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Michelle L. Torigian

~ God Goes Pop Culture

Michelle L. Torigian

Category Archives: Single in the Sanctuary

One Good Friday

16 Tuesday Apr 2019

Posted by mictori in grief, Lent Prayers, Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

emotional abuse, Good Friday, mental abuse, trigger warning, Verbal Abuse

Trigger warning: abuse

woman-1245788_1920

The writing below occurred on a Good Friday over 20 years ago. I was verbally abused by a significant other during my mid-20’s. While he never physically abused me, I believe I would have left as soon as hits and shoves began. Instead, I wondered for months if what I was experiencing was verbal and emotional abuse, often convincing myself otherwise and telling myself that it would get better.

*****

From the rolling tears creeping down my cheeks
And the short breaths attempting to fill my lungs with air,
I inhale your disgust,
The grit spilling from your voice
Tastes like clouds of dust escaping from bottoms of sandals.

Our dinner the night before was a beautiful memory-
A time of quiet celebration…
But oh how the tone has changed quickly.

Even when my prayers begged for you not to betray me again, you walk back in.
Your hate-filled, dagger-edged sentiments
Came back to the room.
You weren’t finished.

Hit me, I think to myself.
I can finally come down off of the cross to which you nailed my spirit
And I can flee towards the lands of plenty
Where the God of hope and love has promised me
Milk, honey, vines drooping with grapes and nets overflowing with fish.

Hit me, I say to myself. I want to know where you stand
Instead of you driving the crown of thorns upon my sore spirit-
And removing it.  Then placing it and removing it
Again
And again
And again.

Your repeated accusations and condemnations pick apart my heart.

You might as well smack my face or whip me across the back
Or pierce my side with the dagger you kept in your bag
Because I cannot tell if I’ve done something wrong
Or if you’re thriving from my pain
And stirring
Stirring
Stirring the energy around us to kill the dreams leading me forward.

Your ‘love’ dizzies me
Like a ride on a chariot.
Your ‘love’ lifts me
Like a soldier lifting the Christ’s cross.
Your ‘love’ pierces me
Like nails driven into a body.
Such ecstasy is too much for my soul.
You’ve taken my breath – my will to breathe – away.

*****

I’m ready for my empty tomb and riding on clouds
Because my night in spiritual Sheol has captured all of my tears.

I will no longer allow you to cast your die upon my mind.
And I will shed your sins that you have showered upon my soul.

*****

As we wake for the new day
And you wash your hands of last night’s agony,
I barely feel human.

It’s Saturday.
We say goodbye.
The next time we meet face-to-face,
I’ve left the tomb.

 

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Mother’s Day Free Spaces

11 Friday May 2018

Posted by mictori in Church Life, Current Events, grief, Holidays, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

child-free, Childless, Childlessness, Infertility, miscarriage, Mother's Day, Mother's Day 2018, motherhood, Single, single in the sanctuary

autumn-beautiful-blur-403638

Photo by Simon Robben from Pexels

How many of our churches are Mother’s Day free spaces?

I ask this because many women do not want to come to church on Mother’s Day.  We don’t want people to talk about it, or reward moms or even just celebrate a roll that we are supposed to embrace.  There are many people in our churches who can’t have children or don’t want to or had awful parents.

They do not want to come to church on Sunday.

And yet, we look at this like a holy day.  While parents are holy people, Mother’s Day is not on the liturgical calendar.  Granted, the Law tells us to honor our mothers and fathers.  But scripture also gives us many instances when women were hurting because they couldn’t conceive.

Would Sarah, Hannah, Rachel, Rebekah, Tamar be welcome in our worship places this Sunday?  What about Elizabeth, mother of John?

Ideally, it would be wonderful to stop with the Mother’s Day gushing in sacred spaces – because women who want to worship but who also are triggered by this day won’t show up.  They aren’t welcome because they do not feel safe in the space.  Their emotions are not strong enough to carry them from the beginning to end of the service.

We may even give all of the women flowers or candy.
We may even pray for all women – including the ones hurting and enduring loss.
But they do not feel safe.

