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Michelle L. Torigian

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Michelle L. Torigian

Tag Archives: Panic disorder

Ted Lasso, World Mental Health Day, and My Story

10 Sunday Oct 2021

Posted by mictori in Current Events, Life, National Day Prayers, Pop

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

anxiety disorder, Mental health, Mental Health Issues, Panic attacks, Panic disorder, progressive Christianity, World Mental Health Day

Photo from https://www.apple.com/tv-pr/originals/ted-lasso/
Photo from https://www.apple.com/tv-pr/originals/ted-lasso/

Like many of you out there, I’ve become a fan of Ted Lasso. (I probably should say that I’m now a superfan of Ted Lasso, considering all of the times I’ve watched the series all the way through.) Ted provides a leadership that is constructive and encouraging of the team – from its owner to the players to all who work for the Richmond team.

There’s a piece of the story that I believe is crucial to write about today, World Mental Health Day. (Friends: this part might contain spoilers, so turn back now if you do not want to know what will happen before the end of season two.)

In the first season (or series, as it’s called in Britain), Ted has a panic attack one night during the team Karaoke event. The owner of the team talks him through his attack, supportive of his struggles from their early days together.

In the second season, Ted has another panic attack during a game. I’m not sure what brings this one on, and I don’t think it really matters to the viewers. The most important piece is that Ted has a panic attack and must face what is happening.

Ted begins to open up to the people closest to him that the reason he left the game was due to a panic attack. And one of his confidants (Nate!) discloses this anxiety event to the press. Up until that point, Ted’s mental health issue is not public knowledge. Yet, Ted decides that talking about it with the world is crucial to bringing an end to the stigma of mental health and sports. In fact, the entire season focuses on mental health, as Dr. Sharon Fieldstone helps out the Richmond players with their own struggles.

What a blessing the story has been for the movement towards mental health. As someone who struggles with anxiety and panic disorders, I identified well with Ted’s journey. (I first wrote about my childhood journey here.) When Nate outs Ted’s panic disorder, I became very angry. “How could he do such a thing! It’s not his story!” I thought to myself. Nate attempted to discredit and shame Ted through sharing such personal information. I didn’t care how much Nate was struggling himself; I was extremely angry that a person used a health struggle to damage the reputation of another human being.

I suppose I felt embarrassed for Ted. I felt the shame that was surrounding him and that others imposed on him. And yet, when it comes down to it, why was there shame? Ted began to address the struggles. Ted went back to work the next day. Ted opened up and spoke about it to normalize the experience.

More people than we realize struggle with mental health issues. From anxiety to depression to personality disorders to being bipolar, many of our neighbors go through temporary and life-long struggles with mental health issues. But in our struggles, we feel alone. We feel like no one else is going through what we are enduring. I felt that way as I child and sometimes as I got older. But then people began to talk about it, and I spoke about it – not just to be transparent in my journey but to help someone else as they go through something similar. I give thanks for my friend Rev. Dr. Sarah Griffith Lund who has been an inspiration to me writing about my journey. I find her books Blessed Are the Crazy: Breaking the Silence About Mental Illness, Family, and Church as well as Blessed Union: Breaking the Silence about Mental Illness and Marriage incredibly important for progressive Christianity. Like Dr. Lund, I am encouraging of anyone enduring mental health issues to seek help through a counselor and medication as well as other self-care activities. And like Dr. Lund (and Ted Lasso!), I am open to sharing my story as well.

Again, you can read something I wrote years ago here. But also, I’ve written a chapter in the forthcoming book When Kids Ask the Hard Questions, Volume 2: More Faith-Filled Responses for Tough Topics (edited by Bromleigh McCleneghan and Karen Ware Jackson). This chapter includes encouragement for parents to seek help if their child has anxiety or any other mental health issue. Children or adults should not feel alone in their journey, and if I can help one person feel less alone, then sharing my story is well worth it. I highly encourage you to check out this book because of the myriad of topics included. Children and parents should never feel alone in any struggles.

Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:

“ ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.”

As I said in my previous post regarding my story:

Today, to use the phraseology of Paul, I boast of this weakness of mine.  I boast not from pride, but because I feel free and light in being able to tell my story.  I boast because I see the presence of God in my weakness, and my relationships with God and others have grown closer in this vulnerable state.  And that means, like Paul, seeking contentment in this very vulnerable moment and becoming transparent will hopefully bring strength to the entire body of Christ.

So today, on World Mental Health Day, I celebrate the stories of others who became a little vulnerable to be honest so that others feel less alone. And I celebrate my story – because it shows both my vulnerability and resilience, knowing through baby steps and the strength of God finding a wholeness is possible.

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Mental Health Litany of Wholeness

29 Saturday Feb 2020

Posted by mictori in Church Life, Health, Liturgy, Pop

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Addiction, anxiety, depression, Health, John 14, Litany, Liturgy, Mental health, Mental Health Issues, mental health worship, Panic disorder, PTSD, wellness

1B383ED3-3164-4422-AD6B-07D5C0BCAA57
Scripture
John 14:26-27

One: “The Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you everything, and remind you of all that I have said to you. 27Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid.”

Entry into Healing

One: When the world is topsy turvy around me, and I can’t see reality clearly.  When the medications haven’t clicked in, and I find myself in a manic state, or when depression is weighing me down.  Is this a panic attack coming on?!?

(Sets a medicine bottle on altar/table)

All: Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid.

One: This substance helps me avoid the discomfort of life.  And now, it’s tough to set it down. I need it to function. I need it so I don’t feel everything.  It brings relief… and it’s a weight.

(Sets a weight on altar/table)

All: Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid.

One: Trauma from war has clouded my brain.  All of a sudden mental pictures flash in my mind.  Will these visions ever leave?

(Sets a photo from veterans’ memorial on altar/table)

All: Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid.

One: My dad can’t remember what he had for lunch earlier today.  And he no longer knows my name.

(Takes off name tag from neck and sets it on altar/table)

All: Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid.

One: When you lose a spouse, you lose a part of yourself.  I haven’t been able to sleep as well. I’m not like I was before their death.

(Sets a box of tissues on altar/table)

All: Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid.

One: So many in my pews are hurting – grief and depression, anxiety and trauma, addictions, caregiving.  Where do I go next?

(Sets a stole on altar/table)

All: Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid.

Scripture Isaiah 41:10

One: “Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.”

The candle is lit.

Prayer of Healing

Gracious God, Divine Travel Companion,

On this journey filled with worry and grief, our souls feel unsettled.  Our hearts rattle with the notion that something about our bodies and minds will fail.  Will illness and death surround us? Will the ones we love desert us?

Such anxiety sometimes needs additional help, God.  We thank you for counselors, therapists, psychologists, and others who offer a listening ear and constructive feedback.  With their help, we may begin to understand ourselves in new ways.

Bless the medications that we take each day which keeps our minds and our bodies in balance.  Bless the doctors who prescribe and consult and the pharmacists who care for our safety.

Bless the clergy who offer prayers when life crumbles and who will rush to bedsides when illness has overtaken us.  We give gratitude for their words of comfort when grief rolls in like storm clouds.

Through our trauma and our mourning, our anxiety and depression, when substances take the place of healthy living, and as our bodies begin to fail us, comfort us on this journey.  May your peace strengthen us. May your warmth give us hope for the future. Through your gifts and your presence, we see a future with hope.

Amen.

(c) Michelle L. Torigian 2020 – – Permission to use with attribution

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A Prayer for Anxiety – RevGalBlogPals

16 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by mictori in Life, Pop

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anxiety, anxiety disorder, Mental health, Mental Health Issues, panic, Panic disorder, RevGalBlogPals

Please visit the RevGalBlogPals link below for the Tuesday Prayer on anxiety and panic disorders.

