Tag Archives: laparoscopy

Ash Wednesday and Human Fragility

02 Thursday Mar 2017

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imageToday, I was reminded of my fragility.

It didn’t happen at an Ash Wednesday service.  I wish I could have led one today, immersing my thumb in oil and ashes, looking into the eyes of fellow humans, and reminding them that we come from dust and we will head back there again later in our lives.

Instead, I got my own Ash Wednesday lesson in the form of pain, shots, and a nod to my human frailness from a nurse practitioner.

As I’ve mentioned on this blog a few times recently, I had surgery for my endometriosis.  While I was expecting the recover to go much like it did last time (SWIFT!), unfortunately, the amount of endometriosis and adhesions were greater so more tissue needed to be removed.  That usually means that recovery will reflect the heightened intensity of my endometriosis and what needed to be done during the surgery.

I didn’t return to work on Tuesday.  The pain was bad.  I had a low-grade fever.  And because of all of the discomfort, I met with the nurse practitioner in at the doctor’s office.  Tarodol shot #1 happend on Tuesday, but it didn’t help much.

Sleep was restless, but I was going to be a delusional hero and push through.  Even as late as Wednesday morning, I was intending to go to the Ash Wednesday service.  Earlier in the day, I was still in pain, having problems sleeping and then needing to sleep.  I called back into the doctor for a third day in a row.  They urged me to come back in for my second Tarodol shot in two days for the pain.

While in the office, I saw the nurse practitioner.  Reflecting on our conversation from Tuesday, she noted that I needed to take the extra time to rest.  “For the first surgery, taking one week off to recover makes sense.  For your twenty-fifth surgery (she meant third), you need a couple of weeks.”

Noooooooooooooo!

Laparoscopic surgeries for endometriosis aren’t like knee or shoulder surgeries.  You don’t have wraps or slings or crutches.  Under my shirts and comfy stretch drawstring pants are three fresh scars.  That’s all I see, and others don’t see any of that.  So I don’t look that bad.  And I still don’t know what my insides looked like during the surgery.  I’ll see pictures next week.  In the meantime, I just see three healing scars.  And what I forget is that I may have healed well on the outside, but my internal cells, tissue, and organs are trying to achieve full restoration. .

I look back at my previous laparoscopic experiences.  After my first laparoscopic surgery for endometriosis at the age of 30, I had a long weekend to recover.  Thursday was the surgery, and I was back to work on Monday.  Frankly, I wasn’t ready to return to work, but I mastered the art of pushing myself even when I was sick.

For the second surgery at 39, I took a week – maybe a week and a day.  Like the first surgery, I was still stage 2 endometriosis.

This surgery at the age of 43 – We are going on one week and two days.  I’m not 30 anymore, and based on the report of many adhesions, I’m probably beyond stage 2 endometriosis (the stage diagnosed during the first two surgeries).

Thankfully, my wonderful ecumenical colleagues in ministry were able to lead the service tonight without my presence.  This came in the form of a group email giving me grace and the permission to rest.

Ash Wednesday in pain.  And so I thought to myself out loud in a Tweet:

My pain and my inability to live fully on Ash Wednesday were more symbolic than any ash could give me.  I’m limited.  I’m mortal.  I’m fragile.  I can’t keep going the way I normally do right now because my human body is healing.  I need help.  God knows this.  Other humans know this.

Why can’t I accept this?

Sigh.

The Struggle with Grace and Impatience in Healing

26 Sunday Feb 2017

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pexels-photo-27335.jpgFive days ago, I had surgery.

It was the third surgery like this one I’ve had: a laparoscopic operation to remove some of the endometriosis from my pelvis.  Three small incisions were made in my lower abdomen in an effort to get to scope and treat my inside pelvic region.

I never look forward to procedures, but by the time I’ve made the decision to have surgery, I’ve been suffering with pain.  While I’m still working, my life beyond work is minimal.  For someone who is an extrovert like I am, this is not living.

So I had the procedure.  All seemed to have gone well.  But each and every surgery brings worries along with it as well as knowledge of post-surgery living.

In the days following surgery, I’ve noticed a pattern.  The first couple of days, I’m extremely exhausted, and my body is in healing mode.  My days are filled with nap upon nap.  Then I’ll move into the next phase in which I know I’m feeling better.  I can’t do much physically as I’m still very sore.  My body yearns to heal but my spirit wishes I could be among the living again.  My extroverted self is being crushed by the mandatory rest period.