So on this Mother’s Day – even when our churches will go ahead with handing flowers and candy to women – please remember the following:

Not all women are mothers
Not all women are able to bear children.
Some moms in the room may have lost a baby.
Some have had miscarriages.
Some are facing fertility issues.
Some women have not had the opportunity to have children because life happened.
Some do not want to have them.
Some people in the room have had traumatic relationship with their moms.
Some people lost their mom in the past year and didn’t realize how this day in church would be triggering to them.
Some people have two dads or never had a mom because of family structures.  A day like this brings awkwardness – even if we honor the fathers a month later.
Some women came to church just to worship and not focus on this.

So acknowledge this day if you must – but do so in a way that is inclusive in nature.  Honor all women because it takes a village to raise children.  Honor families who have lost mothers in the past year.  Ask families who hurt on this day how can we make worship more welcoming of them.  If you have two services maybe keep one Mother’s Day-free.

It’s our job to make sure to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.  Our call is to ensure those who hurt are comforted, those who celebrate feel joyful and to challenge preconceived notions and stereotypes when the opportunity arises.

And sometimes all of that happens on Mother’s Day.

See my other stories regarding grief on Mother’s Day:
Between Childless and Childfree
Affirming All Women in Church on Mother’s Day
When Cheesecake is More Than Cheesecake
The Plans We Make

 

 

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1 Corinthians 13 for Me

21 Wednesday Feb 2018

Posted by mictori in Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1 Corinthians 13, God's unconditional love, Grace, Love Yourself, low self-esteem, self-care, self-esteem, self-love, unconditional love, women

In an effort to promote an authentic and healthy love of self as many of us fail to do, I’ve taken 1 Corinthians 13 and made it into a statement that a person can speak to themselves.

*****

SONY DSC

I could speak or write brilliantly in the language of humans and heavenly beings, but let’s be honest – if I do not have love for myself, all my words are just a bunch of noise.

And if I seek justice and peace for the world, and understand all and know all, and if I have an amazing faith on paper, which may look like I could move mountains,
ALL OF THIS…
But
do NOT love myself – you know, the unconditional way that God loves me –
my work is empty… even hypocritical.

If I give away all I own to appear as a fabulous philanthropist,
and if I dress up my body so that I may boast that I look young or hot,
but do not have genuine self-love of my essence and soul, I gain nothing.

Loving myself through all my errors takes patience.
Loving myself means that I am required to be kind to myself.

Healthy love of self doesn’t mean that I’m envious of others (which I am quite often).
It does not allow me to brag over and over of my accomplishments or become arrogant and rude to prove that I am better than others.

Love of self absolutely can not be shadowed in shallowness,
and it requires me to reflect when I’m irritable or resentful of someone else’s accomplishments or celebrations.

This unconditional love does not allow me to rejoice when someone else errs, and it leaves no space for me to berate myself when I make a mistake.

It rejoices in what is best for everyone.

In order for my soul to thrive, true love of self will seek help when life is harsh.
It believes that anything is possible.
It continues to hope for all things
It endures when love seems present no where else.

Authentic love for myself is meant to be permanent and eternal.

But as for the work I do, it will eventually come to an end as my body ages or my mind falls away.
As for the brilliant language that I write or speak- it’s all going to cease.
As for knowledge that I possess here on this side of heaven, it will come to an end.

Let’s face it, now I see myself and God and others only in part. All I do will always fall short because of that partial view I have.
But when the complete comes somewhere on that side of heaven, the partial will come to an end.
The complete view of me and God and others and the universe will be all I can see.

I remember when I was a teen. I spoke like a teen, and I thought like a teen.
I reasoned like a teen.
I was disgusted by myself the way a teen would be.
Since becoming an adult,
I’ve been working on not to look at myself the same way I did at 14.

For I must remember that I see myself in a dim, cloudy, foggy mirror.
But someday, somewhere I will see the true view of my face and heart and soul.
For I must remember that right now I only myself in part-
But at some point I will know fully, even as God knows and loves me fully.

When nothing goes right and the world seems hopeless and I’m thinking so little of myself, I must remember that these three pieces are my foundation:
faith, hope, and love.

And even when faith in myself weakens and hope for the future wanes, God’s authentic, unconditional love for me will guide me back to where I need to be.

