After watching the final episode of The Big C last evening, I reflected on how people will sometimes make peace on their deathbeds. ***Spoiler Alert*** In the final hours of her life, Cathy, the main character, makes peace with her father.
I’m not sure how often deathbed reconciliations happen, but the thought of reconciliation must pass through the mind of many hospice patients and those who are estranged from them.
But sometimes we don’t have a time of dying to prepare ourselves to leave from this earth. We don’t have time to tell the dying what they mean to us.
Death happens in an instant.
In light of the most recent tragic tornado in Oklahoma, I notice how more frequently people talk about hugging their children or being kind to strangers. This happened after the Newtown shooting and September 11. I even remember calling an ex-boyfriend after the September 11 tragedy in hopes to bring peace to our severed relationship. The world was turned upside down, and it felt like the right time to reach out to him.
I can’t help but think that reminders of our mortality usually push us into a space of desired peace, kindness and reconciliation. As we are reminded of our inevitable death, we reflect upon the meaning of our lives. Maybe we think we haven’t loved enough or we haven’t tried to bring peace into our relationships. We hold people closer – even the ones who have caused us pain.
And then, as time passes since the last tragedy, we let this sense of reconciliation and peace drift away. We go back to screaming at the car driving to slow ahead of us. We let out sighs of frustration when the person in front of us in the supermarket line has to run back into the store to get another 2-liter of soda. We argue with the ones we love.
Not to be negative, but shouldn’t a sense of mortality become a part of the way we treat our neighbors? Why do we expect that they or we will be around to speak words of love at a future time? Why do we go out of our way to spread kindness to strangers when a tragedy touches our nation, but just go about our business when life flows as usual.
And why do we think there will be some magical time as we are in the process of dying when we can reconcile with our loved ones? What if death happens in the blink of an eye, and we miss the chance to say “I love you.”
How do we want to live our one lifetime? How do we want to live in this moment here and now?
We should pour out the same amount of love for one another whether or not there are shootings, bombings, tornadoes or any other major tragedy nearby, somewhere in our country or across our planet.
A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog post in response to the suicide of Rick Warren’s child. I still stand by my belief that people who commit suicide do not go to hell.
Today in this community, a high school student shot himself in his classroom. As far as we know, he still struggles for his life.
No one is sure why this student would shoot himself in the classroom or even if he was trying to attempt suicide.
We’re not sure of much. But I am sure that God still loves this young man.
Whether someone’s intention was to kill themselves or not, God is the God of grace and love who will continue to pursue us to the farthest place in the universe. Psalm 139 reminds us that God is with us no matter how far we try to flee from God. Romans 8:38-39 remind us that nothing will separate us from God’s love – and that includes suicide.
So today, we pray for this young man and his family. We pray for those in the classroom who experienced this trauma. God is with all of you and so are we.
Feel free to read this post I had written about the suicide of Rick Warren’s son:
Today, I heard the news that Rick Warren’s son committed suicide. I can’t imagine what pain a parent would feel upon hearing the news that his or her own son ended their own life.
Granted, I may not agree with many theological points that Rick Warren believes. His style of ministering and preaching may not be my style.
But, without a doubt, he is a child of God just as you and I are children of God. He is part of the same Body of Christ that we belong. He is made in the image of God the way all of us are made in God’s image. God loves Rick Warren as much as God loves all of us. And on the other side of heaven, Rick Warren will be there along with all of us.
Right now, God mourns with Rick. God cries with Rick. God surrounds Rick and his family with love, grace, comfort and peace.
We are called to do the same.
Because there is a hole in the heart and spirit of Rick, there is a hole in our spirits as well. Because we are all part of the same vine and branches, we feel the branch that has been lost because Rick’s son Matthew is not walking with us on earth. We feel a tremor in the whole body because Rick and his family have experienced this loss.
I tire hearing some theological traditions that believe that suicide sends people to hell. Suicide is a result of mental illness. As depression is a health issue, it can consume a person so greatly. People do not choose to end their lives because Satan or some “evil force” causes them commit suicide. Because of body chemistry and hormones, depression grasps the emotions of a person and causes them to understand reality in different ways. This is a scientific and medical reality. So Matthew isn’t in hell. Matthew is finally seeing God in God’s fullest. Matthew is able to see himself as God sees him. Matthew can experience God’s full love and grace. And Matthew is still a member of the great Cloud of Witnesses who will welcome us as we transition from this life to the next.
