Category Archives: Life

Toxic Messages in the Church

01 Tuesday May 2018

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*Note – Trigger Warning regarding domestic violence

This week, I read a Washington Post article about Paige Patterson, president of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary who had a recording surface in which he stated his beliefs on abuse in marriage.

Patterson stated that a woman should “ask God to intervene” through prayer. He mentioned “You have to do what you can in the home to be submissive in every way that you can and to elevate him.” Paterson also said that he has encouraged women to leave in the worst cases – but only temporarily – because divorce is against God’s will. He released a statement on his previous recording, still not confirming that a woman abused by her husband should permanently leave him.

What Patterson fails to see is that maybe God is intervening in this relationship by calling the abused individual to leave. Sometimes, a woman will give everything she has to be submissive and build her husband’s ego – which Patterson stated she should do. What he doesn’t realize is that her husband will probably still find one tiny thing wrong and take her to task for her imperfection. Praying away abuse does not work but praying for strength to find a healthy life is what is needed in times like this.

What Patterson also does not realize is that abuse often escalates. It may start as emotional manipulation and eventually move to pushing and, later, hitting. When an abuser kills their spouse, it’s often after much time of emotional and physical abuse.

Patterson is far from the only clergy who encourages a wife to stay with her husband during abuse. When going on social media and the internet, many stories surface on the times women have been told by their pastors to stay with their husbands and try harder.

But what about divorce? Doesn’t Malachi 2 state that God hates divorce?

Yes, but does anyone really like divorce? Two people are separating their lives from one another, and no one wants to experience this pain and grief. Yet realizing that the circumstances of the relationship may be unknown to us is crucial. Divorce needs to be placed in the correct context.

In the Hebrew scriptures, the word for divorce meant to abandon or toss out. It was used in texts such as when Abraham expelled Hagar and Ishmael, leaving them vulnerable and without resources. Women didn’t have the same agency during Biblical times as we do today, so these women needed to be married or associated with a man in order to survive. This is not the same as needing to leave a relationship in order to escape abuse. When being abused, women often need to leave in order to survive. Like Abraham and Hagar, abandoning someone who will then experience poverty through divorce is unethical. But abandoning someone in order to find safety is another circumstance altogether.

Women of faith do not deserve being told by their Christian leaders that they must stay in an abusive relationship just because Biblical texts state that divorce is wrong. Women of faith must understand that each of these texts were written in various contexts. The New Testament epistles mentioned that women shall submit to their husbands. However, in Genesis 1, women and men are both created in the image of God. As leaders in the Christian faith, we are called by God to promote a message that all people have dignity and encourage others to make healthy decisions for themselves.

Around this time twenty years ago I left an emotionally abusive relationship. I was exhausted being told over and over that I wasn’t good enough and being blamed for non-issues. The experience made a lasting impact on me. While we were not married, I could see how someone being emotionally abused in a marriage would need to remove themselves from their abuser’s presence. There should not be blame on a woman (or any gender) who leaves a relationship to protect their body, mind and soul. God values each of us and longs for us to love ourselves as God loves us.

Just like God hates it when people leave their significant others destitute in a breakup or divorce, God hates when people manipulate and abuse the ones with whom they are in a relationship. All of us reflect the image of God, and if our significant others do not respect this, then we need to find a new path in our lives.

If you or a friend need additional information on domestic violence or abusive relationships, go to http://www.thehotline.org/ or call 1-800-799-7233.

Originally posted on the SONKA UCC blog.

My Ethos

19 Thursday Apr 2018

Posted by in Life, Pop, Pop Culture, Social Justice

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There will be some changes I’ll be announcing on here in the near future, but for the time being, I thought I would post something about who I am at my spiritual core:

I believe in the full humanity and dignity of all people – no matter their race, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, religion, immigration status and country of origin, marital status, and ability.  And I believe that in each of those defining characteristics there are people who are privileged and people who aren’t.  To me, Jesus would have stood up for and next to the people who were not the privileged ones and challenged the privileged to see their place in the systems of oppression.  

All of us are children of God and made in the image of God.  And we are called to love our neighbors as ourselves. 

So if you see me post an article or write a blog post or preach a sermon and you may not agree with my perspective, please know that I’m approaching the subject from the perspective that I want all people to understand that all people are equally made in the image of God.  I will stand up against unjust systems by writing or attending rallies.  From pulpits, however, I will not preach partisan politics.  Instead, I will approach current day happenings through the lens of the gospels and the prophets.  And in this day and age, that may seem more political than it should.  For many of us, this is how we feel we are faithful to God.

Love is sounding more radical by the day…

It won’t be easy, and I encourage you to call me or visit with me to try and understand why I have approached the topic as I have.  But I hope that we will grow through the process of conversation.

