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Michelle L. Torigian

~ God Goes Pop Culture

Michelle L. Torigian

Tag Archives: divorce

Single in the Sanctuary – Valentine’s Day in the Church

09 Tuesday Feb 2016

Posted by mictori in Church Life, Holidays, Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

divorce, Jesus, progressive Christianity, Single, single in the sanctuary, Widowed, widows

love lightOnce again this year, Valentine’s Day happens to fall on a Sunday.  Now, this shouldn’t matter because it’s the first Sunday of Lent, and it isn’t an actual church holiday.

Yet, I have a feeling that some churches will be embracing societal’s yearnings by filling each little crevice of worship with mentions of this Hallmark holiday.  From my experience, I’ve seen how churches hold couples’ dances, talk about how wonderful marriage (especially heterosexual marriage) is and fill sermons and prayers for those who have already found their lifelong love.

But I’ve sat in the pews and attended churches where marriage (heterosexual ones, at that) were considered the ideal.  There didn’t feel like there was a place for this single gal… let alone our single savior, Jesus.  I felt crushed at times and even needed to leave the sanctuary on the random Sunday when the pastor gave a message marginalizing people like me.

Part of the reason I’ve started writing the Single in the Sanctuary feature and, down the road, book is to reinforced the need to validate people of all different marital statuses in the church.  One of the most-needed days of the year for us to be sensitive to the emotions of the unmarried (especially the ones who are not content as unmarried) is Valentine’s Day.

So church leaders – as you finalize your bulletins for this Sunday, remember the following:

  • A large percentage of those in our pews are not married.  They are single, divorced, widowed and cohabitating.  And each of them need our love and validation too.  We need to acknowledge where they are in their lives today – whether they have chosen their relationship status or life just happened to them.
  • 1 Corinthians 13 is not just about romantic love; it’s about something so much greater than marriages and couples.  The love chapter is about God’s steadfast, unconditional love.  It’s a love that we are called to have for each of our neighbors – not just our significant others.  Plus, this chapter reminds us that we need to love our neighbors, friends, enemies, significant others and everyone else as if we are looking through the eyes of God.  That’s more than any romcom could ever portray… although Mark Darcy telling Bridget Jones that he loves her “just as she is” comes close.
  • Shame is a piece in relationship statuses.  Still single?  What’s wrong with you?  Cohabitating?  Why can’t you just get married?  Divorced?  Why couldn’t you make your marriage work.  Part of a gay or lesbian couple?  Doesn’t God think that’s an abomination?  Having sex outside of marriage?  You are a sinner!  These are the messages that keep circling around faith communities.  Our job as the Church is to make sure that these messages are eradicated and that shame outside of the straight nuclear message doesn’t exist.
  • Pray for all marital statuses in this church – from the newly married couple, to the couple who are having challenges, to the single person with a newly fresh broken heart, to the widower experiencing his first Valentine’s Day alone.

Finally, Jesus was single.  What we believe we know is that he was never married.  We don’t know much else about this. We may wonder if he got his heart broken or if he just never had the time to get married.  But he brought together people of all marital statuses.  And that’s what we’re called today each and every day in the church.  The church isn’t just for couples or families.  It’s for all of God’s children.

Are you a progressive non-married Christian or a friend?  Please join in this new Facebook group “Single in the Sanctuary” for conversation and support.

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Single in the Sanctuary – Holiday Hospitality

28 Wednesday Oct 2015

Posted by mictori in Holidays, Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

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Christmas, divorce, holidays, loneliness, on own holidays, progressive Christianity, Single, single in the sanctuary, Singlehood, Thanksgiving, widows

Being away from your family during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays is horrible.  Being single on top of this is even worse.

I’ve spent many holidays away from my family.  The first Christmas was the toughest.  I was 23 years old, living in Florida by myself and had a number of invitations to join other family units that day.  And while I did spend some of the day with others, I managed to get one of the worst headaches of my life, no doubt from the stress of being alone on Christmas day.

