Tag Archives: turning 40

Remembering Birthdays

09 Tuesday Apr 2013

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zcakeAs I cross into midnight of this very significant birthday, I can’t help but remember a great number of birthdays gone by…

I struggled with influenza at 10.  And then I had to reschedule my birthday party twice.  The first time, I had a fever.  The second time, I woke up with nausea and low blood sugar.  The third time was a charm.

My house was filled with boxes on my 13th birthday.  Everything seemed so unsettled around me.  We moved two days later.

I invited a number of people to celebrate my 18th birthday at my parents’ house.  Of course, my parents were home (I was a well-behaved teenager).  But all my friends told me they couldn’t make it.  So the three friends who could attend took me out for dinner.  When we got back to my parents’ house, a multitude of friends yelled in unison “Surprise.”

It wasn’t a surprise.  I knew they were planning it.

Around my 19th birthday, I was dating a guy for a couple of months.  He took me out for my birthday dinner somewhere on The Hill in St. Louis.  When the check came, he asked me to pay for my own meal… but to slip the money under the table so no one could see that I was paying for myself.  I’m not sure how I allowed that relationship to last three more months.

I waited around for my boyfriend to join me at my parents house to ring in birthday #20.  I waited.  And waited.  And waited.  And I believe tension blossomed when he finally showed up.

Celebrating my 21st birthday by going out at midnight.  I celebrated with the boyfriend, another classmate and my friend Lisa who died just a year ago.  The day after my birthday, I headed up to Canada to watch my grandma die.

Twenty-two was spent at a small but laid-back and cheerful gathering at my friend Mike’s apartment.

I celebrated 23 in Florida.  I had just interviewed and received my first real job.

My friends surprised me with a party for 25.  I didn’t have a clue they were planning my birthday.  But then it had crossed my mind that a party could be in the works as I walked into the restaurant.  I was surprised that time.

Then, the day after my 25th birthday was one of the most heartbreaking nights I’ve had in any relationship.

My 30th birthday was the day Baghdad fell.  And I cried when realizing what I had not yet completed in my life.  But my birthday cake was delicious.

On my 31st birthday, mom, dad and I went to the Magic Kingdom in Orlando.  It was delightful.  Because I was wearing a “It’s my birthday” button, I was wished “Happy Birthday” by countless strangers that day, most of whom were Disney employees.

My 32nd birthday was to be celebrated with another guy I was kind of seeing.  But then he kept delaying and delaying getting together with me.  I waited.  And waited.  And waited.  And much later that evening, he finally called me after deciding to hang out with his adult nephew.  The next day, he gave me my birthday gift: glass jars.

From the time I was 35 until 37, I celebrated my birthday with seminary friends in St. Louis.  Usually, we would gather at Schlafly’s Bottleworks in Maplewood.  When I went back there for my 39th birthday, the restaurant was closed for the evening, and the party had to be moved to Roadhouse in Webster Groves.

Which brings me here to 39 (again), or also known as 40.  Forty years of birthdays, some I fondly remember and some crushed my heart.  But here are a few things I have learned from my birthdays:

  • I believe I’ve gotten more birthday smiles from strangers than old boyfriends.  But nothing compares to the birthdays I’ve spent with my friends and family who encircled me with love.
  • Now that I’m 40, I’m going to say it: I’m happy I’m not married to any of these guys.   Shouldn’t the people who say they love and cherish us live up to their promises – at least one day of the year?  Or give us a gift that has personal significance (even if they didn’t pay much for it)?  If they spend time with us, shouldn’t the words they use be words of love?  Lost loves: I’m glad I’ve know you.  I’ve learned much from you.  But now I’m looking towards the future where I am treated with dignity.
  • Gifts aren’t  necessary.   But when they are given, the greatest gifts are given from the heart and not the pocketbook.  Frankly, the greatest gift is time.
  • No birthday is perfect.  The more we try to perfect the day and raise our expectations, the more the day disappoints us.  When the unexpected happens or when expectations are low, then the day can only get better.
  • Each and every birthday greeting warms my heart.  I don’t care if I know you or how I know you, when you wish me “Happy Birthday”, you have ignited my soul.  Thank you.

Bucket Lists

25 Monday Mar 2013

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IMG_20130325_200855In fifteen days, I turn 40.

This gives me no time to fill my “Before 40” bucket list – the list of activities I wished I had accomplished before I turn 40.  There are things I would have loved to cross off before this impending birthday, but it doesn’t look like these will happen.

Here is my “not going to accomplish before 40” bucket list.

  1. Meet the love of my life (could happen, probably won’t)
  2. Write a book
  3. Go to New York City
  4. Get married
  5. Go to Europe
  6. See Van Morrison in concert again
  7. Run a marathon/half-marathon
  8. Have a child (birth or adoption)
  9. Buy a house
  10. Meet Ben Affleck
  11. Take a cake decorating class
  12. Be an extra in a movie

I’m sure there’s other items…

Have some of you felt the urge to complete certain activities before you turned 30, 40, 50, etc?  What happened when you didn’t complete them?  Did you feel discouraged or even less than whjole?

Or did you save them for the next decade?

