care or money to go back to school to strengthen their future and acknowledge God’s call.  When their child gets sick, the child MUST go home from school or daycare.  Who takes care of them?  The widow is forced to miss a day of work or school.  Such circumstances requires them to leave their achievements and God’s call behind.

The Bible says over and over and over again to take care of the widows and orphans.  It’s time we truly take care of them by walking along side of them and helping them grasp God’s dream for their lives.  If you want women to get off welfare: create a system where they can do what’s need to achieve their degrees.  Create daycare options where working moms can drop off their sick child for a day.  Do not have “points” systems at work so that a widow will go on probation if she has to miss a day of work to take care of her child.

As a single woman without children, it’s tough enough to make sure I have the energy and resources to follow God’s call.  I can’t imagine what it would be like for a woman with children.  So maybe it’s time for all of us to work together to make sure this mandate of “caring for the widows and orphans” actually takes place.*

*And please don’t play the blame game and say “having a child out of wedlock was their choice when they had sex.”  Seriously?  Like most people haven’t made those choices at some point?  Some just have the privilege of birth control and great support systems.