Category Archives: Holidays

Single in the Sanctuary – When the Ashes Remain

11 Thursday Feb 2016

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imageAsh Wednesday.  Dust donning our foreheads as we remember our frailty, our mortality, our mistakes.

But for those who have been through tough relationships in our younger days, the ashes upon our foreheads represents the residue left behind from past loves.

It’s not that we usually dwell on many memories or wish that life worked out differently with the one who is no longer in our lives.  But the matted dusty remains symbolize the tiny bits of grime left on our hearts from broken relationships.

The dust collects after someone has cheated.  Specks of dirt linger after hurtful words are hurled at us. The glowing embers of hope that once warmed us now shine no more.

Maybe we began with clean slates and pristine hearts.  Slowly over time, the fragments of dirt settled, leaving our souls just a bit more smudged.

So on Ash Wednesday, we not only remember our morality, we also remember how our spirits have been tarnished along the way.  And we remember how God can take our ashed pasts and transforms them into something that glows no matter what has happened and who hurt us.

Single in the Sanctuary – Valentine’s Day in the Church

09 Tuesday Feb 2016

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love lightOnce again this year, Valentine’s Day happens to fall on a Sunday.  Now, this shouldn’t matter because it’s the first Sunday of Lent, and it isn’t an actual church holiday.

Yet, I have a feeling that some churches will be embracing societal’s yearnings by filling each little crevice of worship with mentions of this Hallmark holiday.  From my experience, I’ve seen how churches hold couples’ dances, talk about how wonderful marriage (especially heterosexual marriage) is and fill sermons and prayers for those who have already found their lifelong love.

But I’ve sat in the pews and attended churches where marriage (heterosexual ones, at that) were considered the ideal.  There didn’t feel like there was a place for this single gal… let alone our single savior, Jesus.  I felt crushed at times and even needed to leave the sanctuary on the random Sunday when the pastor gave a message marginalizing people like me.

Part of the reason I’ve started writing the Single in the Sanctuary feature and, down the road, book is to reinforced the need to validate people of all different marital statuses in the church.  One of the most-needed days of the year for us to be sensitive to the emotions of the unmarried (especially the ones who are not content as unmarried) is Valentine’s Day.

So church leaders – as you finalize your bulletins for this Sunday, remember the following:

  • A large percentage of those in our pews are not married.  They are single, divorced, widowed and cohabitating.  And each of them need our love and validation too.  We need to acknowledge where they are in their lives today – whether they have chosen their relationship status or life just happened to them.
  • 1 Corinthians 13 is not just about romantic love; it’s about something so much greater than marriages and couples.  The love chapter is about God’s steadfast, unconditional love.  It’s a love that we are called to have for each of our neighbors – not just our significant others.  Plus, this chapter reminds us that we need to love our neighbors, friends, enemies, significant others and everyone else as if we are looking through the eyes of God.  That’s more than any romcom could ever portray… although Mark Darcy telling Bridget Jones that he loves her “just as she is” comes close.
  • Shame is a piece in relationship statuses.  Still single?  What’s wrong with you?  Cohabitating?  Why can’t you just get married?  Divorced?  Why couldn’t you make your marriage work.  Part of a gay or lesbian couple?  Doesn’t God think that’s an abomination?  Having sex outside of marriage?  You are a sinner!  These are the messages that keep circling around faith communities.  Our job as the Church is to make sure that these messages are eradicated and that shame outside of the straight nuclear message doesn’t exist.
  • Pray for all marital statuses in this church – from the newly married couple, to the couple who are having challenges, to the single person with a newly fresh broken heart, to the widower experiencing his first Valentine’s Day alone.

Finally, Jesus was single.  What we believe we know is that he was never married.  We don’t know much else about this. We may wonder if he got his heart broken or if he just never had the time to get married.  But he brought together people of all marital statuses.  And that’s what we’re called today each and every day in the church.  The church isn’t just for couples or families.  It’s for all of God’s children.

