Category Archives: Life

Single in the Sanctuary: Walking Away

02 Monday May 2016

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imageYesterday marked the 18th anniversary of ending a very unhealthy relationship.  I had just turned 25 years old.

This former relationship was toxic, verbally abusive and robbed my soul of its joy.  I thought I could change him.  I thought it was me that was causing the issue.  I tried to better myself as much as I could for him, but all of it wasn’t enough.

About every other night while dating him, I could tell he was drinking, and on those nights he would tell me everything I was doing wrong.  He became a different person on those nights.

I could not stop him from drinking or from the result of alcohol in his system: ugly words being tossed at me and accusatory statements being hurled my way.

After being degraded to small pieces within this relationship, I felt like nothing.  I wasn’t sure who would want me because he told me repeatedly that he was the best guy with whom I would ever date.  I had been worn down.

Of course, all of us have faults within a relationship.  But when verbal abuse is present, our agency to better the relationship is limited.  Whatever that is holy within any type of abusive relationship no longer exists.

My greatest fault was that I couldn’t convince myself to walk away sooner.  I couldn’t focus on the value of my own heart and soul and being.

I haven’t written much about it in detail.  As time goes on I will write in detail how my mom had to comfort me on mornings when my eyes were puffy from crying the night before.  I will write in detail how my sister used to tell me that this was an abusive relationship – even though I wasn’t being hit.  And I will write in detail how there was a small piece of me that wished he would hit me so I knew definitely that it was a toxic relationship.

Walking away was hard at the time.  But now I can’t see how I could have stayed so long where I was not truly loved and appreciated.

Single in the Sanctuary: To My Never-Existed 18-Year-Old

28 Thursday Apr 2016

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merrygoround2When I was young, I thought I was going to have children.  I thought I was going to have my first child at 25 after getting married at 22.  I was so sure that this was the way that my life was going to turn out.

For years I wanted to have children.  And then something changed.  Maybe it was turning 40 before meeting an appropriate significant other.  Maybe it was enjoying my child-free life the way it was.  Maybe it was meeting someone who I could see spending time with as a couple… not a family.

As I see my friends’ children growing more and more as each year passes, I think to myself “there is no way that I could be a mom of a child of this age.”

And then it hit me: if I would have had my child when I planned on having one, I would have an 18-year-old now as I am now 43.

I would see her or him graduating high school and making decisions on where they would go for college.  I would see them getting ready for their senior prom.  I may be facing the beginning of empty-nest syndrome.  I’d be warning him or her about the dangers of drinking too much, setting your drink down at a bar or party, making sure to call when they got to where they were going and reminding them to be safe when it came to sex and driving.

I would think about how quickly those childhood years went and hoped it would have gone more slowly.  And a small part of me would be relieved that they were finally an adult and I could begin the next chapter of my life.

Instead, I don’t have any of this.  Do I wish I would have had these experiences?  Maybe?  Probably?  Do I feel sad that it never happened?  Not too often at all.

Will I regret the way my life turned out?  Probably not regarding children.  Occasionally, twinges of wonder rattle my soul.  And occasionally the musing that I may have missed something sacred.  But I’ve found mothering moments.  I’ve given birth to dreams.

And I look forward to watching my dreams grow from their infantile stage into mature realities.

 

A Request for Time

05 Tuesday Apr 2016

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Phone Sept 2014 4016I want time to slow down.

Another week, another reminder that time stops for no one.  The clock continues to tick in a clockwise movement into the future.

I sleep, and time progresses.  I pause for a moment in a garden or park under the Eden-like 72 degree realm, and the minutes move forward.

I watch those around me and their minds and bodies and souls begin to dilute into a watered-down version of their younger selves.  I stare into the mirror and notice a new mark, a new wrinkle, a new gray hair has adorned my aging body.

Some days, I just need to pause – to let this reality catch up to my heart.  But life does not come with a snooze button.  When the alarms sound, it’s time to move.  When the clock displays six or seven or eight in the morning, it’s time to embrace reality no matter how much it hurts.

So in this snooze-free world, stop under the blossom trees.  Breathe in the aroma of the budding tulips.  Move about creation as if there isn’t enough time to embrace each acre of nature.