Fortunately over the years, I believe that God has provided me with people whom I celebrated these major holidays.  From hanging with a pastor’s family at Busch Gardens in 2001 to spending Thanksgiving with an ex-boyfriend and his parents in 2005, I’ve had some interesting opportunities, conversations and company while absent from my family.  Days were less lonely because there were others willing to open their homes to me even though I wasn’t part of their family.

As a single person, especially when I lived in Florida, I would often be given the gift of sitting at the table with other families.  This is a gift I hope I am able to pay back as the years progress.  Through friends’ open doors and plentiful tables, I was able to feel less alone when my family lived 1,000 miles away.

I think most of us do a phenomenal job with making sure those who are hungry are fed.  But what would it be like to not only feed those who are hungry but open a table to those who have no one in their lives?

Can you think of friends who may not have families in which to spend the holidays?  How can we invite them to be our family for part of the day?  That’s our responsibility as people of faith and as people with the gift of family.  We are called to open ourselves up to those who may be alone on holidays and special occasions to be an honorary part of our families.  Just like Jesus asked his followers “who is my mother and who are my brothers,” we are to expand our families to include others into our fold.  Many of his followers had to rely on the generosity of others while on their ministry journey.  How can we be like the families who opened their houses to Jesus and the early disciples and make sure they become parts of our families, even for a day or season?

What will you do this Thanksgiving or Christmas to make sure the widow, orphan, single guy or gal, newly divorced person or individual away from their family to make sure they are at your table too?

Me. Christmas 1998 in Florida at the age of 25. Sans family.

Me. Christmas 1998 in Florida at the age of 25. Sans family.

 

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Single in the Sanctuary – Marital Status Marginalization

20 Tuesday Oct 2015

Posted by mictori in Life, Pop, Single in the Sanctuary

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

are singles welcome in the church, divorce, non-traditional family, progressive Christianity, questions about single, Single, single in the sanctuary, single moms, Singlehood, singles in the church

By E. W. Russell, Photographer [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Starting today, I will be posting a new weekly feature called “Single in the Sanctuary.” The recurring topic will focus on what it means to be a non-married progressive Christian in the twenty-first century.

I doubt I’m the only one who has felt a bit left out of the church based on the fact that I’m over 40 and still not married.  Even when I was in my late 20’s and early 30’s, I felt out of place because I don’t have the traditional family structure.

We look around our churches and, most of the time, only see certain demographics, namely

  • Married with children
  • Married, retired with grown children
  • Widowed

Only on occasions like the Christmas and Easter holidays or weddings, baptisms and funerals do I see my demographic: the never-married person.  I don’t see many divorced individuals, single parents, co-habitating couples, LGBT individuals and couples either.

In reality, people are getting married later.  Many marriages do not last.  Couples are choosing to live together for a while before deciding to marry.  So why don’t they feel comfortable being themselves in our sanctuaries?  Are we welcoming enough for these demographics?

Could it be that our sanctuaries become a sanctuary for those with an “ideal lifestyle” as set by the Christian right – a life which promotes purity, a nearly-desperate desire to get married and a postcard image of a husband, wife and two or three children?

Let’s start this conversation here and now.  How have churches made you feel comfortable?  How have they made you feel extremely uncomfortable based on your marital status?  And would the church you currently attend make you feel welcome if they knew you were single, cohabitating or divorced?

Is there a topic you would like to see covered in Single in the Sanctuary?  Let me know your interest below.