Are you a progressive non-married Christian or a friend?  Please join in this new Facebook group “Single in the Sanctuary” for conversation and support.

A Communion Liturgy for Ash Wednesday

05 Friday Feb 2016

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communionHere is a communion liturgy I wrote for our ecumenical Ash Wednesday service this year.  Please feel free to use it and note that you saw it on michelletorigian.com.

Blessings to all as we look towards this new liturgical season.

Michelle

Invitation

One: Come, as we embark on the dawn of this new season.
Come, as we reflect upon the dusk of our lives.
Come, as we set aside our distractions and the concerns of our minds
Come, as we focus on the heart of the matter.

One: God of light and dust be with you,
All: And also with you.
One: Open wide our hearts:
All: We open them up to our God.
One: Let us give thanks to God our creator.
All: Even in the midst of the wilderness, we give God our praise.

Prayer of Communion

One: Tonight we come together to recall the magnificent common memories we have of our Christ.  We remember his servant leadership and the unconditional love he had for humankind.

Here and now, we give thanks for the steadfast love of God that we see reflected in Jesus the Christ.  We are grateful for one another and for all the saints who have come to the table throughout history and to those who will gather here after we have returned to dust.  With appreciation, we give thanks to the hands who have harvested the grapes and grains before us.  In a spirit of active thanksgiving, we commit ourselves as servants to God’s children, finding new ways of bringing justice, righteousness and love to the shadows on this earth.

May the Spirit come upon these elements.  May the Spirit fill our hearts with love, kindness and acceptance.  May the Spirit continue to aid us in our work in the world and as we cross boundaries of denominations and faith differences.  May the Spirit empower us as we walk through these 40 days in the wilderness, as we face the sadness of the crucifixion and as we wait for the Christ’s resurrection.

As Jesus continued on his journey, he could see that his time was drawing nearer.  Our Christ knew that his love and leadership would take him to the cross.  And as the final night was upon him, he drew close to his friends.  To embrace the love he had with them, he shared one last table.

Jesus embraced the bread in his weathered hands, broke it, gave it to his friends asking them to remember him.

Jesus clasped the cup containing the fruit of the vine, gave thanks one last time and asked them to remember him.

In remembering him, we speak the words together in prayer, using the words closest to your hearts saying… Our Father, who art in heaven…

(As we pray the Lord’s Prayer in unity, please use the word closest to your hearts, whether it is sins, trespasses or debts.)

The bread of life.  The cup of the new covenant.  Both given to us.  Both we partake in together as we remember our servant-leader Jesus the Christ.

Distribution of the Elements

Unison Prayer of Thanksgiving

All: Even as we come to the table tonight remembering our frailty with the dust on our heads, we also give God our thanks for this meal.  We give our gratitude that we have come together as one Body of Christ.  In these next 40 days and as we walk the road to the crucifixion, continue to keep us awake to the ways we can bring Jesus the Christ’s servant-leadership to our world.  Amen.

I Don’t Know What to Do with This Day

18 Monday Jan 2016

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imageHonestly, I don’t know what to do with Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.  It’s not my day to claim.

The struggle of my black sisters and brothers is not mine and yet, I am connected to it.  My skin is white.  My benefits are great.  And even though the privilege of a white woman isn’t perfect, it’s still pretty darn good.

I can drive in rich neighborhoods without worrying who will pull me over if I’m driving four miles over the speed limit, walk in department stores without much thought to who is watching me and apply to jobs knowing that my resume will at least get a glace.  So the struggles that King mentioned aren’t about me or people who look like me.

So, what is this day about?

Right now to me this is the day I step aside to learn and to listen.  It’s the day when I listen deeply to the deep pain of my friends.  It’s the day when I examine my times of “whitesplaining,” of the times I didn’t speak up and the times I worried more about what others thought of me instead of the hard journey of those who continue to struggle. And then I offer a prayer of reconciliation to God my parent and my sisters and brothers of color.

