Tag Archives: Sex and the City

Single in the Sanctuary: In Search of a “Normal Life”

10 Tuesday May 2016

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© 2004 Paramount Pictures and Dreamworks Pictures. All Rights Reserved.

True confession: I have had many moments when I wish I was a Stepford Wife…

Now, 90-95% of my life I wouldn’t want to be a cookie cutter girl.  And if you know me, you know that I’m far from being cut from the same cloth as everyone else.

In my twenties, I was a member of the Junior League.  As most of the members were wives with husbands who made upper-middle to lower-upper class salaries, my single self who made a lower-middle class non-profit salary felt extremely out of place.  There were more times in those early years when I wanted to have the lives of the women who surrounded me.

The harder I tried to have lives like theirs, the more I was being called away from that lifestyle.  I was a trapezoid-shaped peg attempting to fit into a round hole.

Since my twenties, I stopped caring about living the rich or semi-rich life and having a bazillion square foot house – especially now that I’m a pastor.  I appreciate being able to support myself and take pride in not “needing” a man to take care of me but rather having a man in my life to walk besides me.

Being single past your early-to-mid thirties is hard to swallow – mostly because we’re different than most of society.  Some days adapting to this is not exactly easy.  I remember questioning God and shaking my fist to the Divine.  Why can’t my life be as “ideal” as most of those around me, God?

Of course, ideal is what it looks like on the outside… We don’t know what happens offline…

Remember when Carrie Bradshaw says to her friends in a season two episode of Sex and the City “The world is made up of two types of women: the simple girls and the Katie girls.  I’m a Katie girl.”  The “Katie girl” is in reference to Barbara Streisand’s character in The Way We Were.  Carrie was another trapezoid-shaped peg trying to fit into a round hole.    There are people who follow social graces, speak well, dress impeccably, have perfect home and look like a polished human being.  That was not Carrie Bradshaw.

That is not me.  And at 43, I’m pretty resigned to the fact that it will never be me.

I wasn’t made to be a Stepford Wife or president of Junior League or a simple girl or a cookie-cutter life.  I wasn’t called to have a life that mirrors most everyone else.  I wasn’t made to be the same as most of my friends and colleagues.  I am quirky, nerdy, weird and wonderfully made.

I aspire to one day own a townhouse.  I hope to have a smaller wedding someday that reflects who we are as a couple and looks much less like a production.  I hope to keep preaching, keep writing, keep advocating and keep being just slightly more quirky than most people I know.

Simple Girls, Stepford Wives and normal people who fit the mold of a cookie-cutter (if they truly exist) are just as much made in God’s image, loved by God, used by God and are called by God.  And those of us who are “Katie girls” who don’t fit molds and are weird and nerdy and complicated in almost every part of their lives are also made in God’s image, loved by God, used by God and are called by God.  We are all just asked by God to share God’s love in a variety of ways.

In the words of Oscar Wilde “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”

 

 

 

Single in the Sanctuary: The Last Single Girl

07 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by in Church Life, Life, Movies, Pop, Pop Culture, Single in the Sanctuary

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In the 2008 Sex and the City movie, Carrie Bradshaw, 40 years old, gets engaged to longtime love Mr. Big.  The editors at Vogue offer to photograph her in various wedding dresses.  Enid, her editor at Vogue, tells her that the feature will be called “The Last Single Girl.”

“Well, I’m hardly the last single girl,” Carrie exclaims.

Editor Enid replies “No, but 40 is the last age a woman can be photographed in a wedding gown without the unintended Diane Arbus subtext.”

Is Enid implying that the last age a woman is able to wear in a fluffy, tulle-skirted wedding dress is at 40?    Should brides mute their celebratory looks for something more matronly?

And what if we’re not even close to being ready to getting married?  What if we’re over 40 and there’s no proposals on the horizon?  Should we just erase any current Pinterest hopeful board of wedding dresses and begin a new one entitled “the older bride”?

older bride

(By the way… this is what a screenshot of an “older bride” search looks like on Pinterest.  It looks quite Vogue-worthy to me.  And none of these women look like “Old Maids” or “Last Single Girls.”)

So…Does Any of This Matter?

Let’s step away from weddings because I’m sure many of us reading this aren’t ready to get married in the immediate future.  We wonder if society thinks that single women over 40 have transition themselves from vibrant young women to “Old Maids”.  We often inappropriately believe ourselves a rare breed because we didn’t conform to society’s limited expectations and marry before 40.

Yes, there have been times when I feel like I’m the LAST SINGLE GIRL – especially before I met my current boyfriend.  I celebrated my 40th birthday dateless, surrounded by fabulous friends, and filled with a spirit that was well-younger than 40.

Phone Sept 2014 025

See… This is not a girl who was ready to move into the Old Maid category.  

I do look at the lives of my friends, and I’m definitely one of the few never-married single girls.  To see and embrace yourself as one of the LAST SINGLE GIRLS is a difficult realization.  Maybe you’ll think to yourself “When did this happen?  What did I do to arrive at this place now that I’m over 40?”

And, if you’re anything like me, you may look around most churches you’ve attended and feel like the LAST SINGLE GIRL in the church and most contexts in your life… most of the time at least.