God who created the expanding universe and designed each atom which dances in our world- let’s talk about anxiety for a minute. Why is it that my mind churns night and day wondering and worrying? Why is my heart racing, and why do I feel overwhelming nausea? Why do I feel like I can’t move […]

via Tuesday Prayer — RevGalBlogPals

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Thriving in My Weakness: Breaking the Silence This Ash Wednesday

18 Wednesday Feb 2015

Posted by mictori in Church Life, Current Events, Holidays, Life, Religion

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

2 Corinthians 12, anxiety disorder, Ash Wednesday, ashes, childhood anxiety disorder, childhood mental health, demons, dust, Mary Magdalene, Mental health, Panic disorder, power in our weakness

ash headLast summer, when Robin Williams perished from suicide, more people began to come forth about their mental health struggles.  Many believed that if we spoke on the issue of mental health, others would feel like they could share their stories or find help.

My friend Kevin Necessary wrote his story for WCPO.  Another friend, the Rev. Sarah Lund, recently wrote the book “Blessed Are the Crazy: Breaking the Silence about Mental Illness, Family and Church.”  She shared her family’s struggles with mental health issues.  As others placed themselves in vulnerable spaces telling their stories, I began to feel the call to tell my story as well.  That’s when I realized I had to talk about my experiences.

In the summer of 1979, we were on our way from the St. Louis area to southern California to visit my aunt, uncle and cousin, and Disneyland too.  Somewhere in the state of Arizona or New Mexico, we stopped for dinner.  I was already a pretty anxious kid – not a fan of escalators, steps, slides and a host of other things.  But that evening, as a six year old, the least unusual thing happened: I discovered the first loose tooth in my mouth.

At that moment, I began to have my first panic attack.  Over a loose tooth.  But as experience has proven: you never know what will set off a panic attack.

Being that it was over 35 years ago, I can’t remember exactly how that first attack felt.  From what I can recall, I felt out of control and waves of nausea.  I couldn’t eat anything else that night.  Beginning that evening, my eating habits drastically changed.  I consumed very little each day due to the nauseating anxiety in my system.  I lost weight, and my mom did everything she could to help me find ways to eat.  My parents were beyond worried about me, but during eras when people never spoke of certain issues, I would imagine that it would be difficult to find your children the help they need.

Of course, this was in the late 1970’s.  People weren’t talking about childhood anxiety or mental health issues, and even speaking of one’s mental health illness was taboo.  Personally, I thought there was something wrong with my stomach.  I couldn’t put into words what I was going through.

As time went on, I sought help in trying to be find wellness in my soul, heart and mind, and this meant counseling sessions.  At the age of 16, as I headed into the office, I scoped the parking lot for any signs of people I knew.  I refused to let anyone know what I was going through.  I couldn’t let anyone know how flawed I was.  I would have been horrified if anyone knew I was in counseling.  Even my closest friends in high school never knew until years later.  Finally in college, I began to speak with friends about my anxiety, and over the years have been more and more open about this challenge in my life.  My sixteen year old self would never have imagined that I would ever speak or write publicly about this struggle.

I’d like to say that I’ve had my last one, but I know that’s not the case.  I’m on a life-long journey with anxiety and panic disorder.  It isn’t fully gone.  But I’ve learned how to live with it and take baby steps so that it doesn’t fully define who I am.  I realize now that I probably have a chemical or biological predisposition to anxiety or panic.  It’s not something I brought about on my own – six year olds typically don’t bring these things on themselves.  Even forty-somethings or sixty-somethings will have panic attacks happen without any real cause.

Sometimes, it’s been hard to see God in the midst of my anxiety.  I’m sure others find it hard to see God in the midst of their mental health issue – no matter the issue.  But during the other times, God is all I know and what I can see in the chaos.

Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12, “ ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.”