This is the day I examine how I can become a better leader, how I can learn from the example of Dr. King the Prophet and live boldly as I continue to carry the light of Christ into the world.

This is the day I think about the ways I can push the shadows in the world aside and shine more light.  This is the day when I reflect on how to love more and use that love to erase the growing hate in our communities.

This is the day when I speak to and with those who are privileged as we share ways for us to be better allies.  This is the day when I recommit to the covenant of the complete body of Christ knowing that a good portion of the body is disregarded by other parts.  And this is the day when I send light and love to my sisters and brothers of color as they continue their march to true equality.

I still don’t fully know what to do with this day.  All I can do is walk humbly with my God and my neighbors and hope I can do better this coming year.

*****

One year from now I will probably be reading this and think that I had so much more to learn.   This is a work in progress and I’m open to your thoughts.

My Annual Midlife Crisis

29 Tuesday Dec 2015

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watch

Last night, I was watching Noah Baumbach’s recent film While We’re Young.  A forty-something childless couple begins to hang out with a twenty-something, spontaneous, energetic couple.  Being influenced by the junior husband and wife, the elder couple (which, of course, is only a year or two older than I am today) starts to change their activities to revive their aging lives.  Without giving much of the plot away, their new lifestyle finds its expiration date, naturally.

In the ebb and flow to life, the two Gen-Xers eventually face the missing elements of their lives with honesty.  Josh (Ben Stiller) says to Cornelia (Naomi Watts), “I’m 44 and there are things I will never do.  Things I won’t have.”

Josh’s words ring true to many of us who have crossed the threshold into our early middle-age years.  We begin to take inventory of what we’ve attained and what we haven’t.  We stop running from the mirror which indicates our current lives and our actual ages.

And, for the first time, we admit that there will be things that we’ll never do or have.

Each year, in the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day, I take stock of what I’ve accomplished in the past year as well as the mistakes I’ve made.  I try to offer myself some grace as I confront shortcomings.  But mostly I sit with the melancholy of not having certain things in my life and the achievements that I haven’t yet grasped.

Admittedly, there are always tears in the week between Christmas and New Year’s.

I’m 42 years old.  As much as I’m 19 years old in my heart, I’m a middle-aged woman.  There are some things I will never do and never have.  At this point, I probably won’t have a child and definitely won’t give birth to one.  I’ll never win any major awards, run a marathon, skydive (totally fine with that one) or become a US president, senator or congresswoman.  I won’t be a millionaire or a physician.  I’m ready to leave some of those possibilities behind, and others may take a while to toss aside.

But as I look ahead, there still is life.  I still have the chance to walk a marathon, write a book, influence lives and advocate for the voiceless.  I will sit with people as their life slows down.  I’ll meet new people and speak my truth in new ways. Life may not yet be quite half-over for me, so some of the things I dreamed about are still possible.  And while my body doesn’t look or work the same way it did 10 or 20 years ago, my mind continues to grow and my confidence blooms.

What 2016 will bring – I’m not sure.  But as my body ages and the expected aches begin to intensify and multiply, my vigorous mind and soul will continue to listen for God’s relentless call for my life.

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It’s Almost That Time… Christmas Eve Worship!

23 Wednesday Dec 2015

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If you are anywhere in the Cincinnati area, I invite you to one of our Christmas Eve services at the church in which I pastor.

Many Christmas Blessings to each one of you. Thank you for reading my blog throughout this year. I look forward to connecting with you in 2016!

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Single in the Sanctuary – Holiday Hospitality

28 Wednesday Oct 2015

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Being away from your family during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays is horrible.  Being single on top of this is even worse.

I’ve spent many holidays away from my family.  The first Christmas was the toughest.  I was 23 years old, living in Florida by myself and had a number of invitations to join other family units that day.  And while I did spend some of the day with others, I managed to get one of the worst headaches of my life, no doubt from the stress of being alone on Christmas day.