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Remembering the Newly Single – Single in the Sanctuary

14 Wednesday Feb 2018

Posted by mictori in grief, Holidays, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

break ups, breakups, Church, divorce, loss of loved one, loss of partner, loss of spouse, newly single, Pastoral Care, Single, single in the sanctuary, Singlehood, Valentine's Day, Widowed, widows

pexels-photo-327131 (1)

It occurred to me a couple of days ago that this would be the first Valentine’s Day without my dad.  While that makes little impact on my life, it does, however mean that my mom is without a partner for the first time in about 48 years.

I’m not exactly sure how my mom is feeling today, nor do I want to assume those feelings or explore what traditions she may be missing.  But since it’s been less than six months since the death of my dad, a day like Valentine’s Day has the potential to stir up feelings in people who have recently lost their significant other.

And she is not alone in this life transition.

In our groups of friends as well as the people in our congregations, there are always people changing relationship status – and sometimes not for the better.  Our neighbors are experiencing breakups, divorces and losing spouses to death.  When a relationship has made a huge impact on a life (whether the team was married or not), there remains a large hole in the lives of those who are grieving.  Valentine’s Day can be another sharp and blazing reminder to this recent loss.

With all of this being said, it’s also our job as the Body of Christ to be present in the ashes of people who have been single for years – especially friends who do not enjoy their singlehood status.  Every year when Valentine’s Day rolls around, the aches of singlehood intensify, leaving them to wonder what is next.

Whether someone has recently lost someone or has been single for years, there is one less person to bring them flowers, candy or a nice fancy dinner.

So this is the challenge to the church: how will we be there for our single siblings in faith today?  How can we recognize that new losses could be extremely uncomfortable on a day like Valentine’s Day?  How can we deliver to them a bit of love – especially when delivery trucks will not be coming by their homes today?

A Prayer for the Newly Single on Valentine’s Day
Divine One whose son showed us how to love,
On this day filled with sparkles and glitter,
Help us to remember our siblings who sit in the ashes of relationships.
May those of us in romantic bliss exit our bubbles for a little while
To show love to those abiding solo among us.
May their hearts feel full and complete today.
May they see a love that fulfills them.
If their hearts yearn for their own partners,
May they find the one who will love them as they are
And may their future Valentine’s Days be ones of joy.
Amen.

 

 

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Loving Me for Me

12 Monday Feb 2018

Posted by mictori in Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Love Yourself, Made in God's image, Psalm 139, self-esteem, spiritual gifts

 

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IMG_6820

This is a snapshot from a 2015 The Upper Room devotional.  For  more information, visit https://www.upperroom.org/

Today, this was read at our church council meeting.

I’m not sure why the person chose to use this particular submission today – especially since this piece was from 2015.  But for some reason, the winds of the Holy Spirit were in motion, and I needed to hear something.  As she continued to read this devotional at the meeting, tears were streaming down my face.

How do I become someone I’m not?  I’m so, so tired trying to be  I suppose this has been a question almost 45 years in the making.  From the time we are young, we are conditioned to “fit in.”  Our consumerist culture encourages us to want what our neighbors have.  The visible lives of our friends seem so ideal compared to what we have, yet we do not know their challenges.

To me, my life seems scattered, second-tier and, in many ways, pathetic.  I hold myself up to the world’s standards, and I see only my shortcomings.

My gifts and accomplishments, on the other hand, were missing from my view.  I’m probably harder on myself than others are on me.  But for me my shortcomings are front and center – staring me in the face – as to poke fun at the gifts I lack.

What I forget is that all of you have shortcomings as well – they may just be a bit different than mine.  And all of you have gifts as well – they may also be a bit different than mine.

Then there are the times when I wish I could have the talents and interests of the people closest to me.  I’ve spent almost 45 years trying to fit this square peg into a round hole.  The work of conforming and remodeling ourselves to fit others’ expectations becomes exhausting.  At some point of our lives, we no longer have the energy to mold ourselves to their liking.  At some point, we must just become ok with who we are.

Now, this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t continue to work on our shortcomings.  But we need to stop being so hard on ourselves because of them.  I am not good at everything.  (Obviously)  I am NOT good at everything.  I will never be.  At nearly 45 years old I need to come to terms that I am not good at every single task, and I am not interested in accomplishing everything.

