Category Archives: grief

Anniversaries and Grief

18 Friday Sep 2020

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Today’s the third anniversary of my dad’s death. While I’m doing ok living in a world absent of his voice, I obviously miss him greatly.

The thing I noticed about my grief is that it takes on different forms. Maybe I feel a bit of malaise. Maybe my mind is more distracted. Maybe my blood pressure becomes elevated. (The last one has been an issue whenever someone close to me dies.)

What I must remember is that I am required to be kind to myself this week each year. The day I got the call about dad’s cardiac arrest was extremely traumatic. The week sitting by his bedside and sleeping in hospital and hospice rooms was exhausting. The memories of this week cause a number of feelings to bubble up and many that are just below the surface.

I’m off today. I can tell. My grief is not the outpouring of tears all of the time. But it’s present. I will keep going, and I’m grateful for God’s grace to cover my mistakes and distracted mind and God’s peace to accompany the traumatic memories.

Just like the last three years, I’ll get through this.

A Prayer for the Ones Ailing and Dying Alone

26 Thursday Mar 2020

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Peace-bearing God-
We know that your presence fills each space and time in our universe.
When we cannot enter a space,
You are present.
When our loved ones are on the brink of Sheol, the roughest of spaces,
You are present.

So many who are on our hearts are in hospitals and care facilities.
The doors are locked to the outside world,
And loved ones are barred from entering.

Their bodies ache and may be failing them,
And what they want most-
To be surrounded by the ones they love-
Is a privilege denied.

So many are about to go on ventilators,
And all they want to do is share love with their dear ones-
A small consolation that is near impossible.

We ask that they find bedside friend through you, Holy Attendant.
May final breaths be filled with memories of loved-filled times.
May moments of healing be invigorated by hope seen in small moments
And friendly strangers.

And for the loved ones outside of doors
Whose deep desires are to be at bedsides
Instead of in silent homes-
May they find peace through you God.
May they find ways to share their love
Before the end arrives.

May your Divine Comfort give all who ail and all who love them
The strength they need.
If death nears,
May they find all of the peace they need from you, God.
We thank you for all of the caregivers in hospital rooms and care facilities
Who can give the ailing a little bit of comfort.

May hearts that are shattered find the healing they need through you.
And may we realize that none of us are every fully alone.

Amen.

Quarantine Worship – Lent 5 and John 11

24 Tuesday Mar 2020

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Entry into Worship
Some enter worship with bubbles of joy in their souls
and some come to this time with dread-painted spirits.
Some enter worship with pitchers full of hope
and others only bring bowls of despair.

You may be carrying a myriad of emotions
or feel like your emotions have run dry.
This is the space to bring your fullest selves-
whether withered or flourishing.

No matter where you are spiritually or physically,
Your tears and laughter are welcome here.

Invocation
Cradling God, as emotions swell in our minds
and our souls feel a disconcerting ache,
be our source of comfort.
In this boundless night of our existence,
be our light.
In a wilderness that has no end,
be our guide.
May we encounter your fountains of hope in this exile.
Amen.

Prayer of Reconciliation
We are overflowing with emotions right now God.
Some we understand.  Others we do not.
And with this overabundance of feelings
comes an overabundance of reactions.
Some are healthy.  Others hurt.
Forgive us for acting out of our grief.
Assist us in understanding our emotions in new ways
so that we don’t hurt our neighbors again.  Amen.

Assurance of Grace
Jesus got angry.  Jesus wept.  Jesus grieved.
Like Jesus, our full humanity will shine in this world-
from our lamenting to our laughter.
Like Jesus, the Divine Image will be seen in us
through our tears and our grins.  Amen.

Reflection on Giving
In our individual spaces, we recognize the privileges and gifts we bear-
the time that we give,
our special talents,
and our financial treasures.

While the world may seem like it’s slowed quite a bit,
our building still stands,
some programs have become virtual,
and our staff still sustains the work of the church.

With the gifts you give,
the endeavors of the congregation progresses in transformed ways.

