Advent Day 5 Prayer – Prayer to Purge

05 Friday Dec 2014

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closetGod, you created the human mind
The magnificent world
Elements, minerals,
Space and time.
But I’m pretty sure you never intended us to keep crap.

I glance towards you God
To figure out what to do with the heaps of stuff:
Useless materials,
Empty bottles,
And the neverending paper piles.

The wasteland that is my spare bedroom
Filled with clothes three sizes too small.
My waist will never be that small again,
I cry to myself,
But I want to remember when it was.

The garage filled with extra books
And records from
Fifteen, sixteen… well… almost 20 years ago.
Who needs computer books from 1996, anway?
Apparently, I do.

The desk filled with receipts and scraps of  papers
With important number written down
Even though I have no idea whose numbers they are.

The basement filled with memories
The cherished items of loved ones
But in boxes, so I don’t enjoy them
My loved ones can’t enjoy them
And God, you can’t even enjoy them.

Half open bottles of conditioner and facial creams.
Ooops.  I forgot I already had one
But I should keep them both.  I’ll use them one day.

I’ll use them one day… I’ll use them one day…
The biggest lie I tell myself
The biggest lie I tell you, God.

My friends laugh,
My family jokes,
Strangers who enter my office or car or abode
Will tease
As if no one has any faults
Or kept something a little too long.
Like they laugh at those on Hoarders
As if it’s a fault and not a mental health issue.
As if no one has a limitation in their body
Or mind.
They can’t understand my brain.
I can’t understand my brain.
It’s all so overwhelming.

Nevertheless, help me shed the extra stuff in the shed,
And the closets,
And the cupboards
And the kitchen pantry
And the laundry room
And the garage
And the trunk of my car.

Most of all, God,
Give me the courage to dump the things I’ll think need someday
And trust you instead.

Advent Prayer Day 4 – Praying for the “Normal”

04 Thursday Dec 2014

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Phone Sept 2014 4016God of the rocky roads and rollercoasters,
Where is my ordinary?
When will I be back to normal
Or are these aches and dry eyes and needed naptimes
My new routine?

Boring.  Boring is good.
I could go for boring.
But I don’t have a typical day anymore.
Each day brings it’s undeserved gift
Of… who knows.

When I  open my eyes will I feel like I never received sleep?
When two o’clock rolls around
Will I need a nap?

Will my fingers swell
And my neck hurt
And my legs stiffen
And nose stuffy up?

OR will I have a “normal” day
A day that will make me feel 25 instead of 86 or 47 or 62.

Oh, please God.  Give me a “normal” day.
Give me a day where I can go to the gym or stay awake all afternoon without a latte with extra espresso.
Allow my fingers to bend without the knife jab-like pains
And my feet move freely as I walk a mile or two.

Could my weight stay the same
Instead of increasingly bloated ankles.
Could you help me keep a routine
Instead of spending half the day dealing with an unruly tummy?

May I make the most of my “normal” days
Work hard.  Play hard.
Love my friends and families and neighbors hard.
Make the world a stronger place,
Eat, drink and be merry, for the tomorrow I may need sleep.

And when the day comes,
The afternoon of drooping eyelids,
Of swollen glands
Of vertigo
And never-ending pains,
Allow my body to fall to sleep.

Advent Prayer Day 3 – A Charlie Brown Christmas Prayer

02 Tuesday Dec 2014

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1292306774God of the shadows and grey-snow days,
Hear the echoes in our souls
And the empty rings in the hallow chambers of our hearts.

For those who have the Charlie Browniest lives
Who can’t find the happiness in holidays,
And open empty mailboxes each and every day.
“I know I should be happy but I’m not.”

We cry to you, God, when we don’t feel loved,
When we feel like failures,
When we are engulfed in fears,
And when we feel the world would be better without us.

It doesn’t matter if the if the doctor is in
Or the friend is in
Or if joy is in.

There is no joy.
Our tree is sparse just like our spirits.

May those who can’t shake their inner Charlie Brown-
Who can’t form a smile in their souls-
Find the purpose of their lives,
The splendor of the season
And the love of a friend.

