Tag Archives: shame

A Prayer for the Ones Not Believed

21 Friday Sep 2018

Posted by in Life, Pop, Prayers

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DF9B4F19-B887-4D73-84EB-1A6D4B6CE86FGod of the vocal cords and facial expressions and gestures…

Sometimes there are times when we remain quiet in our trauma. Sometimes we wonder if our words matter and our bravery will transcend injustice.

But most of the time we remember the experience when our words evaporated quickly after attempting to express ourselves.

Do we say anything if we know it will fall on closed ears? And the tougher question with which to wrestle is this: what if they turn it around and the blame falls on us?

We become the Eves and the Gomers and the Jezebels when we assert our value. And we think to ourselves “why bother???”

So when we are questioned years later as to why we remained silent, hopefully they will understand. Hopefully.

(You understand this God, right?)

A slow triumph- the stories are emerging. They linger longer and fill our world with much-needed discomfort.

And through you, Holy Narrative, we find our voices. Your strength and courage deliver us from trauma to peace and from injustice to righteousness.

I believe the stories. You believe them too, God.

Let’s do this.

Amen.

A Prayer in the Face of Misogyny

18 Saturday Nov 2017

Posted by in Current Events, Life, Pop

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God, you’ve seen the way the Bible has twisted the lives of Eve and Vashti and Tamar and Mary Magdalene…

And you see how the stories and images of women are twisted today.

We are tired, Mother God.

We are tired of the b-word and the frequent use of the words “whore” and “slut.” We are tired when people in power obviously work to intimidate us more than the men in our lives. We are tired when we are spoken over or told how we should feel. We are tired when we speak out and not believed. We are tired when our sheroes are attacked with greater fervor than the men who hold power. We are tired wheb being refused jobs because of gender (because, let’s face it, our reproductive organs have nothing to do with our qualifications). We are tired of the shame that comes with being born a daughter of Eve.

We are tired that Mother is not a good enough title for you, God.

We are tired of the little comments made to us or about us that make us feel less than human. We are tired of the larger ways our bodies and our accomplishments are tossed aside or belittled. Our energy is spent in ensuring that humanity sees us with the same dignity as cisgender men. Our sisters of color and our transgender siblings must spend even more of their spirits than we who are white women trying to achieve this dignity.

We are exhausted to hear how we should be grateful for the crumbs that have been scattered for us.

Crumbs are no longer enough. We are more than b*tches and whores and ditzes and witches. We will speak out when our voices are ignored, and we will no longer keep our stories silent.

We are worth every single piece of energy you used to mold us in your image. We are your children and deserve the inheritance of your kin-dom on earth as much as our male siblings.

You stand on the side of justice, and one day we will be equal in the eyes of our neighbors just like we are equal in your eyes.

Amen.

We Have a Sex Problem, Christianity

29 Friday May 2015

Posted by in Church Life, Life, Pop, Pop Culture, Religion, Television

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Christianity has a sex problem.

When it comes to physically intimate acts, by reputation Christians are known to disallow any acts between anyone except a married heterosexual couple.  Those who are single, co-habitating, and any LGBT person must remain completely and totally chaste.  Many intimate acts, including kissing (in some religious sects), are absolutely wrong in premarital relationships.

So when we hear stories of a fundamentalist Christian teen who molests multiple minor girls, we notice mixed reactions.  Some believe it’s like all other sexual sins – no more or less sinful.  Others name the acts of molestation as a more heinous crime.

The problem comes down to whether we see sex outside of marriage as breaking a legal code or something that has the potential of being a healthy act.  More conserving Christians will note that all sexual acts outside of heterosexual marriage are sinful.  They may even imply that ALL sexual acts not in the confines of marriage are equally sinful.  And they may even mention that everyone is an equal opportunity sinner.

Like many other progressive Christians, I personally don’t think that all sexual acts outside of marriage are considered sinful. Yes, this is absolutely contradictory to what the loudest people in Christianity believe.  But after placing Scripture in conversation with reason, tradition, experience together, I see that sometimes, there are no definite answers to whether someone should engage in sex outside of marriage.  Instead, there are many questions that arise: Is the situation healthy and safe?  Do both people respect one another?  Is anyone being hurt by this encounter?

For a moment, let’s put aside our differences. For those who still may believe that intimacy should not be outside of marriage, we must come together to considered one factor: some sexual acts are more devastating and painful, thus making them more sinful.  And the reason is the lack of consent.

