Category Archives: Religion

Ministry is Not Safe

06 Monday Jul 2015

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This is a post I originally wrote for the RevGalBlogPals blog feature “The Pastoral is Political”.

Ministry often seems like a very placid vocation.  We engage with congregants as they heal from their surgeries.  We attend birthday parties and anniversary celebrations, officiate weddings, and baptize babies and adults.   Even the tedious paperwork, the sermon preparation, and the thousand hours of meetings are calm ways for us to serve God and neighbor.

Occasionally, we will stumble upon experiences which are more sinister and threatening: the times our physical, emotional, and spiritual selves feel like they are in danger.  These are moments when we feel our most vulnerable and questioning the calls we have accepted.

Recently, we’ve seen how fellow clergy in Charleston, South Carolina have been gunned down within their sanctuary during a standard Bible study.  Only days after this horrendous crime, news stories report black churches being torched and 20 women clergy in the African Methodist Episcopal congregations receiving letters threatening their lives and the well-being of their families.

I’ll be honest – if I was them, I’d be running far away from my church, changing my name, and hiding under my bed.   I suppose I’m much like Peter on the day of the crucifixion – ready to cling on to the known of this life rather than stand in the openness of peril that can come with being a pastor.

Through these recent accounts rooted in racism and sexism, we are reminded once again that ministry is not safe.

I don’t necessarily know how we forget this reality.  Jesus himself found that doing justice and showing kindness led him to capital punishment.  Most of his closest followers during the first century CE met the end of their life while practicing extravagant love and grace.

In the 1940’s, Dietrich Bonhoeffer stood against the powers of the Nazi regime.  Instead of staying in the safety of the United States, he returned to be in solidarity with those persecuted in Europe.  Due to the controversial nature of his messages, Bonhoeffer was imprisoned in 1943 and executed in 1945.

Threats against the life of Martin Luther King, Jr. were nothing new during his mid-twentieth century ministry.  Yet even in the face of danger, abiding in the shadow-filled valleys, sitting in jail cells, walking in marches, Dr. King never was intimidated to cease his work.  His life was cut short at the age of 39 by a sniper in Memphis.

As Jesus said in Matthew 10 “Those who find their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it.”  I believe that those who place themselves, their reputations, and their well-beings at risk experience the presence of God in deeper ways than most of us ever will.

If we keep ourselves in the safest places in ministry and church life, we will never grow as clergy.  If we decide to preach on safe subjects week after week, never take part in rallies, or never speak in public or write opinions for newspaper columns, we will never understand the ministry of Christ.

At no point of our ministry are we completely free from hazards, even if we hide under beds, change our names, and move to other cities.  We can only stay safe for so long.  Not only is ministry unsafe physically, but our hearts and souls are in harm’s way as we place our most vulnerable selves on the line.  We love extravagantly, and when our parishioner walks away from the church, we blame ourselves.  When someone walks out of a sermon we’ve preached on a difficult subject, we question following the call of God.  We wonder what we could have done differently if a congregant commits suicide or a crime.  When we open our hearts fully to ministry, we will undoubtedly be hurt time and again when our loved congregants die and we no longer see their bright faces Sunday after Sunday.  We will lose a piece of our lives every time our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls are threatened, but then we will gain something greater in return.  Maybe we will see a glimpse of God’s presence as fear dissipates around us.

As Pastor Mary Rhodes, one of the women receiving a threatening letter said “Nothing is going to stop me from doing what God has called me to do.”  With faith and determination, these pastors continue in the valleys of the shadows of death knowing that God has prepared a table in the presence of their enemies.

Knowing that we can gain a new sense of Christ, ministry, and love, what could we do differently today to risk a part of ourselves for our ministry?  What can we do to stand firmly in faith even in the face of threats?  And in what ways can we support our siblings in ministry as they abide in the great shadows of threats?

For more information and to check out the fantastic writings of other clergy women writers, go to RevGalBlogPals.org.

We Have a Sex Problem, Christianity

29 Friday May 2015

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Christianity has a sex problem.