May we all be blessed as we muddle through these sacred conversations on love, justice and peace.  Amen.

A Prayer for the Many Marching for Our Lives

24 Saturday Mar 2018

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Graphic from the United Church of Christ. Visit https://g.co/kgs/zZ7AGY

God whose Justice moves in marches across our land:

Bless the feet, the wheelchairs, the strollers, the bicycles, the scooters and any other mode of movement our neighbors use to pray along the way.

Bless the young people leading this movement. Their courage and their power shines a light to the future and where we are all called to follow.

Bless the adults who recognize the power and voice of our children, and who hold the concerns of our youth in sacred spaces.

God, we know that people want to hold onto their rights. But all of us want to hold on to our lives. May we place our power in you instead of weapons. May we acknowledge the full humanity of each person who abides among us.

Amen.

 

It’s a Tough Time to Be in the Pulpit

06 Tuesday Mar 2018

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Theologian Karl Barth claimed “Take your Bible and take your newspaper, and read both. But interpret newspapers from your Bible.”  Each week, many of us preachers adhere to this advice.  We review the Scripture which we have chosen (often from the lectionary), attempt to understand it from the context in which it was written, and then apply the text to today’s world.

Unfortunately, I find it more and more difficult to hold the Bible in one and the newspaper in the other.  Engaging in this practice requires me to address the world today.  And often the lectionary texts with which we are preaching feature Jesus radically attempting to change the world.

For instance, this week’s text featured Jesus turning over tables in the Temple.  Jesus is protesting the powers-that-be and the corrupt commerce practices of the time.  And he doesn’t just voice his concern but decides to physically disrupt the exploitive dealings.  Like I mentioned in my sermon this Sunday: it’s interesting that we criticize people who are protesting today and yet we don’t criticize Jesus for protesting very radically during his time…

As I hold Biblical texts like this alongside recent events, I cannot ignore the speeches and marches by students who are standing against gun violence and for gun control.  I cannot dismiss protestors who see a members of the community unjustly targeted by community authorities.  I cannot forget the women who are speaking out against sexual abuse and harassment.

And yet, here we are in congregations which hold a variety of views.  As pastors, we are called to be prophetic, addressing the injustices of our time and pointing out in scripture where the prophets spoke out against gaps in the system.  Yet we must walk the fine line between being prophetic and pastoral, praying and searching for the best words to use and hoping that we present the issue with the appropriate amount of pressure for our particular congregations.

During my 45ish years, I’ve never seen so much division in our society based on political and theological beliefs.  As the Church, I believe we are called to find common ground between all of us and continue to converse on these subjects…

…But I must admit that on some Sunday mornings – when the text offers a prophetic tone and the issues of today are calling us to address – all I want to do is pull the covers over my head and stay in bed.  I do not want to be the one who stirs the pot.  The simplicity of brunch with friends or sleeping until 11am would be delightful.  And somehow, God has called many of us pastors to lead the conversation.  God has called all of us to leave our homes on Sunday morning to wrestle together – no matter how liberal or conservative our politics or who we voted for in 2016.

So let’s join together in this uncomfortably holy space- ready to experience God in the chaos of this time.  As we pastors approach the pulpit, we may have dry mouths or racing hearts as we wonder how our message will be received.  We realize that our message may infuriate some.  We understand that we are called to take up the cross and follow Jesus into the depths of radical love.  But know that we are trying to be as faithful as possible to God in this 2018 world, loving our congregations as we fulfill our callings.

A Prayer for Fear of Flying

28 Wednesday Feb 2018

Posted by in Life, Pop

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God of the seas and lands and skies
Today I am soaring in the air to my destination
Excited for my adventures at the end of this flight…

But…

As you well know, I have a fear of flying.
Bumps along the way concern me.
Are we ok? I ponder this in my mind-
And sometimes I ask the flight attendant.

What is that noise? Is that normal?

We are so high up!

I wish I had more control…

Oh, the turbulence will come if I fly often
And just like life, none of us can avoid it.
Roll with it, I say to myself,
But the nerves in my gut are screaming with fear.

God who soars with me,
Give me the courage to keep flying.
May my anxiety rest as the sky’s potholes keep the aircraft hopping.
May I learn to release control to you and he universe,
And may my adventures upon landing be ones where I see your presence.
Amen.

1 Corinthians 13 for Me

21 Wednesday Feb 2018

Posted by in Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

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In an effort to promote an authentic and healthy love of self as many of us fail to do, I’ve taken 1 Corinthians 13 and made it into a statement that a person can speak to themselves.

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I could speak or write brilliantly in the language of humans and heavenly beings, but let’s be honest – if I do not have love for myself, all my words are just a bunch of noise.