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Finding the Grace in Divorce

10 Tuesday Mar 2015

Posted by mictori in Church Life, Life, Pop, Pop Culture, Religion

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Tags

Abraham and Hagar, divorce, Grace, Hagar banished, Ishmael, Malachi 2, progressive Christianity, Tamar rape

Abraham banishes Hagar and Ishmael; Sarah and Isaac look on. Engraving by R. Parr after G. Hoet. Iconographic Collections

In seminary I researched the Malachi 2:13-16 text:

“And this you do as well: You cover the Lord’s altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor at your hand.  You ask, ‘Why does he not?’ Because the Lord was a witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.  Did not one God make her? Both flesh and spirit are his. And what does the one God desire? Godly offspring. So look to yourselves, and do not let anyone be faithless to the wife of his youth. For I hate divorce, says the Lord, the God of Israel, and covering one’s garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So take heed to yourselves and do not be faithless.” (NRSV)

A portion of my work on the Malachi 2 text was studying the word “divorce.”  The Hebrew word for divorce as seen in Malachi 2 is found two other places: when Abraham banishes Hagar and Ishmael into the wilderness and when David’s son Amnon throws David’s daughter Tamar out after he rapes her.

Divorce in those cases has to do with one person who has the privilege (usually the man in Biblical times) not taking care of the other person, leaving them destitute in body, mind and soul.  Likewise, the Malachi text pertains to abandoning one’s wife and leaving her to survive with little resources.

Divorce happens.  Sure, God dislikes divorce – nobody likes divorce.  We don’t head into marriage expecting that our covenant will end.  We truly hope that our marriages and relationships will triumph over the statistics.

But sometimes, divorce is inevitable.  The covenant is broken through abuse, infidelity and other trust issues.  Sometimes, after much counseling, a couple will divorce because the relationship is no longer healthy.  People will change over the years, and couples will try their hardest to make the relationship work, but in the end will find peace in the dissolution of the marriage.

Yet there can be faithfulness even in divorce.  When we see divorced couples working together for the sake of their children or amicably splitting property in divorce settlements, we see two people loving God and neighbor the best they can through a challenging time.

Lastly, God gives grace in divorce.  God wants us to find happiness and mercy in our lives, and I believe God wants us to abide in hope and find love again.  Even in the case of Abraham and Hagar, both were given God’s gift of descendants through both Isaac and Ishmael.  We will find that blessings in our lives as well.

A prayer for those divorcing or divorced:

God of the coupled and uncoupled,
You sit with us in the shadows of our souls.
Your hope feeds us and your grace quenches our thirst,
And through your nourishment, we find movement towards tomorrow.

Bless those who are currently journeying through the wilderness of divorce.
Help them to see their estranged spouse as a person created in your image.
Bless their efforts in amicable settlements and custody arrangements.
Help them find new ways of being family, even if family has taken a new form.

God, we know your grace is always pouring upon us
And so we ask that you help us see that grace
In the moments when hope seems far
And shame seems too close to us.

Amen.

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A Prayer for the Lone Ones on Valentine’s Day

14 Saturday Feb 2015

Posted by mictori in Current Events, Holidays, Life, Pop, Pop Culture, Religion

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

divorce, Prayer, progressive Christianity, Single, Singlehood, Valentine's Day, Widowed, widows

imageAs someone who often writes on marital status and the church, I feel it necessary to remember those who endure Valentine’s Day on their own.  People splash their privilege of dates and gifts on social media leaving others to feel even more isolated and expendable.  From my experience, Valentine’s Day gives privilege to the haves – whether it’s haves of money or love.  During the many years when I was single on Valentine’s Day, my soul felt so insignificant.  Now that I do have a Valentine with whom I can share my day and my heart, I feel blessed but I must still remember the loneliness that this day will bring many, and urge all of us to send our love to those who struggle today.

God of the broken hearts
And the lonely souls,
On this day reserved for those “loved”
Those who seem so “whole”
Give us the peace of knowing we are complete.

Just as we are.
Today.

On this life-long journey
We wander in the wilderness, sometimes.
And sometimes, we wander that wilderness alone.

We set aside our celebrations
Of pink and red and sparkles
To give our hearts to those who dwell in solitude.
May they discover joy outside of the expectations
That this day brings
And in spite of the chocolates and roses and dinners by candlelight.

