Tag Archives: Single

Single in the Sanctuary: Walking Away

02 Monday May 2016

Posted by in Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , ,

imageYesterday marked the 18th anniversary of ending a very unhealthy relationship.  I had just turned 25 years old.

This former relationship was toxic, verbally abusive and robbed my soul of its joy.  I thought I could change him.  I thought it was me that was causing the issue.  I tried to better myself as much as I could for him, but all of it wasn’t enough.

About every other night while dating him, I could tell he was drinking, and on those nights he would tell me everything I was doing wrong.  He became a different person on those nights.

I could not stop him from drinking or from the result of alcohol in his system: ugly words being tossed at me and accusatory statements being hurled my way.

After being degraded to small pieces within this relationship, I felt like nothing.  I wasn’t sure who would want me because he told me repeatedly that he was the best guy with whom I would ever date.  I had been worn down.

Of course, all of us have faults within a relationship.  But when verbal abuse is present, our agency to better the relationship is limited.  Whatever that is holy within any type of abusive relationship no longer exists.

My greatest fault was that I couldn’t convince myself to walk away sooner.  I couldn’t focus on the value of my own heart and soul and being.

I haven’t written much about it in detail.  As time goes on I will write in detail how my mom had to comfort me on mornings when my eyes were puffy from crying the night before.  I will write in detail how my sister used to tell me that this was an abusive relationship – even though I wasn’t being hit.  And I will write in detail how there was a small piece of me that wished he would hit me so I knew definitely that it was a toxic relationship.

Walking away was hard at the time.  But now I can’t see how I could have stayed so long where I was not truly loved and appreciated.

Single in the Sanctuary: To My Never-Existed 18-Year-Old

28 Thursday Apr 2016

Posted by in Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

merrygoround2When I was young, I thought I was going to have children.  I thought I was going to have my first child at 25 after getting married at 22.  I was so sure that this was the way that my life was going to turn out.

For years I wanted to have children.  And then something changed.  Maybe it was turning 40 before meeting an appropriate significant other.  Maybe it was enjoying my child-free life the way it was.  Maybe it was meeting someone who I could see spending time with as a couple… not a family.

As I see my friends’ children growing more and more as each year passes, I think to myself “there is no way that I could be a mom of a child of this age.”

And then it hit me: if I would have had my child when I planned on having one, I would have an 18-year-old now as I am now 43.

I would see her or him graduating high school and making decisions on where they would go for college.  I would see them getting ready for their senior prom.  I may be facing the beginning of empty-nest syndrome.  I’d be warning him or her about the dangers of drinking too much, setting your drink down at a bar or party, making sure to call when they got to where they were going and reminding them to be safe when it came to sex and driving.

I would think about how quickly those childhood years went and hoped it would have gone more slowly.  And a small part of me would be relieved that they were finally an adult and I could begin the next chapter of my life.

Instead, I don’t have any of this.  Do I wish I would have had these experiences?  Maybe?  Probably?  Do I feel sad that it never happened?  Not too often at all.

Will I regret the way my life turned out?  Probably not regarding children.  Occasionally, twinges of wonder rattle my soul.  And occasionally the musing that I may have missed something sacred.  But I’ve found mothering moments.  I’ve given birth to dreams.

And I look forward to watching my dreams grow from their infantile stage into mature realities.

 

Single in the Sanctuary: Blue Easter

22 Tuesday Mar 2016

Posted by in Church Life, Holidays, Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

easter lily2In 2008, I attended Easter morning worship with my mom and dad at a progressive United Church of Christ congregation in the greater St. Louis area.  The sermon was engaging.  The music was magnificent.  Everything about this Easter morning worship was spiritually meaningful.

But I was distracted… and distraught.

Family three rows up.  Family six rows up.  Family in the second from the front row on the other side of the sanctuary and two rows behind me too.  People of approximately my age sitting throughout the church with their spouse and their two or three small children.

And here I was… nearly 35 years old and sitting with my parents on Easter morning sans husband or children.  Even though I was with my lovely parents, I had never felt more alone.  At no point that morning did I feel anyone made me feel bad about being single or childless.  While some people at some congregations may stereotype people in my situation, I absolutely didn’t feel as if people were looking down upon me.

But I was looking down upon myself.  What’s wrong with me?  I would wonder over and over again to myself. Of course, when we are emotionally raw for any reason, it’s easy to place blame upon ourselves.  Life and love hadn’t happened in the way I wanted it to by the age of 35.  It was as simple as that.

Nonetheless, my feelings were very real that morning.  And they threw me for a loop.

Between 2008 and the time I met my boyfriend, I began to make some peace with this singleness in the sanctuary.  But it never became 100% easy, and Easter morning just happens to be one of those times I wonder if I missed out a little by not having children.  Bubbling youth bring about a certain energy into families and congregations, and even those of us who are 85% sure we are fine with not having children get a little emotional when surrounded by what we once wanted.

