Tag Archives: Pastoral Care

Remembering the Newly Single – Single in the Sanctuary

14 Wednesday Feb 2018

Posted by in grief, Holidays, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

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pexels-photo-327131 (1)

It occurred to me a couple of days ago that this would be the first Valentine’s Day without my dad.  While that makes little impact on my life, it does, however mean that my mom is without a partner for the first time in about 48 years.

I’m not exactly sure how my mom is feeling today, nor do I want to assume those feelings or explore what traditions she may be missing.  But since it’s been less than six months since the death of my dad, a day like Valentine’s Day has the potential to stir up feelings in people who have recently lost their significant other.

And she is not alone in this life transition.

In our groups of friends as well as the people in our congregations, there are always people changing relationship status – and sometimes not for the better.  Our neighbors are experiencing breakups, divorces and losing spouses to death.  When a relationship has made a huge impact on a life (whether the team was married or not), there remains a large hole in the lives of those who are grieving.  Valentine’s Day can be another sharp and blazing reminder to this recent loss.

With all of this being said, it’s also our job as the Body of Christ to be present in the ashes of people who have been single for years – especially friends who do not enjoy their singlehood status.  Every year when Valentine’s Day rolls around, the aches of singlehood intensify, leaving them to wonder what is next.

Whether someone has recently lost someone or has been single for years, there is one less person to bring them flowers, candy or a nice fancy dinner.

So this is the challenge to the church: how will we be there for our single siblings in faith today?  How can we recognize that new losses could be extremely uncomfortable on a day like Valentine’s Day?  How can we deliver to them a bit of love – especially when delivery trucks will not be coming by their homes today?

A Prayer for the Newly Single on Valentine’s Day
Divine One whose son showed us how to love,
On this day filled with sparkles and glitter,
Help us to remember our siblings who sit in the ashes of relationships.
May those of us in romantic bliss exit our bubbles for a little while
To show love to those abiding solo among us.
May their hearts feel full and complete today.
May they see a love that fulfills them.
If their hearts yearn for their own partners,
May they find the one who will love them as they are
And may their future Valentine’s Days be ones of joy.
Amen.

 

 

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Into the Wilderness Once Again

28 Tuesday Feb 2017

Posted by in Health, Life, Pop

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18304958986_4d0dd2e448_k-2In recent weeks, I had an endometriosis flare-up.

Those of us who have struggled with this particular illness find ourselves in great pain. I’m the type of person who thinks I know fairly well how to deal with this particular type pain and work through it.  With Advil and ice packs as my best friends, I continued to place work as a top priority and kept moving forward the best I could.

But just like the rest of humans on this earth, I am given finite energy.  Unfortunately, all of the friend-time outside of work as well extracurricular activities in which I would like to participate take a back seat as I only had energy to give to work and healing while tending to my flare.

While sometimes ice and Advil are enough to get over flares, this time it wasn’t sufficient.  The pain increased to pretty much all day, every day.

Growing disappointment filled my heart with shadows, and I realized I was back in the wilderness that I had experienced a couple of times before.

I resigned myself to the next steps of what was necessary to remedy the issue.  After weeks of intense pain and having a minimal life outside of work, I escalated the matter and scheduled another surgery.  Thinking about an upcoming surgery distracted my mind.  Will I get sick after the procedure?  Will there be any complications?  Will I have similar challenges as my other two laparoscopic procedures (which I had in 2003 and 2013)?

Once I had the operation, I was required to rest for at least a week.  Granted, the first couple of days I slept quite a bit and didn’t feel once ounce of guilt.  Then the third and fourth and fifth days hit. My spirit yearned to get up and go but my flesh was still weak and healing.  The contradictory nature of my body and soul made me feel guilty.  I should be doing more, I would think to myself.  But my body is human, and patience and grace is something of which I needed to remind myself as I healed.

My recent time in exile reminded me how much I hate hate hate the wilderness – the time in which all of us must face and even admit our fragility and weaknesses.  Lying on the couch and in bed stirred me to wish even more that I was perfect in body, mind, and soul.  Knowing that friends were able to live full lives while I rested in bed frustrated my extroverted spirit.

And yes – I was tempted to get up and do more.  I was tempted to become tough on myself for being in the wilderness again.

But everyone ends up in the wilderness every once in a while, I tried to remind myself.  Even Jesus, the one who was considered sinless or perfect by some, found himself in exile.

I am grateful that every first Sunday in Lent, the Gospel reading is always Jesus heading into the wilderness.  Granted, the story sounds a bit different in Matthew, Mark, and Luke.  But hearing about Jesus’ challenges in the wilderness gives us strength.  It helps to know that Jesus was in the wilderness like all of us have been at various times in our lives.  Besides the day of his death, Jesus’ time in the wilderness was some of his most challenging life moments.  And hearing the story over and over and seeing someone come out of the wilderness with a few additional emotional scars but stronger than ever soothes our hurting souls.

