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Michelle L. Torigian

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Michelle L. Torigian

Tag Archives: Ash Wednesday

A Less Fatalistic Ash Wednesday

02 Wednesday Mar 2022

Posted by mictori in Church Life, Lent Prayers

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anxiety, Ash Wednesday, COVID-19, Endometriosis, Fear of death, Lent, Pandemic, progressive Christianity, Ukraine, war

Today happened to be another Ash Wednesday in which I was home-bound on medical leave.

Once again, like in the past, I was dealing with endometriosis. The pain was increasing even though I was menopausal, and the hysterectomy proved that there was a lot of rogue endometrial tissue in my pelvic region. I’m on medical leave and not able to lead worship as I take time to heal.

Which brings me to this year’s Ash Wednesday. After two weeks of lying in bed, doom-scrolling news about the invasion of Ukraine and heightened nuclear alert in our world, the worst thing right now is to remind someone who is deathly afraid of death that she will die. (Obviously, there are many dying in Ukraine from this senseless war- and something for us to discuss another day.) I worried about what could go wrong prior to the surgery (as always), and I dealt with two years of pandemic concerns. The last thing I want to hear through sacred liturgy is that I’m going to die.

I know this with every fiber of my being. My anxiety reminds me each day that death could be imminent.

So for this year, I work to establish a different relationship with the ashes.

First of all, everything is fleeting. And this should include my worries. My concerns should be no more than the weight of the ashes which could easily be blown away by the wind. Easier said than done, but it’s worth the effort.

Secondly, as I begin Kate Bowler’s Good Enough devotional book, I’m reminded of my imperfections. The ashes remind me of an imperfect self and the need to embrace a self that works to try her best rather than attain the impossible.

I refuse to rid myself of Ash Wednesday. But the day was not always ours to dwell on death but focus on what continues to be the greatest priorities while we are alive: loving one another as Christ loved us; doing justice, loving kindness, and walking humbly with God.

And today my focus won’t be nuclear war, health issues, or pandemics, but my growing relationship with God.

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Ash Wednesday and Human Fragility

02 Thursday Mar 2017

Posted by mictori in Church Life, Current Events, Health, Pop

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Ash Wednesday, ashes, Clergy, clergy self-care, dust, Endometriosis, endometriosis awareness month, endoperson, Endosisters, fragility, Grace, Healing, laparoscopy, mortality, post laparoscopy, post-laparoscopy reflection, progressive Christianity, recovery, self-care, stage 2

imageToday, I was reminded of my fragility.

It didn’t happen at an Ash Wednesday service.  I wish I could have led one today, immersing my thumb in oil and ashes, looking into the eyes of fellow humans, and reminding them that we come from dust and we will head back there again later in our lives.

Instead, I got my own Ash Wednesday lesson in the form of pain, shots, and a nod to my human frailness from a nurse practitioner.

As I’ve mentioned on this blog a few times recently, I had surgery for my endometriosis.  While I was expecting the recover to go much like it did last time (SWIFT!), unfortunately, the amount of endometriosis and adhesions were greater so more tissue needed to be removed.  That usually means that recovery will reflect the heightened intensity of my endometriosis and what needed to be done during the surgery.

I didn’t return to work on Tuesday.  The pain was bad.  I had a low-grade fever.  And because of all of the discomfort, I met with the nurse practitioner in at the doctor’s office.  Tarodol shot #1 happend on Tuesday, but it didn’t help much.

Sleep was restless, but I was going to be a delusional hero and push through.  Even as late as Wednesday morning, I was intending to go to the Ash Wednesday service.  Earlier in the day, I was still in pain, having problems sleeping and then needing to sleep.  I called back into the doctor for a third day in a row.  They urged me to come back in for my second Tarodol shot in two days for the pain.

While in the office, I saw the nurse practitioner.  Reflecting on our conversation from Tuesday, she noted that I needed to take the extra time to rest.  “For the first surgery, taking one week off to recover makes sense.  For your twenty-fifth surgery (she meant third), you need a couple of weeks.”

Noooooooooooooo!

Laparoscopic surgeries for endometriosis aren’t like knee or shoulder surgeries.  You don’t have wraps or slings or crutches.  Under my shirts and comfy stretch drawstring pants are three fresh scars.  That’s all I see, and others don’t see any of that.  So I don’t look that bad.  And I still don’t know what my insides looked like during the surgery.  I’ll see pictures next week.  In the meantime, I just see three healing scars.  And what I forget is that I may have healed well on the outside, but my internal cells, tissue, and organs are trying to achieve full restoration. .