So, besides sleeping, here’s what I’ve done in the past few days:

  • Watched television
  • Watched Netflix
  • Watched HBO Go
  • Watched whatever is On Demand
  • Watched YouTube videos
  • Watched a video I rented from Amazon
  • Watched Jeopardy each night
  • Read many, many articles
  • Tweeted
  • Colored in my Lisa Frank coloring book.

I’ve done a little work here and there as well – from designing some social media posts to making a few phone calls.  Yet I’m exhausted both physically and mentally, so my energy comes in small waves.

I’m not the only young-ish person I know trying to recover from illness or injury.  Friends of mine have been placed on bed rest, and I have this notion that it hasn’t been too much fun for them to rest either. We are “jump into life with both feet” people, and this necessary time off is against our nature.

What we must be reminded of is that the healing process isn’t an overnight thing.  In scripture, we see Jesus healing, and all of a sudden his ailing followers are completely well.  Jesus didn’t ask them to spend a week in bed after he heals them.  Lazarus didn’t take additional time to rest after his resurrection.  The woman with the hemorrhage didn’t need a week to gain back her strength after touching the hem of Jesus.  Their healing was instantaneous.

My healing is not.

In real life, the way Jesus healed is not how realistic recovery works.  When God gives us healing, our responsibility is to rest and follow medical advice as part of the recovery process.

Let’s face it: instant gratification is a drug in our world.  We consider the rest time as a luxury and not a mandate.  When we realize that we can not escape a mandatory rest period with an illness, surgery, or injury, then we often feel guilty.  Our work has always taken top priority – why rest when we should be carrying a normal work load only days after a surgical procedure!

This is when the Sabbath commandment is crucial.  Sabbath is not only about building our relationship with God, but caring for the relationship with ourselves.  Our self-care is needed for us to heal properly so that we can follow God’s call for our lives and work diligently down the road.

I’m trying not to feel guilty about all of the naps I’ve taken in the past few days or zoning out as I color in my Lisa Frank coloring book or rewatching old episodes of Parks and Recreation for the billionth time.  God needs me to take this time right now to build my body as God will need me to work hard a few days and weeks down the road.

Waiting to Heal

16 Thursday Feb 2017

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teddy-teddy-bear-association-ill-42230The endometriosis has returned.  At least it’s what I think right now.

Next week, I have my third surgery for this disease.  Now, most of the time I’m fine.  And I’m the type of person who works diligently through my pain a it doesn’t stop me from being a productive person.  But eventually I get to the point that I need to have a procedure as the pain reaches a distracting level.

Have I mentioned how much I hate pain – how I would rather endure surgery than experience daily agony?

I’ve written about my experiences with this illness here, here and here.  Of course, I’m always doing what I can do educate others about the illness.  It is believed that ten percent of people with female reproductive parts have endometriosis – and this includes some transgender men.  Many women are told that pain with periods is normal, so women will go years before they are diagnosed.  People like Lena Dunham, Susan Sarandon, and Whoopi Goldberg have had the disease.  It is also believed Hillary Rodham Clinton and Marilyn Monroe suffered with it as well.  While doctors try various pills and medications to treat the illness, it often feels like there are few good treatments besides surgery.  The other treatments I’ve tried were spoiled by the side effects.

While most of my energy is dedicated to work and healing, little time has gone to writing. Which is why I’m giving what I can tonight to my craft and calling as a writer.  In the next few days I hope to write more here about my experiences with endometriosis in the pulpit and as a woman.

I’m very fortunate that I’ve gone years between each of my surgeries – unlike many women.  My hope is that in a few weeks I will be back to my normal self – blooming with energy and gaining momentum to become active again.  This is what happened after the first two surgeries, and I pray that it will happen this third time.  All I want is to feel human once again, to savor the joys of life with friends and find myself outside under the sun instead of on the couch and in bed during free time.

Netflix is nice, but there is so much streaming one wants to experience because there is an entire world to see, hear, and taste.

March Forth… Along with a Million Other Women

04 Tuesday Mar 2014

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march forthToday, March 4th, the United Church of Christ and other denominations ask us to take a stand and march forth in body, mind or soul in an effort to bring justice to our world.

I march for Endometriosis.

Now, some may think this isn’t much of a justice issue.  To many, it’s another health issue to which only half of the population is susceptible.

Isn’t it just another painful period?  Aren’t periods supposed to be painful?

No.

Wait, didn’t God say that this is a punishment for Eve eating the forbidden fruit?

No.

Endometriosis is an illness when the lining that is usually found in the inside the uterus migrates  outside of the womb.  It can be found on the outside surface of the uterus, the Fallopian tubes and the ovaries not to mention the bladder, bowels and a variety of other organs.  The tissue has been found on the brain and in the lungs.

