Category Archives: Church Life

The Church in Perimenopause

22 Monday Sep 2014

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By Ed Uthman from Houston, TX, USA (Human Egg Uploaded by CFCF) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

I constantly read articles on the current status of the Church. Many believe that the Church (or at least Mainline Protestantism) is dying. Others are waiting for its resurrection or see it’s resuscitation happening in front of us. Everyone has an opinion on at what point of the life cycle Mainline Protestantism or all of Christianity exists.

I believe the church is entering its state of perimenopause.

Being a woman who is around middle age and experiencing the slow onset of symptoms, I’ll admit that I may be projecting some of my exciting life onto the current state of Christianity. But the more I read symptoms, the more I believe the Church is in perimenopause – the full-fledged middle-aged transitional period of ups and downs. And, yes, this means that if the Church is the Bride of Christ, then Christ’s bride is going through “the change.”

We’re hot and cold. Do you ever notice how some weeks church attendance is low and other Sundays attendance is up? How come some events are well attended and others are not? The hot flashes of Easter Sunday and Christmas Eve services give us hope and passion that maybe we will have connected with a larger audience, and then the following Sundays church attendance has cooled down to its normal state (or slightly lower). Nothing is truly consistent. Perimenopause is a time of riding the ebb and flow of hormonal waves. As leaders of churches, we ride the swings of highs and lows. Bring along a fan and a jacket because we won’t know what we’ll need that Sunday.

Fertility exists in a different state. We like to think of fertility being a numbers game – more children, more young families, bigger attendance, etc. But fertility isn’t what it was in our 20’s or 30’s, and fertility in churches isn’t what it was in the 1950’s and 1960’s. Fertility in the second-act church includes more quality time with our smaller congregations, heightened online presence and outside of the box thinking. As middle-aged women, we do not intend to stop creating even when physical birth is not an option. Likewise, the Church shouldn’t give up on its process of creation and birthing new programs.

Just like perimenopause, the life of the Church is not over. Instead, the Church has now reached middle age. The Church is not dying – – far from it. When those of us who are women realize that this change is upon us, we often think our lives are over, that we’re “dried up.” Nonsense! A reimagined act two is about to begin. What does that new stage of our life look like? How will we be vital with our physical bodies or our church body looking different? We are all still so full of life, and whether we read this as middle aged women, as church leaders or as congregations. Now is the time to find those new techniques in vitality which will remind us that we’re still very much alive and ready to listen for where God is calling us in this era of our lives.

Whether it’s the story of the resurrection, the fertility stories of Sarah or Elizabeth or our 45-year-old friend’s new hobbies or life activities, let’s remember that life isn’t over for us as middle-aged individuals or as churches finding our second wind.

Single in the Sanctuary – Ending the Checklist Checkup

27 Wednesday Aug 2014

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By christopherharte This site also listed by request [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Earlier today, an interview with Jennifer Aniston was broadcasted on the Today Show. She stated to Carson Daly:

“It’s always such an issue of ‘are you married yet… have you had your babies yet?’ It’s just constant… I don’t have this sort of checklist of things that have to be done, and … if they’re not checked, then I’ve failed some part of my feminism or my being a woman or my worth and my value as a woman because I haven’t,.. birthed a child… I’ve birthed a lot of things, and I feel like I’ve mothered many things.  And I don’t think it’s fair to put that pressure on people.”

When interviewing Gloria Steinem back in February, she stated “Being in the public eye, us women come up against this, that our value and worth is dependent on our marital status and or if we’ve procreated.”

It’s not just people in the public eye, Jennifer.

I remember the pressure that starts somewhere around 21 years old. Who are you dating? When are you going to get engaged? Are you planning on having children soon?

Could we please have a little time to figure out what we want?  In fact, can I have a lifetime to figure out my life?

Immediately after college, I ran into the mom of a classmate from grade school. Her son was getting married and “achieved” the privileged position of having his engagement in the local paper. She then inquires “so… when will your picture be in the paper?”