And if I seek justice and peace for the world, and understand all and know all, and if I have an amazing faith on paper, which may look like I could move mountains,
ALL OF THIS…
But
do NOT love myself – you know, the unconditional way that God loves me –
my work is empty… even hypocritical.

If I give away all I own to appear as a fabulous philanthropist,
and if I dress up my body so that I may boast that I look young or hot,
but do not have genuine self-love of my essence and soul, I gain nothing.

Loving myself through all my errors takes patience.
Loving myself means that I am required to be kind to myself.

Healthy love of self doesn’t mean that I’m envious of others (which I am quite often).
It does not allow me to brag over and over of my accomplishments or become arrogant and rude to prove that I am better than others.

Love of self absolutely can not be shadowed in shallowness,
and it requires me to reflect when I’m irritable or resentful of someone else’s accomplishments or celebrations.

This unconditional love does not allow me to rejoice when someone else errs, and it leaves no space for me to berate myself when I make a mistake.

It rejoices in what is best for everyone.

In order for my soul to thrive, true love of self will seek help when life is harsh.
It believes that anything is possible.
It continues to hope for all things
It endures when love seems present no where else.

Authentic love for myself is meant to be permanent and eternal.

But as for the work I do, it will eventually come to an end as my body ages or my mind falls away.
As for the brilliant language that I write or speak- it’s all going to cease.
As for knowledge that I possess here on this side of heaven, it will come to an end.

Let’s face it, now I see myself and God and others only in part. All I do will always fall short because of that partial view I have.
But when the complete comes somewhere on that side of heaven, the partial will come to an end.
The complete view of me and God and others and the universe will be all I can see.

I remember when I was a teen. I spoke like a teen, and I thought like a teen.
I reasoned like a teen.
I was disgusted by myself the way a teen would be.
Since becoming an adult,
I’ve been working on not to look at myself the same way I did at 14.

For I must remember that I see myself in a dim, cloudy, foggy mirror.
But someday, somewhere I will see the true view of my face and heart and soul.
For I must remember that right now I only myself in part-
But at some point I will know fully, even as God knows and loves me fully.

When nothing goes right and the world seems hopeless and I’m thinking so little of myself, I must remember that these three pieces are my foundation:
faith, hope, and love.

And even when faith in myself weakens and hope for the future wanes, God’s authentic, unconditional love for me will guide me back to where I need to be.

A Prayer When Prayers Are Not Enough

16 Friday Feb 2018

Posted by in Current Events, grief, Lent Prayers, Life, Pop, Social Justice

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“What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but do not have works? Can faith save you?”

James 2:14 (NRSV)

Holy One who created us to pray when life makes no sense, or when we are grateful, or when we are in need…

Let’s face it- we use our prayers as a way to stay in safe spaces. It’s easy to pray and send our thoughts to people who hurt. It’s simple to pray that an issue will go away.

And yet day after day, these thoughts and prayers are not enough. Issues continue to stack up. People are dying.

So today we pray that we have enough courage not only to pray with our mouths and minds and hearts, but also with our hands and voices and feet. It’s time for us to stop half-praying and time for us to fully pray with our whole selves. We know you are calling us to action.

Give us the clarity needed to complete your work effectively. And give us peace as we work to bring forth your Kin-dom to earth.

Amen.

Loving Me for Me

12 Monday Feb 2018

Posted by in Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

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This is a snapshot from a 2015 The Upper Room devotional.  For  more information, visit https://www.upperroom.org/

Today, this was read at our church council meeting.

I’m not sure why the person chose to use this particular submission today – especially since this piece was from 2015.  But for some reason, the winds of the Holy Spirit were in motion, and I needed to hear something.  As she continued to read this devotional at the meeting, tears were streaming down my face.

How do I become someone I’m not?  I’m so, so tired trying to be  I suppose this has been a question almost 45 years in the making.  From the time we are young, we are conditioned to “fit in.”  Our consumerist culture encourages us to want what our neighbors have.  The visible lives of our friends seem so ideal compared to what we have, yet we do not know their challenges.

To me, my life seems scattered, second-tier and, in many ways, pathetic.  I hold myself up to the world’s standards, and I see only my shortcomings.

My gifts and accomplishments, on the other hand, were missing from my view.  I’m probably harder on myself than others are on me.  But for me my shortcomings are front and center – staring me in the face – as to poke fun at the gifts I lack.

What I forget is that all of you have shortcomings as well – they may just be a bit different than mine.  And all of you have gifts as well – they may also be a bit different than mine.