I imagine that there will be some of you reading this who feel like the LAST SINGLE GIRL in the world, in the church, in their group of friends and in their families.

It goes without saying… in reality, you are not the LAST SINGLE GIRL.  Hardly!  We are out there in steady numbers!  We are no longer old maids.  We are no longer alone.  We are valid just attempting to live life as fully as possible.  No one is worth any less because of their marital status.

As a clergy member and person who often writes about being a single progressive Christian, I will meet people who have never been married or married around 40 or later.   There are people in our churches who are single of all ages – from 22 to 40 to 65.  And each person is where they are right now for better or worse.   They tell me their stories of meeting their spouse a little later down the road and the bliss of finding a healthy relationship when the time – and their lives – were just right.

It’s not our job as churches to segregate THE LAST SINGLE GIRLS from the rest of our church.  But it’s our job to walk along side of people to bring them comfort in their current status.  It’s our responsibility to integrate them into church life, worship and activities.  And it’s our call to hope with our unmarried sisters and brothers if they yearn to meet a partner in the future.

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In the near future, it’s my intention to read the book All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation  by Rebecca Traister.  For more reflections based on the book and how it may impact the way communities of faith relate to unmarried persons, follow me here at michelletorigian.com.

In the meantime, join the conversation on being unmarried and a progressive Christian here.

Bible Stories: Early Tales of Beautiful Imperfection

08 Friday Feb 2013

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This week I was overjoyed to hear that Helen Fielding is in the process of writing another Bridget Jones’ novel.

As some of you remember in these books or from the movies, Bridget is a single thirtysomething woman.  She is always hoping to improve upon her life.  She is always feeling and acting a bit awkward.  Unlike many women on our televisions and in our movies, Bridget isn’t the model-thin, she says the wrong things in many situations, and she isn’t polished.

When I see a Bridget Jones movie or read one of the Bridget Jones’ novels, I feel less alone.

I always wonder why there aren’t more books and movies that feature the everyday female.  Sure, maybe the our culture wants us all to look a certain way, but that’s not reality.  So, we need books, movies, and films to help us feel that we aren’t alone in being our truest self.

In this respect, the Bible is like Bridget Jones novels, Carrie Bradshaw tales, and episodes of Hannah Horvath‘s life.  We see the true humanity in the characters and can understand their journeys.  Each of them are spectacularly flawed yet they continuously reflect and try to improve upon their lives.

That’s one of the greatest things about the Bible: we are able to relate to its stories and feel less alone.  We are able to see that being flawed is nothing new, and grace is needed for us to keep moving forward.

How many of us have felt the world crashing down around us, like Job, or the frustrations with not being able to conceive, like Sarah?  How many of us have had our voices silenced when we were standing up for our own dignity, like Vashti?  How many of us have felt frustrated waiting for the love of our life, like Rachel?  How many of us have lived with guilt, like David?

This is why the Bible still works in our society today: our world has been, is, and will be full of imperfect characters.  Who will be our culture’s next story of beautiful imperfection?

Sermon on the Side: Baptism According to Carrie Bradshaw

09 Wednesday Jan 2013

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As most of you probably know by now, I do not approach theology in the most conventional ways.  Some of you may be shocked to know that one of my favorite all time shows is Sex and the City.  While some readers may not agree with all of the content, the show has given me the chance to realize I’m not alone in my singlehood.

While I am delighted by each episode of the series, one of the most theologically thought-provoking episodes of the series was the season five episode “Unoriginal Sin.”

Miranda is having a tough time agreeing to have her son baptized.  Her son’s father, Steve, wants to have Baby Brady baptized for a few different reasons: so the baby doesn’t go to hell/limbo, so the baby has a party and to make his mom happy.  Most likely an agnostic, Miranda decides to go ahead with the baptism.

At the same time, Carrie is going through a faith and hope crisis of her own.  She begins to write her column with the following:

“That night, I started to think about belief. Maybe it’s not even advisable to be an optimist after the age of 30. Maybe pessimism is something we have to start applying daily… like moisturizer. Otherwise, how do you bounce back when reality batters your belief system and love does not, as promised, conquer all? Is hope a drug we need to go off of, or is it keeping us alive? What’s the harm in believing?”

So there Carrie, holding the child at the baptismal font as Baby Brady’s godmother.  As the water drips from the baby’s head onto Carrie’s arm, she thinks to herself “I couldn’t help but hope the water would wash away some of my original cynicism.”  To Carrie, this sacrament might not have been explicitly about God or forgiveness, but it may have opened rebirth, grace and hope for her.  Maybe the water will renew her spirit and wash away the cynicism from her heart.

This episode has my eyes to see baptism beyond the normal outward sign of God’s grace.  Baptism has the potential to do the following:

  • Brings people together
  • Gives people comfort about the spiritual security of their loved one
  • Reminds people of rebirth, grace and hope
  • Allows us the opportunity to welcome another child of God into the Body of Christ
  • Keeps the doors open to the sacred side of tradition

I think there are many reasons people go through with baptism, and this episode reflects upon that.  But the beautiful thing is how baptism impacts the entire body of Christ, not just the baby (or adult being baptized).  Each person in attendance is affected by being in the presence of a baptism.

How are each of us changed when we see another person baptized?  What does baptism mean to you?