Category Archives: Church Life

Today I Wear Black – Advent Reflection 14

18 Thursday Dec 2014

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imageInstead of the sparkly gold
Or sequenced green
Or metallic red sweaters
I wear black.

I wear black to remember the lives of
Michael and Tamir and Rumain and John and Eric
And so many other names we know
And don’t know.

I wear black to remember my sisters
Killed by their “loves” within their homes
Or on their way to work
Or any other space intimate violence happens.

I wear black to remember the sexual violence
In college dorm rooms
And young adult apartments
And cars
And parks
And through purchases
Because, apparently, people can still be bought and sold.

I wear black to remember all those who died in war-
Some wars less just than others.
And to defy the justification of torture.
And I wear black remembering the ones who came back
But parts of their bodies and souls were missing.

I wear black to remember those in Connecticut,
The classroom which buzzed with six-year-olds now silent
And how two years later peace is anything but silent.

I wear black to remember the ones who died this week
Or last week
And every single loved one who cries tonight
And on Christmas morning,
As they gaze upon the Christmas gifts that will remain unopened
Because a loved one is gone.

I wear black to remember the ones who mourn their relationship
A divorce.  A breakup.
A tear in the heart.
They live a new life, but old memories linger.

I wear black to remember those living in constant pain
Their bodies revolt against them.
It’s their necks, or backs, or knees or feet.
But the pain will never go away.

I wear black to remember those living their last Christmas
And those who “celebrate” with them,
Wondering how they can make this one special
Even after the terminal news.

I wear black to remember those who live in shadows
Who face the dread of depression
The shakes of anxiety
The roller coasters of bipolar
And each mental health challenge they may not mention aloud.

I wear black to remember those who are in the night of their lives-
A very long night-
Whose exile extends for days
And who will wander in the wilderness longer than expected.

Darkness is not darkness to God.
May our evenings be as bright as daytime.
May we find beauty in the nighttime of our souls
And in the areas void of light.

May we wear red metallic
And the green sequins
And sparkly gold sweaters
Next year.

The Distraction of Justifying Our Help

14 Sunday Dec 2014

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givingThis time of year charities collect monies to help our fellow sisters and brothers in need receive food, clothing and other items they may be missing in order to have a Merry Christmas.

For many, many years, I have heard the following in conversations when collecting goods and monies:

This person deserves it because they are trying to find a job.
This person deserves it because they work 60 hours a week and still can’t buy their children gifts.
This person’s spouse died and their family needs the help.

People love to give to others who seem to be the rule-followers, who seem to behave just like they do.  On the other hand, people in generational poverty, single moms, divorced parents, addicts and others who are not working are judged for their place in this world, their “lifestyles” and their perceived lack of initiative.  When it comes down to individuals giving, people like to sort out their giving based on who deserves it more.  I suppose it’s because, according to American society, people who we can see trying to make their lives better deserve more help than the ones who seem “lazy”.

We justify our giving based on the types of hardships people have and how much work they are doing to “pull themselves up by their own bootstraps.”  More often than not these days, I hear of people giving reasons why they are helping this group and not that organization, and it often has to do with the quality and quantity of the recipients’ work.  Likewise, organizations and churches will also vet who will receive toys and other care items.

Jesus once tried to justify his giving.  “Let the children be fed first, for it is not fair to take the children’s food and throw it to the dogs,” he said to the Gentile woman who looked and acted differently than him.

But this woman wouldn’t let him justify any further: “‘Sir, even the dogs under the table eat the children’s crumbs.’” (Mark 7, NRSV)

The one time Jesus actually tried to rationalize his giving, he was corrected.  At least in the book of Mark, this narrative seemed to be the last time Jesus ever tried to justify help.  He never claimed that some weren’t worthy of healing.  He just healed – no matter what they looked like or how they sinned.  Jesus fed the multitude without concerning himself that some didn’t deserve food.

What if we were more like Jesus, open to all and providing for others without concerning ourselves whether or not someone warrants a donation?  And yet, we still ask:

Why should we give help to the parents who don’t work instead of the parents who work three jobs?
Why should we give help to the single mom who has a cell phone or internet at home (both which are needed to find a job)?
Why should we give help to the woman with seven children at home?