May the Warren family feel God’s peace, love and comfort during this time. We pray for all who are contemplating suicide tonight and those who experience deep depression. Amen.
This gives me no time to fill my “Before 40” bucket list – the list of activities I wished I had accomplished before I turn 40. There are things I would have loved to cross off before this impending birthday, but it doesn’t look like these will happen.
Here is my “not going to accomplish before 40” bucket list.
Meet the love of my life (could happen, probably won’t)
Write a book
Go to New York City
Get married
Go to Europe
See Van Morrison in concert again
Run a marathon/half-marathon
Have a child (birth or adoption)
Buy a house
Meet Ben Affleck
Take a cake decorating class
Be an extra in a movie
I’m sure there’s other items…
Have some of you felt the urge to complete certain activities before you turned 30, 40, 50, etc? What happened when you didn’t complete them? Did you feel discouraged or even less than whjole?
Or did you save them for the next decade?
Why is completing our dreams so important by a certain age? I think about Jesus the man, especially this Holy Week, I wonder if he was at a content place before he died? Did he have his own Bucket List? Was Jesus’ bucket list one that included improving the conditions for the poor and expendables during his time? Was it one that included a significant other, marriage and children?
Or was he just blissful living fully in each moment? Maybe that should be #1 on my list.
If you do have a way to help me make the other 12 things happen in the next 15 days, let me know…
“I’m a straight ally pastor who is here for you dealing w/#TheStrugglesOfBeingGay. God loves you just as you are! :)”
I received a few responses from people on Twitter. I think they needed to hear that there are people of faith who support and love them.
How could I not tweet this? Jesus the Christ loved everyone. Am I not called to do the same thing?
But that’s not the only reason.
I have experienced the unconditional, steadfast love of God through my gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered friends. They have been open to sharing Christ’s radical love. And this has led me to becoming a straight ally.
Since college, I continuously have new LGBT friends coming into my life. I’ve met them through friends, work and school. Some of my dearest friends have come out to me since we’ve met, and others have come out years prior to our meeting.
This is what I would say to those of you who are my LGBT friends in a friendship letter of love:
I think you are all so very brave to truly be the person God has made you. And I am blessed by all of you in my life.
When I’ve been down, you have listened to me. When I’ve been sick, you have brought me food. You have prayed with me in times of trouble. We’ve laughed together, and we’ve cried together. You have encouraged me in my calling and been a huge part of my faith journey.
You are witnesses to the steadfast presence of Christ in our friendships and in this world. You’ve extended hands of hospitality and truly cared about me just as I am.
To my friends who identify as gay, lesbian, transgendered, bisexual, queer, asexual, questioning and fellow straight allies… thank you.
This is a letter of love back to you. Our orientations and gender identities may be different, and I don’t know the true capacity of strife you’ve experienced in your lives. But I am proud to stand next to you and say we are all children of God, and we are all made in God’s image. We all want joy in our lives, and we all want to be loved just as we are.
Thank you for inviting me to your weddings to see new covenants being made. Thank you for breaking bread with me. Thank you for allowing me to be a visitor in your homes. My life is better because you are in it.
Love, Michelle
Now, to my friends who are still in the camp of “traditional” marriage (a.k.a. marriage between one man and one woman): I recognize that you will not all will agree with me. Many just aren’t there when it comes to expanding marriage, yet you treat LGBT people with respect. I try to be sensitive about voicing my views to people who aren’t quite at the same place I am about gay marriage and various gay rights. Experiencing new people and new situations takes a certain comfort level. I highly encourage you to continue conversations with LGBT friends, and maybe your views on love, life and God will change.
And then there are people who are relentless about keeping love in a box: those who use the Bible against their fellow sisters and brothers. I realize that standing quietly by and allowing seriously bigoted views to float through our atmosphere does not make sense anymore. Allowing bullying and slanderous words should no longer be in our society.
I’ve heard from some people think that loving a person requires trying to change someone into becoming straight, and that being gay is not good enough. So here’s what I’d like to say to these friends. Here’s my letter to those who have closed themselves off from having unconditional loving relationships with their LGBT sisters and brothers:
I have to ask you a couple questions: How would you like it if someone wanted to change something about you that you could not change? How would you enjoy living in a world where people didn’t love you for who you are.
You see, my LGBT friends are moral. Extremely moral and kind. They know Christ in ways that many bigoted people seem to miss. They know Christ in ways that I have even neglected sometimes. All they want is to have the same chances at love as you do. And I’m sorry that those of you who are my close-minded friends have missed out on such love and beauty in your lives.