But here is what I need to do:

First of all, I need to ask for help for my growing edges.  There is nothing wrong with asking for help.  (For people like me who struggle asking for help, I’ll repeat myself: there is nothing wrong asking for help.)  Because I am not talented in every aspect of life, this means that some activities will not come easy to me.  As humans and children of God, we are called to work together to use our gifts to assist others who struggle.

Secondly, there are some gifts I do not have. I will never have these gifts.  I will never be a talented singer, be a star of a movie, hike Kilimanjaro, skydive, or a number of other things.  And I am becoming fine with this.

Third, it’s time for me to begin focusing on the ways I excel and where I want to invest in my passions.  Forty-five is not old.  But it is the beginning of life’s second act.  God is calling me to use whatever energy I may have to strengthen this world and the people within it.  I am gifted at artwork, marketing and writing.  I no longer need to explain away how I will never be a triathlon competitor, raw sushi connoisseur and lover of Tarantino films.

Like this devotion, it’s time for me and all of us to be firm in who we are.  Psalm 139 reminds us that this is who God created me to be.  This.  Here and now.  I am gifted and flawed.  I have ways that I can still grow.  I hold in my heart many things I still want to accomplish.  But I am Michelle.  I have been for 45 years, and I will be for the remainder of my life.  I must live in my own skin and with my own mind.

As the devotional says: “we can confidently live as the people God created us to be.”  How liberating it is for each of us to claim that reality!  No longer do I have to live as others expect me to live.  This is who I am – made by God in the image of God.

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When Cheesecake Is More Than Cheesecake

15 Monday May 2017

Posted by mictori in Church Life, Holidays, Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

child-free, Childless, Childlessness, Church, Infertility, Mother's Day, motherhood

cheesecake picToday, Mother’s Day 2017, I went to lunch with some people from church.  I was the only non-mom female adult in the group.

It was wonderful catching up and spending time with this group of people.  When the end of the meal came, the other women at the table received a free piece of cheesecake.

I did not.

Now, I was planning on spending my dessert calories elsewhere in the day (as I had a free coupon for a sundae that I was looking forward to).  While the cheesecake looked delicious, I wasn’t as disappointed that I wasn’t eating cheesecake as much as what that cheesecake represented.

That dessert represented the haves and the have nots when it comes to family structures.

I continue to claim the status of somewhere between childhood and childfree.  Most days, I am content with not having children, I suppose.  While 360 days of the year I’m fine (or have, at least, convinced myself I am fine) not having children, certain holidays roll around each year, reminding me of what I don’t have.

For instance, there’s Christmas morning in which I don’t have children waking me up, excited about getting presents.  Then there’s Easter Day, when families all sit together with children beaming from the Easter Bunny excitement.

And it feels like a knife cuts into my soul.

I was already having a rough day due to what Mother’s Day means to me: a day representing dreams that didn’t happen.  Each year, I never expect it to impact me as it does until the day rolls around and I’m dealing with aches in my heart every time I see photos of friends with their children, knowing that isn’t the same path my life took.

There’s the primary source of sadness and grief: not having children.  But when a piece of cake comes out for all of the other women at your table, you realize that your path is so very different from the path of your sisters, and grieve a secondary loss of being looked over by society.

And that’s why I encourage churches to take an inclusive approach to this holiday by praying for all women on Mother’s Day – the ones with children and the ones who face childlessness.  We pray for the ones beaming with joy and the ones who would rather not come to church on this Sunday.

Many women refused to go to churches on Mother’s Day because of the glorification mothers receive.  At the church I serve, we recognize that Mother’s Day is about being a mother and being part of the process of mothering.  All women (and all people) fit into the latter category as it really does take a village to raise children.

I’m pleased to be one of many pastors who is bringing a new inclusive way of recognizing Mother’s Day to churches.

I just wish restaurants would catch up…

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Single in the Sanctuary – The Privilege of Marriage

29 Thursday Sep 2016

Posted by mictori in Life, Pop, Pop Culture, Religion, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

are singles welcome in the church, chastity, Jesus Single, marital status, marital status privilege, premarital sex, privilege, single Christians, single in the sanctuary, single progressive Christians, Very Married

food-couple-sweet-married-largeIn 1996, I was newly independent – living on my own for the first time. While at the time I was in a relationship with someone 90 miles away, I was not married spiritually or legally.