Know that life keeps moving forward but each wrinkle we embrace, each sun-filled afternoon we soak in, and each time we share love with another person becomes part of our eternal selves.

Eating and Drinking to Remembering

24 Thursday Mar 2016

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image

From Fontbonne University’s Fontbanner, 1993

 

Back in college, Lisa, one of my closest friends, and I both worked on the school’s newspaper. Before each issue, we would go to the local restaurant, dine together and then write our individual sections of a restaurant review.

There were many times in which we joined together for a bite to eat or drink on a Friday. Lisa was the one who introduced me to strawberry margaritas and various eating establishments around the greater St. Louis area, whether it was for an assignment or just to catch up on our weeks.

Four years ago today, she died of cancer.

I couldn’t make it home for her memorial service. Instead, I went to the Mexican restaurant down the street and had a strawberry margarita in her memory.

To me, that’s a good portion of what the communion table is about. It gives us a chance to get together and have a meal in remembrance of Jesus the Christ. With somber joy, we recall his story and how we relate to the Christ in our midst today.

While I didn’t have a chance to drink a strawberry margarita today in remembrance of my friend Lisa, I did join with others at the table tonight, Maundy Thursday, to remember the Christ and Jesus’ love of humanity.

Single in the Sanctuary: Blue Easter

22 Tuesday Mar 2016

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easter lily2In 2008, I attended Easter morning worship with my mom and dad at a progressive United Church of Christ congregation in the greater St. Louis area.  The sermon was engaging.  The music was magnificent.  Everything about this Easter morning worship was spiritually meaningful.

But I was distracted… and distraught.

Family three rows up.  Family six rows up.  Family in the second from the front row on the other side of the sanctuary and two rows behind me too.  People of approximately my age sitting throughout the church with their spouse and their two or three small children.

And here I was… nearly 35 years old and sitting with my parents on Easter morning sans husband or children.  Even though I was with my lovely parents, I had never felt more alone.  At no point that morning did I feel anyone made me feel bad about being single or childless.  While some people at some congregations may stereotype people in my situation, I absolutely didn’t feel as if people were looking down upon me.

But I was looking down upon myself.  What’s wrong with me?  I would wonder over and over again to myself. Of course, when we are emotionally raw for any reason, it’s easy to place blame upon ourselves.  Life and love hadn’t happened in the way I wanted it to by the age of 35.  It was as simple as that.

Nonetheless, my feelings were very real that morning.  And they threw me for a loop.

Between 2008 and the time I met my boyfriend, I began to make some peace with this singleness in the sanctuary.  But it never became 100% easy, and Easter morning just happens to be one of those times I wonder if I missed out a little by not having children.  Bubbling youth bring about a certain energy into families and congregations, and even those of us who are 85% sure we are fine with not having children get a little emotional when surrounded by what we once wanted.

Which makes me wonder: How can we truly experience the resurrection if we are so distracted by what we don’t have, what we haven’t accomplished and in what ways we don’t fit with our congregations?

Easter morning may be a time when we hope that God will lead us to new life, new possibilities and fresh beginnings.  But there could be people in our congregations that feel like an odd person because they believe their marital status or family structure stands out from the crowd.  They may feel alone even though people surround them in the sanctuary.

Bless them with a greeting, with the peace of Christ, if you see them sitting alone.  Bless them with an request to sit with you as they may feel just a little less alone.  Bless them with an invitation to lunch or coffee hour.

The sealed tomb in which they find themselves in may start to crack open as beams of light begin to find their way beyond the shadows.

My Litmus Test for Voting

15 Tuesday Mar 2016

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imageRight now, I sit in my church office looking out the window watching the people walking in and out of our church building as they vote in the 2016 Primary.  Besides selecting candidates for president of the United States, voters are casting their ballots for Congressional and Senate primaries – both in the state and for the US government.

I voted earlier this morning.  It’s not always easy to select the person who I would like to lead our country – especially since those running have incredible talents and flaws to go alongside of them (because they are human, of course).

I’ll be honest… I’ve been very troubled by this year’s primary season.  So much of what is being said by one or two specific candidates is far from Christ’s love for one another.  In fact, there’s a hate-filled rhetoric being tossed about in our country right now.  And it breaks my heart.