For those whose singlehood is new
After a recent break in their lives
God, fill their hearts with peace
And may they see the expanding lights of hope.

For those who have been single year after year
In the shadow-filled tunnels of silence-
Those who wonder when their turn at love will arrive
And feel trapped in exile-
Open their hearts to all possibilities.
Guide them out of the wilderness.

For those who have lost loves to death
And their person abides on that side of heaven,
Uplift their spirits.
Take away the pangs of grief.
Bring light into their lives again.

For those who ache
Wondering if their love will last,
Spark their hearts with the flame of renewal
And may love rise from the ashes.

On this human-created day where some have so much
and others are empty,
Scatter your energy around, God,
So that hope abounds
And joy will be embraced again.

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Everyday Apocalypses

29 Tuesday Jul 2014

Posted by mictori in Life, Poetry, Pop, Pop Culture, Religion

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Tags

apocalypse, apocalyptic, death, divorce, illness, Infertility, Jesus, progressive Christianity, rapture, revelations, separation, zombies

From the lips of the doctor
came the earth-shaking gong
of terrifying news-
only days, only months-
unending, unceasing, unrelenting pain.

Gazing at the fresh grave of a spouse
or partner
or friend-
tomorrow doesn’t matter.

One line, not two
on the pregnancy test
for the seventh month in a row.
The empty womb weeps.

In the words
separation
divorce

his house has been destroyed.

As we wait for Jesus, or zombies, or the rapture-
water turning to blood, planets colliding-
we meet our demise in the quiet of everyday.

 

20140728-164621.jpg

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Are We Helping the “Widows”?

06 Wednesday Nov 2013

Posted by mictori in Current Events, Life, Pop, Pop Culture, Religion

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Tags

divorce, God, God's call, orphans, single moms, welfare, widows

Do we really help the widows and orphans?

Now let me reframe who today’s widows are: single moms/parents.  Any of them.  They could have become a single parent because of the death of spouse, divorce or experiencing a unplanned pregnancy.  Orphans are kids who have lost a parent or both parents, kids who have minimal relationship with or who are minimally provided for by a parent, or kids are estranged from parents.

People of all political perspectives will donate food over and over again to make sure they have food.  I’m just wondering if we need to do more to make sure that the system is fair?  What steps are we missing so that they can have a life of joy?

Today’s widows often feel shame when they have to go on welfare/food stamps/Medicaid.  Many don’t believe that they would face a time when they would need government assistance.  Political pundits keep making them feel “less than.”  Politicians keep voting for them to receive less and less aid.

To some, taking care of the widows and orphans has become an optional faith mandate.

Shame and guilt and cutting programs doesn’t really help the widows and orphans.  Food helps some on a shorter-term basis.  (If someone has a disability, they should receive assistance to live, but that’s another blog for another time.)

When it comes down to taking care of those who struggle, I think there’s something greater: helping them live into God’s call for them.

Single moms often don’t have child care or health care or money to go back to school to strengthen their future and acknowledge God’s call.  When their child gets sick, the child MUST go home from school or daycare.  Who takes care of them?  The widow is forced to miss a day of work or school.  Such circumstances requires them to leave their achievements and God’s call behind.

The Bible says over and over and over again to take care of the widows and orphans.  It’s time we truly take care of them by walking along side of them and helping them grasp God’s dream for their lives.  If you want women to get off welfare: create a system where they can do what’s need to achieve their degrees.  Create daycare options where working moms can drop off their sick child for a day.  Do not have “points” systems at work so that a widow will go on probation if she has to miss a day of work to take care of her child.

As a single woman without children, it’s tough enough to make sure I have the energy and resources to follow God’s call.  I can’t imagine what it would be like for a woman with children.  So maybe it’s time for all of us to work together to make sure this mandate of “caring for the widows and orphans” actually takes place.*

*And please don’t play the blame game and say “having a child out of wedlock was their choice when they had sex.”  Seriously?  Like most people haven’t made those choices at some point?  Some just have the privilege of birth control and great support systems.