When you work in non-profits, you often see the nuances in life experiences of those in need.  Just because a single mom doesn’t work does not mean that she is being lazy.  There’s a great chance that she is suffering from a physical disability that prohibits her from working on her feet 40 hours a week or the 70 hours she needs to take care of herself and her children.

Because of a broken economical system, she may not be able to afford childcare even while 40-plus hours per week.  It’s much cheaper for her to live with government assistance than trying to pay for childcare and work full-time.

I’ve met many women who had stayed at home taking care of children for many years.  After the divorce, their self-esteem was shaky and their way of living changed drastically.  Many wanted to go back into the workforce, but being a stay-at-home mom left gaps in their resume, creating a challenge when finding a job.  Thus, taking a job took longer for many of these parents.

When someone has a mental illness or an addiction, it truly makes holding a job more difficult.  It can also mean that people are forced to live without a home.

We don’t know what it’s like to live in their shoes.  But any of these things could happen to us.  Easily.

So please, for the sake of every human on this earth and Jesus the Christ, the person in whose name we celebrate Christmas, let’s stop justifying our giving.

Let’s give to the people who seem to be “slacking,” no questions asked.
Let’s give to the people who reveal their struggles with physical issues, even though they seem well on the outside.
Let’s give to the people whose skin color or family structure looks differently than ours.
Let’s be more like Jesus – open to all – and non-discriminatory in our giving.

Because, tomorrow, we may become the people we judge today… no matter how hard we work now, no matter how much we love our spouse or children, no matter how well we play by society’s rules.

Advent Prayer Day 9 – For the Reproductive Losses

09 Tuesday Dec 2014

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God, I don’t know what to say
To the couple who can’t have a baby
Even though they’ve been trying for four years.
I don’t know how to comfort the friend
Who had one, or three, or five miscarriages.
I don’t know how to support my loved ones
Whose adoption fell through.

How to I approach the friend
Who gave birth to a stillborn child,
Who felt the child move kick?
What words will bring her a sense of comfort
And give strength to her partner?

These losses mount up, God.
They are losses I’ve never experienced
But the pain radiates from their eyes
And I have a sense that they’ll be in pain
Even though they laugh.
Even when they seem fine.
Even after they’ve stopped talking about it.

Telling them that their child is “better off”
Or “there’s a reason”
Or “God needed another angel”
Will absolutely tear their souls.

There are no words that will cover their pain
But by just being there-
Even in silence and words unspoken-
May bring the daybreak of peace.

Help us be your presence to women and men
Facing the empty wombs of life.

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Advent Prayer Day 8 – Remembering the Caregiver

09 Tuesday Dec 2014

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advent 8 caregiverGod of the weak bodies and tough souls,
Those we love are hurting.
We lift more than our arms can bear.
We feed more than our bowls can hold.

Place the oxygen mask on yourself
Before placing it on the person next to you.

God, I forget this.
I rush to fill my loved one’s lungs and soul with energy
While mine slowly drifts away.

The bags settle under my eyes
After many nights with little sleep.
I forget what a full night’s rest is like.

I’m becoming… impatient…
Irritable…
The worst possible version of myself
(Even as I’m lovingly caring for the one I love).

But I must continue on…
For him… for her…
She needs me… He’s calling.

I’m exhausted, God.

Fill my body with the love
And hope
And spirit
And strength it needs
To carry on, to carry another.

Advent Prayer Day 7 – The Cry of Generation X

07 Sunday Dec 2014

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imageGod, they called us slackers
And those without direction
And angsty
As if Wynona or Kurt spoke for all of us.
Maybe they did… a little.

We wondered when the world would blow up
Who would send the missiles first-
Us versus them.
There’s still a piece of our souls
That cringe when we hear “war” or “bombs” or “nuclear.”

It’s the end of the world as we know it…
But we couldn’t tell if we felt fine,
Or if we didn’t.  Meh.

Maybe it was melancholy that we became accustomed to.
Maybe we stopped hoping.

And yet, we weren’t slacking
We’re just trying to listen for our call
To know where to go
And embracing meaning in everything we do.

We worked.
We kept moving forward.
Moving through the motions as we waited for life to start
Or end.