Today, to use the phraseology of Paul, I boast of this weakness of mine.  I boast not from pride, but because I feel free and light in being able to tell my story.  I boast because I see the presence of God in my weakness, and my relationships with God and others have grown closer in this vulnerable state.  And that means, like Paul, seeking contentment in this very vulnerable moment and becoming transparent will hopefully bring strength to the entire body of Christ.

Jesus called the most vulnerable to do his work.  Mary Magdalene found relief from her seven demons – which could have included many mental health issues.  And Jesus called her to be the first person to share the good news after the resurrection.  Paul didn’t exactly have the best track record with life as he persecuted others.  And yet God still called him.  God called Jacob after he deceived his brother, Abraham after dismissing Hagar and Ishmael, David after his indiscretions, and Levi even though his career brought pain to others.

With God, there is grace and there is a future in our weaknesses and vulnerability.  There are second chances to be had and given.

Like dust, like ashes, and even like the powdery snow outside, we are vulnerable.  We are blown by the wind because of the frailty of our human condition.  But in that vulnerability, in that powdery, dusty mess that we humans are, we find our strength.  We find out where God is because sometimes, all we have is God.  And then we start to find each other as we all share our struggles.  To believe that any of us don’t struggle with something is a fallacy.  It’s unrealistic to believe such things.

Our next step in the process is finding the strength to be transparent about some of these struggles – especially once we’ve found some healing and can testify to God’s presence in our healing.

When I tell my story, I feel like this is the most vulnerable place I’ve been.  Like I said – I never realized that 25 years ago or even a year ago I would feel the call to stand up and speak my truth.  But this story needs to be told because maybe a parent out there will recognize that their child has anxiety and panic disorder and will find help for their child.  Maybe one of you will realize that there is no shame in receiving help – whether that help is counseling or medication, whether it’s for anxiety, depression, bipolar or a number of other mental-health related issues.  We may feel that it’s necessary to keep being strong, but actually, we will be healthier if we just admit that we are weak and get the help we need.

And that is why we take this time during Lent to raise all of the voices who break the silence on stigmatic issues.  I stand with all of my sisters and brothers who have the courage to live in the boldness of their frailty.  When we are able to say, “I’m as strong as ashes, and I’m mortal and messy,” then we can move into new ways of relating to God and one another.

Ash Wednesday is the day where we remember that we are mortal, not perfect, vulnerable, and limited.  And we rejoice in our weaknesses.  We thank God that we can come together as limited humans, in our brokenness and dustiness to celebrate the strength in our weakness and transparency.

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A Life of Baby Steps

06 Monday Oct 2014

Posted by mictori in Church Life, Current Events, Life, Religion

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

#blessedarethecrazy, anxiety, anxiety disorder, blessed are the crazy, childhood, Mary Magdalene, Mental health, mental health awareness week, panic, Panic disorder, what seven demons

 

In the late 1970’s, there was a six-year-old girl who was afraid of everything. From going down slides to walking down stairs to taking an escalator to approaching dogs, life scared her and fed into her perpetual sense of unease.

Then one day, while sitting in a restaurant somewhere in the southwestern United States, this six-year-old’s tooth became loose. Not only did unease fill her body, but her heart started beating fast, she began to hyperventilate and her appetite ceased to exist.

Throughout the summer, panic came over her body before almost every meal and, often, out of nowhere. Life for this little girl changes from her semi-anxious state to deep fear and her yearning to leave her own body.

As time went on, this little girl had no idea how to articulate her panic to her family. “My stomach hurts,” she would say to her parents. “I don’t feel like eating tonight.” Her parents became more and more concerned as her tiny little frame continued to shrink. While she was able to eat small portions, her weight dropped. Doctors could only medicate the symptoms – usually some type of green liquid stomach medication. Eventually, her sleep was affected as well, waking up as early as 4:30 or 5 a.m. with the dry heaves and trembling body.

Panic and anxiety attacks were her norm. She never knew how to relax herself. She didn’t know how to escape this inner turmoil. But even though her body was ridden with panic and anxiety, she missed a total of a half a day of school from her illness. She knew how to live with anxiety and panic disorders.