When it comes to physically intimate acts, by reputation Christians are known to disallow any acts between anyone except a married heterosexual couple.  Those who are single, co-habitating, and any LGBT person must remain completely and totally chaste.  Many intimate acts, including kissing (in some religious sects), are absolutely wrong in premarital relationships.

So when we hear stories of a fundamentalist Christian teen who molests multiple minor girls, we notice mixed reactions.  Some believe it’s like all other sexual sins – no more or less sinful.  Others name the acts of molestation as a more heinous crime.

The problem comes down to whether we see sex outside of marriage as breaking a legal code or something that has the potential of being a healthy act.  More conserving Christians will note that all sexual acts outside of heterosexual marriage are sinful.  They may even imply that ALL sexual acts not in the confines of marriage are equally sinful.  And they may even mention that everyone is an equal opportunity sinner.

Like many other progressive Christians, I personally don’t think that all sexual acts outside of marriage are considered sinful. Yes, this is absolutely contradictory to what the loudest people in Christianity believe.  But after placing Scripture in conversation with reason, tradition, experience together, I see that sometimes, there are no definite answers to whether someone should engage in sex outside of marriage.  Instead, there are many questions that arise: Is the situation healthy and safe?  Do both people respect one another?  Is anyone being hurt by this encounter?

For a moment, let’s put aside our differences. For those who still may believe that intimacy should not be outside of marriage, we must come together to considered one factor: some sexual acts are more devastating and painful, thus making them more sinful.  And the reason is the lack of consent.

Two consenting people having sex may just be two consenting people having sex. It’s a potentially healthy expression of the way two people like/respect/admire/love one another.  Not everyone will feel it is right to engage in premarital sex before marriage.  People who wait shouldn’t be called names and shamed – just like people who engage in sex before marriage should not be shamed.  Individual choice should be respected – as long as people are being healthy and safe.  We must respect that some people will engage in sex outside of marriage and others will not, and we must be as loving as possible to someone no matter which they choose.

But here’s when we get into a problem.  There is a HUGE difference in how we see God in relation to our sex lives.  Some will see God’s presence and blessing in an intimate consensual relationship prior to marriage.  Others will see God’s condemnation.  Some will pray to God to bless their sexual union.  Others believe God wants nothing to do with our sex lives – especially outside of marriage.

No matter which side of the conversation we fall, most of us can probably agree that sometimes there’s sin involved in sex – especially when one person is using the other, levying their power over their partner, or manipulating another person into sexual acts.  When we hear stories of rape, sexual assault, molestation, drugging a person to have sex, taking advantage of a drunk or drugged person, and touching someone inappropriately, we are listening to non-consensual sexual encounters.  Because these acts damage the relationship between God, neighbor and self, sexual abuse is, undoubtedly, sin.  Additionally some sexual encounters within an unhealthy marriage are sinful as well, notably when one spouse requires the other to become intimate.

I’m extremely tired of hearing “all sin is equal sin.”  No, that’s not the case.  When two people are expressing love or respect to one another, that is not damaging to God and neighbor like when one person is levying power over another person.  These two acts are not even in the same ball park.  I may sound like I’m judging, but when you hear the pain that comes from many women’s experience with sexual abuse, it’s time to change the system.

Just because Deuteronomy 22:38-39 says that a man can rape a woman (as long as he marries her) does not mean he should treat the woman like an object.  Additionally, just because Lot offered his daughters to be raped while they still lived in Sodom doesn’t mean we can look the other way when women’s bodies are used as commodities.  Likewise, it wasn’t right when they had non-consensual sex with their father to get pregnant.  And it wasn’t ethical when King Xerxes banished Vashti when she refused to be objectified.

Just because the epistles mention that women must submit their lives to their husbands (1 Peter 3, 1 Corinthians 7:4) does not mean men have the right to rape their wives.