I look back at my previous laparoscopic experiences.  After my first laparoscopic surgery for endometriosis at the age of 30, I had a long weekend to recover.  Thursday was the surgery, and I was back to work on Monday.  Frankly, I wasn’t ready to return to work, but I mastered the art of pushing myself even when I was sick.

For the second surgery at 39, I took a week – maybe a week and a day.  Like the first surgery, I was still stage 2 endometriosis.

This surgery at the age of 43 – We are going on one week and two days.  I’m not 30 anymore, and based on the report of many adhesions, I’m probably beyond stage 2 endometriosis (the stage diagnosed during the first two surgeries).

Thankfully, my wonderful ecumenical colleagues in ministry were able to lead the service tonight without my presence.  This came in the form of a group email giving me grace and the permission to rest.

Ash Wednesday in pain.  And so I thought to myself out loud in a Tweet:

Feeling weakness & pain as I recover from surgery are all the ashes I need to remind me of fragility & mortality. #AshWednesday

— Michelle Torigian (@mictori) March 1, 2017

My pain and my inability to live fully on Ash Wednesday were more symbolic than any ash could give me.  I’m limited.  I’m mortal.  I’m fragile.  I can’t keep going the way I normally do right now because my human body is healing.  I need help.  God knows this.  Other humans know this.

Why can’t I accept this?

Sigh.

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Single in the Sanctuary – When the Ashes Remain

11 Thursday Feb 2016

Posted by mictori in Church Life, Holidays, Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

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Ash Wednesday, broken relationships, brokenhearted, divorce, divorced, Grace, Hope, hopeless, progressive Christianity, Single, unmarried

imageAsh Wednesday.  Dust donning our foreheads as we remember our frailty, our mortality, our mistakes.

But for those who have been through tough relationships in our younger days, the ashes upon our foreheads represents the residue left behind from past loves.

It’s not that we usually dwell on many memories or wish that life worked out differently with the one who is no longer in our lives.  But the matted dusty remains symbolize the tiny bits of grime left on our hearts from broken relationships.

The dust collects after someone has cheated.  Specks of dirt linger after hurtful words are hurled at us. The glowing embers of hope that once warmed us now shine no more.

Maybe we began with clean slates and pristine hearts.  Slowly over time, the fragments of dirt settled, leaving our souls just a bit more smudged.

So on Ash Wednesday, we not only remember our morality, we also remember how our spirits have been tarnished along the way.  And we remember how God can take our ashed pasts and transforms them into something that glows no matter what has happened and who hurt us.

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A Communion Liturgy for Ash Wednesday

05 Friday Feb 2016

Posted by mictori in Church Life, Holidays, Pop

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Ash Wednesday, Communion, progressive Christian communion, progressive Christianity

communionHere is a communion liturgy I wrote for our ecumenical Ash Wednesday service this year.  Please feel free to use it and note that you saw it on michelletorigian.com.

Blessings to all as we look towards this new liturgical season.

Michelle

Invitation

One: Come, as we embark on the dawn of this new season.
Come, as we reflect upon the dusk of our lives.
Come, as we set aside our distractions and the concerns of our minds
Come, as we focus on the heart of the matter.

One: God of light and dust be with you,
All: And also with you.
One: Open wide our hearts:
All: We open them up to our God.
One: Let us give thanks to God our creator.
All: Even in the midst of the wilderness, we give God our praise.

Prayer of Communion

One: Tonight we come together to recall the magnificent common memories we have of our Christ.  We remember his servant leadership and the unconditional love he had for humankind.

Here and now, we give thanks for the steadfast love of God that we see reflected in Jesus the Christ.  We are grateful for one another and for all the saints who have come to the table throughout history and to those who will gather here after we have returned to dust.  With appreciation, we give thanks to the hands who have harvested the grapes and grains before us.  In a spirit of active thanksgiving, we commit ourselves as servants to God’s children, finding new ways of bringing justice, righteousness and love to the shadows on this earth.

May the Spirit come upon these elements.  May the Spirit fill our hearts with love, kindness and acceptance.  May the Spirit continue to aid us in our work in the world and as we cross boundaries of denominations and faith differences.  May the Spirit empower us as we walk through these 40 days in the wilderness, as we face the sadness of the crucifixion and as we wait for the Christ’s resurrection.

