Tag Archives: Single

When Hope Seems Sparse

22 Thursday Oct 2015

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By Ralph Bestic from Sydney, Australia (Wharekauhau Lodge New Zealand) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

When Hope seems sparse,
O Holy Mother,
Place your comforting arms around me.
Shine a light that could help me see the beauty of the future
And the grace of the past.

May your life-giving womb continue to sustain me
As shadows cover my heart
And tomorrow seems years away.

In the depths of Sheol
Or in the corners of my room-
As I hide from this pain-
Draw me into the sunlight, O Holy Mother.

May the small beams of hope drive through the cracks of shadowed rooms
Overcome the doubts of the day
And carry us into the dawn of the morning.

Single in the Sanctuary – Marital Status Marginalization

20 Tuesday Oct 2015

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By E. W. Russell, Photographer [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Starting today, I will be posting a new weekly feature called “Single in the Sanctuary.” The recurring topic will focus on what it means to be a non-married progressive Christian in the twenty-first century.

I doubt I’m the only one who has felt a bit left out of the church based on the fact that I’m over 40 and still not married.  Even when I was in my late 20’s and early 30’s, I felt out of place because I don’t have the traditional family structure.

We look around our churches and, most of the time, only see certain demographics, namely

  • Married with children
  • Married, retired with grown children
  • Widowed

Only on occasions like the Christmas and Easter holidays or weddings, baptisms and funerals do I see my demographic: the never-married person.  I don’t see many divorced individuals, single parents, co-habitating couples, LGBT individuals and couples either.

In reality, people are getting married later.  Many marriages do not last.  Couples are choosing to live together for a while before deciding to marry.  So why don’t they feel comfortable being themselves in our sanctuaries?  Are we welcoming enough for these demographics?

Could it be that our sanctuaries become a sanctuary for those with an “ideal lifestyle” as set by the Christian right – a life which promotes purity, a nearly-desperate desire to get married and a postcard image of a husband, wife and two or three children?

Let’s start this conversation here and now.  How have churches made you feel comfortable?  How have they made you feel extremely uncomfortable based on your marital status?  And would the church you currently attend make you feel welcome if they knew you were single, cohabitating or divorced?

Is there a topic you would like to see covered in Single in the Sanctuary?  Let me know your interest below.

The Plans We Make

10 Sunday May 2015

Posted by in Current Events, Holidays, Life, Pop

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By Kim Navarre from Brooklyn, NY (Aleks’ beautiful corsage Uploaded by France3470) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Last night I saw a gaggle of teens dressed in formal wear walking to and from the restaurant.

It was prom.

Thinking about it, I realized that I attended my first and second proms 25 and 24 years ago, respectively.  Styles have changed notably.  I’m pretty sure hair is not quite as big but heels on shoes are higher.

Twenty-five years ago… TWENTY-FIVE years…

Then, a little math goes on in my head.  If I had a child when I had first planned, I would have been 25 years ago.  Seventeen years have passed since I was 25, which would make my fictitious child old enough to attend her or his junior prom this year.

There is no way I’m old enough to have a child who would be attending prom…

But life never worked out the way I had originally planned.  I made lots of plans over the years, and one-by-one, so many have fallen through.  Some I stopped wishing for years ago.  Others, I still have pangs of sadness because they never materialized.

So on this Mother’s Day, I think about the 17 year old I could have had – and maybe a 14 year old too.  I think about formal dress shopping that won’t happen, the first days of kindergarten into which I’ll never walk my child and the pre-birth quickening I will never feel.

Three hundred and sixty days of the year, I never think about these things.  I’m fine with the life I have and appreciate my present circumstances.  But today I set aside time to grieve a bit for the plans that never happened, mostly because that a little piece of who I hoped to be vaporized into the past.  Some dreams of yesterday just won’t happen.

And that makes me just a little sad.

I will wrestle with God.  We’re not cool this day, God.  At least not in this moment.  But we will be fine.  We’ll be fine tomorrow when this day reminding me of unanswered prayers and silent homes and empty wombs and plans that have been buried is over.

And I’ll go back to the blissful life that plans B, C and D have afforded me.

 

 

Not My Mom’s 42

09 Thursday Apr 2015

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imageNow that I am about to be 42 in the next couple of hours, I think about where my mom was at the same age.

Mom had been married for nearly 20 years.  She lived 700+ miles from her parents, and had two children around the ages of 16 and 13.  She taught elementary school and chauffeured us around to the multitude of activities in which we were involved.