We must thoroughly research scriptures which require a woman to have sex with her husband each night or when she isn’t in the mood.  If anyone is manipulating their spouse or partner into sex, it isn’t consensual.  When webpages exist that are dedicated to making sure women are required to have sex with their husbands each time he wants it (because it’s God’s will), then we have a sex problem, Christianity.  When people are considered bad when they have sex prior to marriage and then bad when they don’t have sex after marriage, then we have a sex problem, Christianity.  When your sex rules don’t include Leviticus 18:19 but absolutely must include Leviticus 18:22, then we have a sex problem Christianity.  When Christian groups have materials that blame women for being molested and raped based on how they are acting or what they are wearing, then we have a sex problem, Christianity.

When we don’t look at the bigger picture with the Duggars’ situation, we have a problem with sex, Christianity.  Josh was 14 when he sexually abused minor females.  And Jim-Bob decides to swiftly and silently sweep the situation under the rug.  But did anyone ask how these women are?  Do any of the statements given mention the pain, shame, and humiliation that the women experienced?  Did anyone ask if Josh was abused at some point?  (Many abusers have been abused in the past.)  Does anyone wonder if Josh has experienced the help he needs so that he’s not putting other people at risk?  This isn’t just about judging or forgiveness.  It’s stopping unhealthy patterns so that the cycle of abuse stops.  It’s making sure that those who have been hurt can find new life.

Undoubtedly, God will forgive Josh – just like God will forgive all of us.  That’s what unconditional grace is about.  But this doesn’t mean that his actions are far from gone in the lives of five females.  This doesn’t mean that they are ready to forgive him.  This isn’t the time for us to rush to forgiveness.  This is time for us to understand what healthy sexuality is, find ways to have conversations so that more 14 year old children don’t feel compelled to abuse their sibling, and stop parents from sweeping the problem under the rug.  This is time for us to extend our hand of grace to these five girls so that they won’t feel the shame that they probably carry in their hearts.

Christianity, let’s look at what sex, consent, and sin mean.  It’s time for us to change the language of appropriate sex from “good” and “bad” to “unhealthy,” “healthy,” and “consensual.”  God’s ready for our conversation.  Are we?

 The current version of this post has been edited from the original.

The Pastoral is Political – On Being an Outsider at the OB/GYN and in the Sanctuary

27 Monday Apr 2015

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Here is my latest at the RevGalBlogPals page:

The Pastoral is Political – On Being an Outsider at the OB/GYN and in the Sanctuary

via The Pastoral is Political – On Being an Outsider at the OB/GYN and in the Sanctuary.

The Big Release

22 Sunday Mar 2015

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Jesus answPhone Sept 2014 2052ered them, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Very truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Those who love their life lose it, and those who hate their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.”

John 12:23-25

It’s easy to cling to the status quo, the wheat stalk in our midst.

It’s easy to play it safe.  It’s much simpler to allow the voices that stagnate to overrule.  It’s much less complicated to keep lives and institutions in their current shapes.

But here’s the thing: if we keep gripping to the stalk on which we grow and not allow ourselves to die to the old and be reborn, we are going to die anyway.

If we cling to our current ways of living, the unhealthy will overrule our well-being.  If we cling to a destructive friendship or relationship, our soul begins to shrink.  If we cling to a rigid way of thinking about a subject, we will cut ourselves off of a still-speaking God in our midst.

This also applies to the way we are the church.

If we try to keep people happy, preventing anything from changing and anyone from grieving, we think to ourselves “well, at least we aren’t dying.  All must be well!”  We’ll remind ourselves that we aren’t shrinking.  We’re retaining members!  Instead, we’ll foolishly affirm to ourselves and others that we’re stable.  But we’re far from stable.  We are clinging to a dying stalk of wheat.

We allow ourselves to forget about all of the others that may come our way once we shed our status quo.  We will die in the lie of stability because stability doesn’t really exist.  And people-pleasing is only an illusion.

But everyone’s “happy.”  Or so it seems.

Here’s where I fall short: being a Christian isn’t about making others happy.  Jesus refused to make others happy.  Instead, he threw over tables in the Temple, healed on the Sabbath, touched the unclean and associated with expendable people.