Being a progressive Christian, I try to have some guidelines on what I try to go by when selecting and supporting candidates.  It’s very simple:

LOVE.

Actually, the message itself is simple.  The act is extremely complex.  Some of us see love in so many different ways.  I like to look at the following scriptures when reflecting upon this love.  As Jesus says in John 13:43 “Just as I have loved you, you should love one another.”  To me this is a love that is expansive, inclusive and breaks down any type of walls in our world.

Luke 12:31 states part of the great commandment: that you shall “love your neighbor as yourself.”  This means that each and every one of us should have the type of love for the people in our country as we do for ourselves, and we should want to make sure that each person has what they need just as we should have what we need.

Which makes me reflect upon the following:

  • Are the candidate’s primary views embracing the “love your neighbor as yourself” ethic?  Do they want to see others prosper as well as they are prospering?
  • Do they hold back their love by limiting others’ rights?
  • How does this candidate view love?  Is it inclusive or exclusive?
  • Is the way the candidate portrays himself or herself in a loving manner, or does it incite hate from the crowds that follow the candidate?
  • How is this candidate promoting love of neighbor and self in our world?  Are they wall-builders or bridge-builders?

Absolutely no candidate is perfect or loving 100 percent of the time.  They will make silly errors, look at something through a lens of privilege and forget that others have lived through more difficult contexts based on race, gender, sexual orientation, ability, etc.  But for the most part, are they trying to make our world more loving, and do they seem like they are passing along the love of Christ to everyone they meet?  Those are the type of questions we must ask as we walk into our polling places.

No matter where you are on the political spectrum, please vote in each and every one of your elections.  And remember the love of Christ as you enter the voting booth.

Single in the Sanctuary: The Last Single Girl

07 Monday Mar 2016

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In the 2008 Sex and the City movie, Carrie Bradshaw, 40 years old, gets engaged to longtime love Mr. Big.  The editors at Vogue offer to photograph her in various wedding dresses.  Enid, her editor at Vogue, tells her that the feature will be called “The Last Single Girl.”

“Well, I’m hardly the last single girl,” Carrie exclaims.

Editor Enid replies “No, but 40 is the last age a woman can be photographed in a wedding gown without the unintended Diane Arbus subtext.”

Is Enid implying that the last age a woman is able to wear in a fluffy, tulle-skirted wedding dress is at 40?    Should brides mute their celebratory looks for something more matronly?

And what if we’re not even close to being ready to getting married?  What if we’re over 40 and there’s no proposals on the horizon?  Should we just erase any current Pinterest hopeful board of wedding dresses and begin a new one entitled “the older bride”?

older bride

(By the way… this is what a screenshot of an “older bride” search looks like on Pinterest.  It looks quite Vogue-worthy to me.  And none of these women look like “Old Maids” or “Last Single Girls.”)

So…Does Any of This Matter?

Let’s step away from weddings because I’m sure many of us reading this aren’t ready to get married in the immediate future.  We wonder if society thinks that single women over 40 have transition themselves from vibrant young women to “Old Maids”.  We often inappropriately believe ourselves a rare breed because we didn’t conform to society’s limited expectations and marry before 40.

Yes, there have been times when I feel like I’m the LAST SINGLE GIRL – especially before I met my current boyfriend.  I celebrated my 40th birthday dateless, surrounded by fabulous friends, and filled with a spirit that was well-younger than 40.

Phone Sept 2014 025

See… This is not a girl who was ready to move into the Old Maid category.  

I do look at the lives of my friends, and I’m definitely one of the few never-married single girls.  To see and embrace yourself as one of the LAST SINGLE GIRLS is a difficult realization.  Maybe you’ll think to yourself “When did this happen?  What did I do to arrive at this place now that I’m over 40?”

And, if you’re anything like me, you may look around most churches you’ve attended and feel like the LAST SINGLE GIRL in the church and most contexts in your life… most of the time at least.

I imagine that there will be some of you reading this who feel like the LAST SINGLE GIRL in the world, in the church, in their group of friends and in their families.