We couldn’t be as cool as the generation before
Or the generation after.
We’re the middle child, living in the shadow of our older brother Boomer
And eclipsed by our younger sister Millennial.

We are the generation in the wilderness
Wondering if we’ll make it into the promised land.
From crisis to crisis
Our story is a journey
Never a destination.

Sometimes, God, it was tough to find you
And we lost some sisters and brothers along the way.

And now, as adults,
We only know resilience in despair’s face.
We lament, God, as we may never understand our true purpose
Or accomplish what we had hoped for.

Now in the early evening of our lives,
We wonder if we’ll live the dream
Or continue to move through the motions.

 

Advent Prayer Day 2 – World AIDS Day

01 Monday Dec 2014

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God of beautifully broken bodies,
Of days of health
And nights of fevers,
We lament the loved ones lost
From complications to AIDS.

For those who watched friend after friend after friend die
In ’85 or ’87 or ’91.
For those wondering how they are still alive 30 years later.

Because of pills and procedures
Life doesn’t end with a diagnosis,
A gift of modern medicine.

For those who can’t afford medications,
Who must choose between food
And medical bills
And other bills
And pills.

For our sisters and brothers around the world,
Those who don’t have western privilege
And first world medicine
And for the orphans and widows of this disease.

For those today who must wait twenty minutes to see if they have HIV-
Those twenty… long… minutes… of waiting, and worrying.
For those who will be in shock when hearing the word POSITIVE,
Requiring follow up medical care,
And for their bodies trying to adapt to new medications.

For those whose results allow them to move forward like nothing happened,
And for those whose negative means living life as if they could not catch it.

For those who still work to keep the stigma alive-
Attribute the disease to certain behaviors,
And certain people,
Disregarding the thought that when one person in the Body of Christ has a disease
All have it.
Forgetting that those who are negative pose more of a health risk
As the healthy bear germs that could kill an immune-resistant love one.
May they see that all of us are made in God’s image.
May their hearts and mind turn around.

And may all of us know the abundance of God steadfast grace,
Transmitting that love to all we meet.

The Church Building Challenge

28 Tuesday Oct 2014

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At noon, I entered a church around the corner that was about to be auctioned. The building was small – a sanctuary, bathrooms, a couple of closets, a small fellowship room, kitchenette and what could be used an office. According to websites, the starting bid was around $100,000.

As I looked around the building, I noticed hymnals still in the pews. A floral arrangement decorated the front of the church. Tracts expressing a theology that seemed foreign to me were stacked in a wall display. Fliers still hung on bulletin boards. It was a “ghost church” – a church that was once alive but now was a merely a shell which no longer held life and energy.

It was sad to enter this church and look around at the pulpit knowing a pastor had preached his last sermon there, people were baptized in their pool behind the pulpit and that dreams of a new ministry may have dwindled. But I didn’t know their stories. Besides seeing the church’s Facebook page which hadn’t been updated since January 29 of this year, little was available about the recent life of the church.

I overheard the realtor handling the auction saying that no other churches had come forward as interested in purchasing the building and property. So I asked him a little more about this. He said that for some churches who were growing, this was not an ideal space – too small. It sounded like churches were looking for spaces that tapped into their potential.

After my tour around the building, I left before the auction itself could take place. Because of my departure, I never heard what had happened during the auction, if anyone bid or who would be moving into the former church.

This is another piece of the larger picture of churches and buildings. What are some recent churches you know that have moved from their building as their membership drastically changed? How were their buildings no longer serving their mission, vision and purpose? How much did it take for the congregation to arrive at the decision that the building no longer fit their identity or who God was calling them to be? And how much grieving did each of these churches need to endure when leaving behind this concrete part of their past while moving into the future courageously and with the wisdom of God?

When families grow, they purchase a home that fits their growing family. When a couple are empty nesters, they will often sell their house to move to something smaller. When a person is no longer able to climb the stairs in their homes, they move into a home which accommodates their accessibility. When our finances change, we move to residences that we can afford. So why aren’t the reasons a congregation possesses or releases a church building similar to the reasons an individual or family buys and sells a house or condominium?