I’ll be honest- as I give this more thought, I no longer believe it’s really about making God happy but, instead, allowing God’s call to draw us into life.  We are called to live the Christ-filled journey by releasing the old ways we in which we exist.  It requires us to stop the people-pleasing, cease clinging to the old and let go.

The path of Christ means free-falling into the air… wondering where we will land and having faith that we will land in soil that will nourish us.

Those who love their lives exactly the way things are right now will eventually lose it sooner or later.  We will get old and our bodies and/or minds will cease to work.  As we die we’ll wonder why we didn’t take more chances in life and free-fall into the call of God.

Likewise, those who love their churches exactly how they currently are and work to keep the status quo will eventually lose their church.  Our members will age.  We won’t have the bodies and monies to continue to run our current church structures and buildings.  As we cling to the old, the life and energy stirring around the church building will drift away.

Eventually, the church will die.  Only the hollow, echoing building will stand.  No more ministries.  No more worship.  No more laughter at 9:45a.m. on a Sunday morning.

Nothing.

Now, if we are willing to throw everything to the wind – our old perspectives, our old structures, our old procedures – just as this grain of wheat that Jesus spoke of, we have the potential to grow.  In this great release of the old, we may feel like we are killing off the past.  We may be tossing away everything we know.  And, yes, this means deep grief.

Living this wild life of instability forces us to stop the rigidity and start on the winding road to who-knows-where.  But the possibilities of growth are endless.  The laughter and energy may dwindle for a bit, but then begin to build.

Remember Jack’s magic beans after he sold the cow?  Without releasing the old (and maybe sacred) cow, a beanstalk wouldn’t have blossomed.

Just like many churches will sell their buildings, merge with other churches, advocate for something new… Basically everything they are into the wind…  Selling the sacred cows for magic beans.

But most of the time, when the seed releases and falls, the ground catches it, nurses it, and allows the seed to take root…

…And the buds of resurrection break through the ground.

Buddhism Reshaped My Easter

17 Tuesday Mar 2015

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IMG_0185Let’s face it – Easter tends to be the most Christian holiday of the year.  Besides anything that’s bunny, egg, chocolate, or flower-related, the holiday centers around the resurrection of Jesus, the heart and head of our faith.

But last year, I adopted a Buddhist view of Easter… at least in my sermon.

I recalled that each year right around this time, I head over a park on the other side of town.  The entrance to this park is lined with trees that, when they bloom, look like paradise.  I find sadness that this lasts only a short while.  Fortunately, I was able to visit the park right after they started blooming.  When I was over there yesterday, the pinkish-white petals had disappeared, and small buds of greened hung where the blooms had been.

There is sadness that fills my heart when I see the blooms gone for the year.  There’s a part of me that wishes the first days of spring could last all year, and the blossoms on the trees could last forever.

Of course, logically, I know this is part of the life cycle of the tree.  The trees are no longer in its beautiful spring state.  The petals drop to the ground, finding their death.  But in their death, the tree find its next phase.

We embrace much of our lives like we do like the blossoming trees.  We want life to stay a certain way, frozen in time.  But life is always changing.  Life starts, life ends.  Our bodies and our world are in constant motion.  From the mountains to our trees to our hair and our souls, we transform.  It’s concurrently beautiful and sad.

One of my best friends practices Buddhism.  When we have a chance to visit with one another, we have the best conversations about faith.  In reflecting on my sermon for last year’s Easter, the Buddhist principle of impermanence came to light. This principle is meditating on and deeply understanding that everything is impermanent, in a constant state of change and that everything will deteriorate.

She read to me excerpts from Thich Nhat Hanh’s book You Are Here which explained that impermanence and change is the heart of life and makes life possible.  When we reject impermanence, we reject life.  For hope lies in impermanence.

And in a roundabout way, we see that hope in resurrection story.

Mary Magdalene is weeping outside of the tomb, and Jesus the Christ calls her by name.  She then recognizes the risen Christ in her midst.  And then remembering all of the great times with Jesus during his earthly life, she wants to keep that with her.  She wants everything to be the same, and she clings to him.  Maybe she’s thinking “he won’t go away again.”  Maybe she’s thinking that “if I do something differently this time, he won’t die.”  I can’t say exactly what she was thinking, but she wanted the old ways of being with Jesus the Christ again.  But the Christ says otherwise – “do not hold onto me.”