It goes without saying… in reality, you are not the LAST SINGLE GIRL.  Hardly!  We are out there in steady numbers!  We are no longer old maids.  We are no longer alone.  We are valid just attempting to live life as fully as possible.  No one is worth any less because of their marital status.

As a clergy member and person who often writes about being a single progressive Christian, I will meet people who have never been married or married around 40 or later.   There are people in our churches who are single of all ages – from 22 to 40 to 65.  And each person is where they are right now for better or worse.   They tell me their stories of meeting their spouse a little later down the road and the bliss of finding a healthy relationship when the time – and their lives – were just right.

It’s not our job as churches to segregate THE LAST SINGLE GIRLS from the rest of our church.  But it’s our job to walk along side of people to bring them comfort in their current status.  It’s our responsibility to integrate them into church life, worship and activities.  And it’s our call to hope with our unmarried sisters and brothers if they yearn to meet a partner in the future.

*****

In the near future, it’s my intention to read the book All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation  by Rebecca Traister.  For more reflections based on the book and how it may impact the way communities of faith relate to unmarried persons, follow me here at michelletorigian.com.

In the meantime, join the conversation on being unmarried and a progressive Christian here.

Joey and the Ones Who Teach Us How to Die

05 Saturday Mar 2016

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joeyandrory

By Burningkarma – via Wikimedia commons

I’ve never been a super-huge fan of country music.  There are a few country artists whose music I enjoy and a few country songs I have on my mp3 player.  So when I started seeing article after article about Joey Feek and her battle with cancer, I was a bit confused to who she was and somewhat understood why I had never heard about her previously.

As the months progressed and more articles about her would pop up in my newsfeed, I would find myself clicking on the news articles about Joey.  The posts would record each step of her dying process.  From her final Christmas to the last days of her life, each article shaped a narrative to sacred to keep silent.

Through these accounts, Joey Feek showed us what true courage in the face of final days looks like.  She showed us what it meant to live fully in the present and show those close to you how much you love and value them.  Joey’s life was one where discomfort and pain didn’t stop her from continuing to live the best she could.  She embraced faith as part of the process.  And, most of all, she was able to be vulnerable by allowing the world to walk with her on the final steps of her journey.

Joey’s legacy will include her music.  But what I believe was greater included her display of bravery and the way she taught us how to die.  Dying is not pretty or glamorous or what’s supposed to happen when you’re 40 years old.  Joey gave us a vivid picture of the ebb and flow of life and how raw and vulnerable it is to walk alongside of someone in the final stages of life.

We thank Joey, her husband Rory and their family for allowing the world to see the scary, authentic, beautiful and awe-ful world of hospice, palliative care, final breaths, last kisses and living fully in the moment.

Who are the people in your life who gave you a beautiful example of what it means to die with dignity, grace and vulnerability?

Single in the Sanctuary – A Prayer for the Lone Ones on Valentine’s Day

14 Sunday Feb 2016

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God of the broken hearts And the lonely souls, On this day reserved for those “loved” Those who seem so “whole” Give us the peace of knowing we are complete.

Source: A Prayer for the Lone Ones on Valentine’s Day

Join the conversation for progressive unmarried Christians and friends at https://www.facebook.com/groups/singleinthesanctuary/

Single in the Sanctuary – When the Ashes Remain

11 Thursday Feb 2016

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imageAsh Wednesday.  Dust donning our foreheads as we remember our frailty, our mortality, our mistakes.

But for those who have been through tough relationships in our younger days, the ashes upon our foreheads represents the residue left behind from past loves.

It’s not that we usually dwell on many memories or wish that life worked out differently with the one who is no longer in our lives.  But the matted dusty remains symbolize the tiny bits of grime left on our hearts from broken relationships.

The dust collects after someone has cheated.  Specks of dirt linger after hurtful words are hurled at us. The glowing embers of hope that once warmed us now shine no more.

Maybe we began with clean slates and pristine hearts.  Slowly over time, the fragments of dirt settled, leaving our souls just a bit more smudged.

So on Ash Wednesday, we not only remember our morality, we also remember how our spirits have been tarnished along the way.  And we remember how God can take our ashed pasts and transforms them into something that glows no matter what has happened and who hurt us.