So we pray together…
May God bless the gifts we’ve been given
as they will be used to continue our mission
whether within or outside of the church’s walls.
We thank you for technology that we use each day
to promote the mission of the church-
bringing good news and hope to the children of God.
Amen.

Benediction
Cradling God-
May our tears bless the ground on which we walk.
May our breath sustain our bodies which houses our souls.
May our beating hearts remind us of your love for us all.
Through our hearts, our breathing, and our tears, let us care for your children in this Lenten wilderness.
Amen.

(c) Rev. Michelle L. Torigian  Permission to use with attribution.

Public Events and Private Grief

29 Wednesday Jan 2020

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I have a lot of feelings and opinions when it comes to the current impeachment hearings of the US President.  Now, here is not necessarily the place to insert those opinions (although I may at some point).  But other things are bubbling up as part of this process.

My dad was my civics teacher.  He taught us about the U.S. Constitution, the leaders of our country, and the workings of elections – – and impeachments.

At the time I had had him as my civics teacher (1987-1988), only one president had been impeached.  I believe when the next impeachment hearings rolled around in the late 1990’s, I was far too concerned about frivolous things to engage in a decent debate with dad on the hearings of that time.

Right now, he’s the one person I wish was around so I could talk with him about the happenings in D.C.

We thought alike quite a bit when it came to politics and government.  Yet, we didn’t always agree on every subject.  He and I would debate fiercely on the need of having the Electoral College…

I just wish I didn’t have the last word on that debate so soon.

No matter the direction of our government-related conversations, I would learn much about civics from him – whether it was well before I formally had him as a teacher, in freshman civics class, or in the thirty years following.

And for the first time this year, I won’t get to discuss the results of the Iowa Caucus or Super Tuesday.  I won’t get to send him a selfie of me with my “I voted” sticker.  I won’t get to watch the conventions or fret as we watch the returns on election night.

This is part of grief people forget about.  What happens in our society, on the television, or out in the world can trigger grief.  This secondary grief doesn’t necessarily occur to us when we first lose our loved one.  But as time passes, moments of mourning happen because it reminds us of our beloved.

When hearing a father and daughter have died together, certain feelings may bubble up in some people who may have recently lost their father, spouse, or child.  When seeing a royal wedding on television, we may think of the time we watched another royal wedding with our grandparents.  When seeing a storyline on a television show, it may remind us of the trauma we experienced when our family member was struggling with the same challenges.

I miss my dad.  When I really reflect on the fact that I will never be able to discuss current events again with him during this life, my heart aches.  And yet I’m blessed that I had him as my teacher – both inside and outside the classroom.

A Prayer on a Bad News Day

07 Tuesday Jan 2020

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God who fills the cracks in this world-
Today was a horrific news day.

As the world falls apart,
And our neighbors endure pain,
And hate spreads across our planet,
We lament, we weep, we cry for you.

Why have you forsaken us as the earth shakes?
Why have your children screamed words of hate?
Why have bombs and planes and so much else fallen?
Why do illnesses spread throughout our loved ones?

The news was heavy… no, suffocating.
Like the air from fires,
The dust from earthquakes,
The smoke from bombs,
And the fuel from planes.

So we look towards you in our confusion, our pain, our sadness.
We try to makes sense of things that won’t make sense anyway.
And we go to bed, shedding tears upon our pillows-

Hoping that the sun will fill the skies tomorrow,
That pain is alleviated,
That fires are extinguished,
And healing begins.

Amen.

Longest Night Homeless Persons’ Memorial Service

21 Saturday Dec 2019

Posted by in Current Events, grief, Holidays, National Day Prayers, Pop

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This was written for a service that will be used in Belleville, Illinois on December 21, 2019.  The term “homeless” is used to describe this day as seen as at NationalHomeless.org, my hope was to be sensitive to the people experiencing lack of housing, hoping to look at “people first.”  Feel free to adapt as needed with attribution.