What it says in the text is “do not cling” not “do not touch.”  We see later that it was ok for Thomas to touch Jesus.  I don’t think that it was a problem that this Christ was touched.  But what she was doing was holding on with all of her might in order to keep the pre-crucifixion, pre-resurrection Jesus with her.

In letting Jesus in his previous embodiment go, leaving the garden and running to spread the good news, I believe Mary embraces the hope that lies in impermanence.  She embraces the great change that happens with the Christ – from the original human body format to a format that transcends space and time.  That Christ goes with us wherever we go, and that Christ changes as the ways our life and world change.  When we meet new people or experience life in a new way, we understand Christ deeper.

It may seem odd that I speak of a Buddhist principle on Easter Sunday, but I wonder, how are we with changes in our lives, of letting things go, and then looking at embracing change as hopeful.

I remember what Thich Nhat Hanh says: “hope lies in impermanence.”  The tomb could not seal off the Christ from the rest of the world.  And while the death was traumatic, without the change in the form of the Christ, I don’t believe the good news would have gone beyond that small part of the world.  Would people know of the radical love of Jesus, of the way he validated the lives of those who were in the margins?

If Mary Magdalene would have staying in that garden right outside the tomb and kept holding on to the Jesus she once knew instead of sharing the Christ in its newest form, we wouldn’t have known the Good News of new life and resurrection.  That’s hope.  Maybe there were still tinges of sadness that resonated within her.  But I believe the privilege of sharing the good news of life and hope helped her to let go of Jesus the Christ in his previous form.

I’d like to think of Mary releasing Jesus like any of us releasing the beauty that leaves with the end of a season.  There is a tinge of sadness that still remains in me when the blossoms drop from the trees.  But with the changing trees and the falling flowers comes rich greenness for all to enjoy, full trees for people to rest under during the warm months.  If the trees didn’t change throughout the year, they would die.  That’s like us: if we don’t change constantly – our cells, our thoughts, our churches – we die as well.

So each year, when trees bloom and Easter rolls around, I recall the Buddhist principle of impermanence.  It’s given me the gift of seeing the transitions and changes that come with the death and resurrection of Jesus with a new depth and greater hope of new life.

This post was written as part of Synchroblog’s March 2015 theme “What I Appreciate about [Other Religions].”  Below are other blog posts that have been written as part of this theme.  The links do not necessarily reflect my perspective.

Finding the Grace in Divorce

10 Tuesday Mar 2015

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Abraham banishes Hagar and Ishmael; Sarah and Isaac look on. Engraving by R. Parr after G. Hoet. Iconographic Collections

In seminary I researched the Malachi 2:13-16 text:

“And this you do as well: You cover the Lord’s altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor at your hand.  You ask, ‘Why does he not?’ Because the Lord was a witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.  Did not one God make her? Both flesh and spirit are his. And what does the one God desire? Godly offspring. So look to yourselves, and do not let anyone be faithless to the wife of his youth. For I hate divorce, says the Lord, the God of Israel, and covering one’s garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So take heed to yourselves and do not be faithless.” (NRSV)

A portion of my work on the Malachi 2 text was studying the word “divorce.”  The Hebrew word for divorce as seen in Malachi 2 is found two other places: when Abraham banishes Hagar and Ishmael into the wilderness and when David’s son Amnon throws David’s daughter Tamar out after he rapes her.

Divorce in those cases has to do with one person who has the privilege (usually the man in Biblical times) not taking care of the other person, leaving them destitute in body, mind and soul.  Likewise, the Malachi text pertains to abandoning one’s wife and leaving her to survive with little resources.

Divorce happens.  Sure, God dislikes divorce – nobody likes divorce.  We don’t head into marriage expecting that our covenant will end.  We truly hope that our marriages and relationships will triumph over the statistics.