So that’s why I write about my times in the wilderness and speak about my endometriosis: our exile stories need to be told and heard.  Even if your life challenges and your wilderness is different than mine, maybe we all won’t feel so alone.  Maybe someone will feel that you can get through the pain.  Maybe someone will schedule the surgery they’ve put off for months now even if you’re afraid.  Maybe someone will leap into a new adventure in life after feeling stuck for months.  Or maybe we will all remind ourselves to embody grace and patience so that our time in exile is more bearable.

I’ll be back to my normal self in a matter of days.  And just like everyone else – I’m sure I haven’t seen the last of my time in the wilderness.  I’ll find myself back there a few more years down the road.  But if we all keep talking about our times in the exile and encourage and comfort one another in our times of trial, then we will find our strength and resilience and move into a future with hope.

 

The Glorious Exhaustion of Pastoral Care

15 Monday Jun 2015

Posted by in Church Life, Current Events, Life, Pop

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Jesus Goes Up Alone onto a Mountain to Pray James Tissot [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

There is nothing greater and, simultaneously, more draining than being in the midst of the squalls of grief that we encounter as clergy.

Recently, we had a few deaths in our congregation.  I loved the people who passed away as I had gotten to know each one of them.  Each death wasn’t sudden but, rather, an intense time of fading away for the dying and their families.

Being that pastoral care is probably in my top three to five passions for ministry, I try as much as I can to spend as much time as possible with the congregant ready to pass and their families.  If I can and they are awake, I bring communion to them one last time.  I’ll pray the “time of dying” litany in the Book of Worship with them and their kin.  Each time I visit them during those last days, I see them moving farther and farther from our world, drifting closer to that side of heaven.

These are some of the most sacred moments I’ve ever experienced.  God is visible as I watch their loved ones stroke their hands and kiss their heads a few final times.  Quite often, it takes everything I have to hold back the tears that are ready to gush forward from my eyes.

As pastors, we want to be as invested as possible in the lives of our congregants.  This means that the remaining hours in our day are weakened by our sapped souls.

Desks seem to pile up with papers and various other items.  Writing slows down.  Blog posts get place on the back burner.  (Usually writing is a energy-generating activity.  This particular season, I was even too tired to engage in writing.)  Maybe I forget a detail or two – names, dates, etc.  A steady stream of binge-watching Netflix becomes the norm because our minds are completely spent from our work.  Naps become the new norm.  Even though I’m an extrovert, I want more alone time to recharge.

Why am I so tired??? I would ask myself.  But I knew I was giving everything I had to my calling and knew I was exactly where God needed me to be.  I was giving life 100% of myself.  The grace of God would have to cover the rest.

Like I said, I feel incredibly blessed to be present for others in the midst of life’s messy moments.  But what I will overlook on occasion is that my self care needs to improve as I’m caring for other people.

As they say on the airplanes, place the oxygen mask on yourself before placing it on the person next to you.  If we’re not breathing, we are no good to anyone else.

Overall, I think I do well with self care.  And I know every great once-in-a-while, a rush of intense pastoral care comes into every pastor and every congregation’s life, and everything gets thrown off balance a bit.  I am blessed to have the example of Jesus, who made sure to get away to pray and rest.  But even with Jesus as model, it takes much for us to regain our spiritual equilibrium after spending our soul reserves quite quickly.

For those of you reading this who are not members of the clergy, at some point you will most likely become a caregiver.  The same rules apply.  Care for yourself as needed so that you can continue to care for your loved one.  Make sure to place the metaphorical oxygen mask on your face before placing one upon the person or persons for which you care.

Through the grace of God, the love of Christ, the energy of the Holy Spirit… and some Netflix binge-watching… spirits will revive once again.

Proper Pastoral Care and Limiting Laws: the UCC and North Carolina

29 Tuesday Apr 2014

Posted by in Church Life, Current Events, Life, Pop, Pop Culture, Religion

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IMG_2866Let me introduce myself…

I am a straight ally who left one denomination for the United Church of Christ (UCC) because of the marriage equality issue. Back in 2005, before I entered the ministry, I felt that I would be a stronger pastor and better reflect God’s light on the world by publicly supporting gay marriage and LGBT ordination. If I had to continue to bite my tongue every time someone asked me what I thought of gay marriage, I could not be an authentic person of faith. In leaving one denomination, I discovered that the United Church of Christ was a denomination who widely opened their arms to people of all sexual orientations and gender expressions and those of us who supported our friends.

In writing this post, I acknowledge that some of you reading this will not agree with my position on gay marriage. In fact, you may be a member of a United Church of Christ and still believe that a marriage is between one man and one woman. (Yes – we have many in our denomination who still believe in this view of marriage. The UCC is filled with people with a variety of perspectives. Being in covenant with one another, we worship God together even if we disagree.)

And then you read that the UCC has filed a lawsuit against the state of North Carolina. What does this mean? Here’s what it could mean to a pastor: with the state’s current law on marriage, a member of the clergy could face jail time if they were to perform a wedding ceremony without filing a certificate for marriage. The clergy member would have to hold back their belief on marriage and religion based on what the state is dictating. Technically, a law like this could open doors which would limit other rituals or care that a pastor deems spiritually necessary.