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Shame is Humanity’s Worst Illness

20 Thursday Jun 2013

Posted by mictori in Current Events, Life, Music, Pop, Pop Culture

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Tags

divorce, Grace, guilt, Kate Winslet, Melissa Etheridge, Mercy, Michelle Torigian, motherhood, New Testament, progressive Christianity, shame, Stephen Patterson, stigma, woman at the well

Recently, Melissa Etheridge called out Angelina Jolie’s choice to have a double-mastectomy as “fearful.” Etheridge commented that nutrition and stress cause cancer to begin in the body.

Unfortunately, Etheridge did nothing to help the stigma that already comes with cancer. Sure, not all cancers have stigmas. But when we hear that someone has cancer, often the first thing that comes to our mind was “they took care of themselves” or “they didn’t take good enough care of themselves.”

Through Ethridge’s words, shame was imposed upon someone else’s tough choice.

Shame and stigma seeps into each part of our daily lives, from our meal choices, to how we parent, to how we schedule our day.

According to the Bible, it didn’t take humans long to experience shame. Just one mistake and shame became so embedded in their souls. They experienced the shame even before God called them out on their actions.

Life is full of regrets. Of course, we should always continue to reevaluate our actions to make sure we aren’t damaging our neighbors, creation or ourselves. But, at some point, shame becomes so deeply a part of who we are that it holds us back from enjoying life and relationships.

As we continuously live under the umbrella of shame, whether our own or the shame we impose on others, we will never find the good enough in our lives. There is no room for grace or mercy. There is only room to live in perfection.

Perfection will never happen.

Jesus tried to banish shame when he touched the unclean. Yet, that message has not stuck well with Christians. If it had, people wouldn’t look down upon those with HIV/AIDS, STD’s or a variety of other “lifestyle” acquiring diseases. Jesus showered the woman at the well with grace and, yet, we manage to continue to shame people who have had divorces or multiple marriages. (Take for instance a comment recently made about Kate Winslet on being pregnant with her third child by a third husband.)

I remember in my seminary New Testament class with Stephen Patterson that he mentioned disease was the physical ailment and illness was the social stigma that accompanied many illnesses. While we may not look at the exact same things as unclean in the 21st century, we still have shame and stigmas associated with behavior and appearances.

Does it matter that someone had a child out of wedlock or got divorced? Does it matter that the person at the fast food restaurant is overweight? Does it matter that someone caught an illness because of an action or choice they made? Why do we shame women who breast feed or don’t breast feed? Why do we shame women for becoming stay-at-home moms or working full time? (And why is so much shame pour out on women?) Isn’t it tough for each of us to live day-to-day that maybe we should grant others a little bit of grace and mercy that we, ourselves, have also received?

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Sermon: Clean or Unclean? We’re All One.

16 Sunday Jun 2013

Posted by mictori in Current Events, Life, Pop Culture, Religion

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Clean, discrimination, divorce, Galatians 2, homophobia, Jesus, LGBT, Luke 7, Luke 8, Martin Luther King Jr., Michelle Torigian, race, racism, segregation, Sermon, St. Paul United Church of Christ, UCC, Unclean

This sermon was delivered at St. Paul United Church of Christ, Old Blue Rock Road, Cincinnati on June 16, 2013.

Luke 7:36-8:3
Galatians 2:11-21

Back in 1963, Martin Luther King Jr. said that the 11 o’clock hour on Sunday morning is the most segregated time of the week. People of different races, ethnic groups attend their own churches. People of various political or theological views also huddle together in their own faith communities.

Even in a 2012 article, it was found that only seven percent of churches with less than 1,000 attendance are multiracial.

We think we’ve come far in this world. No more segregated water fountains. Interracial couples are legally allowed to marry all over our country where it wasn’t legal a few decades earlier. Yet, very often people of a certain color live in one neighborhood while another race lives in a separate area. And, like in 1963, we still celebrate God in very different spaces.