See. No pressure.

Over the years, I’d catch up with high school and college friends after a few months. One of the first things out of their mouths was always “Are you dating anyone?”

I’m really not sure if they were trying to make casual conversation, if they really cared about me or if they were seeing how far along I was in the checklist.

I would grade my life an A on life’s wilderness and a D on life’s checklist.  My life has been about the journey, the people I’ve encountered and the experiences I’ve embraced.  I’ve experienced great things like receiving a master degree, having a one-act play staged, writing for religious sites, living in various areas in this country and being ordained.  But according to the orthodox life checklist of marriage, babies and house, I have accomplished little.

So here I am asking you today.

Please. Pause.

Think before asking single people about their dating lives. If the non-married friend feels like sharing with you, you will know. You’ll may see photos of the new couples on social media. You may hear a former singleton ask if they can bring a date to your party. If the relationship is substantial, you will undoubtedly hear about it.

After a couple is dating for a while, think before asking them when they are getting engaged. Stop making comments along the lines of “When are we going to hear wedding bells” and “Let me know when the date is set.” They may not know and may not be in the place of their relationship to discuss this level of commitment. But all of us in relationships can tell you this: it’s rarely anyone else’s business. It’s between God and the two people who are considering sharing a life-long covenant.  Please pause before asking a divorced friend if she or he is dating again.

After the engagement happens, it’s understandable to wonder when someone will set the date. Some people choose to remain engaged for a longer period of time. Please rethink your comments to the engaged person on the length of their engagement. Maybe they’re waiting until a family crisis is over or until they’ve saved enough money. But they may not feeling like they need to offer an explanation to why the wedding has not happened up until this point.

Once the couple is married, reconsider before asking them when they will have children. Deciding to have a family is a huge decision. It’s not a choice that two people should take lightly. Having children is expensive and has the potential of requiring one person in the relationship to place their career on hold. Furthermore, the couple may be having issues with infertility or other reproductive losses, and they do not need you to remind them of what they don’t have in their lives.

And then, finally, pause before asking when the next child will come along. One child may be enough for a couple. As I mentioned maybe the couple is having fertility issues. Again, if and when the second, third, fourth or seventh child is on its way, they will tell you.

So why can’t we encourage one another from our different life paths? Why must we force people onto a specific life checklist? Right now, is there a piece of you that wants to make the person feel bad for not “completing the list?” Or are you genuinely concerned about the life of the person? Instead, would you be willing ask them how they are doing, what is new in their life or inquire about a hobby/job/etc. with which they are already involved?

There are certainly friendships where asking these questions are normal for the relationships – you are close and talk about many intimate life details.  But if you rarely talk with a friend, why would you ask them so many invasive questions?

I know I’ve asked the invasive questions, and I’m truly sorry that I did. Sometime, I was uncomfortable of where I was on my journey, and asking the question was my attempt to work through my own insecurity. One time after being asked “are you dating someone” for the billionth time by a good friend from college, I asked her “when are you starting a family.” (Maybe because I was tired of being asked the question by this friend.) She got quiet and said to me, “we’re trying.”

From that encounter I realized that these questions are sacred ones, and we ask them with great care.  Whether it’s extended singlehood, divorce, finances, challenging marriages or infertility, we all encounter struggles in life.

I remember the Genesis story of Rachel, waiting years before being able to marry Jacob, and then struggling with infertility. She watched her sister get married and have children with the man she loved, and had to patiently wait for the time when it was right for her to “complete the list.” And then there was Hannah in 1 Samuel, struggling with the shame she received from Peninnah because of infertility.

Questions like these which seem harmless can bring shame and embarrassment to our friends or acquaintances. Let’s stop the exhausting shaming inquiries. And let’s focus on the beautiful small moments of life.

Baptism by Ice

20 Wednesday Aug 2014

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Yesterday, I was baptized by ice.