There is so much mystery surrounding Endometriosis.  They’re not sure if it’s genetic or if tissue is regurgitated into the abdominal cavity.  There is nothing we can do to prevent the disease from starting.

So besides not knowing how it begins, there is no know cure.  Doctors will prescribe birth control pills to control the growth.  If the pain continues, a laparoscopy is performed.  This is the only way Endometriosis is truly confirmed in a woman.  While they are performing the minimally invasive surgery, they will remove much of the tissue growing outside of the uterus.  Often, this will alleviate the pain, but for many of us, the growth begins again, and the pain intensifies.  Doctors will also prescribe Lupron, a drug that will place a woman into menopause for a few months.  The hope is that the Endometriosis is greatly reduced when the periods return.

Hormones have many side affects and no one really wants to have surgery.  I can tell you that it’s difficult to choose between the two.  Yet knowing how hormones wreak havoc on my body, I tend to choose surgery when the pain is consistently intolerable.

I’ve had two laparoscopic surgeries: one in 2003 (when I was diagnosed) and one in 2013.  I feel fortunate that I went over nine years without another surgery.  I seriously doubt that nine years will go by before my next one.

It’s incredible to see this great fight over the coverage of birth control when people with Endometriosis find it as a temporary solution.  Unfortunately, birth control is a “sinful” substance to many, but for a multitude of others, it returns their lives.  It should be widely available for women to use for a number of reasons.

There is one other thing: not all doctors are willing to face Endometriosis.  I’ve had a couple of wonderful physicians who were willing to take my condition seriously.  But women are told that extremely painful periods are normal.  By gynecologists.  And then they are told pregnancy and hysterectomies will cure the disease.  Yet nothing is curative.

So it’s time to stand up, to march and to let women know that painful periods aren’t what we as women should be experiencing.  It’s time to be like the woman with the hemorrhage in Mark 5 and advocate for ourselves.  We’re not willing to have these pains decade after decade when it could have been diagnosed in our teens or early 20’s.  We’re not willing to stand by as this disease takes over our bodies and robs us of our lives.  We’re not willing to let this tissue grow like weeds so that we experience defeating infertility.  It’s time to use everything we can and let our health care providers know when our body isn’t right.

And it’s time for us to stand up to our legislators and let them know to allocate more money in funding for research.

As we march forth today – most of us virtually – let us support one another in our common pain.  Let us support those we love whose pain overcomes their lives.  And let us stand up to the powers that be who can make fiscal decisions, making this disease a thing of the past.

I plan on sending a to my senators and congressional leaders.  Others will be marching in Washington D.C. and other cities all over the world on March 13.  What will you do?

Find contact information for elected officials in the United States HERE.  For more information on the Million Women March for Endometriosis, check out the website: http://www.millionwomenmarch2014.org/.

Healing Pain

19 Saturday Jan 2013

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I’m sore.

This past Tuesday, I had my second laparoscopy for Endometriosis.  Because it had been nine years since my last laparoscopy, I don’t remember all of my post-operative pains that resulted from the first procedure.  Yet, I knew I was going to experience some soreness.

As much discomfort as I have experienced in the past few days, I must admit that I have had pain much, much worse.  In the past six months, my pain level has reached a ten.  The discomfort I’ve experienced in the past few days since my surgery does not compare to the days and nights of debilitating cramps.

Yet there is still pain, and my body is still healing.

But I can no longer classify my aches as a destructive pain.  Since this surgery, the discomfort I’m experiencing is a healing pain.

My post-operative pains remind me of this scene from Grey’s Anatomy.  When we surface from a surgical procedure that saves our life or our quality of life, we are no longer (or less) captive to the agony that tore our lives apart.  We have been released from the bondage of misery and are now crossing the threshold to a new phase of living.

Healing pains apply to emotional and spiritual injuries as well.  When I was in Clinical Pastoral Education in 2008, we were given the illustration that spiritual/emotional healing is like a wound healing on our body.  Injuries can heal incorrectly.  But if we want to truly heal the wound, we must clean out the sore.  If a bone is healing incorrectly, the bone must be broken once again and then reset.  How much pain does that cause?  How do we try to avoid that extra pain when we are in the healing process?

Healing means we must face pain directly.  It’s pouring alcohol in an open wound.  It’s having surgery to avoid destructive pain.  It’s going to therapy and talking through our issues.

And it’s knowing that God is in the wound with us – – whether we are healing or the sore is new.

I do hurt, but I won’t suffer forever.  I know my current pain is part of the journey to healing and wholeness.