But sometimes, divorce is inevitable.  The covenant is broken through abuse, infidelity and other trust issues.  Sometimes, after much counseling, a couple will divorce because the relationship is no longer healthy.  People will change over the years, and couples will try their hardest to make the relationship work, but in the end will find peace in the dissolution of the marriage.

Yet there can be faithfulness even in divorce.  When we see divorced couples working together for the sake of their children or amicably splitting property in divorce settlements, we see two people loving God and neighbor the best they can through a challenging time.

Lastly, God gives grace in divorce.  God wants us to find happiness and mercy in our lives, and I believe God wants us to abide in hope and find love again.  Even in the case of Abraham and Hagar, both were given God’s gift of descendants through both Isaac and Ishmael.  We will find that blessings in our lives as well.

A prayer for those divorcing or divorced:

God of the coupled and uncoupled,
You sit with us in the shadows of our souls.
Your hope feeds us and your grace quenches our thirst,
And through your nourishment, we find movement towards tomorrow.

Bless those who are currently journeying through the wilderness of divorce.
Help them to see their estranged spouse as a person created in your image.
Bless their efforts in amicable settlements and custody arrangements.
Help them find new ways of being family, even if family has taken a new form.

God, we know your grace is always pouring upon us
And so we ask that you help us see that grace
In the moments when hope seems far
And shame seems too close to us.

Amen.

What Color is That Dress???

01 Sunday Mar 2015

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This week, the internet burst with comments and postings to discuss this dress:

Photo Credit: Swiked/Tumblr

My first thought was “Who cares?  It’s just a dress.  There are more important issues to discuss than the color of a dress: poverty, homelessness, trafficking, hate crimes, health care…”

And that’s basically what I initially posted on social media.  In response to my post, a friend reminded me that this is more than a dress.

Riiiiiiiiiight!

I saw a white and gold dress.  Yes, the dress is undoubtedly white and gold.  Undoubtedly.  (Am I right?) As I looked longer at the photograph, I wondered if the dress could be blue and gold.  Was it lighting and shadows that gave me this doubt?  Was my brain playing tricks on me?

I still had no idea how people saw the lace as black.  I truly tried to see it from their perspective – squinting my eyes and staring harder.  But I could only see gold or brown, not black, lace.

Maybe if I stood on my head I could see a different color trim…

Articles were released on the scientific reasoning behind how we perceive color.  A combination of factors aided whether people saw blue and black or white and gold: how the eyes are picking up color, how the brain works, and the lighting of the room.  (Being that I’m not a scientist, I won’t try to explain this, but check out these articles HERE and HERE.)

If something so objective as color can divide people, how much more will subjective topics like religion and politics come between people?  The dress becomes a concrete symbol of how we can perceive things differently than the people closest to us.

After giving it further thought, I wrote this on social media:

If there’s more than one way to see the colors of a dress then maybe there’s more than one way to see God and faith.

In seminary, I learned of the Wesleyan Quadralateral, a system where one establishes their sources of authority on Scripture, reason, tradition and experience.  The way many of us study Scripture differs, and sometimes there are conflicting accounts in the Bible.  Translations also play an impact on how we read scripture.

We also come from a spectrum of traditions with each one highly influencing our theological core.  If we are Protestant, we may find that our teachings lean heavily from Martin Luther or John Calvin more often than St. Augustine or Thomas Aquinas, two theologians who influence the doctrine of the Roman Catholics.  Even our individual churches and families of origin impact the ways tradition influences our beliefs.

Additionally, experience is the great lens through which we see life.  When we gather the information around us through the filter of our own joys and pains, we see only small pieces of a larger picture.

And because of the lesson of the dress, we can see that our brains reason differently, a point which should always be taken into account.

My friend was right: the dress is more than a dress.  It begs us to understand that we won’t see the world as our neighbors and that everyone comes to their beliefs through a multi-layered lens.

Through the exercise of the dress and knowing how our brain works in gathering information, this is the time for us to become a more understanding people.  It’s time for us to stop the shame and name calling of people who have different political and theological perspectives than we hold.  It’s time for us to stop claiming that such-and-such people will go to hell or that they won’t be accepted by God.