Opening Prayer
Spirit of God who hovers around all of us-
Whether we abide on the highest peak or in the lowest valley,
Whether we abide in lengthening shadows or growing light-
Fill us with peace that comes from you.

Night has reached its pinnacle,
But the victory has not been delightful.
With it comes the chills of shadows-
The frigid loneliness of grief.

In this season when daytime’s gloom sneers at all of us,
Nighttime’s shadows are anything but cover.
Night has shed it’s duty to its people,
To the ones looking for its stars of hope. 

Scripture: Luke 2:1-7
In those days a decree went out from Emperor Augustus that all the world should be registered. 2This was the first registration and was taken while Quirinius was governor of Syria. 3All went to their own towns to be registered. 4Joseph also went from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to the city of David called Bethlehem, because he was descended from the house and family of David. 5He went to be registered with Mary, to whom he was engaged and who was expecting a child. 6While they were there, the time came for her to deliver her child. 7And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in bands of cloth, and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.

Meditation
Burdened with worry and overwhelmed with joy, Jesus came into the world displaced.  Stories say he was a refugee – on the run to save his life. Later stories say that he spoke to his followers ‘Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.’ (Luke 9:58)  The one that people have called savior, teacher, friend, beloved found himself living an itinerant life for different reasons at various times.

Scripture: Psalm 91
1 You who live in the shelter of the Most High,
   who abide in the shadow of the Almighty,*
2 will say to the Lord, ‘My refuge and my fortress;
   my God, in whom I trust.’
3 For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler
   and from the deadly pestilence;
4 he will cover you with his pinions,
   and under his wings you will find refuge;
   his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.
5 You will not fear the terror of the night,
   or the arrow that flies by day,
6 or the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
   or the destruction that wastes at noonday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
   ten thousand at your right hand,
   but it will not come near you.
8 You will only look with your eyes
   and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 Because you have made the Lord your refuge,*
   the Most High your dwelling-place,
10 no evil shall befall you,
   no scourge come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
   to guard you in all your ways.
12 On their hands they will bear you up,
   so that you will not dash your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the adder,
   the young lion and the serpent you will trample under foot.
14 Those who love me, I will deliver;
   I will protect those who know my name.
15 When they call to me, I will answer them;
   I will be with them in trouble,
   I will rescue them and honour them.
16 With long life I will satisfy them,
   and show them my salvation.

Prayer
For the ones struggling with severe mental health
Who can’t see the world through a clear lens
And exist with a view of the world which is contorted-
A permanent place to stay is not in their path:
May we journey with them to find answers
And places of refuge in the nighttime of their lives.

For the ones with PTSD
Hurt by wars and the world:
May their spiritual wounds heal.
And in this meantime
As their life is lived under stars and clouds
May your light give them promise.

For LGBTQ children who find no place at home
Forsaken by family,
Deserted by friends:
May your light guide them to families of the soul.

For the ones struggling with addiction
Whose life shifted because of this health crisis
And no home fits their current shape of life:
May the power of your love strengthen them
And gift them the courage of newness and health.

For the ones who live in the system of eviction-
Surviving on couches,
Crouching in car seats,
Trying to sleep in spaces so small
And find a place of their own:
May our world work together to lead them to homes
And pathways of hope.

For ones living among violence
Who wonder if every tomorrow will be the end of their journeys:
May our communities find ways to find the refuge of peace they need.

For the ones who have perished by violence, from suicide
From overdoses, from the frigid chills of the air,
From the lack of medicine and lack of food.
For their loved ones who grieved long before their deaths
And will long after-
We pray for their everlasting peace.
We pray for their loved ones’ comfort will cover them during the longest night of the year.

May our systems change.
May our hearts transform.
May we repent and change the ways that have held others back.

We pray this to you, Divine Love, Spirit of Hope.
Amen.

