Tag Archives: Verbal Abuse

One Good Friday

16 Tuesday Apr 2019

Posted by in grief, Lent Prayers, Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

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Trigger warning: abuse

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The writing below occurred on a Good Friday over 20 years ago. I was verbally abused by a significant other during my mid-20’s. While he never physically abused me, I believe I would have left as soon as hits and shoves began. Instead, I wondered for months if what I was experiencing was verbal and emotional abuse, often convincing myself otherwise and telling myself that it would get better.

*****

From the rolling tears creeping down my cheeks
And the short breaths attempting to fill my lungs with air,
I inhale your disgust,
The grit spilling from your voice
Tastes like clouds of dust escaping from bottoms of sandals.

Our dinner the night before was a beautiful memory-
A time of quiet celebration…
But oh how the tone has changed quickly.

Even when my prayers begged for you not to betray me again, you walk back in.
Your hate-filled, dagger-edged sentiments
Came back to the room.
You weren’t finished.

Hit me, I think to myself.
I can finally come down off of the cross to which you nailed my spirit
And I can flee towards the lands of plenty
Where the God of hope and love has promised me
Milk, honey, vines drooping with grapes and nets overflowing with fish.

Hit me, I say to myself. I want to know where you stand
Instead of you driving the crown of thorns upon my sore spirit-
And removing it.  Then placing it and removing it
Again
And again
And again.

Your repeated accusations and condemnations pick apart my heart.

You might as well smack my face or whip me across the back
Or pierce my side with the dagger you kept in your bag
Because I cannot tell if I’ve done something wrong
Or if you’re thriving from my pain
And stirring
Stirring
Stirring the energy around us to kill the dreams leading me forward.

Your ‘love’ dizzies me
Like a ride on a chariot.
Your ‘love’ lifts me
Like a soldier lifting the Christ’s cross.
Your ‘love’ pierces me
Like nails driven into a body.
Such ecstasy is too much for my soul.
You’ve taken my breath – my will to breathe – away.

*****

I’m ready for my empty tomb and riding on clouds
Because my night in spiritual Sheol has captured all of my tears.

I will no longer allow you to cast your die upon my mind.
And I will shed your sins that you have showered upon my soul.

*****

As we wake for the new day
And you wash your hands of last night’s agony,
I barely feel human.

It’s Saturday.
We say goodbye.
The next time we meet face-to-face,
I’ve left the tomb.

 

Single in the Sanctuary: Walking Away

02 Monday May 2016

Posted by in Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

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imageYesterday marked the 18th anniversary of ending a very unhealthy relationship.  I had just turned 25 years old.

This former relationship was toxic, verbally abusive and robbed my soul of its joy.  I thought I could change him.  I thought it was me that was causing the issue.  I tried to better myself as much as I could for him, but all of it wasn’t enough.

About every other night while dating him, I could tell he was drinking, and on those nights he would tell me everything I was doing wrong.  He became a different person on those nights.

I could not stop him from drinking or from the result of alcohol in his system: ugly words being tossed at me and accusatory statements being hurled my way.

After being degraded to small pieces within this relationship, I felt like nothing.  I wasn’t sure who would want me because he told me repeatedly that he was the best guy with whom I would ever date.  I had been worn down.

Of course, all of us have faults within a relationship.  But when verbal abuse is present, our agency to better the relationship is limited.  Whatever that is holy within any type of abusive relationship no longer exists.

My greatest fault was that I couldn’t convince myself to walk away sooner.  I couldn’t focus on the value of my own heart and soul and being.

I haven’t written much about it in detail.  As time goes on I will write in detail how my mom had to comfort me on mornings when my eyes were puffy from crying the night before.  I will write in detail how my sister used to tell me that this was an abusive relationship – even though I wasn’t being hit.  And I will write in detail how there was a small piece of me that wished he would hit me so I knew definitely that it was a toxic relationship.

Walking away was hard at the time.  But now I can’t see how I could have stayed so long where I was not truly loved and appreciated.

A Prayer for Those Facing Unhealthy Relationships

29 Thursday Oct 2015

Posted by in Current Events, Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

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Image from dccadv.org

Written in honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month

God of Wholeness,
Who intended the two souls in Eden to be respectful of one another,
Remind us of whose image we are made.

Yours.

Those surrounding us may be reflecting on their relationships,
Tired of being called stupid or lazy or not-good-enough,
Words that sting as much as, if not more than, the slap of a hand.
Berated for stepping just a little out of order,
Exhausted from the hours of tears,
Wondering how much love they need to give in order to be respected.

Give them the courage.  Give them the peace.

Those who we pass on the street may have marks on their body
From being grabbed a little too tightly
Or pushed a little too hard.

“What should I do???” resonates in their minds
As they ponder reaching out for help
And, at the same time, justify why they are still in a relationship:
Children, money, no other options of love.

Give them the courage.  Give them the peace.

Hours upon hours of pondering inside of heads…
But I love him.  But I love her.
But what if no one wants me.
What if he is the only one who wants me?
What if she is the only one who wants me?

Give them the courage.  Give them the peace.

Whether they depart from an unhealthy relationship in their teens
Or twenties or thirties
Or sometime around retirement,
Grant that they can see a future with hope.

God of pure love and deepest mercy,
Give all the courage to move forward when sliding back seems more comfortable.
Stop replays of the message that we are not lovable.
Make the months of solitude more bearable.
Take away any doubts of the healthy choices made.
And when the time is right,
Open our hearts to a joyful, healthy love once again.