I was changing over my driver’s license, plates, and car insurance.  When I called around to find out insurance rates, I was told that my insurance rates would be considerably higher since I was not married.

I thought about all of my friends who were getting married that year and how they were sharing living expenses with their spouses as well as registering for new items for their house and getting better deals on taxes and insurance.

I suppose that may have been the first time I thought about the privilege of marriage and the slights unmarried people face from time to time.

Now, there are privileged states with each part of our lives.  I don’t necessarily think that being unmarried is a significant marginalization like being an ethnic, racial, gender, sexual orientation or gender/identity/expression minorities.  I am extremely privileged in most ways and do not want to distract people from the serious marginalization that goes on in our communities – from being arrested due to color to being beaten due to religion or sexual orientation.

But from what I’ve seen, heard, and experienced, there is more privilege to being married.  It’s an experience that I have never experienced but friends who are aware of their privilege have noted how they now feel more privileged now that they are married.

I suppose that’s why something did not sit well with me when I read Katherine Willis Pershey’s article “Field Notes on Sex and Marriage: Fully naked, fully known” in the September 28, 2016 Christian Century.  First of all, I have so much respect for Willis Pershey as a writer, pastor and colleague and have enjoyed her writings.  The progressive/Mainline Protestant community is blessed by her talents, and I want to make sure to lift her up for what she gives to her colleagues and those to whom she is ministering.  I believe it has taken much courage to write some of the things she has written, and I thank her for her vulnerability.

What challenged me is the article’s tone towards sex before marriage and the lack of another perspective in the publication – maybe a choice by the editors.  Now, I think many of us are on the same page when it comes to making sure that everyone is in a healthy situation when becoming intimate.  I don’t necessarily think a 14, 15, or 16 year old has the emotional and intellectual development to engage in sex at such an early age.  Are they willing to ask the hard questions of their partners before engaging in physical intimacy?  Are they willing to get tested for sexually transmitted infections or make the decisions needed when having an unwanted pregnancy?

I suppose the way I picked up on the article’s premarital sex perspective is what many of us have heard over and over again: “Now that I’m married, I’m allowed this extra privilege.  You must wait until you are married.”

So add sex to the long list of privileges that married people can enjoy – from discounts to companionship to house furnishings.

Again, I don’t want to place the burden on this one writer.  She should not face the blame of the message that has lasted from decade to decade.  She was expressing what worked well for her.  Unfortunately, to me it seemed as though because it wasn’t good for her, others should live a certain way.

Why I needed to write about this now: single people are tired of hearing what we can and can’t do from another married person, or what we haven’t experienced, or for what we must wait.  With a space like the fairly-progressive Christian Century, I was hoping that it was a safer space for single, divorced, widowed, cohabitating people, and anyone who doesn’t fit into a traditional marriage.  Because they chose not to have another perspective included in the same issue, it did not feel like a safe space.

We aren’t all ready to marry at 22, or 25, or 30, or even 40.  We consistently and ethically evaluate when the right time to get married because we don’t want to marry at the wrong time, or in the wrong situation, or the wrong person.  We make the best decisions for us – and they’re not always perfect (no one person’s choices are completely perfect).

Many of us make choices throughout our lives to adhere to what is considered the popular Christian ethic regarding intimacy and others of us don’t.  Since shame was the first major thing that divided humans from God, we don’t want to place shame on others so that their relationships with God, neighbor and self is destroyed.

Looking at history, it seems as though people have been restricted from getting married – from slaves in the 19th century to racially diverse couples in the 20th century to LGBT people at the beginning of the 21st century.  It seems as though some people want marriage reserved for some and not other – maybe to keep privilege for themselves.  And even though some are open to marriage equality for all, they aren’t open to marital status equality for those who aren’t married.

If you are a true friend to single people, are you willing to advocate for equal tax breaks?  Are you willing to ensure that their insurance rates aren’t higher?  Are you willing to help them find a way to furnish their house instead of waiting for their magical significant other to arrive and wedding registries to become available?  Will you stop criticizing and shaming them on their relationship and sexual choices, knowing that not everyone can fit in some pretty marriage box?

I don’t think I can no longer sit silent as both conservative and progressive married people continue to “marriagesplain” us on how we should live our lives.  No person of any type of privilege should pigeonhole us and shame us even the slightest into fitting into another’s box no matter who we are on our life journey.