People always use scripture or faith to find ways to separate the “us” from “them” and to distance themselves from “the other.” Back in the 1800’s people used to scripture and faith to justify both slavery and abolition. Texts from Ephesians 6 and Titus 2 were used to affirm slavery whereas proponents of abolition looked at the ongoing Biblical themes of justice and equality to affirm their stance. Still today, there are multiple issues that one side affirms with Scripture as the other side opposes the issue with Scripture as well. And this keeps our communities divided and ever so segregated.

Why do we have this mentality of us versus them? Of course, it’s not new.

In the gospel reading from Luke, we see Jesus eating with a Pharisee. So, yes, Jesus associated with those with greater societal standing. And then a woman who the world sees as the “other” or somehow “less than” comes in and showers Jesus with attention. Jesus affirms that he experiences more love and hospitality from the woman with the lesser reputation than the Pharisee with the better reputation.

We don’t know much about this woman except that she was a sinner. We don’t know what type of sins she engaged in. They could be referring to her more as a law-breaker rather than a sinner. But wasn’t the Pharisee a sinner too?

The Luke text reminds us that Jesus associated with all types of people: women, the unclean, those who were sick. In fact, he didn’t just hang out with them, but he touched them when healing. He allowed them to touch him too. Whether it was touching dead corpses, people with leprosy or the woman with the hemorrhage, when Jesus came in touch with these people, he became unclean like them – at least according to Jewish Law. Scripture never says he went through purification rituals each evening. As our Wednesday study class had learned the other night from the Saving Jesus Redux video, Jesus had become unclean to relate and save the unclean.

If anyone was allowed to be judgmental, it was Jesus. But even Jesus wasn’t that judgmental about sins. He focused his life and ministry on showing love and grace.

In the reading from Paul’s letter to the Galatians, Cephas used to eat with the uncircumcised Gentiles even though he was circumcised. Cephas would eat with those who followed very different food rules.

Then James and the group who followed the law, the Jewish members of the early Jesus movement, came back into town. In order to keep people happy or to have people continue to like them, Cephas and Barnabas ditched their relationships with the Gentiles. This is when Paul confirms that there is something greater that the law that some of them followed: grace. Through that grace, both Jews and Gentiles learn to place their differences aside.

During the first century, people segregated themselves because of their rituals and food choices. Sixty years ago it was water fountains and eating spaces. What are today’s issues?

This gives us the opportunity to ask ourselves from whom would 21st century Christians divide themselves and who would Jesus hang out with today? Those who have engaged in drug use in their past? Those who swear? Our gay brothers and sisters? Interfaith or interracial couples? Those who pass a hungry man on the street? Those who own guns? Those who are against guns? Democrats? Republicans? Liberals? Conservatives? Divorced people or people who live together before they’re married? Maybe all of the above???

Wherever Jesus was, it was probably one of the least segregated places in Israel because people from different groups of people wanted to hear about love and grace. They wanted to experience healing. And Jesus himself hung out with both the Pharisees and the unclean. If Jesus showered all sorts of people with love instead of intense judgment, should we do the same?

We may not agree with our neighbors on how they live their lives. As individuals, we each build our moral codes based upon how we relate Scripture to our sense of reasoning, experience and traditions. And we don’t see Scripture, reason, experience and tradition in the same ways. But we aren’t necessarily given a free pass to shun people just because our faith and their faith doesn’t line up. Just the opposite. We are called to be in the presence of those with whom we would never intend to associate.

Jesus was one who prioritized relationships over rules. He healed the sick on the Sabbath, touched the unclean making himself unclean and ate with all sorts of people. Might Jesus be asking us to place our relationships with others over legalism and minute differences? If Jesus, who some think was perfect, was able to associate with all sorts of people and become unclean to be like them, then we who are definitely not perfect are absolutely called to associate with other imperfect people. And as for me, I’ve experienced some of the greatest hospitality and unconditional love from those who many people consider “unclean” in our society.