Which makes me wonder: How can we truly experience the resurrection if we are so distracted by what we don’t have, what we haven’t accomplished and in what ways we don’t fit with our congregations?

Easter morning may be a time when we hope that God will lead us to new life, new possibilities and fresh beginnings.  But there could be people in our congregations that feel like an odd person because they believe their marital status or family structure stands out from the crowd.  They may feel alone even though people surround them in the sanctuary.

Bless them with a greeting, with the peace of Christ, if you see them sitting alone.  Bless them with an request to sit with you as they may feel just a little less alone.  Bless them with an invitation to lunch or coffee hour.

The sealed tomb in which they find themselves in may start to crack open as beams of light begin to find their way beyond the shadows.

Single in the Sanctuary: The Last Single Girl

07 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by in Church Life, Life, Movies, Pop, Pop Culture, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

In the 2008 Sex and the City movie, Carrie Bradshaw, 40 years old, gets engaged to longtime love Mr. Big.  The editors at Vogue offer to photograph her in various wedding dresses.  Enid, her editor at Vogue, tells her that the feature will be called “The Last Single Girl.”

“Well, I’m hardly the last single girl,” Carrie exclaims.

Editor Enid replies “No, but 40 is the last age a woman can be photographed in a wedding gown without the unintended Diane Arbus subtext.”

Is Enid implying that the last age a woman is able to wear in a fluffy, tulle-skirted wedding dress is at 40?    Should brides mute their celebratory looks for something more matronly?

And what if we’re not even close to being ready to getting married?  What if we’re over 40 and there’s no proposals on the horizon?  Should we just erase any current Pinterest hopeful board of wedding dresses and begin a new one entitled “the older bride”?

older bride

(By the way… this is what a screenshot of an “older bride” search looks like on Pinterest.  It looks quite Vogue-worthy to me.  And none of these women look like “Old Maids” or “Last Single Girls.”)

So…Does Any of This Matter?

Let’s step away from weddings because I’m sure many of us reading this aren’t ready to get married in the immediate future.  We wonder if society thinks that single women over 40 have transition themselves from vibrant young women to “Old Maids”.  We often inappropriately believe ourselves a rare breed because we didn’t conform to society’s limited expectations and marry before 40.

Yes, there have been times when I feel like I’m the LAST SINGLE GIRL – especially before I met my current boyfriend.  I celebrated my 40th birthday dateless, surrounded by fabulous friends, and filled with a spirit that was well-younger than 40.

Phone Sept 2014 025

See… This is not a girl who was ready to move into the Old Maid category.  

I do look at the lives of my friends, and I’m definitely one of the few never-married single girls.  To see and embrace yourself as one of the LAST SINGLE GIRLS is a difficult realization.  Maybe you’ll think to yourself “When did this happen?  What did I do to arrive at this place now that I’m over 40?”

And, if you’re anything like me, you may look around most churches you’ve attended and feel like the LAST SINGLE GIRL in the church and most contexts in your life… most of the time at least.

I imagine that there will be some of you reading this who feel like the LAST SINGLE GIRL in the world, in the church, in their group of friends and in their families.

It goes without saying… in reality, you are not the LAST SINGLE GIRL.  Hardly!  We are out there in steady numbers!  We are no longer old maids.  We are no longer alone.  We are valid just attempting to live life as fully as possible.  No one is worth any less because of their marital status.

As a clergy member and person who often writes about being a single progressive Christian, I will meet people who have never been married or married around 40 or later.   There are people in our churches who are single of all ages – from 22 to 40 to 65.  And each person is where they are right now for better or worse.   They tell me their stories of meeting their spouse a little later down the road and the bliss of finding a healthy relationship when the time – and their lives – were just right.

It’s not our job as churches to segregate THE LAST SINGLE GIRLS from the rest of our church.  But it’s our job to walk along side of people to bring them comfort in their current status.  It’s our responsibility to integrate them into church life, worship and activities.  And it’s our call to hope with our unmarried sisters and brothers if they yearn to meet a partner in the future.

*****

In the near future, it’s my intention to read the book All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation  by Rebecca Traister.  For more reflections based on the book and how it may impact the way communities of faith relate to unmarried persons, follow me here at michelletorigian.com.

In the meantime, join the conversation on being unmarried and a progressive Christian here.

Single in the Sanctuary: Joining Together

03 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by in Church Life, Pop, Religion, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , ,

7368485794_bb638310ec_bRecently, I began a group for single, divorced, separated, widowed, non-married coupled persons and friends (yes, even married ones!) to come together in conversation to talk about concerns that they may be going through.  I named this group
Single in the Sanctuary: Unmarried Progressive Christians & Friends.

Through various conversations both before and after this group was created, I noticed how people had various negative and positive experiences being in churches as non-married individuals.