Fortunately over the years, I believe that God has provided me with people whom I celebrated these major holidays.  From hanging with a pastor’s family at Busch Gardens in 2001 to spending Thanksgiving with an ex-boyfriend and his parents in 2005, I’ve had some interesting opportunities, conversations and company while absent from my family.  Days were less lonely because there were others willing to open their homes to me even though I wasn’t part of their family.

As a single person, especially when I lived in Florida, I would often be given the gift of sitting at the table with other families.  This is a gift I hope I am able to pay back as the years progress.  Through friends’ open doors and plentiful tables, I was able to feel less alone when my family lived 1,000 miles away.

I think most of us do a phenomenal job with making sure those who are hungry are fed.  But what would it be like to not only feed those who are hungry but open a table to those who have no one in their lives?

Can you think of friends who may not have families in which to spend the holidays?  How can we invite them to be our family for part of the day?  That’s our responsibility as people of faith and as people with the gift of family.  We are called to open ourselves up to those who may be alone on holidays and special occasions to be an honorary part of our families.  Just like Jesus asked his followers “who is my mother and who are my brothers,” we are to expand our families to include others into our fold.  Many of his followers had to rely on the generosity of others while on their ministry journey.  How can we be like the families who opened their houses to Jesus and the early disciples and make sure they become parts of our families, even for a day or season?

What will you do this Thanksgiving or Christmas to make sure the widow, orphan, single guy or gal, newly divorced person or individual away from their family to make sure they are at your table too?

Me. Christmas 1998 in Florida at the age of 25. Sans family.

Me. Christmas 1998 in Florida at the age of 25. Sans family.

 

The Shifting Relationship Between Parents and Kids

21 Sunday Jun 2015

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There Dad and Michellereaches a point where you no longer see the dad of your teen years.  The dad who would ground you is gone.  The physically strong father has transformed into something even stronger – maybe not in body but in mind and soul.

And the energy between you and them have shifted.  The nurturer becomes the nurtured.

A few years ago, my father was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease.  While the first few years weren’t too horrible, the last couple have been heartbreaking.

Watching my dad’s health on its roller coaster trajectory has opened my eyes to the reality of this part of life: he’s aging and our time together is limited.  Our interactions are different than the way we interacted twenty years ago.

So much has changed.

Now, knowing how Parkinson’s works, my dad may live with the disease for the next 10 to 15 years – or longer.  It’s not a death sentence.  But the disease won’t regress.  We won’t grow any younger.  Even I don’t have the same energy from twenty or twenty-five years ago.  Our new normal is a middle-aged daughter and an aging dad.

Being a pastor, I see congregants age and fellow Generation X members, not to mention friends, losing parents all of the time.  My heart breaks because I know I’ll lose my parents someday in the future, and that makes me sad.

I try to cherish every hug and “I love you” while I have them around.

So on this Father’s Day, while mom and dad are still around, I want to tell you here, in public, how much I love you both.  Thank you for your love, your guidance, your support and resources – especially when heading into the ministry.  Thank you for all of the trips we took to visit seminaries and for all the trips back to Florida to prepare for ordination.  Thank you for allowing me the two a.m. phone calls when I was worried about something or another.  Thank you for caring for me after my wisdom teeth, colonoscopy and laparoscopic procedures.  Thank you for reading me stories as a child and reading over my writings (for editing) as an adult.  Thank you for teaching me and, occasionally, being open to learning from me.

It wasn’t always smooth sailing between us, and I’m truly sorry for the moodiness at 14 and moments of frustration over the past 42 years.  Overall, I think we survived pretty well.  For the two of you, I’m always grateful and blessed.

me and dad ordination day

The Plans We Make

10 Sunday May 2015

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By Kim Navarre from Brooklyn, NY (Aleks’ beautiful corsage Uploaded by France3470) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Last night I saw a gaggle of teens dressed in formal wear walking to and from the restaurant.