Yes, I performed this “remembering my baptism” ritual myself. As the frigid waters ran down my head, face and back, I tried to focus my attention on the hope that my actions would somehow point to a greater cause.

But I couldn’t help it. I still focused on how cold the water was as it ran down my body.

When I first saw this fundraiser and awareness, I thought it was a bit gimmicky. Dumping a bunch of water on our heads: who does this help? Are we talking enough about the disease as we film these videos? Or are people just dumping water on their heads without giving a care to this horrible illness?

And then my little sister nominated me. I couldn’t escape the ritual.

As I continually watched videos of friends and strangers taking part in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, I realized that icy water and a cause are drawing all sorts of people together. We are no longer individuals but connected by this ritual of pouring a bucket of ice and water over our heads in the name of stopping an illness. From Robert Downey, Jr. to Oprah to Tom Cruise, from the child heading into kindergarten to the retiree in their 70’s, and from the famous actor to the local church pastor, we join together to take part in a common ritual and cause.

This ritual became more than a gimmick. It became more than a dare and more than a simple yet widespread fundraiser.

For me, it was a chance to remember my baptism.

As water is poured on our heads or as our whole bodies are immersed in a pool, we experience that same type of connection to others in our faith. That is baptism. As humans and as Christians, we are not alone in this messy life. In the ritual of baptism, we are reminded of grace in community. As we watch a small child or teen or adult experiencing the trickling water across their foreheads, we remember whose child we are. Our messiness as humans continues well after our baptisms but the water will always remind us that God’s grace is present with us as we abide with God and community.

So as we watch our next friend or favorite sports team dump a bucket of icy water as they stand in the warm summer sun, let us remember our connection to the greater Church, our connection to those who struggle each day with the degenerative illness of ALS, and our greater connection to all of humanity.

And let us remember our baptism.

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The Great Patriotism Divide and Our Churches

03 Thursday Jul 2014

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I love our country, I love being an American, and I think the United States is a truly beautiful nation.  However, I am a firm believer in the separation of church in our state, and the state in our churches.  I believe that both should cross each other very rarely.

Now, without a doubt, those of us who are Christian leaders should be praying for the health of our nation.  We should be praying for those in power, no matter what party they are.  We should give thanks for the people who have positively shaped this country for what is now is – remembering those who stood for “liberty and justice for all” over the past few centuries.  We should remember those who serve this country and the people within this country – from our service members to our teachers.  Even thanking God through the singing of “America the Beautiful” makes sense to me.

But what is the correct amount of patriotism for us to have in our sanctuaries and embedded in our worship experiences?  And when do we set the patriotic fervor aside to hold our nation accountable for its shortcomings?

When I see Jesus, I didn’t see someone who celebrated Rome.  He challenged both faith communities and the state.  Rome was intimidated by this Jesus; otherwise he wouldn’t have found execution by the Roman state.  Sure, I believe Jesus acknowledged our duty to the state when he told us to give to God what is God and Caesar what is Caesar’s.  But never at any point in the Gospels or other scripture texts does it indicate that he sung songs to celebrate Rome or celebrated its symbols in any fashion.

On one hand, my faith and call dictate that we should hold the state accountable similar to the ways Jesus held the systems accountable in his day.  We should raise up the needs of our country’s people with the passion of the Hebrew prophets.  As a spiritual leader, I have a responsibility to explore this perspective with those I teach.

On the other hand, my faith and call mandate that I hold the hearts of those who value our country and its symbols.  As pastors, we have the responsibility to value the places where our congregants are – both as individuals and as a community.  While every church is different and approaches the patriotic holidays with various amounts of excitement, taking into account their pastoral needs is part of our jobs as clergy. In our churches, our congregants want to hear patriotic songs.  They want to see this country’s flag.  They want to cherish the state in which we live.  As we get to know our congregants we may see that this need is deeply rooted in their souls.