It’s time for us to see that no matter what color dress, theology, politics, or anything else we have or see, we are fully accepted by God and made in God’s image.

Patricia, Sarah, and the Women with (Some) Privilege – A RevGalBlogPals Post

01 Sunday Mar 2015

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Here’s a post I wrote for RevGalBlogPals section The Pastor Is Political:

The Pastor is Political – Patricia, Sarah, and the Women with (Some) Privilege

Thriving in My Weakness: Breaking the Silence This Ash Wednesday

18 Wednesday Feb 2015

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ash headLast summer, when Robin Williams perished from suicide, more people began to come forth about their mental health struggles.  Many believed that if we spoke on the issue of mental health, others would feel like they could share their stories or find help.

My friend Kevin Necessary wrote his story for WCPO.  Another friend, the Rev. Sarah Lund, recently wrote the book “Blessed Are the Crazy: Breaking the Silence about Mental Illness, Family and Church.”  She shared her family’s struggles with mental health issues.  As others placed themselves in vulnerable spaces telling their stories, I began to feel the call to tell my story as well.  That’s when I realized I had to talk about my experiences.

In the summer of 1979, we were on our way from the St. Louis area to southern California to visit my aunt, uncle and cousin, and Disneyland too.  Somewhere in the state of Arizona or New Mexico, we stopped for dinner.  I was already a pretty anxious kid – not a fan of escalators, steps, slides and a host of other things.  But that evening, as a six year old, the least unusual thing happened: I discovered the first loose tooth in my mouth.

At that moment, I began to have my first panic attack.  Over a loose tooth.  But as experience has proven: you never know what will set off a panic attack.

Being that it was over 35 years ago, I can’t remember exactly how that first attack felt.  From what I can recall, I felt out of control and waves of nausea.  I couldn’t eat anything else that night.  Beginning that evening, my eating habits drastically changed.  I consumed very little each day due to the nauseating anxiety in my system.  I lost weight, and my mom did everything she could to help me find ways to eat.  My parents were beyond worried about me, but during eras when people never spoke of certain issues, I would imagine that it would be difficult to find your children the help they need.

Of course, this was in the late 1970’s.  People weren’t talking about childhood anxiety or mental health issues, and even speaking of one’s mental health illness was taboo.  Personally, I thought there was something wrong with my stomach.  I couldn’t put into words what I was going through.

As time went on, I sought help in trying to be find wellness in my soul, heart and mind, and this meant counseling sessions.  At the age of 16, as I headed into the office, I scoped the parking lot for any signs of people I knew.  I refused to let anyone know what I was going through.  I couldn’t let anyone know how flawed I was.  I would have been horrified if anyone knew I was in counseling.  Even my closest friends in high school never knew until years later.  Finally in college, I began to speak with friends about my anxiety, and over the years have been more and more open about this challenge in my life.  My sixteen year old self would never have imagined that I would ever speak or write publicly about this struggle.

I’d like to say that I’ve had my last one, but I know that’s not the case.  I’m on a life-long journey with anxiety and panic disorder.  It isn’t fully gone.  But I’ve learned how to live with it and take baby steps so that it doesn’t fully define who I am.  I realize now that I probably have a chemical or biological predisposition to anxiety or panic.  It’s not something I brought about on my own – six year olds typically don’t bring these things on themselves.  Even forty-somethings or sixty-somethings will have panic attacks happen without any real cause.

Sometimes, it’s been hard to see God in the midst of my anxiety.  I’m sure others find it hard to see God in the midst of their mental health issue – no matter the issue.  But during the other times, God is all I know and what I can see in the chaos.

Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12, “ ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.”

Today, to use the phraseology of Paul, I boast of this weakness of mine.  I boast not from pride, but because I feel free and light in being able to tell my story.  I boast because I see the presence of God in my weakness, and my relationships with God and others have grown closer in this vulnerable state.  And that means, like Paul, seeking contentment in this very vulnerable moment and becoming transparent will hopefully bring strength to the entire body of Christ.