It was prom.

Thinking about it, I realized that I attended my first and second proms 25 and 24 years ago, respectively.  Styles have changed notably.  I’m pretty sure hair is not quite as big but heels on shoes are higher.

Twenty-five years ago… TWENTY-FIVE years…

Then, a little math goes on in my head.  If I had a child when I had first planned, I would have been 25 years ago.  Seventeen years have passed since I was 25, which would make my fictitious child old enough to attend her or his junior prom this year.

There is no way I’m old enough to have a child who would be attending prom…

But life never worked out the way I had originally planned.  I made lots of plans over the years, and one-by-one, so many have fallen through.  Some I stopped wishing for years ago.  Others, I still have pangs of sadness because they never materialized.

So on this Mother’s Day, I think about the 17 year old I could have had – and maybe a 14 year old too.  I think about formal dress shopping that won’t happen, the first days of kindergarten into which I’ll never walk my child and the pre-birth quickening I will never feel.

Three hundred and sixty days of the year, I never think about these things.  I’m fine with the life I have and appreciate my present circumstances.  But today I set aside time to grieve a bit for the plans that never happened, mostly because that a little piece of who I hoped to be vaporized into the past.  Some dreams of yesterday just won’t happen.

And that makes me just a little sad.

I will wrestle with God.  We’re not cool this day, God.  At least not in this moment.  But we will be fine.  We’ll be fine tomorrow when this day reminding me of unanswered prayers and silent homes and empty wombs and plans that have been buried is over.

And I’ll go back to the blissful life that plans B, C and D have afforded me.

 

 

A Note from a Pastor to Loved Ones During Holy Week

01 Wednesday Apr 2015

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imageDear people who I care for the most,

As you definitely know by now, it is Holy Week.  For those of us in the clergy/ministry business, we are attempting to accomplish in one week what we usually accomplish in about three or four ordinary time weeks.

In this process, our ideal selves are not shining this week.

I will want to stare at stupid reality shows, binge watch Netflix, play 60 consecutive games of Bejeweled Blitz, and surf the computer for hours in the evening.

I may eat one too many brownies or have an extra glass of wine this week.

I will want to pamper myself somehow… maybe a massage, a haircut and color or a mani/pedi.

I will either not sleep enough or I will sleep too well.

I will be Rev. Crankypants until Sunday morning is over.

I will be Super Crankypants if I am approached about taking care of something that can obviously be completed well after Easter Day.

There will be tears. Guaranteed.

There will also be an impromptu dance party at least once per day.  And I will be breaking out in song – most likely something from my college days and reminding me of a much simpler Holy Week.

The house will have extra clothes on the floor, the dishes will sit in the sink a little too long, and I will not have vaccuumed as I usually do.

I will remind people of things over and over again because I’m truly hoping not to drop one of my many balls in the air.

If you can not find me I will be at one of the following places: (1) church, (2) Michael’s, (3) the ice cream store, or (4) curled up in a corner somewhere as I wail and gnash my teeth.

My throat will start feeling scratchy by Thursday which brings on the added stress of extra needed sleep, gargling with salt water, and remembering to take any and every kind of vitamin that could possibly work.  Otherwise, I have to carve into my day a good hour and a half for a trip to the clinic.

Easter morning will be full of caffeine, adrenaline, and pure Holy Spirit joy.  And then once noon hits on Easter, I am a complete zombie.  Not normal Sunday afternoon zombie but full zombie-apocalypse walker.

I am so exhausted that I might as well post a “Do not disturb until the Thursday after Easter” sign on my door.

Holy Week Michelle is not typically who I am.  Well, sometimes it is – especially in the two weeks preceding Christmas.  And I will apologize over and over and over again as I try to keep everything moving forward.

All I ask is a bit of grace, a bunch of prayers, and maybe, a pint of double chocolate ice cream.  Thank you for loving me through the valley of the shadow of Lent and every other day of the year.