Some of us pastoral leaders do not understand the draw to such patriotism in our worship.  I can tell you this: many of those who want the patriotic elements of worship have pure, beautiful hearts and truly see God’s presence interwoven with our country.

But not every faithful Christian and American feels this way.  For those of you who are reading this who may wonder why spiritual leaders and others do not want patriotic elements in worship, it’s because we believe our focus is on the God of every nation, not just ours.  We believe that the state and its symbols have the potential for becoming another god or distracting us from ours.  And we believe that it’s our place to be prophets in this country, making sure to stand up for the “least of these.”

So many of us church leaders wonder each year, how do we handle the balance of being like Jesus who challenged the broken systems AND the caring for the pastoral needs of our fellow Christians who have pure love for this country?  How can make sure the only god in worship is our God and that the flag and country still remains “under God”?   How do I balance your beliefs and needs with my beliefs and needs?

Within our worship service, could we sing of our love for our country, pray for the needs of our country and world and acknowledge where our country falls short?  Could the sermon celebrate our passion for our country while still challenging the Americans in our pews to do justice?  Can we love ourselves for where we are today AND continue to strive even more to take care of the widow, orphan and aliens?  Can we remember that not everyone is equal and that “liberty and justice for all” is still a dream?

I don’t believe it’s a sin to love our country and state this in front of God.  But I do believe its a sin if we love our country more than or at the exclusion of loving God and our neighbors.

I believe there’s a place for all of us in our churches.  Let us remember the God of the prophets as we celebrate with joy our pluralistic nation.  May we remember that God wants the United States of America to flourish, to be a place where the least of these have a voice and justice.  May we remember that our country has its special gifts but also has its weaknesses too.  And may we remember that God wants all nations to be a place of justice and peace.

A Time to Lose – A Body-Positive Weight Loss Prayer

24 Tuesday Jun 2014

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Bundesarchiv, Bild 183-2005-0802-501 / CC-BY-SA [CC-BY-SA-3.0-de (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/de/deed.en)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Loving God, Creator of my body-

At this very moment I have a strong love/hate relationship
With the art that you have made,
The shape that you have molded.

Through the stress of everyday life
And delicious foods
And lack of gym time
And probably my age
My body has changed.

It’s not my most ideal self-
Not because of my looks
But because I breathe heavy climbing the stairs
And I’m a bit more fatigued than before.

I admit that I must transform,
To find my balance
To value your creation.

Allow me to see that this transformation
Isn’t about pleasing society or someone else-
This revision of myself is to become the healthy me,
The one that wants to live to 99.

Alter my mind to see that I am beautiful
No matter the girth of my arm or ankle.
(And remind me to stop calling them “cankles…”)
Alter my soul to be happy
And not lean on another cupcake to cheer me up
(Because there will be times when I think I need another cupcake…
We know this about me, God.)

In the meantime…
Lead me not into the temptation of shaming my body.
Help me to cherish each extra inch as long as it lasts on my frame
Because every inch of me is still made in your image.
And may I not duck out of photos
Due to my fear of seeing this version of myself.

And while you’re at it,
Let’s change the way society sees bodies.
Thin, fat, curvy, whatever… it is all beautiful.
Let’s stop this message about getting the bikini body back
Or losing the baby bump in record time.
Let’s savor the moments-
Of deliciousness and balance.  Amen.

Who is a “Real” Christian?

20 Friday Jun 2014

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1596I’ve been wondering lately who would be considered a “real” Christian in the eyes of God…

Is it the one who feeds the hungry, visits the prisoner and clothes the naked the “real” Christian – just like it says in Matthew 25?  Or is it the person who believes in their heart and speaks with their mouth that they believe in Jesus the one who is a real Christian -as it is written in Romans 10?

Is it the Christian who believes all must speak in tongues in order to be saved?   Or is it the Christian who understands tongues as speaking in a variety of languages and doesn’t have a special prayer language?