Inspired by Charlie Brown Christmas, 1965

Advent Prayer Day 2 – World AIDS Day

01 Monday Dec 2014

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God of beautifully broken bodies,
Of days of health
And nights of fevers,
We lament the loved ones lost
From complications to AIDS.

For those who watched friend after friend after friend die
In ’85 or ’87 or ’91.
For those wondering how they are still alive 30 years later.

Because of pills and procedures
Life doesn’t end with a diagnosis,
A gift of modern medicine.

For those who can’t afford medications,
Who must choose between food
And medical bills
And other bills
And pills.

For our sisters and brothers around the world,
Those who don’t have western privilege
And first world medicine
And for the orphans and widows of this disease.

For those today who must wait twenty minutes to see if they have HIV-
Those twenty… long… minutes… of waiting, and worrying.
For those who will be in shock when hearing the word POSITIVE,
Requiring follow up medical care,
And for their bodies trying to adapt to new medications.

For those whose results allow them to move forward like nothing happened,
And for those whose negative means living life as if they could not catch it.

For those who still work to keep the stigma alive-
Attribute the disease to certain behaviors,
And certain people,
Disregarding the thought that when one person in the Body of Christ has a disease
All have it.
Forgetting that those who are negative pose more of a health risk
As the healthy bear germs that could kill an immune-resistant love one.
May they see that all of us are made in God’s image.
May their hearts and mind turn around.

And may all of us know the abundance of God steadfast grace,
Transmitting that love to all we meet.

The Church Building Challenge

28 Tuesday Oct 2014

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At noon, I entered a church around the corner that was about to be auctioned. The building was small – a sanctuary, bathrooms, a couple of closets, a small fellowship room, kitchenette and what could be used an office. According to websites, the starting bid was around $100,000.

As I looked around the building, I noticed hymnals still in the pews. A floral arrangement decorated the front of the church. Tracts expressing a theology that seemed foreign to me were stacked in a wall display. Fliers still hung on bulletin boards. It was a “ghost church” – a church that was once alive but now was a merely a shell which no longer held life and energy.

It was sad to enter this church and look around at the pulpit knowing a pastor had preached his last sermon there, people were baptized in their pool behind the pulpit and that dreams of a new ministry may have dwindled. But I didn’t know their stories. Besides seeing the church’s Facebook page which hadn’t been updated since January 29 of this year, little was available about the recent life of the church.

I overheard the realtor handling the auction saying that no other churches had come forward as interested in purchasing the building and property. So I asked him a little more about this. He said that for some churches who were growing, this was not an ideal space – too small. It sounded like churches were looking for spaces that tapped into their potential.

After my tour around the building, I left before the auction itself could take place. Because of my departure, I never heard what had happened during the auction, if anyone bid or who would be moving into the former church.

This is another piece of the larger picture of churches and buildings. What are some recent churches you know that have moved from their building as their membership drastically changed? How were their buildings no longer serving their mission, vision and purpose? How much did it take for the congregation to arrive at the decision that the building no longer fit their identity or who God was calling them to be? And how much grieving did each of these churches need to endure when leaving behind this concrete part of their past while moving into the future courageously and with the wisdom of God?

When families grow, they purchase a home that fits their growing family. When a couple are empty nesters, they will often sell their house to move to something smaller. When a person is no longer able to climb the stairs in their homes, they move into a home which accommodates their accessibility. When our finances change, we move to residences that we can afford. So why aren’t the reasons a congregation possesses or releases a church building similar to the reasons an individual or family buys and sells a house or condominium?

While we are attached to our homes, I believe we are more attached to our church buildings. These are the places where the highest and lowest moments of our lives occur: weddings, funerals, baptisms, confirmations, etc. The reason we keep a building is not often practical or even spiritual but emotional. How do we transform our way of thinking so that churches look at church buildings as a means of doing ministry rather than our greatest achievement and acquisition of ministry?

The Frightful Mask of Prejudice on Halloween

25 Saturday Oct 2014

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skeleton

“He said also to the one who had invited him, ‘When you give a luncheon or a dinner, do not invite your friends or your brothers or your relatives or rich neighbors, in case they may invite you in return, and you would be repaid.  But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, and the blind.  And you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you, for you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.’”