I’ve never been married and do not have children.  I have never owned my own home and have lived in multiple cities in the past 20 years, including a city 1000 miles away and some towns much closer.

I always saw Mom as an adult, and she always seemed mature for her age.  I’m pretty sure that Mom has always seen me as a 16 year old, and I probably have a mild version of the Peter Pan complex.

Part of me wished I had the life of my mom at the age of 42.  She had a supportive marriage and two children.  Things seemed “normal” and “ordinary.”  She followed a path taken by most people and it brought her much joy.

But my life didn’t work out that way.  And that’s just fine.

I have a phenomenal life of love, friendships and purpose.  I birth sentences and paragraphs, sit with people as they begin to transition to  the other side of heaven, and embrace adventures.  Predictability is not the life for which I enrolled, and in the chaotic moments on this path less travelled, I have seen the presence of God quite frequently along the way.

My mom’s adult life path and mine diverged at some point – maybe around our early 20’s.  But our paths are equally valuable and sacred, whether we spent our days mothering our own children or the children of the world.

Thanks, Mom, for all that work you did for me 42 years ago… And since then.

A Prayer for the Lone Ones on Valentine’s Day

14 Saturday Feb 2015

Posted by in Current Events, Holidays, Life, Pop, Pop Culture, Religion

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imageAs someone who often writes on marital status and the church, I feel it necessary to remember those who endure Valentine’s Day on their own.  People splash their privilege of dates and gifts on social media leaving others to feel even more isolated and expendable.  From my experience, Valentine’s Day gives privilege to the haves – whether it’s haves of money or love.  During the many years when I was single on Valentine’s Day, my soul felt so insignificant.  Now that I do have a Valentine with whom I can share my day and my heart, I feel blessed but I must still remember the loneliness that this day will bring many, and urge all of us to send our love to those who struggle today.

God of the broken hearts
And the lonely souls,
On this day reserved for those “loved”
Those who seem so “whole”
Give us the peace of knowing we are complete.

Just as we are.
Today.

On this life-long journey
We wander in the wilderness, sometimes.
And sometimes, we wander that wilderness alone.

We set aside our celebrations
Of pink and red and sparkles
To give our hearts to those who dwell in solitude.
May they discover joy outside of the expectations
That this day brings
And in spite of the chocolates and roses and dinners by candlelight.

For those whose singlehood is new
After a recent break in their lives
God, fill their hearts with peace
And may they see the expanding lights of hope.

For those who have been single year after year
In the shadow-filled tunnels of silence-
Those who wonder when their turn at love will arrive
And feel trapped in exile-
Open their hearts to all possibilities.
Guide them out of the wilderness.

For those who have lost loves to death
And their person abides on that side of heaven,
Uplift their spirits.
Take away the pangs of grief.
Bring light into their lives again.

For those who ache
Wondering if their love will last,
Spark their hearts with the flame of renewal
And may love rise from the ashes.

On this human-created day where some have so much
and others are empty,
Scatter your energy around, God,
So that hope abounds
And joy will be embraced again.

A New Valentine’s Day

29 Tuesday Jan 2013

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I do not like Valentine’s Day.  It’s yet another painful reminder of how my life has not followed a certain flow.

Yet I don’t want to remain stuck in the sticky web of melancholy on another holiday.  When I reframed New Year’s Eve this year, it was probably one of the best NYE’s in recent past.

Now I want to reframe Valentine’s Day.

There has to be more than the absence of cards and flowers.  There has to be a wide spectrum of joy on a day absent of romance.

So I need some ideas on how I can make my and others’ Valentine’s Day spectacular.  One plan is visiting some of our congregants in nursing homes.  How else can I bring joy and love to our world on a day that can be very discouraging for people?

Let’s come up with some ideas!

Have Facebook Envy?

24 Thursday Jan 2013

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How familiar I was with this video from  Brian Williams on tonight’s NBC News:

Facebook Envy – NBC Nightly News

As Williams says “…Facebook can full-on bum you out.”  While these world are not the typical words expected from a journalist, the sentiment could not be more true.

How many of you have Facebook Envy?

I have it all of the time.

I see my friends and old boyfriends married with children.  I see fabulous vacations all over the world, and new babies coming into the world.  I see major physical transformations, phenomenal jobs, great health.

My life seems so sub-par compared to all of your fantastic, perfect, well-orchestrated lives.

Granted, I think my life is pretty great.  Sure, I’ve dealt with car accidents, surgery and a disappointing love life.  But I love my job.  I love to write and have been able to write more in the past year.  I find myself on many mini life adventures, and I see God in random, odd and beautiful places.  I have so many people in my life who I truly love and feel their love in return.