Is it the one who is Baptist?  Or an Episcopalian?  Or Catholic?  Or non-denominational?  Or doesn’t attend church at all?

What about those who believe that the world is 6,000 years old?  And what about those who believe that the universe was created in a “Big Bang” process and humans evolved from animals?  Is the Bible literally true or was the Bible written in certain contexts and metaphorical in certain parts?  Which of these beliefs is needed to be a “real” Christian?

Is it the person who gets in the faces of those marching in a pride parade to angrily tell them they need to repent?  Is it the ones marching in the Pride parade telling everyone that God loves them just as they are?  Is it the pastor who performed a wedding for two men or the pastor who preaches that marriage is only between a man and woman?

Is it the woman who became ordained a few years back or the man who thinks that women shouldn’t speak in church?  Are the “real” Christians protesting and speaking out for the life of the fetus outside of the abortion clinic?  Are the “real” Christians the ones standing at the doors of the clinic, being a loving presence to the women walking inside?

Are the “real” Christians the ones who pray to God in front of the the multi-story cross on the side of the highway?  Or are they the ones who pray to God when they enter a grocery store wondering how to spend their money on food for the hungry?

Would the Christian who believes that Jesus died for their sins or lived to save them be more “right” with God?

Is it the Christian who believes that God has no idea what the future holds or the Christian who knows that God has a plan and that everything happens for a reason?

Do the “real” Christians come from the Democrats… or the Republicans… or the Independents?  Is it the watcher of Fox News or the listener of NPR?

So tell me… who is the “real” Christian?  Which one will be existing with God on that side of Heaven instead of burning in Hell?

Who do you think will be with you in Heaven?  Will it be the ones who think and act like you?

Or could it be all of us?

On Being an “Acts” Church

16 Monday Jun 2014

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By GFreihalter (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

 

This sermon was delivered on June 15, 2014 at St. Paul United Church of Christ, Old Blue Rock Road, Cincinnati, Ohio.

Has there ever been a unified Christianity?  This was one of the questions I was to answer on my Church History midterm in seminary.  From the surface view it looks as if there is and always has been one unified Christian thought.

But then we see the workings of the early church as seen in Acts (which I will discuss more in a minute).  We see the way people were tossed aside as heretics throughout the centuries – like Arius and his followers at the council of Nicea.  Or how about Augustine and Pelagius or Augustine and the Manichaeans.  Or Luther and the Catholic church.

Even in the early days of this country, people were not unified in their Christian thinking.  Those who came to the Massachusetts area did so to escape religion persecution in their homeland, but then imposed their belief on others – leading to some ugly moments like the Salem Witch Trials.  When people didn’t follow their religious formula, they were banished to states like Rhode Island – like Anne Hutchinson or Roger Williams.  By the way, those back in Massachusetts who disagreed with Anne Hutchinson said some pretty mean things about her and gloated when she later miscarried and then was slaughtered.

It often feels like someone has to be right and someone wrong.  So, my question is this: whose version of Christianity is right and whose is wrong?  Could it be that, as long as we could love one another and treat one another with respect, that we could ALL be right and and ALL be wrong?

Sitting in adult Sunday school and other Christian education classes, two confirmation classes and various informal conversations with congregants of this church, I have seen the great span of your convictions and beliefs.  And it is truly refreshing to see how each of you are serious of your faith journeys even though they each seem so different.

God, the Christ and the Holy Spirit are in one way or form parts of your faiths.  You hold your beliefs with such sacredness, and yet, you see it from your own angles.  The church means different things to you.  Salvation takes different approaches.  All of these beliefs spread into other parts of your life and lead to different beliefs on politics, parenting, family structures and more.

And that’s how I see the early church, the Jesus Movement, in the book of Acts.

