For those of you looking to count calories during the upcoming holiday events at church, look no further than this blog post. Here we will let you know what you can expect calorically from your church dinners, desserts and other snacks.

***All church meals will be at 50 percent of the normal caloric and fat intake unless otherwise noted.***

If half of the food on your plate is a green vegetable, it will completely cancel out the calories and fat on the other side of your dish. For instance, if half of your plate consists of salad and broccoli and the other half of your plate contains turkey, dressing, mash potatoes and gravy, there will be no calories on your plate.

If you drink coffee with your meal, you will not take in any calories.

Any consumption of bread, fish, wine or grape juice is no calories since this reminds of us of meals with Jesus. If anyone catches a fish for a church dinner, the dinner will actually be negative calories.

Unfortunately, if you take home any leftovers from a potluck or any other church event, calories will be at their full amount. It is highly recommended for you to eat all you want within the church building and not take food home.

Food donated by a local eating establishment has no calories.

If you are clergy meeting with a congregant or a congregant meeting with your minister and/or others from your congregation regarding church business at a cafe, there are no calories for consuming a coffee or coffee-based drink. Food items are only 15 percent of the normal caloric intake.

Food that is being sold for a fundraiser has no calories and no fat since the money is going to a good cause. For instance, if you buy a cake, the entire cake is no calories, even if you take the food home. You might as well buy as many of these desserts as possible.

In fact, the more fundraiser food you eat throughout the year has the benefit of burning calories since your heart so full of love and energy that it’s working overtime.

If you are preparing food for a fundraiser and snack on this food, calories will be at 25 percent of their normal value. Only if you pay for the food will it be calorie-free.

All eating at congregation functions held off of the church property will only be 40 percent of the normal caloric intake.

If church members decide to go out for dinner after a church meeting, the food and drink will not only be 100 percent of their normal value, the diners must add on 25 extra percent of calories. This is NOT a church function, and nutritional values will not reflect it being one.

If the words “Christmas” and/or “Easter” are associated with any church events, the caloric and fat intake will be at 10 percent of the normal value since both celebrate Jesus, and when we think of Jesus, we think of eating together. In fact, any time we include the word Jesus with a meal name, the food will be calorie free. Unfortunately, that chapter and verse was left out of the New Testament canon. (Some say it was in the lost Gospel of Mary and Martha. They were concerned about dieting rules since they liked to frequently dine with Jesus. Actually, it was Martha’s suggestion to include this dieting rule. Mary didn’t allow those details to concern her.)

Special guidelines for clergy:
When clergy spend time eating and/or drinking with other clergy, no calories are ever consumed. The pure joy of spending time of colleagues will halt any weight gain from these social events.

Eating leftover communion bread is no calories.

Finally, if you’ve had a rough day and are clergy, you are allowed one piece of cake or one cupcake at no calories. Also, one glass of wine. And one donut.