Scripture: Psalm 139
1 O Lord, you have searched me and known me.
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
   you discern my thoughts from far away.
3 You search out my path and my lying down,
   and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
   O Lord, you know it completely.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
   and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
   it is so high that I cannot attain it.
7 Where can I go from your spirit?
   Or where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there;
   if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning
   and settle at the farthest limits of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
   and your right hand shall hold me fast.
11 If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me,
   and the light around me become night’,
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
   the night is as bright as the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.
13 For it was you who formed my inward parts;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
   Wonderful are your works;
that I know very well.
15   My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
   intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes beheld my unformed substance.
In your book were written
   all the days that were formed for me,
   when none of them as yet existed.
17 How weighty to me are your thoughts, O God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
18 I try to count them—they are more than the sand;
   I come to the end*—I am still with you.

Meditation
They didn’t have the world’s refuge.
They didn’t have overhead protection.
Their blankets were torn.
Their coats light.
There was no refuge, we know this to be true.
And yet God was their refuge.
It’s hard to see this when they often had no cover
From violence, from the chills, from viruses, from medications.
Maybe it’s time for us to answer the call to be God’s refuge.
We may be the ones God’s commanding.
We may be the ones to sit with them in Sheol,
To follow them to the farthest places of the world,
And into the long night of the soul.

Remembering the Ones Lost
Please write the name of your loved one on the paper
And place it within the box.

Prayer
Loving God, we know you accompanied these loved ones to their shadow-filled corners.  No matter how far they could flee in this world, they could never flee from you.

We commend their spirit to you knowing they abide with you forever, knowing they live in your eternal refuge.  May their spirits be free from the pains of this earth, and may they see your everlasting light. Amen.

Benediction
As night recedes
And the days now lengthen,
May we share the light of hope with our neighbors,
May we abide in Divine peace,
May we walk with God, our Holy Sojourner,
And may we embrace the comfort of the Spirit
Who is forever in our company and forever our refuge.  
Go in the peace of the Divine Love.  Amen.

(c) Michelle L. Torigian – free to use and adapt with attribution

Scripture from Oremus Bible Browser – NRSV

A Prayer as We Remember Our Saints

01 Friday Nov 2019

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God of Expanding Love,

Our week pauses as we remember the ones who walked with us here on earth. Our day stops as we cherish the memories of the people whose energy are forever embedded within our souls…

For the saints who let us call them grandparents. For our time together in the kitchen and wandering around garage sales, as we learned stitches from them and listened to their stories. May their talents challenge us to be our best selves.

For the saints who led us in classrooms. For their steadfast encouragement which still walks with us today. May their educating spirit uplift our souls until our last days.

For the saints who hit the clubs with us in our twenties and spent countless hours with us as we cried over broken hearts.  For the ones who sat on the phone with us as we shared our joys. May our friendship abide in eternity.

For the saints in the pews near us. For their faith which carried us when we couldn’t see the road ahead. May their songs continue to be remembered on Sunday mornings, in meeting spaces, and fellowship gatherings.

For the saints which called us their children. For their Divine-like love that comforted us when our fevers spiked or skinned knees. May we forever celebrate the peaceful moments of their love.

For our beloveds that no longer walk this earth with us. For the moments of laughter now embedded in our souls. May each tear shed and each tale told be a testament to our love shared.

If only we could hear your voice alive again…

If only we could engage in simple disagreements…

If only we could tell you how sorry we were for that one thing we did wrong in 1995…

Our hearts feel torn by the assault of grief. Our minds feel foggy from mourning’s arrival.

And yet here we are – weeks, months, years, decades removed from the last time we shared space with them. Here we are surviving. Here we are- carrying their love into tomorrow.

God of the broken-hearted, as we walk together into the future, allow us your peace which goes beyond understanding, a peace that will enrich our strength as we continue on our journeys. May the tools left behind by our saints empower us to build your kin-dom here on earth.

Amen.

Tears, Songs, and Hearing His Voice

26 Sunday May 2019

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This morning, I supercried at church – weeping like a small child.