Lately I feel like I’ve been drawn to reading the book of Acts.  Acts was written by the writers of Luke, so it’s basically Luke volume two as the two books together are known in the theological community as Luke-Acts.  It reflected a time when the disciples were trying to figure it all out after the earthly ministry of Jesus.  The Holy Spirit helped to give them the strength and courage they needed to be the leaders they needed to be in the early church.  But there were differences in the early believers.  There were the Jewish believers who thought that their traditions and law were necessary in this new figuration of faith – and this included dietary laws and necessary circumcision on the males.  But then the Gentiles came in – and the Gentiles did not have this same faith background or the same traditions.  So dietary laws and circumcision were not on their radars as they embraced this new faith.  There were challenges in reconciling these major differences.

And yet, even in their difficulties to reconcile the differences, they journeyed together in this Jesus Movement.

The New Interpreter’s Bible Commentary on the book of Acts states:

“Acts was written to consolidate disparate (or dissimilar) faith communions.  Luke’s irenic spirit (a spirit that reconciles different beliefs in peace) is no doubt an idealized feature of his theological vision.  At the same time, his ecumenicity (or yearning for unity) is never divorced from the hard pragmatics of the first church’s mission of the world.  A religious movement that lacks solidarity within its diverse membership will be ineffective in advancing its claim.”

Languages and traditions are the differences in Acts 2.  Remember the story of the Tower of Babel (Genesis 11)?  As they tried to build a tower as high as heaven, God scattered them with a variety of languages.  Acts 2 is what I believe is the other bookend of that story.  They have different languages, different experiences and different ways of acting out their faith, and here the Holy Spirit comes along and helps them understand one another even with their differing words and traditions.  The Holy Spirit opens them up to comprehend what others are saying and how they express themselves.

And that’s what we need for the Holy Spirit to do with us and with our society today.

Is it bad that we think or believe differently than one another?  Our society makes us feel like we should live in an “us versus them” world.  There are two primary political parties – both who rarely want to talk with one another, a situation that is becoming toxic for our country. It’s becoming dangerous because people see that sentiment of leadership not working together, and those in our country on every level feel like they don’t need to as well.  People of various Christian traditions won’t often dialogue with people who profess a different set of beliefs because they feel they hold the only “truth.”  We feel that there needs to be a winner and a loser in each situation.  But what if we don’t need a winner and loser?  What if God is so much bigger than this – that God can hold paradoxes?  What if both sides could be right – as long as both sides are loving to God, neighbor and self?  Could we live in that wilderness space of grayness and  uncertainty?  Might we ask how God is working with us in that space of ambiguity?

Here’s the one thing we rarely speak of in our churches or from our pulpits: no two people think or believe alike.  We go about our days believing every Christian has or should have a clone belief structure.  We don’t validate is that there is a diversity of Christian beliefs.  Each person is influenced by life experience in such unique ways that they experience the Divine – the Creator, Christ and Holy Spirit in their own context.

Chances are, the person sitting next to you will have a belief or two different than you.  Frankly, I don’t think Christianity and the Church acknowledges or encourages this enough.  Maybe people don’t think anyone will accept them for naming an unconventional belief.  So we keep quiet about this instead of being our authentic selves.

It’s what I like to call the Stained-Glass Elephant in the Sanctuary.  I’ll explain that a little further.  It’s an elephant in the room – something we don’t talk about.  And congregations are like a stained glass window.  Each person within the congregation is a different sliver of tinted glass.  When the light of Christ shines through the multi-color window, a beautiful array of color falls upon the carpet and pews of the sanctuary… and in our communities.

If all the colors in the window were alike, the beauty would not be so great.

So let’s embrace the idea of an Acts church, a stained glass church – a church filled with a variety of beliefs and traditions, a church that has members who speak a variety of unique perspectives, a church that pulls the Holy Spirit into its life process so that we can understand one another for where we are at.  In being this Acts church, we will embrace the differences between us and come together in sharing the good news of God’s love and grace with everyone around us.  Amen.