Think of it this way…

What if there was a law that said that I as your pastor could only do hospital visits Monday through Friday? What if I couldn’t visit you in the hospital as you lay dying on a Saturday? What if you couldn’t have the peace of a pastoral presence in your final few hours because the law told me otherwise?

What if there were laws restricting churches to baptizing people over the age of 12? No child is allowed to be baptized for any reason – including children who may be in hospice care.

What if there was a law that said only men could be ordained? If a church were to hold an ordination ceremony for a woman, those involved would go to prison for two to three months.

What if an elderly man and woman wanted to have a marriage ceremony before God and their families but did not want a legal ceremony in order to protect their estates?

What if your beloved pet dies, and you yearn for closure. However, there was a law in your state that only allowed for humans to have funerals. Any funeral-like ritual that would be held for a pet would be considered illegal, and I could be arrested for giving you the best care possible.

I do not want to be told that I can’t or that I must perform a certain ritual that would bring peace to your lives.

By filing this lawsuit, the United Church of Christ is still not indicating that all members agree or must agree with marriage equality. We will never be a denomination that forces our members or churches to agree on an issue. Instead, I defer to this statement by the Indiana-Kentucky Conference of the United Church of Christ:

For us, as one of the founding religious traditions of this nation, the principle of free exercise of religion is a paramount value. Because we are not a hierarchical church, the freedom of every clergyperson to conduct the rites and sacraments of the Church according to the dictates of conscience is essential to our identity and our faith practice.

The church is protecting our autonomy as individuals and churches within the covenant of our denomination. Through this lawsuit, they are advocating on behalf of your religious freedom. And they are advocating for my religious freedom too. They care about your relationship to God, and they do not want your pastor to have government-forced limitations in the way they give pastoral care. Donald Clark Jr., general counsel of the UCC expressed “We didn’t bring this lawsuit to make others conform to our beliefs, but to vindicate the right of all faiths to freely exercise their religious practices.”

I’m not sure about all of you, but I deeply want to practice my faith based on my relationship with God.

This lawsuit will never force you to believe in marriage equality. It will not force a pastor to perform a same-sex wedding. It won’t force you to love your neighbor who happens to be gay – no matter how much Jesus loves them. You do not have to go to the wedding or even wish them congratulations. The only thing a ruling in favor of this lawsuit will do is continue to protect all of our freedoms so that we may practice our faith as we see fit.

Granted, rituals that hurt another person or oneself (physically, emotionally, spiritually) should continue to be restricted. But a ceremony that includes two people freely making a covenant with one another and presided by an officiant who freely believes in the ritual hurts no one. It is not taking the rights away from anyone else. It’s bringing peace and love into the hearts of the couple and those who are actively part of their lives. I truly believe it spreads more love into our communities.

With this lawsuit, the United Church of Christ still does not talk on behalf of the churches. Instead, the denomination talks to the churches, offering another way of looking faith and expanding the way Christ moves in our world.

What bubbles up…

12 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by in Pop, Pop Culture, Television

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Grey’s Anatomy – Episode “Beautiful Doom”

“What bubbles up?”  That’s what our pastoral care teacher would ask us when diving into a case study.  It was expected that we would experience some rogue feeling from our past while ministering in the present.

So when watching Meredith Grey on last week’s Grey’s Anatomy, all I kept wanting to say to her was “Something’s bubbling up Meredith… Ok, Meredith, step away from the patient… Meredith, your sister’s death is clouding your mind… Meredith, should you really be in the OR?”

In the season finale last May, Meredith’s sister, Lexie, succumbed to her fatal injuries from a plane crash.  Since the episode, it seemed as though Meredith continued to delay her grief.  Feelings had been pushed further and further down into her soul.  Her residual anger that seeped out of her mouth was aimed at the new interns.

This week, Meredith’s feelings finally bubbled to the surface when she tended to a young girl pinned under a car.  Her mind raced back to her sister.  She denied her feelings to Dr. Weber and continued treating the young woman.  Yet, Meredith’s judgment was teetering on the brink of dangerous.  Fortunately for Meredith, she was able to stay away from the cliff of murky judgment and save the life of the young woman.

Ah.  Fiction.  If only we could keep our past feelings under lock and key when it is convenient.

You see, for the rest of us, we aren’t always as lucky.  Any time we listen to someone speak of a similar traumatic experience, feelings of our terrifying past has the potential to “bubble up” and cloud our thoughts.  Decisions we make and advice we give can be based out of our fears and anxieties rather than lucid thought.  Our friends, families, strangers, etc. may take our advice based on our flawed judgments.

It’s in my firm belief that God understands that feelings bubble up during our new experiences.  As God is in our previous pain with us, God is calling us to new ways of healing.  This could be counseling/therapy to understand why feelings continuously “bubble up.”  God is opening our eyes to the triggers that cause us to revert to yesterday’s feelings.  And God is call us to differentiate between our past pains and our present experiences.

We shouldn’t be afraid to ask ourselves “what bubbles up for me?”  By doing so, others may avoid our faulty advice, and we may understand ourselves and transform in ways we never believed we could.