Because the institutions have changed greatly since the mid-twentieth century, families look different, churches look different and society has different focuses.  This is the time for us to have these conversations on how the church can better serve people of ALL marital statuses and family structures.

I think a great spot for the conversation to begin to take place is with these questions:

What does it mean to be unmarried in an institution that focuses on families?
In what ways have you felt part of the community even though you are single?
In what ways have you felt lonely or excluded in a church because you have never been or are no longer married?

Would you like to be a part of this conversation?  Maybe you are no longer married, never have been married or got married later in life and have experiences to share?  Join the group here.

Single in the Sanctuary – A Prayer for the Lone Ones on Valentine’s Day

14 Sunday Feb 2016

Posted by in Current Events, Holidays, Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

God of the broken hearts And the lonely souls, On this day reserved for those “loved” Those who seem so “whole” Give us the peace of knowing we are complete.

Source: A Prayer for the Lone Ones on Valentine’s Day

Join the conversation for progressive unmarried Christians and friends at https://www.facebook.com/groups/singleinthesanctuary/

Single in the Sanctuary – When the Ashes Remain

11 Thursday Feb 2016

Posted by in Church Life, Holidays, Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

imageAsh Wednesday.  Dust donning our foreheads as we remember our frailty, our mortality, our mistakes.

But for those who have been through tough relationships in our younger days, the ashes upon our foreheads represents the residue left behind from past loves.

It’s not that we usually dwell on many memories or wish that life worked out differently with the one who is no longer in our lives.  But the matted dusty remains symbolize the tiny bits of grime left on our hearts from broken relationships.

The dust collects after someone has cheated.  Specks of dirt linger after hurtful words are hurled at us. The glowing embers of hope that once warmed us now shine no more.

Maybe we began with clean slates and pristine hearts.  Slowly over time, the fragments of dirt settled, leaving our souls just a bit more smudged.

So on Ash Wednesday, we not only remember our morality, we also remember how our spirits have been tarnished along the way.  And we remember how God can take our ashed pasts and transforms them into something that glows no matter what has happened and who hurt us.

Single in the Sanctuary – Valentine’s Day in the Church

09 Tuesday Feb 2016

Posted by in Church Life, Holidays, Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , ,

love lightOnce again this year, Valentine’s Day happens to fall on a Sunday.  Now, this shouldn’t matter because it’s the first Sunday of Lent, and it isn’t an actual church holiday.

Yet, I have a feeling that some churches will be embracing societal’s yearnings by filling each little crevice of worship with mentions of this Hallmark holiday.  From my experience, I’ve seen how churches hold couples’ dances, talk about how wonderful marriage (especially heterosexual marriage) is and fill sermons and prayers for those who have already found their lifelong love.

But I’ve sat in the pews and attended churches where marriage (heterosexual ones, at that) were considered the ideal.  There didn’t feel like there was a place for this single gal… let alone our single savior, Jesus.  I felt crushed at times and even needed to leave the sanctuary on the random Sunday when the pastor gave a message marginalizing people like me.

Part of the reason I’ve started writing the Single in the Sanctuary feature and, down the road, book is to reinforced the need to validate people of all different marital statuses in the church.  One of the most-needed days of the year for us to be sensitive to the emotions of the unmarried (especially the ones who are not content as unmarried) is Valentine’s Day.

So church leaders – as you finalize your bulletins for this Sunday, remember the following:

  • A large percentage of those in our pews are not married.  They are single, divorced, widowed and cohabitating.  And each of them need our love and validation too.  We need to acknowledge where they are in their lives today – whether they have chosen their relationship status or life just happened to them.
  • 1 Corinthians 13 is not just about romantic love; it’s about something so much greater than marriages and couples.  The love chapter is about God’s steadfast, unconditional love.  It’s a love that we are called to have for each of our neighbors – not just our significant others.  Plus, this chapter reminds us that we need to love our neighbors, friends, enemies, significant others and everyone else as if we are looking through the eyes of God.  That’s more than any romcom could ever portray… although Mark Darcy telling Bridget Jones that he loves her “just as she is” comes close.
  • Shame is a piece in relationship statuses.  Still single?  What’s wrong with you?  Cohabitating?  Why can’t you just get married?  Divorced?  Why couldn’t you make your marriage work.  Part of a gay or lesbian couple?  Doesn’t God think that’s an abomination?  Having sex outside of marriage?  You are a sinner!  These are the messages that keep circling around faith communities.  Our job as the Church is to make sure that these messages are eradicated and that shame outside of the straight nuclear message doesn’t exist.
  • Pray for all marital statuses in this church – from the newly married couple, to the couple who are having challenges, to the single person with a newly fresh broken heart, to the widower experiencing his first Valentine’s Day alone.