Jesus called the most vulnerable to do his work.  Mary Magdalene found relief from her seven demons – which could have included many mental health issues.  And Jesus called her to be the first person to share the good news after the resurrection.  Paul didn’t exactly have the best track record with life as he persecuted others.  And yet God still called him.  God called Jacob after he deceived his brother, Abraham after dismissing Hagar and Ishmael, David after his indiscretions, and Levi even though his career brought pain to others.

With God, there is grace and there is a future in our weaknesses and vulnerability.  There are second chances to be had and given.

Like dust, like ashes, and even like the powdery snow outside, we are vulnerable.  We are blown by the wind because of the frailty of our human condition.  But in that vulnerability, in that powdery, dusty mess that we humans are, we find our strength.  We find out where God is because sometimes, all we have is God.  And then we start to find each other as we all share our struggles.  To believe that any of us don’t struggle with something is a fallacy.  It’s unrealistic to believe such things.

Our next step in the process is finding the strength to be transparent about some of these struggles – especially once we’ve found some healing and can testify to God’s presence in our healing.

When I tell my story, I feel like this is the most vulnerable place I’ve been.  Like I said – I never realized that 25 years ago or even a year ago I would feel the call to stand up and speak my truth.  But this story needs to be told because maybe a parent out there will recognize that their child has anxiety and panic disorder and will find help for their child.  Maybe one of you will realize that there is no shame in receiving help – whether that help is counseling or medication, whether it’s for anxiety, depression, bipolar or a number of other mental-health related issues.  We may feel that it’s necessary to keep being strong, but actually, we will be healthier if we just admit that we are weak and get the help we need.

And that is why we take this time during Lent to raise all of the voices who break the silence on stigmatic issues.  I stand with all of my sisters and brothers who have the courage to live in the boldness of their frailty.  When we are able to say, “I’m as strong as ashes, and I’m mortal and messy,” then we can move into new ways of relating to God and one another.

Ash Wednesday is the day where we remember that we are mortal, not perfect, vulnerable, and limited.  And we rejoice in our weaknesses.  We thank God that we can come together as limited humans, in our brokenness and dustiness to celebrate the strength in our weakness and transparency.

A Prayer for the Lone Ones on Valentine’s Day

14 Saturday Feb 2015

Posted by in Current Events, Holidays, Life, Pop, Pop Culture, Religion

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imageAs someone who often writes on marital status and the church, I feel it necessary to remember those who endure Valentine’s Day on their own.  People splash their privilege of dates and gifts on social media leaving others to feel even more isolated and expendable.  From my experience, Valentine’s Day gives privilege to the haves – whether it’s haves of money or love.  During the many years when I was single on Valentine’s Day, my soul felt so insignificant.  Now that I do have a Valentine with whom I can share my day and my heart, I feel blessed but I must still remember the loneliness that this day will bring many, and urge all of us to send our love to those who struggle today.

God of the broken hearts
And the lonely souls,
On this day reserved for those “loved”
Those who seem so “whole”
Give us the peace of knowing we are complete.

Just as we are.
Today.

On this life-long journey
We wander in the wilderness, sometimes.
And sometimes, we wander that wilderness alone.

We set aside our celebrations
Of pink and red and sparkles
To give our hearts to those who dwell in solitude.
May they discover joy outside of the expectations
That this day brings
And in spite of the chocolates and roses and dinners by candlelight.

For those whose singlehood is new
After a recent break in their lives
God, fill their hearts with peace
And may they see the expanding lights of hope.

For those who have been single year after year
In the shadow-filled tunnels of silence-
Those who wonder when their turn at love will arrive
And feel trapped in exile-
Open their hearts to all possibilities.
Guide them out of the wilderness.

For those who have lost loves to death
And their person abides on that side of heaven,
Uplift their spirits.
Take away the pangs of grief.
Bring light into their lives again.

For those who ache
Wondering if their love will last,
Spark their hearts with the flame of renewal
And may love rise from the ashes.

On this human-created day where some have so much
and others are empty,
Scatter your energy around, God,
So that hope abounds
And joy will be embraced again.