Why is completing our dreams so important by a certain age?  I think about Jesus the man, especially this Holy Week, I wonder if he was at a content place before he died?  Did he have his own Bucket List?  Was Jesus’ bucket list one that included improving the conditions for the poor and expendables during his time?  Was it one that included a significant other, marriage and children?

Or was he just blissful living fully in each moment?  Maybe that should be #1 on my list.

If you do have a way to help me make the other 12 things happen in the next 15 days, let me know…

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, the Apocalypse and Turning 40

01 Saturday Dec 2012

Posted by in Movies, Pop, Pop Culture

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Luke 21:25-36

25“There will be signs in the sun, the moon, and the stars, and on the earth distress among nations confused by the roaring of the sea and the waves. 26People will faint from fear and foreboding of what is coming upon the world, for the powers of the heavens will be shaken.27Then they will see ‘the Son of Man coming in a cloud’ with power and great glory. 28Now when these things begin to take place, stand up and raise your heads, because your redemption is drawing near.”

29Then he told them a parable: “Look at the fig tree and all the trees;30as soon as they sprout leaves you can see for yourselves and know that summer is already near. 31So also, when you see these things taking place, you know that the kingdom of God is near. 32Truly I tell you, this generation will not pass away until all things have taken place. 33Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will not pass away. 34“Be on guard so that your hearts are not weighed down with dissipation and drunkenness and the worries of this life, and that day catch you unexpectedly, 35like a trap. For it will come upon all who live on the face of the whole earth. 36Be alert at all times, praying that you may have the strength to escape all these things that will take place, and to stand before the Son of Man.” (NRSV)

I have a love-hate relationship with the apocalyptic.

Ever since I was young, apocalyptic movies have scared me to no end.  Testament.  The Day After.  Miracle Mile.  Melancholia.  I’m not talking about the softy-apocalyptic movies like The Day After Tomorrow, Independence Day, Deep Impact and Armageddon.  I’m referring to those movies where no one lives at the end or death is immanent for everyone.  When these movies are playing on cable, I can’t turn away.  I am eerily drawn to them.

Reflecting on what these movies mean, at first glance I see “no hope.”  There’s no way to escape this.  Some of these are human-made and some are natural.  Yet there is no route of escape.

I remember March 10, 1982.  Hearing that the world was going to explode because the planets were going to align gave me much anxiety (see the Jupiter Effect).  I was almost 9 years old, so the possibility of doomsday took over my thoughts for the day.

I was also scared of the Bible texts like the one listed above.  As a child, Matthew 24 was my scary text.  It was as scary as March 10, 2012 or the movie The Day After.  What was Jesus talking about?  And when was this happening to us?

Back then, the early Christian communities (part of the Jesus Movement) believed that Jesus would be appearing at any moment.  In 2000 years, it didn’t happen.  In the past 39 1/2 years of my lifetime, nuclear wars and earth-ending natural disasters haven’t happened either.

Now that I’m an adult, I’m less anxious about a planet or meteor/asteroid hitting us.  I’m even less anxious about a nuclear war occurring.  Do I fear December 21?  No.  It’s another day that will come and go.  Logic and reason have now replaced expanding fears of the last days.  And with December 21, I see a change in seasons and the beginning of longer days.

But I continue to age, and I see how life continues to change, and life is full of loss.

Seeing the film Seeking a Friend for the End of the World is another reminder of our fragile lives and the grieving process we continuously endure.  All human life faces their extinction.  There will be nothing left.  Total extinction is a horrifying thought.  Sure – for many of us, there’s the hope of an afterlife with God, but we’re not always 100% sure what that’s going to look like.  We have faith that God will be there, but it’s still the unknown, and there’s still loss when transitioning from this life to the next.

***Sorta Spoiler Alert*** The most beautiful part in the movie is the end, where salvation is found in the love of people surrounding us.  That’s all I’ll say.  ***End of Spoiler Alert***

As we see in this movie and so many others, the chaos that occurs in response to the pending apocalypse is probably the scariest part of many films.  Some people are violent.  There are others who are kind.  The beautiful moments in these films are the human interactions that show love even in the face of doom.

Even if the world doesn’t end in fire and/or ice, with a bang or a mushroom cloud, there are still endings and beginnings.  My new apocalypse is turning 40.

Sure, this is absolutely a first-world problem.  But as the day grows closer, I still experience this sense of doom and loss.  What will the other side of 40 look like?  Who will be there?

It’s hard to do but instead of looking at 40 as the end of my young adulthood and the end of life’s summer, I instead look for a new hope.  There is hope after the long decade of my 30’s.  There is newness in a new decade, a new year.

So why does Advent start with such a shadow-like text?  We might as well be watching an apocalyptic marathon.  Because, unlike the apocalyptic movies, Jesus shows us that the end is a new beginning.  The end of our church year is a beginning of a new one.   The end of my 30’s is the beginning of a new decade with new levels of confidence and new relationships.  I am blessed to have so many by my side as I cross the threshold of a new decade.

So the fig trees are ripening, the year is ending and gray hairs are beginning to grow in my scalp.  Even so, the presence of God and neighbor are here, and that is where I find my hope.