As the church and as faith leaders, please think about how you talk to someone of a different marital status.  How do your words encourage them, validate them as full humans, give them a sense of hope?  How have your words shamed them in the past, and what can you do differently with the next unmarried person you meet?

More needs to be written from the progressive single perspective as there are plenty of writings by married people telling singles how to live – and usually it’s same perspective: be chaste, save sex until marriage, if you don’t wait, you will be damaged.  Yet, single people are authentically wonderful just as they/we are, made in God’s image, and we want to be heard as well.

I hope someday I will have the mindset to read Willis Pershey’s book Very Married as I have heard amazing things about it and want to honor her work.  At this point of my life, being very single for 43 years, watching everyone I know and love walk down the aisle to privilege, I don’t think I have enough strength at this moment to do so.  It’s just another painful reminder for me that the very single still dwindle in some purgatory until mindsets change or we change to fit into their view of what a complete human looks like.

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Class Reunion Trepidations

27 Tuesday Sep 2016

Posted by mictori in Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Class of 1991, Class of 91, expectations, God, high school reunion, progressive Christianity, self-esteem, Single, single in the sanctuary, Singlehood

meAdmittedly, I weigh more than my last class reunion.  I have additional gray hairs and wrinkles.  My success to failure ratio isn’t all that phenomenal.  I didn’t expand my family in any way since the last time I met with these people.

Basically, my vulnerable, 43-year-old self is heading into the den of expectations known as the class reunion.  And for some reason – maybe nearly reaching some new level of self-actualization – I care slightly less than I did at 38.

I really can’t describe what group I belonged to throughout high school.  I was definitely a band geek with some flavoring of academic nerd and artistic flair.  At the beginning of high school, I was extremely dorky.  Having a father as a civics teacher at the same school didn’t quite help my reputation.  I dated very little – probably due to a unhealthy mix of subpar self-esteem mixed with standing in my strict father’s shadow.

By junior and senior year, I had found my rhythm – identifying with the overachievers at the school, hanging out in G-rated situations and pretty much getting along with most people.

After graduating high school, I lived at home during some summers and holiday breaks.  A few months after graduating high school, I left my hometown, only to return for vacations and occasional nights away from seminary.

Life happened – lots of it, and not in the way I was hoping.  My mom would clip out photos of engagement and marriage announcements and send them to me –  none of which were my own.  I stayed safely away in single-Floridaland while my classmates coupled up and had children.

Sometimes, I challenge my expanding body and nervous soul to attend alumni gatherings in which I see everyone I knew from the days when I was some fantastic 95 pound overachiever with much more of my life ahead of me.

Yet, I think we’re reaching that point when we don’t care as much about how much we haven’t done or how fabulous we are compared to someone else.

We’re reaching the point in which we are just happy to be alive and happy that our friends and classmates are well and still alive.

We’re happy that we’ve all taken time out of our busy schedules and traveled many miles to set aside this weekend to connect in 3D instead of social media.

We are all in our middle years, facing the aging of our parents, their deaths, transitions with our health and understanding that life constantly takes turns for good and bad.  And, yet, we are all still standing.

We are happy to see that many of us have set aside our cans of ozone-reducing hairspray to attain bangs of great heights and chopped off business-up-front-party-in-the-back mullets – although it’s all good if that’s our hairstyles of choice.

We are happy to set aside time to feel like our inner 18-year-olds still exist even when our bodies feel every second of their 43-year-old lives.

I thank my God every time I remember you.  I thank my God every time I can cross the miles to see you.

 

 

 

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The Grace Project

22 Monday Aug 2016

Posted by mictori in Life, Music, Pop, Pop Culture, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Florence + The Machine, God, God's grace, Grace, Love Yourself, self-care, Shake It Out, The Grace Project

image.jpgI give no grace to myself.

There.  I said it.  It’s been my reality for the 43 years I’ve been alive.  I’ve apologized millions of times for my existence.  My competitive nature does not play well with my graceless attitude because I compare myself with others and then give myself a tough time when I haven’t achieved the same.  I blame myself for not marrying in my twenties or thirties.  I blame myself for not having children or being at the top of my career.  I blame myself for my weight and all of my health issues (most of which I can not control).  I blame myself for the times when I fell short of my goals and dreams.