The Stained Glass Elephant in the Sanctuary

09 Monday Jun 2014

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elephant 2There’s something hidden in our sanctuaries… something no one wants to talk about…

Or maybe they’re too afraid.

They can’t admit that they believe something just a little differently than what they believe everyone else believes.  They show their faces in church, but their authentic voices are silenced in an effort to avoid shame.

Maybe they think no one will accept them.  Or they think that eternal punishment will follow them into the afterlife for having a heretical believe.  Maybe they think that their pastor will find them to be the congregation’s freak or banish them from church activities.

Here’s the one thing we rarely speak of in our churches or from our pulpits: no two people think or believe alike.  We go about our days believing every Christian has a clone belief structure.  What we don’t validate is that no one does.  Each person is influenced by life experience and the Holy Spirit in such unique ways that they experience the Divine in their own context.

In seminary we learned about the Wesleyan Quadralateral as a possible structure of our faith.  No longer is Scripture the only influence but our tradition (family, denomination, congregation, etc.), way we reason and our life experiences give us a lens in how we see God and the Holy in our lives.

If each and every person is influenced by these four pieces, whether they know it or not, then each and every person’s belief structure is just a little different than the person sitting next to them.

So you may keep wondering, “What if the person next to me finds out that I don’t believe in a literal Bible or virgin birth?  What if they see deep within my soul that I have deep doubts?  What if they believe I’m not a ‘real’ Christian?”

What is a “real” Christian anyway…

It no longer matters.  As long as you take you faith journey seriously and commit to taking care of your neighbors (not hurting any of God’s creation), then why should it matter what you believe?

Congregations are like a stained glass window.  Each person within the congregation is a different sliver of tinted glass.  When the light of Christ shines through the multi-color window, a beautiful array of color falls upon the carpet and pews of the sanctuary.

If all the colors in the window were alike, the beauty would not be so great.

So churches, stop avoiding the silent diversity that hides in the souls of your church.  Instead, celebrate the uniqueness that abides within you.  Celebrate the colors swirling around your sanctuary.  Know that in our diversity, splendor abounds.

Saying No in the Era of #YesAllWomen

28 Wednesday May 2014

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February 1992. I was eighteen years old in my freshman year of college. My friends introduced me to a really cute guy who was about a year or two older. We all hung out talking until around midnight. He then walked me back to my dorm room and gave me a kiss.

Alright. He’s cute. He’s sweet. I hope i hear from him…

The next evening, he calls. He asks me to go out. I didn’t feel like spending time with him that evening, so I politely declined. “You will go out with me,” he demands.

Excuse me? “No,” I replied.

He just couldn’t take no for an answer.

Eventually, we ended the phone conversation. I felt extremely vulnerable at that moment. Thoughts continued to cycle throughout my mind. What if he comes after me? What would this confrontation look like, and would I be safe? Fortunately, I found way to hang out with other friends that evening, away from campus – what I perceived to be a safer space.

Frankly, on that very evening, anywhere where he could not find me was safe.

*****

May 1992. I was nineteen years old finishing my freshman year of college. I was sitting in the library at my college trying to study when a man around my age came up to talk with me.

I was trying to brush him off – at this point I had another boyfriend. But he continuously asked for my number – over and over and over again. To him, it didn’t matter that I was in a relationship with another person.

Finally, I relented. I gave him my dorm room phone number and left the conversation.

A while later, he called me. I pretended that I was my roommate and told Whatshisname that I wasn’t home. He never called back.

But could he ever find me?

*****

Summer 1992. I was still nineteen years old between my freshman and sophomore years of college. I was driving on Route 159 in Swansea, Illinois when a guy in the next car at the stoplight locked eyes with me.

It’s always awkward to lock eyes with anyone in nearby cars. But this one had another agenda.

I started driving once the stoplight turned green. He then followed me.

No matter how fast I drove, he drove. He continuously tried to get my attention. But my attention was focused on working to lose him.