Two consenting people having sex may just be two consenting people having sex. It’s a potentially healthy expression of the way two people like/respect/admire/love one another.  Not everyone will feel it is right to engage in premarital sex before marriage.  People who wait shouldn’t be called names and shamed – just like people who engage in sex before marriage should not be shamed.  Individual choice should be respected – as long as people are being healthy and safe.  We must respect that some people will engage in sex outside of marriage and others will not, and we must be as loving as possible to someone no matter which they choose.

But here’s when we get into a problem.  There is a HUGE difference in how we see God in relation to our sex lives.  Some will see God’s presence and blessing in an intimate consensual relationship prior to marriage.  Others will see God’s condemnation.  Some will pray to God to bless their sexual union.  Others believe God wants nothing to do with our sex lives – especially outside of marriage.

No matter which side of the conversation we fall, most of us can probably agree that sometimes there’s sin involved in sex – especially when one person is using the other, levying their power over their partner, or manipulating another person into sexual acts.  When we hear stories of rape, sexual assault, molestation, drugging a person to have sex, taking advantage of a drunk or drugged person, and touching someone inappropriately, we are listening to non-consensual sexual encounters.  Because these acts damage the relationship between God, neighbor and self, sexual abuse is, undoubtedly, sin.  Additionally some sexual encounters within an unhealthy marriage are sinful as well, notably when one spouse requires the other to become intimate.

I’m extremely tired of hearing “all sin is equal sin.”  No, that’s not the case.  When two people are expressing love or respect to one another, that is not damaging to God and neighbor like when one person is levying power over another person.  These two acts are not even in the same ball park.  I may sound like I’m judging, but when you hear the pain that comes from many women’s experience with sexual abuse, it’s time to change the system.

Just because Deuteronomy 22:38-39 says that a man can rape a woman (as long as he marries her) does not mean he should treat the woman like an object.  Additionally, just because Lot offered his daughters to be raped while they still lived in Sodom doesn’t mean we can look the other way when women’s bodies are used as commodities.  Likewise, it wasn’t right when they had non-consensual sex with their father to get pregnant.  And it wasn’t ethical when King Xerxes banished Vashti when she refused to be objectified.

Just because the epistles mention that women must submit their lives to their husbands (1 Peter 3, 1 Corinthians 7:4) does not mean men have the right to rape their wives.

We must thoroughly research scriptures which require a woman to have sex with her husband each night or when she isn’t in the mood.  If anyone is manipulating their spouse or partner into sex, it isn’t consensual.  When webpages exist that are dedicated to making sure women are required to have sex with their husbands each time he wants it (because it’s God’s will), then we have a sex problem, Christianity.  When people are considered bad when they have sex prior to marriage and then bad when they don’t have sex after marriage, then we have a sex problem, Christianity.  When your sex rules don’t include Leviticus 18:19 but absolutely must include Leviticus 18:22, then we have a sex problem Christianity.  When Christian groups have materials that blame women for being molested and raped based on how they are acting or what they are wearing, then we have a sex problem, Christianity.

When we don’t look at the bigger picture with the Duggars’ situation, we have a problem with sex, Christianity.  Josh was 14 when he sexually abused minor females.  And Jim-Bob decides to swiftly and silently sweep the situation under the rug.  But did anyone ask how these women are?  Do any of the statements given mention the pain, shame, and humiliation that the women experienced?  Did anyone ask if Josh was abused at some point?  (Many abusers have been abused in the past.)  Does anyone wonder if Josh has experienced the help he needs so that he’s not putting other people at risk?  This isn’t just about judging or forgiveness.  It’s stopping unhealthy patterns so that the cycle of abuse stops.  It’s making sure that those who have been hurt can find new life.

Undoubtedly, God will forgive Josh – just like God will forgive all of us.  That’s what unconditional grace is about.  But this doesn’t mean that his actions are far from gone in the lives of five females.  This doesn’t mean that they are ready to forgive him.  This isn’t the time for us to rush to forgiveness.  This is time for us to understand what healthy sexuality is, find ways to have conversations so that more 14 year old children don’t feel compelled to abuse their sibling, and stop parents from sweeping the problem under the rug.  This is time for us to extend our hand of grace to these five girls so that they won’t feel the shame that they probably carry in their hearts.

Christianity, let’s look at what sex, consent, and sin mean.  It’s time for us to change the language of appropriate sex from “good” and “bad” to “unhealthy,” “healthy,” and “consensual.”  God’s ready for our conversation.  Are we?

 The current version of this post has been edited from the original.

The Snowball Effect of Shame

30 Wednesday Oct 2013

Posted by in Life, Movies, Pop, Pop Culture, Religion

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20131030-160603.jpgThere is nothing harder in this life than forgiving oneself.