As Jesus continued on his journey, he could see that his time was drawing nearer.  Our Christ knew that his love and leadership would take him to the cross.  And as the final night was upon him, he drew close to his friends.  To embrace the love he had with them, he shared one last table.

Jesus embraced the bread in his weathered hands, broke it, gave it to his friends asking them to remember him.

Jesus clasped the cup containing the fruit of the vine, gave thanks one last time and asked them to remember him.

In remembering him, we speak the words together in prayer, using the words closest to your hearts saying… Our Father, who art in heaven…

(As we pray the Lord’s Prayer in unity, please use the word closest to your hearts, whether it is sins, trespasses or debts.)

The bread of life.  The cup of the new covenant.  Both given to us.  Both we partake in together as we remember our servant-leader Jesus the Christ.

Distribution of the Elements

Unison Prayer of Thanksgiving

All: Even as we come to the table tonight remembering our frailty with the dust on our heads, we also give God our thanks for this meal.  We give our gratitude that we have come together as one Body of Christ.  In these next 40 days and as we walk the road to the crucifixion, continue to keep us awake to the ways we can bring Jesus the Christ’s servant-leadership to our world.  Amen.

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Thriving in My Weakness: Breaking the Silence This Ash Wednesday

18 Wednesday Feb 2015

Posted by mictori in Church Life, Current Events, Holidays, Life, Religion

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

2 Corinthians 12, anxiety disorder, Ash Wednesday, ashes, childhood anxiety disorder, childhood mental health, demons, dust, Mary Magdalene, Mental health, Panic disorder, power in our weakness

ash headLast summer, when Robin Williams perished from suicide, more people began to come forth about their mental health struggles.  Many believed that if we spoke on the issue of mental health, others would feel like they could share their stories or find help.

My friend Kevin Necessary wrote his story for WCPO.  Another friend, the Rev. Sarah Lund, recently wrote the book “Blessed Are the Crazy: Breaking the Silence about Mental Illness, Family and Church.”  She shared her family’s struggles with mental health issues.  As others placed themselves in vulnerable spaces telling their stories, I began to feel the call to tell my story as well.  That’s when I realized I had to talk about my experiences.

In the summer of 1979, we were on our way from the St. Louis area to southern California to visit my aunt, uncle and cousin, and Disneyland too.  Somewhere in the state of Arizona or New Mexico, we stopped for dinner.  I was already a pretty anxious kid – not a fan of escalators, steps, slides and a host of other things.  But that evening, as a six year old, the least unusual thing happened: I discovered the first loose tooth in my mouth.

At that moment, I began to have my first panic attack.  Over a loose tooth.  But as experience has proven: you never know what will set off a panic attack.

Being that it was over 35 years ago, I can’t remember exactly how that first attack felt.  From what I can recall, I felt out of control and waves of nausea.  I couldn’t eat anything else that night.  Beginning that evening, my eating habits drastically changed.  I consumed very little each day due to the nauseating anxiety in my system.  I lost weight, and my mom did everything she could to help me find ways to eat.  My parents were beyond worried about me, but during eras when people never spoke of certain issues, I would imagine that it would be difficult to find your children the help they need.

Of course, this was in the late 1970’s.  People weren’t talking about childhood anxiety or mental health issues, and even speaking of one’s mental health illness was taboo.  Personally, I thought there was something wrong with my stomach.  I couldn’t put into words what I was going through.

As time went on, I sought help in trying to be find wellness in my soul, heart and mind, and this meant counseling sessions.  At the age of 16, as I headed into the office, I scoped the parking lot for any signs of people I knew.  I refused to let anyone know what I was going through.  I couldn’t let anyone know how flawed I was.  I would have been horrified if anyone knew I was in counseling.  Even my closest friends in high school never knew until years later.  Finally in college, I began to speak with friends about my anxiety, and over the years have been more and more open about this challenge in my life.  My sixteen year old self would never have imagined that I would ever speak or write publicly about this struggle.

I’d like to say that I’ve had my last one, but I know that’s not the case.  I’m on a life-long journey with anxiety and panic disorder.  It isn’t fully gone.  But I’ve learned how to live with it and take baby steps so that it doesn’t fully define who I am.  I realize now that I probably have a chemical or biological predisposition to anxiety or panic.  It’s not something I brought about on my own – six year olds typically don’t bring these things on themselves.  Even forty-somethings or sixty-somethings will have panic attacks happen without any real cause.