Then there are the times when I wish I could have the talents and interests of the people closest to me.  I’ve spent almost 45 years trying to fit this square peg into a round hole.  The work of conforming and remodeling ourselves to fit others’ expectations becomes exhausting.  At some point of our lives, we no longer have the energy to mold ourselves to their liking.  At some point, we must just become ok with who we are.

Now, this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t continue to work on our shortcomings.  But we need to stop being so hard on ourselves because of them.  I am not good at everything.  (Obviously)  I am NOT good at everything.  I will never be.  At nearly 45 years old I need to come to terms that I am not good at every single task, and I am not interested in accomplishing everything.

But here is what I need to do:

First of all, I need to ask for help for my growing edges.  There is nothing wrong with asking for help.  (For people like me who struggle asking for help, I’ll repeat myself: there is nothing wrong asking for help.)  Because I am not talented in every aspect of life, this means that some activities will not come easy to me.  As humans and children of God, we are called to work together to use our gifts to assist others who struggle.

Secondly, there are some gifts I do not have. I will never have these gifts.  I will never be a talented singer, be a star of a movie, hike Kilimanjaro, skydive, or a number of other things.  And I am becoming fine with this.

Third, it’s time for me to begin focusing on the ways I excel and where I want to invest in my passions.  Forty-five is not old.  But it is the beginning of life’s second act.  God is calling me to use whatever energy I may have to strengthen this world and the people within it.  I am gifted at artwork, marketing and writing.  I no longer need to explain away how I will never be a triathlon competitor, raw sushi connoisseur and lover of Tarantino films.

Like this devotion, it’s time for me and all of us to be firm in who we are.  Psalm 139 reminds us that this is who God created me to be.  This.  Here and now.  I am gifted and flawed.  I have ways that I can still grow.  I hold in my heart many things I still want to accomplish.  But I am Michelle.  I have been for 45 years, and I will be for the remainder of my life.  I must live in my own skin and with my own mind.

As the devotional says: “we can confidently live as the people God created us to be.”  How liberating it is for each of us to claim that reality!  No longer do I have to live as others expect me to live.  This is who I am – made by God in the image of God.

First Birthday Gone

07 Wednesday Feb 2018

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Today’s the first time we exist in a February 7 world without my dad in it. And as many of you are well too familiar, this is bizarre.

Most years, I would try to call my dad at midnight. Of course, this would be 11pm CST, a point that wouldn’t matter to him.

Last night, there was no one I could call to wish those birthday greetings.

Dad was born on the seventh day in February in the seventh hour. He used to indicate how the number sevens were lucky for him.

Today would have been his 77th birthday. So on this seventh day of February in which my dad would have been 77, make this world a stronger place. Tell someone what a fantastic job they are doing. Call you congressional leaders to speak your needs and the needs of those marginalized. Watch the news, register to vote, learn the faces of our congressional leaders, or just be a good human today. That’s what Vincent Torigian would want for his birthday.

And Dad, as you abide on that side of heaven, may you feel the love that all of us are sending you on your birthday. Miss you so much.

RevGalBlogPals Post- The Dangerous Theology of Women, Bodies and Pain

29 Monday Jan 2018

Posted by in Health, Life, Pop, Religion

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Recently, I read The Week’s article “The female price of male pleasure” by Lili Loofbourow. The article speaks of the pain many women endure as collateral for men’s gratification. Loofbourow states “Women are enculturated to be uncomfortable most of the time. And to ignore their discomfort.” She continues by noting “The real problem isn’t that we – as a culture – don’t sufficiently consider men’s biological reality. The problem is rather that theirs is literally the only biological reality we ever bother to consider.”

Many of us women have adapted to a culture of pain. In exercise, terms like “No pain, no gain” become mottos by which we live. Like the article mentioned, many of us become accustomed to beauty regiments that require some discomfort. From waxing and plucking to wearing high heels and waist trainers, becoming conditioned to wear these items in order to become attractive and find a partner is common.

From the time we were young women, a number of us have endured physical anguish each month with our periods. When this pain became excruciating through diseases like endometriosis, some doctors would just dismiss the woman and tell her that it’s normal. And like The Week article notes, numerous women endure pain with sex. Yet only 393 clinical trials study women’s painful sex, seeming extremely sparse compared to the 1,943 studies which exist for erectile dysfunction.

In the article, Loofbourow said “Women have spent decades politely ignoring their own discomfort and pain to give men maximal pleasure.” Except that this goes beyond one or two generations and a few decades.

Pieces of scripture have allowed for this narrative throughout the past two or three millennia. Some of our Christian narratives do not help our efforts to live a low-pain existence. Our faith tradition is rooted in an origin story in which the first female human is cursed to moments of pain for the choice she made.

To read the rest of the article, visit  The Pastoral Is Political: The Dangerous Theology of Women, Bodies and Pain