We all make mistakes. It’s part of the human condition. The “fall of humans” didn’t start from a major mistake but one that snowballed from a minor, stupid choice. The major problem that arose from the disobedience wasn’t the disobedience itself but from the shame they took upon themselves when making that choice. It wasn’t “God, we make a terrible choice. We’re sorry. Let’s just keep moving forward.” No. When they truly came to terms of the missteps in their life, they hid from God.

It becomes a snowball effect.

The man then blames the woman for the choices they made. In turn, the woman points her finger at the snake. There was no owning their issues and asking to patch their relationship with God. Instead, they embraced blame instead of responsibility and shame instead of grace.

Remember the movie Thelma and Louise? Thelma nearly gets raped by a stranger in a bar. Louise ends up killing the man. As Thelma wants to go to the authorities about potential rape and murder that followed, Louise reminds her that they wouldn’t believe they were protecting themselves from assault. Instead, they find themselves on the run, knowing that if they were to get caught or turn themselves in, their lives would be spent in prison.

They continue to commit crime after crime in an effort to live free from a definite jail sentence. Eventually, they are forced to turn themselves in or drive off of the Grand Canyon. Thelma and Louise choose the latter as they decide their death equals freedom.

I wonder if they experienced moral injury when they killed Louise’s assaulter. If they would have given themselves grace for the choices they needed to make, could have found a different way of living?

Are we like Adam and Eve or Thelma and Louise? Whether we make a mistake consciously, were manipulated had to commit an act to save our lives, do we hang on to the guilt of that one incident forever? Do we let one incident in our lives dictate the rest of the way our lives go? Do we hold on to shame from our past which destroys our future?

If we can embrace our mistakes soon after we make them, maybe we can embrace grace a little sooner.

I think it’s wonderful in the Jewish tradition that they have Yom Kippur, the day of atonement and a day to reflect upon reconciliation. In Catholicism, they have the sacrament of reconciliation as they process their deeds aloud. But in Protestantism, there is no particular day or sacrament where we ask for forgiveness. Some of our churches have prayers of reconciliation or forgiveness each week, but do we invest much energy in the effort to make all right with God, one another or ourselves? So maybe on Reformation Day, the remembrance of Luther’s mandate of “grace alone,” we can take the opportunity to allow hand our past mistakes over to God and embrace grace.

Shame is Humanity’s Worst Illness

20 Thursday Jun 2013

Posted by in Current Events, Life, Music, Pop, Pop Culture

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Recently, Melissa Etheridge called out Angelina Jolie’s choice to have a double-mastectomy as “fearful.” Etheridge commented that nutrition and stress cause cancer to begin in the body.

Unfortunately, Etheridge did nothing to help the stigma that already comes with cancer. Sure, not all cancers have stigmas. But when we hear that someone has cancer, often the first thing that comes to our mind was “they took care of themselves” or “they didn’t take good enough care of themselves.”

Through Ethridge’s words, shame was imposed upon someone else’s tough choice.

Shame and stigma seeps into each part of our daily lives, from our meal choices, to how we parent, to how we schedule our day.

According to the Bible, it didn’t take humans long to experience shame. Just one mistake and shame became so embedded in their souls. They experienced the shame even before God called them out on their actions.

Life is full of regrets. Of course, we should always continue to reevaluate our actions to make sure we aren’t damaging our neighbors, creation or ourselves. But, at some point, shame becomes so deeply a part of who we are that it holds us back from enjoying life and relationships.

As we continuously live under the umbrella of shame, whether our own or the shame we impose on others, we will never find the good enough in our lives. There is no room for grace or mercy. There is only room to live in perfection.

Perfection will never happen.

Jesus tried to banish shame when he touched the unclean. Yet, that message has not stuck well with Christians. If it had, people wouldn’t look down upon those with HIV/AIDS, STD’s or a variety of other “lifestyle” acquiring diseases. Jesus showered the woman at the well with grace and, yet, we manage to continue to shame people who have had divorces or multiple marriages. (Take for instance a comment recently made about Kate Winslet on being pregnant with her third child by a third husband.)

I remember in my seminary New Testament class with Stephen Patterson that he mentioned disease was the physical ailment and illness was the social stigma that accompanied many illnesses. While we may not look at the exact same things as unclean in the 21st century, we still have shame and stigmas associated with behavior and appearances.

Does it matter that someone had a child out of wedlock or got divorced? Does it matter that the person at the fast food restaurant is overweight? Does it matter that someone caught an illness because of an action or choice they made? Why do we shame women who breast feed or don’t breast feed? Why do we shame women for becoming stay-at-home moms or working full time? (And why is so much shame pour out on women?) Isn’t it tough for each of us to live day-to-day that maybe we should grant others a little bit of grace and mercy that we, ourselves, have also received?