Sometimes, it’s been hard to see God in the midst of my anxiety.  I’m sure others find it hard to see God in the midst of their mental health issue – no matter the issue.  But during the other times, God is all I know and what I can see in the chaos.

Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12, “ ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.”

Today, to use the phraseology of Paul, I boast of this weakness of mine.  I boast not from pride, but because I feel free and light in being able to tell my story.  I boast because I see the presence of God in my weakness, and my relationships with God and others have grown closer in this vulnerable state.  And that means, like Paul, seeking contentment in this very vulnerable moment and becoming transparent will hopefully bring strength to the entire body of Christ.

Jesus called the most vulnerable to do his work.  Mary Magdalene found relief from her seven demons – which could have included many mental health issues.  And Jesus called her to be the first person to share the good news after the resurrection.  Paul didn’t exactly have the best track record with life as he persecuted others.  And yet God still called him.  God called Jacob after he deceived his brother, Abraham after dismissing Hagar and Ishmael, David after his indiscretions, and Levi even though his career brought pain to others.

With God, there is grace and there is a future in our weaknesses and vulnerability.  There are second chances to be had and given.

Like dust, like ashes, and even like the powdery snow outside, we are vulnerable.  We are blown by the wind because of the frailty of our human condition.  But in that vulnerability, in that powdery, dusty mess that we humans are, we find our strength.  We find out where God is because sometimes, all we have is God.  And then we start to find each other as we all share our struggles.  To believe that any of us don’t struggle with something is a fallacy.  It’s unrealistic to believe such things.

Our next step in the process is finding the strength to be transparent about some of these struggles – especially once we’ve found some healing and can testify to God’s presence in our healing.

When I tell my story, I feel like this is the most vulnerable place I’ve been.  Like I said – I never realized that 25 years ago or even a year ago I would feel the call to stand up and speak my truth.  But this story needs to be told because maybe a parent out there will recognize that their child has anxiety and panic disorder and will find help for their child.  Maybe one of you will realize that there is no shame in receiving help – whether that help is counseling or medication, whether it’s for anxiety, depression, bipolar or a number of other mental-health related issues.  We may feel that it’s necessary to keep being strong, but actually, we will be healthier if we just admit that we are weak and get the help we need.

And that is why we take this time during Lent to raise all of the voices who break the silence on stigmatic issues.  I stand with all of my sisters and brothers who have the courage to live in the boldness of their frailty.  When we are able to say, “I’m as strong as ashes, and I’m mortal and messy,” then we can move into new ways of relating to God and one another.

Ash Wednesday is the day where we remember that we are mortal, not perfect, vulnerable, and limited.  And we rejoice in our weaknesses.  We thank God that we can come together as limited humans, in our brokenness and dustiness to celebrate the strength in our weakness and transparency.

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Being a Neighbor in the Wilderness

07 Friday Mar 2014

Posted by mictori in Life, Movies, Pop, Pop Culture, Religion

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Ash Wednesday, desert, Dr. Ryan Stone, Gravity, Jesus, Lent, Love, love your neighbor, neighbor, progressive Christianity, space, wilderness

From Wikimedia Commons

This post is based on a sermon preached at an ecumenical Ash Wednesday service on March 5, 2014 at Hope Lutheran Church, Cincinnati.

Last week, I watched the movie Gravity.  In the film, Dr. Ryan Stone is on a space mission with about four other astronauts.  A satellite orbiting earth has been blown up, and now the remaining pieces are flying at high speeds towards their ship.  As the initial fragments propel towards them, it permanently damages the ship and leaves three of the astronauts dead.  One other astronaut is alive, and he is able to catch up with her and tether himself to her.  Eventually, however, he knows that the two of them will die if they continue to be tethered.  So he releases himself from her, and she remains on her own in space.

Dr. Stone can’t reach by radio Houston, so there’s no communication to or from earth.  The emergency pods in the International Space Station are damaged, so she can’t use them to return to home.  There are other possibilities to return to earth, but, again, Dr. Stone is working completely alone with damaged equipment.

Dr. Stone is in the wilderness.  It may seem different than a wilderness than any of us have experienced.  On top of this, Dr. Stone has lost everyone she had started the journey with because of the hurling fragments of satellite.  She is completely isolated from any other living thing, any of life’s comforts and the protection of technology.