Block after block, he kept up. Then, I saw an upcoming street. At this point he was in the next lane and keeping up with my driving. I quickly turned down the road without giving any indication that I was making that move. He continued to drive on Route 159.

But what if I couldn’t figure out a way to lose him?

*****

These three stories happened to me over the course of six months. Understand that I could continue to write story after story about the varying types of harassments I’ve experienced in 23 years – from catcalls to mindgames to unwanted touching.

Now, I’m not talking about the guy who kindly asks me out even though I’m not interested. I’m talking the kind of behavior when I feel every type of red alarm has gone off and my gut is giving me a bad vibe – the guy who keeps pressuring me even though I continuously say “no.” There are many authentically nice guys out there. (I know since I’m dating one of the nice guys.) However, from personal experience, I can tell that 100% of the men in our society do not treat women as equals, and this type of controlling attitude and entitlement needs to stop. They think they can follow us, pressure us and guilt us into falling for them.

Our society encourages us to be “good girls.” Never say no. Be accommodating. The problem with being the good girl is that the controlling boys like to find us. They like to drain us of any self-esteem we may still have in our souls.

The story of Vashti always resonates with me when it comes to a woman who stood up for her body, mind and soul. She refused to be paraded around like an object by her husband King Xerxes (Ahasuerus) who then, probably, banished her from his life. It was a risked she was willing to take as she didn’t want to be objectified and controlled by men.

It takes years for us to find that confidence to realize we deserve better than all of this. We do not deserve to be paraded around or required to give in to a man’s desires each time he asks.

So when I think of this mass killing spree in Santa Barabara, I think of the way that men have felt entitled to the bodies, minds and souls of women since the Hebrew Bible – from Vashti to Tamar, the daughter of David who was raped by her brother.

When I see the spirit of women on social media this week and the many men who support us, I realize that maybe there’s hope in this conversation. Maybe there will be one less man who demands a date or sex, one less man who chases a woman or one less woman who feels pressured to give out her personal information.

Let’s find ways to stand together, girls and women of all ages. Let’s find a way to help each other feel safe even when we’ve felt violated. We deserve to be given the dignity that God has given each of us – as we are made in the image of our Creator, too.

Never Orphaned – A Memorial Day Prayer

19 Monday May 2014

Posted by in Church Life, Current Events, Life, Religion

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Gerry J. Gilmore [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons U.S.: Army Col. Carolyn Jones prepares to place some rose petals into the reflecting pool at the Women in Military Service for America Memorial’s annual Memorial Day observance, Arlington National Cemetery, Arlington, Va., May 26, 2008.

Never Orphaned – A Memorial Day Prayer
Based on John 14

For the families who have been torn apart by war-
You are not orphaned.
For the wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends wondering how their loved one will return-
You are not orphaned.
For the child who barely knows her father,
And for the child who lost his mother-
You are not orphaned.
For the mothers and fathers who receive the news of their child’s injury or demise,
And for the courageous who lost a piece of their body, soul or mind in battle-
You are not orphaned.

In a world torn apart by war,
In a world where conflict rides heavy,
And where we wonder how we’ll make it through another day-
God is here.

Encircling us in every moment is the peace which Christ left with us.
The Advocate, the Holy Spirit, bringing us comfort to make it until the next moment
To make it one day, one hour or one minute at a time.

And so we love.
We love those who return fragmented, traumatized by what they have seen
Or what they’ve had to do to survive.

We love those who no longer know how to relate to their spouse
After months of deployment, wondering how their marriage will survive.

We love those who long to see their loved one
After six months and a third deployment.

We love those who have external and internal wounds from wars
Ten, twenty, forty or seventy years ago.

Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid.
For wherever you abide, God is there.
Wherever you journey, the Divine walks with you.
And so do we.

Christ’s peace is left with us. Christ peace continuously is given to us.
Do not be afraid. Do not let your hearts be troubled.
Never will you be orphaned.

Written by Rev. Michelle L. Torigian