The song was “Let There Be Peace on Earth.” Beyond the voices of the choir, I could hear the sound of my dad’s voice…

Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me…

My dad would sing the song with every fiber of his being. His (probably) tenor voice would sing each syllable with intent. As a civics teacher, a Genocide survivor’s son, and a person who believed Christianity was an active faith, the song was probably the best representation of what he believed.

Let peace begin with me, let this be the moment now…

And so, when this song is sung as it was today with the choir, every piece of my being remembered him. I remembered his articulation of faith, of his voice singing a song that was a prayer in his heart. I remembered our time sitting next to one another in church as my faith grew next to his more matured, more articulated faith.

Songs connect us with people and the past. Of moments of joy and of losses. We know what we no longer have, but we know that we’ve been given the gift of something spectacular – the holiness of song, of love, of spirit.

To take each moment, and live each moment, in peace eternally-

Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.

 

One Good Friday

16 Tuesday Apr 2019

Posted by in grief, Lent Prayers, Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

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Trigger warning: abuse

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The writing below occurred on a Good Friday over 20 years ago. I was verbally abused by a significant other during my mid-20’s. While he never physically abused me, I believe I would have left as soon as hits and shoves began. Instead, I wondered for months if what I was experiencing was verbal and emotional abuse, often convincing myself otherwise and telling myself that it would get better.

*****

From the rolling tears creeping down my cheeks
And the short breaths attempting to fill my lungs with air,
I inhale your disgust,
The grit spilling from your voice
Tastes like clouds of dust escaping from bottoms of sandals.

Our dinner the night before was a beautiful memory-
A time of quiet celebration…
But oh how the tone has changed quickly.

Even when my prayers begged for you not to betray me again, you walk back in.
Your hate-filled, dagger-edged sentiments
Came back to the room.
You weren’t finished.

Hit me, I think to myself.
I can finally come down off of the cross to which you nailed my spirit
And I can flee towards the lands of plenty
Where the God of hope and love has promised me
Milk, honey, vines drooping with grapes and nets overflowing with fish.

Hit me, I say to myself. I want to know where you stand
Instead of you driving the crown of thorns upon my sore spirit-
And removing it.  Then placing it and removing it
Again
And again
And again.

Your repeated accusations and condemnations pick apart my heart.

You might as well smack my face or whip me across the back
Or pierce my side with the dagger you kept in your bag
Because I cannot tell if I’ve done something wrong
Or if you’re thriving from my pain
And stirring
Stirring
Stirring the energy around us to kill the dreams leading me forward.

Your ‘love’ dizzies me
Like a ride on a chariot.
Your ‘love’ lifts me
Like a soldier lifting the Christ’s cross.
Your ‘love’ pierces me
Like nails driven into a body.
Such ecstasy is too much for my soul.
You’ve taken my breath – my will to breathe – away.

*****

I’m ready for my empty tomb and riding on clouds
Because my night in spiritual Sheol has captured all of my tears.

I will no longer allow you to cast your die upon my mind.
And I will shed your sins that you have showered upon my soul.

*****

As we wake for the new day
And you wash your hands of last night’s agony,
I barely feel human.

It’s Saturday.
We say goodbye.
The next time we meet face-to-face,
I’ve left the tomb.

 

Grieving the Saints

01 Thursday Nov 2018

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Death’s bite clenched my heart again this year. While the loss of my dad stings even almost 14 months after his death, I’ve had three friends pass in the last week.

The third friend died on November first: All Saints’ Day.

The thick fog of grief hovered as the new month was ushered into our lives. From the deaths of years ago to the crisp new blustery winds of grief’s winter, my heart feels deep sadness. Even when the people who die aren’t the closest of friends or relatives, often we feel off. Like a mild cold or minor infection in our bodies, something is not quite right. We aren’t crying for hours, but our minds are distracted.

This is grief too. Even when someone isn’t close, their loss impacts our world because our connection with one another is deep and eternal.

For all the saints, we give gratitude. For all the saints, we sing a bittersweet melody. For all the saints, we celebrate blissful memories.