Luke 14:12-14

Recently, I read a letter to Dear Prudence where the writer was complaining about giving candy to children from outside of their community.  The writer notes that the children are “clearly not from this neighborhood,” obviously referring to their skin color or the condition of their parent’s vehicles.  The attitude of the writer is one where he or she doesn’t want to be a social service agency and be a source of help for those less fortunate.

The attitude of exclusion doesn’t stop with the richest neighborhoods.  This story almost seems unreal until we read the comment section of the article or hear stories from our own communities where widespread exclusion is confirmed.

There is a middle-class neighborhood in the greater St. Louis area who is concerned with outsiders coming into the neighborhood to trick-or-treat.  In an online conversation, they plan how to stop people from coming inside the neighborhood.  Some will stand watch at the entrance to the subdivision as they don’t want minivans full of children coming to take their children’s candy.  One man commented on how he would take watch leading me to wonder if his biases would cause further pain and suffering on the “aliens in the land.”

People in this town often murmur in voices of concern about minorities “coming up the hill” to live in their neighborhoods.  Only miles away from this subdivision are communities of underprivileged people of color.  Some have reputations of being dangerous communities.  Often, families who live in apartment complexes do not have the opportunity to trick-or-treat, so they are forced to travel somewhere in order for their children to have the full childhood experience.

Which makes me wonder: who deserves our candy?  Who deserves safe neighborhoods to experience a happy childhood?

Is it the children we know?  Is it the children whose parents earn about as much as we do?  Is it the children whose skin looks similar to ours?  Is it the children who were born to families who could afford to purchase homes over $100,000?

People often say that Halloween is a holiday of the devil.  Frankly, I don’t believe that it’s for the reasons they think.  The Christ-like attitude of hospitality now is obliterated by attitudes of serve only those who are like me.

Luke 14:12-14 reminds us that our call is to invite those who are different.  It is not just an invitation but a mandate from Jesus the Christ to invite those who we wouldn’t normally include.  It’s stepping out in faith to interact with people whose lives are radically different from ours.

There was a time when Jesus himself felt the urge to deny a child well-being.  In Mark 7, Jesus is out of his element in Tyre, and a Syrophoenecian woman in the land asks him to heal her child of an unclean spirit.  He initially tells her that healing is for those who look and act like him.  But she challenges him, and Jesus changes his mind.  In this transformative experience for Jesus, he opens his mind to someone different, and the lives of Jesus, the woman and her child are blessed by the encounter.

Furthermore, Luke 18 notes that Jesus said “Let the little children come to me, and do not stop them”.  He didn’t say “Let the children who look like me come to me.”  He didn’t request that these children have a certain economic background, and he didn’t exclude children of sinners and tax collectors.

On Halloween we have the opportunity to interact with the Christ in our midst as we extend radical hospitality to our neighbors and strangers.  Will Christ be allowed into our neighborhoods this Halloween?

A Life of Baby Steps

06 Monday Oct 2014

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In the late 1970’s, there was a six-year-old girl who was afraid of everything. From going down slides to walking down stairs to taking an escalator to approaching dogs, life scared her and fed into her perpetual sense of unease.

Then one day, while sitting in a restaurant somewhere in the southwestern United States, this six-year-old’s tooth became loose. Not only did unease fill her body, but her heart started beating fast, she began to hyperventilate and her appetite ceased to exist.

Throughout the summer, panic came over her body before almost every meal and, often, out of nowhere. Life for this little girl changes from her semi-anxious state to deep fear and her yearning to leave her own body.

As time went on, this little girl had no idea how to articulate her panic to her family. “My stomach hurts,” she would say to her parents. “I don’t feel like eating tonight.” Her parents became more and more concerned as her tiny little frame continued to shrink. While she was able to eat small portions, her weight dropped. Doctors could only medicate the symptoms – usually some type of green liquid stomach medication. Eventually, her sleep was affected as well, waking up as early as 4:30 or 5 a.m. with the dry heaves and trembling body.

Panic and anxiety attacks were her norm. She never knew how to relax herself. She didn’t know how to escape this inner turmoil. But even though her body was ridden with panic and anxiety, she missed a total of a half a day of school from her illness. She knew how to live with anxiety and panic disorders.