And I go on Facebook because my friends truly are my community.

We pray together when times get rough.  We cheer for each other when something works out.  We repost each other’s writings.  We are family.  For better or worse, I am deeply connected to those who I primarily see on Facebook.

Yes, I will continue to feel bad about my non-existent plans on Valentine’s Day while seeing pictures of all of your gifts.  My heart will hurt a bit each time another friend gets engaged.  My womb will ache because I haven’t had children.  And I will continue to criticize myself when I see how easy it was for friends to lose weight.

I am human, after all.

As you read this, you may think to yourselves how your life is a lot less perfect than your Facebook profile.  Each of our lives have challenges, but our Facebook is typically our very best selves.  Facebook can be our best tool in connecting us with those we love or can be a source of repeated heartache.  How we frame our time on Facebook can be the difference between pain or joy.  What would it mean for us to remember each time we log on that Facebook is everyone’s brag book and everyone is still carrying a heavy load?

I wonder how would Jesus’ Facebook experience look like?  Here’s a guy who probably wasn’t married or had kids.  He wasn’t rich, and many people were saying some crazy things about him.

…As if Jesus would care.

In my belief, Jesus wouldn’t experience the same envy that some of us experience.  He’d just be happy having a relationship with each of his Facebook friends.  He would be praying with those who hurt and cheering with those who celebrate.

Yeah… I still have a ways to go to be like Jesus.

But I’m glad to see him all the time when I’m on Facebook…

Not a “Leftover Woman”

18 Friday Jan 2013

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It’s tough to hear that women of a certain age are considered “leftovers.”

In China, women who are not married by 30 are “leftover women.”  Society believes that they are like “yellowed pearls”, that the older the pearls are the less valuable they are.

Is it much different in our society?  Sure, thirty doesn’t hold the same stigma as it used to here in the US.  But, in Western culture, are we looked down upon if we are over forty and still single?

I like to think of myself as a fine wine: the older I get, the more appealing I am.  Granted, in some ways I was more physically attractive in my twenties.  Yet now that I’m about to turn forty, I believe I know myself better.  In knowing myself, I tend to like myself more.  I believe that most of us, both men and women, are closer to their best selves as they approach middle age.

And I must admit that I am less fearful of being killed by a terrorist than I am scared of being stuck in an unhealthy marriage.

Even from Scripture, I don’t find a need to rush into marriage.  Song of Solomon 3:5 reminds us not to “love until it is ready.”  There is a time for love as Ecclesiastes 3 reminds us.  There is a ebb and flow to life, so why are we trying to force something that isn’t authentically present?

Women in the United States, China and every country in between: do not settle.  Do not give up all of your dreams but find someone who will seek your dreams with you.  If you are strong and happy as you are, you will  never be a “leftover woman” but a woman of courage and character.  There is someone who will love you just as you are.

God, why didn’t he put a ring on it!?!?!

07 Friday Sep 2012

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In my twenties, I fell in love.

At the time, I thought he would be “the one.”  Yet, he wasn’t.  Five and a half years into the relationship, it was over.   And, he was engaged to someone else approximately eight months later.

I know… I know… First world problems.  I had food, and housing, and a great job.  But someone else took the role of “fiance” so soon after my departure.  By someone else taking the role only months after our breakup was difficult to grasp.  Self-esteem issues continued to get tangled in that permanent loss of identity.

God, why did he put a ring on her finger and not mine?  What made her appropriate for that role and not me?  So many questions swimming through my head.  Even now, I wonder why.

When it comes down to it, Beyonce’s song is no different than a lament psalm.  The song gives many women the words to sing about frustrations of being passed over, of being left behind and of feeling not good enough.

This week was Beyonce’s birthday.  In honor of her birthday, Unvirtuous Abbey had a “prayer challenge” entitled “Preyonce.”  Tweeters were to write a prayer based upon the lyrics of one of Beyonce’s songs.  As I tweeted: “@UnvirtuousAbbey @Beyonce For all the men who liked it but never put a ring on it, we pray. #preyonce”

I realized that my Tweet focused on what had been in my heart all those years ago.

Think about all of the songs that we listen to on a daily basis.  As we belt out the lyrics, how are they the feelings that currently reside in our hearts?  How are the lyrics streaming from our mouths the pain that ate away at our souls years ago?  Aren’t the lyrics what we’re talking to God about anyway?