The way we each look at faith, at our beliefs are going to be different. At a church like ours, it’s not what you believe because, let’s face it, we’re across the board. And thank God we’re not told what to believe. But even when we are different and we’re individuals, we’re still part of the body of Christ. We’re not called to agree with one another but be one in Christ. We are still in covenant with one another even as we live autonomously. There is the Great Connection, and whether we see it on this side of heaven or that side of heaven, we will see that all of us are loved by God and called to do the same.

So as we go forward in asking ourselves “Where is God calling us” do we need to ask ourselves who is God calling us to invite and include? Are we needing to reflect on who we include and reach out to? What would this church look like if it were filled with those who are so different than us? This would be scary – – yet how would this help us to grow and live out the great commission that the Spirit has be nudging Christians to do for centuries?

As we abide in this most segregated hour of the week, let us find ways to bridge the great divide as there is no longer slave or free, male or female, clean or unclean, us or them, but, instead, one in Christ. Amen.

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It “Sucks”… Authentic Expression of Pain

22 Friday Mar 2013

Posted by mictori in Life, Pop, Pop Culture, Television

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

death, divorce, Grey's Anatomy, grief, illness, losing loved ones, lost job, pain, Psalm 22, Psalm 88, sucks

Yes, to some of you, the word “sucks” is edgy.  Some will find this word and even this post offensive.  I hope others find grace in the way they express themselves.  My intention is not to offend but to help people find words for their pain.

On Thursday’s Grey’s Anatomy, a school teacher was dealing with her ill health.  This was a teacher whose students very much viewed her in high regard and missed her when she wasn’t in class.  She would correct her students when using certain terms, like “sucks.”   But when her students left the room, it was her time to process the terminal cancer diagnosis.  In verbalizing her pain and health challenges, she couldn’t help but use a certain word: “We don’t say ‘sucks.’  But this sucks.”

Growing up, my dad always hated the use of the word “sucks.”  So it wasn’t a term we used very often.  Somewhere in the back of my head, I still think of the word as derogatory language.

But I wonder if limiting ourselves of the words we use to express our deepest pain is doing us an injustice, especially if we use them in safe spaces.  Maybe authentically expressing our grief or pain is what we need to continue moving forward or to process our grief.  Maybe this includes using terms like “this sucks” because, frankly, nothing is closer to the truth when we hurt.

When someone hits a rough point of their lives, I sometimes have nothing else I want to say except “it sucks.”  To me, there are few words that can really embrace a low moment in our lives.

I get sad when people try to edit themselves around me because they know I’m a pastor.  Instead of being authentic and expressing their emotion in real ways, they avoid using curse words or talking about edgy parts of their lives.  What if you knew that your pastor would be fine with whatever words you need to use?  Would you be more open to expressing yourself?  How would this help you move forward in your life?

Lamenting is real.  Pain is real.  What do you want to say when you hurt horribly?

When a member of your family dies or your pet has to be put to sleep, it sucks.

When you lose a job, it sucks.

When you are diagnosed with a serious illness, it sucks.

When you have lost a relationship, it sucks.

I would rather hear someone try to comfort another person with “it sucks” because saying things like “it happens for a reason” or “God has a plan” doesn’t really affirm a person’s pain.  It’s just very unorthodox for a pastor or Christians to use curse words or edgy terms to affirm one’s grief.  But shouldn’t we be real about how we feel?  And shouldn’t I sit with you in that pain and affirm your difficulties in life?

Some may think this is taking the Lord’s name in vain, but I’m not using words that attack another human or speaking horrific words on behalf of God.  I’m trying to take the pain we see in Psalm 22:1 or Psalm 88 and give it 21st century words.

And, with me, it’s always a safe space to use the words that describe the pain in your hearts.

Are you challenged by this language?  Do you agree with these words?  Voice your thoughts below.

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