I also do not want my LGBT friends hurting anymore. I want them to feel the same dignity you and I feel. I want them to feel no shame. I want them to experience the overflowing love of God. And that is why I write to you today.
My prayers are that God helps you see people and the human condition in new ways – mostly so that you will have an enriched life full of overflowing love.
Love, Michelle
After watching Lincoln this weekend, I had to write this. It came to mind that, generation after generation, some people feel the need to oppress others to keep their status of life more valid. What happens when slaves are freed – will they get to vote? What happens when they vote – will women get to vote? Justice is a slippery slope. But that’s the good and decent slippery slope that needs to happen. Through logic, I see how those who defended slavery and stood against voting rights for minorities and women were on the wrong side of justice. Those who stood against interracial marriage were on the wrong side of justice. In 50 years, people will wonder why so many in the early 21st century stood on the wrong side of justice. Just like those defending injustice decades ago, they used God and the Bible as their reasoning (yet continued to eat bacon-wrapped shrimp).
For Martin Luther King, Jr. said “The arc of the universe is long but it bends towards justice.”
Join me on this side of the arc of justice. If you haven’t had the chance to get to know LGBT people around you, I highly suggest it. They will bless your lives in new ways. Listen to their stories. Hear the struggles they’ve endured. Know that God will be presence as you listen to each.
I feel that writing this is a bit of a risk. But, in this life, I feel the necessity to share God’s overflowing love. That’s the love that brings connection and understanding. And how wonderful of a world it would be if we could experience this in one another!
I thank all of you who have open my eyes to new types of love. Let’s keep love outside of the box today, this Valentine’s Day and throughout the year.
I do not like Valentine’s Day. It’s yet another painful reminder of how my life has not followed a certain flow.
Yet I don’t want to remain stuck in the sticky web of melancholy on another holiday. When I reframed New Year’s Eve this year, it was probably one of the best NYE’s in recent past.
Now I want to reframe Valentine’s Day.
There has to be more than the absence of cards and flowers. There has to be a wide spectrum of joy on a day absent of romance.
So I need some ideas on how I can make my and others’ Valentine’s Day spectacular. One plan is visiting some of our congregants in nursing homes. How else can I bring joy and love to our world on a day that can be very discouraging for people?
When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known.
1 Corinthians 13:11-12
When I was a child, or rather a young adult, I thought I knew everything there was about love. I thought I knew everything there was to the person I loved.
Now I reason so much differently.
Nightswimming by REM represents the shift in understanding of what love truly means. While the song was more popular and a significant memory in my early adult years, I’ve attained a deeper understanding of what the song means now that I’m twenty years older.
In fact, the song means so much more to me now than ever. The version posted above is one performed by Michael Stipe years after the initial recording. A sense of maturity and understanding echoes in his voice. It is a maturity with which I identify as I reflect back on my younger years.
I thought I knew the one I loved. But can we ever know the person with whom we fall in love? Can we ever truly know our family members and our friends.
And so this line in Nightswimming says it all:
You I thought I knew you. You I can not judge. You I thought you knew me.
We truly think the people who love us know us. We hold this misconception that we fully know the ones we love and interact with on a daily basis.
Each relationship that fails is based on two people thinking they know all there is to know about each other. There’s sadness when relationships fail.
But what we forget is that we only see in a mirror. We make judgments on unclear reflections. Only God sees us for who we are. If we could see the people we love with God’s eyes, our interactions would be so very different.
I believe there’s grace in knowing that everyone fails at understanding each other. Everyone fails at knowing their deepest selves – – even with years of therapy and reflection. All we can do in our lives is try our best to know one another and grasp the notion that we will never know everything about the people we love.
I thought I knew you. But I see you in a dimly lit mirror. I don’t know really know who you are. I can not judge you. Please do not judge me because you can only see parts of who I am. Someday, we will see each other fully as God fully knows each of us. Until that time, may grace and forgiveness may be abundant in our lives.
As some of you know, I’m having surgery this coming Tuesday. And whenever I face surgery, I get a little (or very) introspective.
I think with the new year, cleaning out a great deal of my house, facing surgery and turning 40 this year, I’m looking at every part of my life in great detail. So this may be my most personal blog post to-date.
And right now, I’m reflecting on why I’ve never found “the right man.”
Sure, there’s more than one right person for each of us. And I’ve come close once or twice. But I’ve been asking myself what has held me back all of these years?