For many years, no one ever knew about this…

This is my story.

***

Granted, it’s been well over 30 years since my first attack. I’ve learned how to live and function as needed with these disorders. Yet, life has not been easy. I never knew how to articulate myself to my family, and I often lived in a state of deep discomfort. It’s taken many baby steps to do the small tasks many people have no problem to undertake.

As I like to say: one small step for a human is a giant leap for my kind.

I’ve been fortunate to have been able to adapt to my mental health issues. Panic and anxiety do not hamper my job, but my relationship with these mental health issues continues to be a lifelong journey.

In my case, I’m blessed. It rarely, if ever, holds me back. I suppose having to live with these conditions as a small child afforded me the opportunity to adapt. Granted, I still have problems driving over huge bridges (like the Sunshine Skyway in Florida). Unlike most of you reading this, I must take baby steps in order to feel comfortable undertaking certain activities. Yes, this makes me quirky, but aren’t we all?

I never plan on riding a roller coaster. Thinking about skydiving makes my palms sweat. But these are activities that I never have to do. While I have minimal problems flying domestically, taking a flight over to Europe may require me to learn how to relax myself on the eight to ten hour flight. I still plan on taking this trip because my desire to live a full life in the face of these struggles is my goal and my hope.

Even though I’ve faced these issues, I love to take on projects, and panic and anxiety have never held me back from much. I can lead organizations, speak in public and be successful in whatever I choose to achieve. I do think in accepting a lifestyle of baby steps and living a full life with panic and anxiety disorders has made me the person I am today. I have become a person of grace and understanding. I know that I am never defined by this one weakness. But just like everyone has one or two burdens to bear in their lives, this is mine.

Unfortunately, there are loved-ones of ours who have half-lives because of mental health issues. There are people who rarely leave their homes and are unable to work. How can we make our systemic health care issues more manageable for everyone?

Keeping our silence is isolating. I kept a small piece of Dramamine with me when I was in high school, just in case I felt a panic attack coming on. My friends never knew. Only a few in my family were aware of my struggle. The first time I admitted it to a friend, I was 19 years old. The first time I met someone else who had panic attacks as a child, I was 28 years old. It was an illuminating moment to realize that I was not the only person to struggle with childhood anxiety and panic. It also made me realize that this is an illness that needs more attention. I thank friends of mine who have gone public about their mental health issues. Their courage to tell their story is what leads me to write this post today.

There is huge amounts of shame talking about this. I’ll say it – I’m a total overachiever, and I care what others think. I never want to admit that I have any sort of life weakness. As I type this, I feel extremely vulnerable and am second-guessing this post. But this is no longer just about me…

Today I decided to end the silence to help young people struggling with these issues. Children should never have to struggle in silence. The stigma is decreasing, and more help is available than when I was a six-year-old child. Granted, I’m sure some people may be shocked to read my story. But I felt that my silence only continues to feed the childhood struggle with mental health issues.

At six-years-old, I wish that I could have articulated my struggle. I wish I could have told people the issues I faced. I wish that I could have been bolder throughout the years and become an advocate for childhood mental illness. Today, I feel like I’m taking the first step in this advocacy. Will you join me to stand up for the children who can’t articulate this struggle? If you are a parent or guardian of a child who exhibits symptoms of anxiety, how can you help your child name her or his issues?

Finally, I am grateful for the Biblical witness of Mary Magdalene. As a woman with seven demons, her life was not over. Jesus gave her the chance to be the first person to share the good news of the resurrection. No matter if was panic disorder, anxiety attacks, depression, bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, Jesus still called her to be a leader in the early church. Likewise, there is a future for all people who struggle with any type of mental health issues, including panic and anxiety disorder. Let us find the peace and healing power of Christ to move forward, knowing that the Divine is with us as we take our baby steps.

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