For many years, no one ever knew about this…

This is my story.

***

Granted, it’s been well over 30 years since my first attack. I’ve learned how to live and function as needed with these disorders. Yet, life has not been easy. I never knew how to articulate myself to my family, and I often lived in a state of deep discomfort. It’s taken many baby steps to do the small tasks many people have no problem to undertake.

As I like to say: one small step for a human is a giant leap for my kind.

I’ve been fortunate to have been able to adapt to my mental health issues. Panic and anxiety do not hamper my job, but my relationship with these mental health issues continues to be a lifelong journey.

In my case, I’m blessed. It rarely, if ever, holds me back. I suppose having to live with these conditions as a small child afforded me the opportunity to adapt. Granted, I still have problems driving over huge bridges (like the Sunshine Skyway in Florida). Unlike most of you reading this, I must take baby steps in order to feel comfortable undertaking certain activities. Yes, this makes me quirky, but aren’t we all?

I never plan on riding a roller coaster. Thinking about skydiving makes my palms sweat. But these are activities that I never have to do. While I have minimal problems flying domestically, taking a flight over to Europe may require me to learn how to relax myself on the eight to ten hour flight. I still plan on taking this trip because my desire to live a full life in the face of these struggles is my goal and my hope.

Even though I’ve faced these issues, I love to take on projects, and panic and anxiety have never held me back from much. I can lead organizations, speak in public and be successful in whatever I choose to achieve. I do think in accepting a lifestyle of baby steps and living a full life with panic and anxiety disorders has made me the person I am today. I have become a person of grace and understanding. I know that I am never defined by this one weakness. But just like everyone has one or two burdens to bear in their lives, this is mine.

Unfortunately, there are loved-ones of ours who have half-lives because of mental health issues. There are people who rarely leave their homes and are unable to work. How can we make our systemic health care issues more manageable for everyone?

Keeping our silence is isolating. I kept a small piece of Dramamine with me when I was in high school, just in case I felt a panic attack coming on. My friends never knew. Only a few in my family were aware of my struggle. The first time I admitted it to a friend, I was 19 years old. The first time I met someone else who had panic attacks as a child, I was 28 years old. It was an illuminating moment to realize that I was not the only person to struggle with childhood anxiety and panic. It also made me realize that this is an illness that needs more attention. I thank friends of mine who have gone public about their mental health issues. Their courage to tell their story is what leads me to write this post today.

There is huge amounts of shame talking about this. I’ll say it – I’m a total overachiever, and I care what others think. I never want to admit that I have any sort of life weakness. As I type this, I feel extremely vulnerable and am second-guessing this post. But this is no longer just about me…

Today I decided to end the silence to help young people struggling with these issues. Children should never have to struggle in silence. The stigma is decreasing, and more help is available than when I was a six-year-old child. Granted, I’m sure some people may be shocked to read my story. But I felt that my silence only continues to feed the childhood struggle with mental health issues.

At six-years-old, I wish that I could have articulated my struggle. I wish I could have told people the issues I faced. I wish that I could have been bolder throughout the years and become an advocate for childhood mental illness. Today, I feel like I’m taking the first step in this advocacy. Will you join me to stand up for the children who can’t articulate this struggle? If you are a parent or guardian of a child who exhibits symptoms of anxiety, how can you help your child name her or his issues?

Finally, I am grateful for the Biblical witness of Mary Magdalene. As a woman with seven demons, her life was not over. Jesus gave her the chance to be the first person to share the good news of the resurrection. No matter if was panic disorder, anxiety attacks, depression, bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, Jesus still called her to be a leader in the early church. Likewise, there is a future for all people who struggle with any type of mental health issues, including panic and anxiety disorder. Let us find the peace and healing power of Christ to move forward, knowing that the Divine is with us as we take our baby steps.

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False Church Marketing

29 Monday Sep 2014

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I’ve received multiple maimagerketing pieces from a church expansion in my area.  The church prides itself on welcoming people just as they are – no matter who they are.  They want to get to know their visitors’ authentic selves.

Do they really?

So I went to their website and noticed quite a few things that communicates otherwise: sermons that consider being gay a sin… messages that state that living together is wrong… women prohibited from certain leadership roles.