First of all, I’ve often believed I was not “good enough”: not smart enough, definitely not pretty enough, too awkward. From the time I was in middle school until now, I have rarely experienced feeling loved “just as I am.”
I’ve dated, crushed and had the prospect of dating a number of wonderful guys. Sure, some are remembered more fondly than others. But when it comes to dating, I always perceived that I was the one being overlooked (except for about 2 days in 1992).
Then, I was always the girl who dated the guy right before the guy found “the one.” Seriously. Almost always. There’s something to be said about guys constantly finding the right one immediately after dating, contemplating a relationship, etc. In fact, after a five year relationship, the guy got engaged to a girl eight months later. The message of non-marriage material became cemented in my mind.
So for most of 25 years I’ve carried around this overbearing inferiority complex. And it’s time for it to change…to leave my heart, mind and soul…
The second major reason I am single is that I’m scared of what it would mean for me to be in a relationship. Whenever I’ve been in relationships, I find myself changing who I am. I lose part of myself. I have to move or give up plans for a guy. I don’t like having to be the one who has to give up a career/change a name/lose friends/leave a town/give up dreams just to make a guy happy. From most of my experience and most of the relationships I’ve seen, it’s always the woman giving up something for a man. For me, I’ve learned to love being single rather than losing part of myself. But then, in recent years, I’ve seen how friends find relationships where both of their dreams and identities are honored. So relationships like this have to exists.
Now all of you know why I’m nearly 40 and single.
So as I’ve cleaned my house and having surgery to be “cleaned out” (so to speak), I’m cleaning out my heart as well. I am no longer going to think that I am not “good enough.” I’m at least average pretty. I’m not “too fat.” I’m fairly smart and have strong talents in certain areas. While I’m not trying to air my dirty laundry for the world to see, I’m needing to be transparent with this, to be held accountable, to not to slide back and think I’m “less than.”
To repeat myself: the guys I’ve dated have been great guys. I can no longer internalize why these things didn’t work. Maybe it’s just that I wasn’t the right one for that particular guy – not that I wasn’t altogether pretty/smart. Looking back, none of these guys were the right one for me either, but it doesn’t mean that they weren’t the right one for someone. Likewise, I’m reframing the way I look at this: it’s not because I wasn’t pretty/talented/smart. It was because either the two of us didn’t click at the level where two people should (who want to date/marry), or it was because God is calling us both in a different direction.
I am not a conventional woman. Breaking the mold is who I am. I’m quirky. And I’m in a unique career: a female clergy. I’ve spent the past 25 years preparing myself for this call. I’ve taken the past 25 years to get to know who I am. For some people, dating and finding the right one is easy. It’s not for me, but that doesn’t mean I’m broken beyond repair. God is the God of second chances and grace. So now is my time to grasp that grace and shine. It’s time for me to know that I am no more or less flawed than anyone else. It’s time for me to believe that I can find someone someday… I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and someone will cherish me as I will cherish him.
There is a season for everything… a time to keep and a time to throw away… Well, this is my time to throw away thoughts that have held me back…
And there is a time to love… and that will come soon…
Thanks for reading. This was a deeply personal post. I hope that someone reading this will see that all of us are made in God’s beautiful image and that each of us deserve love and second chances.
I preached this sermon on December 24, 2012 at St. Paul United Church of Christ, Old Blue Rock Rd., Cincinnati.
What is love?
When we think about love, we often think about romance, even falling in love. We think about the love that a parent passes along to a child, grandparent to grandchild. Our mind goes to the most-familiar love scenarios: two people falling in love. A marriage ceremony. The birth of a child.
But from what I see from the Divine, God is all about shining love in the least likely places.
Here we are at the stable, a non-conventional place for any child to be born. At this little manger, a new spark of love is born into the world.
If you look at Luke’s account which was just read, in Jesus’ first few hours and days of his life, he was surrounded by love. And not just by his parents, but shepherds appeared adoring the baby. After leaving the stable, Mary and Joseph presented Jesus at the Temple in Jerusalem. While they were at the Temple, Simeon and the prophet Anna showered Jesus with love and gave glory to God for the experience of being with Jesus.
I believe this experience with love from the least likely people at the beginning of his life helped Jesus to truly understand the presence of God around him and within each of us. And I believe that his experience with love in the first few days of his life gave Jesus that extra persuasion to preach love. Already born with the spark of the divine within him, Jesus grew in love, knowing that nothing else was greater than loving God, our neighbors and even ourselves.