Finally, Jesus was single.  What we believe we know is that he was never married.  We don’t know much else about this. We may wonder if he got his heart broken or if he just never had the time to get married.  But he brought together people of all marital statuses.  And that’s what we’re called today each and every day in the church.  The church isn’t just for couples or families.  It’s for all of God’s children.

Are you a progressive non-married Christian or a friend?  Please join in this new Facebook group “Single in the Sanctuary” for conversation and support.

My Annual Midlife Crisis

29 Tuesday Dec 2015

Posted by in Holidays, Life, Movies, Pop, Pop Culture, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

watch

Last night, I was watching Noah Baumbach’s recent film While We’re Young.  A forty-something childless couple begins to hang out with a twenty-something, spontaneous, energetic couple.  Being influenced by the junior husband and wife, the elder couple (which, of course, is only a year or two older than I am today) starts to change their activities to revive their aging lives.  Without giving much of the plot away, their new lifestyle finds its expiration date, naturally.

In the ebb and flow to life, the two Gen-Xers eventually face the missing elements of their lives with honesty.  Josh (Ben Stiller) says to Cornelia (Naomi Watts), “I’m 44 and there are things I will never do.  Things I won’t have.”

Josh’s words ring true to many of us who have crossed the threshold into our early middle-age years.  We begin to take inventory of what we’ve attained and what we haven’t.  We stop running from the mirror which indicates our current lives and our actual ages.

And, for the first time, we admit that there will be things that we’ll never do or have.

Each year, in the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day, I take stock of what I’ve accomplished in the past year as well as the mistakes I’ve made.  I try to offer myself some grace as I confront shortcomings.  But mostly I sit with the melancholy of not having certain things in my life and the achievements that I haven’t yet grasped.

Admittedly, there are always tears in the week between Christmas and New Year’s.

I’m 42 years old.  As much as I’m 19 years old in my heart, I’m a middle-aged woman.  There are some things I will never do and never have.  At this point, I probably won’t have a child and definitely won’t give birth to one.  I’ll never win any major awards, run a marathon, skydive (totally fine with that one) or become a US president, senator or congresswoman.  I won’t be a millionaire or a physician.  I’m ready to leave some of those possibilities behind, and others may take a while to toss aside.

But as I look ahead, there still is life.  I still have the chance to walk a marathon, write a book, influence lives and advocate for the voiceless.  I will sit with people as their life slows down.  I’ll meet new people and speak my truth in new ways. Life may not yet be quite half-over for me, so some of the things I dreamed about are still possible.  And while my body doesn’t look or work the same way it did 10 or 20 years ago, my mind continues to grow and my confidence blooms.

What 2016 will bring – I’m not sure.  But as my body ages and the expected aches begin to intensify and multiply, my vigorous mind and soul will continue to listen for God’s relentless call for my life.

Single in the Sanctuary – Holiday Hospitality

28 Wednesday Oct 2015

Posted by in Holidays, Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

Being away from your family during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays is horrible.  Being single on top of this is even worse.

I’ve spent many holidays away from my family.  The first Christmas was the toughest.  I was 23 years old, living in Florida by myself and had a number of invitations to join other family units that day.  And while I did spend some of the day with others, I managed to get one of the worst headaches of my life, no doubt from the stress of being alone on Christmas day.

Fortunately over the years, I believe that God has provided me with people whom I celebrated these major holidays.  From hanging with a pastor’s family at Busch Gardens in 2001 to spending Thanksgiving with an ex-boyfriend and his parents in 2005, I’ve had some interesting opportunities, conversations and company while absent from my family.  Days were less lonely because there were others willing to open their homes to me even though I wasn’t part of their family.

As a single person, especially when I lived in Florida, I would often be given the gift of sitting at the table with other families.  This is a gift I hope I am able to pay back as the years progress.  Through friends’ open doors and plentiful tables, I was able to feel less alone when my family lived 1,000 miles away.

I think most of us do a phenomenal job with making sure those who are hungry are fed.  But what would it be like to not only feed those who are hungry but open a table to those who have no one in their lives?

Can you think of friends who may not have families in which to spend the holidays?  How can we invite them to be our family for part of the day?  That’s our responsibility as people of faith and as people with the gift of family.  We are called to open ourselves up to those who may be alone on holidays and special occasions to be an honorary part of our families.  Just like Jesus asked his followers “who is my mother and who are my brothers,” we are to expand our families to include others into our fold.  Many of his followers had to rely on the generosity of others while on their ministry journey.  How can we be like the families who opened their houses to Jesus and the early disciples and make sure they become parts of our families, even for a day or season?

What will you do this Thanksgiving or Christmas to make sure the widow, orphan, single guy or gal, newly divorced person or individual away from their family to make sure they are at your table too?

Me. Christmas 1998 in Florida at the age of 25. Sans family.

Me. Christmas 1998 in Florida at the age of 25. Sans family.