To me, this doesn’t affirm everyone like it says in their marketing pieces.

This is no different than other large churches in our area.  “Come as you are,” they tell us.  But when it comes down to it, their theology is set in stone and not even God Herself could change it.

Listen, I think there’s a good chance that all churches stretch the truth to get people to visit.  But when you tell people that they are welcome like they are and then send various messages that say otherwise, then that is false marketing.  You are not welcome as you are… you are welcome as the person God will transform you to be.

I’m not saying that everyone in our churches will agree with us or like us.  But we deserve to come to a church without feeling spiritual stones being thrown at us- especially when we think the stones won’t be thrown.

What if you could find a church that would welcome you no matter who you love or how you love?  What if you could find a church that would welcome you no matter what your family may look like – even if it means two unmarried adults raising their beautiful children?  What if you could find a church that would want you to be a leader even if you are female?  What if you could find a church that affirms your doubts and allows you to struggle with your agnosticism or even atheism publicly?  Isn’t that worth just as much as smoothies in the middle of worship or a band with hip music?

Wearing blue jeans or coming into church with uncombed hair doesn’t really affirm your disarray.  Celebrating a God that loves your soul just as it is right now – in all its chaos – is worth everything.

In the meantime, I would ask the churches who want gay people to change their sexual orientation, or who shake a finger at couples who intentionally and thoughtfully live together before marriage, or who don’t allow half of the population to hold leadership roles to say so in their marketing.  Stop lying.  Stop bearing false witness to yourselves.  Be real.  Be authentic.  Say it like it is.

The Church in Perimenopause

22 Monday Sep 2014

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By Ed Uthman from Houston, TX, USA (Human Egg Uploaded by CFCF) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

I constantly read articles on the current status of the Church. Many believe that the Church (or at least Mainline Protestantism) is dying. Others are waiting for its resurrection or see it’s resuscitation happening in front of us. Everyone has an opinion on at what point of the life cycle Mainline Protestantism or all of Christianity exists.

I believe the church is entering its state of perimenopause.

Being a woman who is around middle age and experiencing the slow onset of symptoms, I’ll admit that I may be projecting some of my exciting life onto the current state of Christianity. But the more I read symptoms, the more I believe the Church is in perimenopause – the full-fledged middle-aged transitional period of ups and downs. And, yes, this means that if the Church is the Bride of Christ, then Christ’s bride is going through “the change.”

We’re hot and cold. Do you ever notice how some weeks church attendance is low and other Sundays attendance is up? How come some events are well attended and others are not? The hot flashes of Easter Sunday and Christmas Eve services give us hope and passion that maybe we will have connected with a larger audience, and then the following Sundays church attendance has cooled down to its normal state (or slightly lower). Nothing is truly consistent. Perimenopause is a time of riding the ebb and flow of hormonal waves. As leaders of churches, we ride the swings of highs and lows. Bring along a fan and a jacket because we won’t know what we’ll need that Sunday.

Fertility exists in a different state. We like to think of fertility being a numbers game – more children, more young families, bigger attendance, etc. But fertility isn’t what it was in our 20’s or 30’s, and fertility in churches isn’t what it was in the 1950’s and 1960’s. Fertility in the second-act church includes more quality time with our smaller congregations, heightened online presence and outside of the box thinking. As middle-aged women, we do not intend to stop creating even when physical birth is not an option. Likewise, the Church shouldn’t give up on its process of creation and birthing new programs.

Just like perimenopause, the life of the Church is not over. Instead, the Church has now reached middle age. The Church is not dying – – far from it. When those of us who are women realize that this change is upon us, we often think our lives are over, that we’re “dried up.” Nonsense! A reimagined act two is about to begin. What does that new stage of our life look like? How will we be vital with our physical bodies or our church body looking different? We are all still so full of life, and whether we read this as middle aged women, as church leaders or as congregations. Now is the time to find those new techniques in vitality which will remind us that we’re still very much alive and ready to listen for where God is calling us in this era of our lives.

Whether it’s the story of the resurrection, the fertility stories of Sarah or Elizabeth or our 45-year-old friend’s new hobbies or life activities, let’s remember that life isn’t over for us as middle-aged individuals or as churches finding our second wind.