We just never know who we’re going to interact with in our lives, and how this love will ripple into the world. Through these interactions, Jesus felt love in his earliest days, and, to me, helped him grow in love.
Throughout the ministry of Jesus we see scenes of Jesus bringing compassion to the sick and those deemed unclean by society. We see him having dinner with those who were the outcasts. And they experienced divine, unconditional steadfast love that we see in Jesus. Two thousand years later, the love that was given to Jesus and the love that Jesus gave to so many can still be felt in our world.
But how can we love when someone has hurt us so horrifically?
Earlier this year, a car pulled in front of James Moore, not giving him enough time to stop. He slammed into the car. While he was not at fault in the accident, the driver of the car, Zeke Stepaniak was killed and another passenger injured. James had a heavy heart. Even though it wasn’t his fault, he still felt so much guilt for the accident. Soon after the accident, Zeke’s family, who are from the Colerain township area, contacted James in love. While both families were reeling in anguish, they started praying with one another. And on the day of the funeral, James Moore walked in with the family of Zeke Stepaniak. Through their tragedy, they had adopted each other as family, putting grace and love above anger and hurt.
From this story, we see that love showers us with grace.
Have you seen the film Love Actually? The opening scene begins at Heathrow airport, where people are blissfully meeting their loved ones at the arrivals gate. Then the prime minister states this:
“Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion’s starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don’t see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there – fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge – they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaking suspicion… love actually is all around.”
So love is all around? Love is in those in-between moments? It’s hard to see hope, peace, joy and love after the tragedy happens. The events in Connecticut a couple of weeks ago gave us each a heavy heart. We know some of our sisters and brothers will be dealing with so much pain this Christmas, pain from grieving, depression and conflicts.
Often it’s difficult to see love when so many that we care about are truly hurting.
But then we open our eyes a little more. We look around at what is happening around us. People are sitting with someone who’s ill or grieving. People we don’t even know are praying for us. We see love going beyond races, genders, sexual orientations, religious beliefs, family structures, political views. Love is the universal truth that we as Christians experience in Christ.
Bad things happen in our lives. There’s no way to avoid all suffering in our lifetime. But, again, we meet love in an unlikely place as we walk the horrible road of suffering. Love has the potential to take a very bad situation and make it less painful and lonely. Love is contagious, and once we experience the greatness of love shared with us we can’t help but pass it forward.
From what we often see, love is always present, love is around us during moments of pain and moments of bliss.
From the recent tragedy in Connecticut, journalist Ann Curry tweeted “imagine if everyone could commit to doing one act of kindness for each precious life lost. An act of kindness big or small. Are you in?” The theme #26acts represent many of those whose lives were lost in Newtown. Now people are posting their acts online hoping to influence more and more people to do the same. A seven year old bought coffee for eight people with his own money. Someone else bought books for a child in need. This is how love trickles into the world.
And then the spirit of love keeps nudging people to pay it forward. People are creatively finding ways to bring love and comfort to the lives of their fellow neighbors.
How are we living into this theme of active love? Just yesterday we collected presents for local children in need. We collected food for those at Washington UCC. In the past month, we’ve gone Christmas caroling, took cookies to our neighboring businesses and held a community dinner.
The love of Christ has touched so many hearts in this congregation, and we can not help but pass this along to our neighbors.
From this example, we see that love is not only a feeling but an active part of our lives.
Each little experience with love impacts us. From the time we are young into our later years, each time we meet love somewhere, we experience the presence of God. The more we share that love, the more others see God in their lives.
And that is what God is calling us to do this Christmas and throughout the entire year.
Part of our congregation’s vision statement is Carrying Christ Love to All. Our love a church family is an active part of our faith. To us, love means having open tables and open hearts to all as we are all part of the Body of Christ. Through our church’s vision of mission, nurture, laughter and inclusiveness, we have faith that people in our church and community will experience God. Through our involvement in this community, we pray that others will see the unconditional love of Christ in their midst.
How is God challenging you to love outside of the box today? Maybe it’s extending love to someone who has hurt you. Maybe it’s giving grace to yourself for making a mistake so many months ago. Maybe it’s opening your eyes to a new way of loving. Maybe it’s sharing your love with someone in pain.
Two thousand years ago, from simple beginnings, a baby was born. With that birth came hope, light and love that has rippled into our world. As we go forward, let us remember that love happens in the least likely places and ways and between the least likely people. And today we see this in that least likely place: far away from home, surrounded by animals and strangers in a drafty stable.
Michelle L. Torigian 