I blame myself when I forget something relatively small because I forget that I am human.

Because I am so hard on myself, I tend to really rob myself of grace when others give me a tough time about mistakes.  For some reason, ever since I was young, I believed that I needed to be my own worse critic, so when someone else is tougher on me than I am on myself, I raise my level of self-criticism.

I forget that my faith is one that is all about grace.  I neglect to acknowledge that God is pouring copious amounts of grace upon me even as I rob myself of the same. While I am generous in grace with others – mostly because that is the way I would want to be treated – I can not gift the same to myself.

Technically, living in my own critical, graceless head is hell because there is a wall between me and God’s mercy. If hell exists, it can’t be any worse than this, I now think to myself.

There have been times in my past when I’ve noticed that my soul is either filled with rage against me or completely empty.  My soul has lacked love from me, and now is the time to work on filling up that tank with something positive, not the negative it has become accustomed to.

So today I open myself up to the world of my greatest shortcoming: lacking self-grace.  Today, I move towards loving myself, knowing that I will continue to be human and continue to make mistakes.  And sometimes, what I will do will hurt someone else – not because I want it to, but because we all overlook others.  But now when I make those errors, it’s my call to begin the process of forgiveness, to extend reconciliation not only to neighbor but to self.

This new project of mine can be best summed up in the words of Florence + The Machine’s song “Shake It Out”:

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart

Dear graceless heart, it’s time for you to go.  It’s time to heal from your scars.  It’s time to embrace grace as a way of living.

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Single in the Sanctuary -The 50th That Never Will Be

02 Tuesday Aug 2016

Posted by mictori in Church Life, Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

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50th, 50th anniversary, Anna, Anna the prophetess, divorce, divorced, Luke 2, marriage, married, Single, single in the sanctuary, Singlehood, wedding anniversary

single balloonThere’s a moment in many of our lives when you realize you probably may not celebrate your 50th wedding anniversary.

I’m 43 years old.  Granted, I could live to 95 or 100.  But that is banking on both people in the couple living to 95 or 100.  The average life expectancy is 79.68 here in the United States.  My oldest grandparents were nearly 86 when they died.  I would be ecstatic to live until 86, but that would mean I would “only” have a 35- or 40- year marriage, for which I would be blessed.

And still – not a 50-year marriage.

Our society as well as our churches get excited when we see couples celebrating their 50th, 60th and even 70th anniversaries.  We herald it as the way to live, as the optimal lifestyle.

But what about the people whose lives were turned over by one spouse’s death?  What happens to the wife who needs to leave her husband because the marriage is abusive?  What happens when the husband and wife grow apart, or when one spouse wakes up one morning and discovers their spouse is gone?  What happens to our LGBTQ friends who were only able to officially get married when they were 50, 60 or 70?  What happens to those of us who decide to take our time finding the right significant other because we want quality of years over quantity of years?

When I think of short marriages, Anna the prophetess comes to mind.  Luke 2 says that she “lived with her husband seven years after her marriage, then as a widow to the age of eighty-four.”  After the passing of Anna’s spouse, she dedicates her life to worshipping God in the temple.  Anna’s is a life worth celebrating.  Her seven year marriage was worth celebrating.  The decades of unmarried life is worth celebrating because they were spent answering God’s call.

We should still ABSOLUTELY celebrate anniversaries – like we merrily recognize birthdays and other life milestones and everything happy in life.  But we should not necessarily place quantity of years married at the top of life’s ideal.  Instead, we should place happy and healthy marriages – even short ones – as the goal of marriage (for those who feel called to get married).  We should place our own physical, mental and spiritual health and safety above what society thinks about the length of marriage.  We should place our own calls – whether to be single or married – over one particular ideal marital status.  We should marry when we feel ready to marry, not fitting ourselves into our world’s expectations.

Guess what?  This means many people will never celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary.  And that’s ok.

Churches: It’s our job to make sure that everyone is celebrated whatever they’ve achieved or milestones they have reached.  But we shouldn’t just value long marriages.  We should value relationships that are healthy.  We are called to value people of all marital statuses.  Let us celebrate all of our congregants wherever they are at in their lives and whatever they desire to celebrate.

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