This level of isolation reminds me of the wilderness that Jesus could have endured for days and nights on end.  The story goes that the Spirit drove Jesus into the wilderness.  Jesus had no supplies, had no friends in the midst of this journey and fasted from basic needs.  Like Dr. Stone, he is in the middle of no where, feeling distracted by tests and disruptions.

Like Jesus and like Dr. Stone, is no doubt in my mind that each of us are going to journey through wildernesses at various points of our lives.  Sometimes it will be a wilderness of grief or a wilderness of physical illness.  Other times, it will be one that might be from mental illness like depression or anxiety, and we don’t think anyone else can relate.  As our journey in pain continues, we may isolate ourselves more and more and inflict wilderness on ourselves.

There are some of us who enjoy extended times alone.  But imagine having no source of neighbor as we go through some of life’s roughest moments.  There is no one to talk us down from our anxiety, no one to physically be present and no one to even give us insight on how to make the wilderness more tolerable.

Unlike Dr. Stone and unlike Jesus, unlike what we’ve even experienced in the past, when we endure a wilderness, we don’t have to go through it alone.  We have our neighbors.  And if we keep our eyes open, we may see that God is also present.

This is the joy of the love of neighbor: knowing that we can journey through the good times and rough times together.  We are not alone in a desert.  We are not alone in space.  We are here in the midst of community, part of the body of Christ and part of a covenantal body.   We have others pointing to the presence of God in our midst.

Granted sometimes people pull away from us when we’re in a wilderness.  Or we pull away from others.  Sometimes we feel no one can understand our pain.  And even when we are in the depths of the wilderness, it’s hard to see that God is forever present with us.

I remember that at one point in the movie, Dr. Stone says out loud “I don’t know how to pray.”  The fear of not knowing how to pray could keep us from reaching out to God.  But God doesn’t care what we say or even how we say it, and it doesn’t have to be the most beautifully crafted prayer.  It just needs to be a conversation, because God is already fully present and is trying to let this Divine presence be known to us.

Furthermore, there’s a good possibility that many of us aren’t in the wilderness.  So what if we’re the ones who don’t feel isolated by life’s trials but God is calling us to attend to someone who is?  In our call to love our neighbor as ourselves, were asked to serve our neighbors with an open heart, mind and soul and to exit our comfort zones.  Maybe we don’t know what to say to them.   Maybe we want to place ourselves far away from them because we can’t understand their pain.   Staying far away from someone in distress is easy.  But that’s not part of our call in being a neighbor.

Being a neighbor means placing ourselves in discomfort.  It means speaking to someone we’ve never spoken to before.  It means listening even though we may want to talk, talk, talk and give advice.  It means not running away from our calls from God.  It means keeping ourselves in community, even when we completely do not agree with their beliefs or their life.  And it means entering the wilderness with someone else.

This why some of our churches of different denominations are gathering together during this Lent and focusing on what it means to be a neighbor.  It’s to connect with others at different spaces in their lives as we reflect together during this sacred journey of Lent.  It’s realizing that we have neighbors close to us, and that God is also our neighbor when we are in a desolate space.

In the next few weeks, we’ll reflect on what it means to be neighbor in different situations.  We’ll think about our time as literal neighbors – with those down the street or next door.  We’ll look at our virtual neighbors, how we act online as we comment on posts or pray with others in social media.  We’ll consider what it means to be coworker, classmate, or caregiver as neighbor.  We’ll reflect on being neighbors with other churches or people who may believe differently than we do.  And we’ll place ourselves as neighbors with God’s other children across this beautiful world.

And maybe we’ll see how God is asking us to bring our literal, virtual, coworker, classmate, ecumenical and worldwide neighbor out of the wilderness or sit with them as they endure tragedy.

This Lent, let us find ways to help someone else through their wilderness.  Let us celebrate with others when it’s time to celebrate.  Let us cry with others when it’s time to mourn.  But know that we’re never alone.  No matter what our beliefs, which church we attend or where we live… if we’re in space, in a desert or in our homes… we are neighbors on this journey through the wilderness and beyond.  Amen.

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Recent Posts

  • A Prayer of Gratitude for Nostalgia
  • A Mid-Winter’s Prayer
  • A Blessing on the Last Days of Christmas
  • A Prayer When Delighting in Hope
  • A Prayer of Gratitude

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