While we are attached to our homes, I believe we are more attached to our church buildings. These are the places where the highest and lowest moments of our lives occur: weddings, funerals, baptisms, confirmations, etc. The reason we keep a building is not often practical or even spiritual but emotional. How do we transform our way of thinking so that churches look at church buildings as a means of doing ministry rather than our greatest achievement and acquisition of ministry?

A Life of Baby Steps

06 Monday Oct 2014

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In the late 1970’s, there was a six-year-old girl who was afraid of everything. From going down slides to walking down stairs to taking an escalator to approaching dogs, life scared her and fed into her perpetual sense of unease.

Then one day, while sitting in a restaurant somewhere in the southwestern United States, this six-year-old’s tooth became loose. Not only did unease fill her body, but her heart started beating fast, she began to hyperventilate and her appetite ceased to exist.

Throughout the summer, panic came over her body before almost every meal and, often, out of nowhere. Life for this little girl changes from her semi-anxious state to deep fear and her yearning to leave her own body.

As time went on, this little girl had no idea how to articulate her panic to her family. “My stomach hurts,” she would say to her parents. “I don’t feel like eating tonight.” Her parents became more and more concerned as her tiny little frame continued to shrink. While she was able to eat small portions, her weight dropped. Doctors could only medicate the symptoms – usually some type of green liquid stomach medication. Eventually, her sleep was affected as well, waking up as early as 4:30 or 5 a.m. with the dry heaves and trembling body.

Panic and anxiety attacks were her norm. She never knew how to relax herself. She didn’t know how to escape this inner turmoil. But even though her body was ridden with panic and anxiety, she missed a total of a half a day of school from her illness. She knew how to live with anxiety and panic disorders.

For many years, no one ever knew about this…

This is my story.

***

Granted, it’s been well over 30 years since my first attack. I’ve learned how to live and function as needed with these disorders. Yet, life has not been easy. I never knew how to articulate myself to my family, and I often lived in a state of deep discomfort. It’s taken many baby steps to do the small tasks many people have no problem to undertake.

As I like to say: one small step for a human is a giant leap for my kind.

I’ve been fortunate to have been able to adapt to my mental health issues. Panic and anxiety do not hamper my job, but my relationship with these mental health issues continues to be a lifelong journey.

In my case, I’m blessed. It rarely, if ever, holds me back. I suppose having to live with these conditions as a small child afforded me the opportunity to adapt. Granted, I still have problems driving over huge bridges (like the Sunshine Skyway in Florida). Unlike most of you reading this, I must take baby steps in order to feel comfortable undertaking certain activities. Yes, this makes me quirky, but aren’t we all?

I never plan on riding a roller coaster. Thinking about skydiving makes my palms sweat. But these are activities that I never have to do. While I have minimal problems flying domestically, taking a flight over to Europe may require me to learn how to relax myself on the eight to ten hour flight. I still plan on taking this trip because my desire to live a full life in the face of these struggles is my goal and my hope.

Even though I’ve faced these issues, I love to take on projects, and panic and anxiety have never held me back from much. I can lead organizations, speak in public and be successful in whatever I choose to achieve. I do think in accepting a lifestyle of baby steps and living a full life with panic and anxiety disorders has made me the person I am today. I have become a person of grace and understanding. I know that I am never defined by this one weakness. But just like everyone has one or two burdens to bear in their lives, this is mine.

Unfortunately, there are loved-ones of ours who have half-lives because of mental health issues. There are people who rarely leave their homes and are unable to work. How can we make our systemic health care issues more manageable for everyone?

Keeping our silence is isolating. I kept a small piece of Dramamine with me when I was in high school, just in case I felt a panic attack coming on. My friends never knew. Only a few in my family were aware of my struggle. The first time I admitted it to a friend, I was 19 years old. The first time I met someone else who had panic attacks as a child, I was 28 years old. It was an illuminating moment to realize that I was not the only person to struggle with childhood anxiety and panic. It also made me realize that this is an illness that needs more attention. I thank friends of mine who have gone public about their mental health issues. Their courage to tell their story is what leads me to write this post today.

There is huge amounts of shame talking about this. I’ll say it – I’m a total overachiever, and I care what others think. I never want to admit that I have any sort of life weakness. As I type this, I feel extremely vulnerable and am second-guessing this post. But this is no longer just about me…

Today I decided to end the silence to help young people struggling with these issues. Children should never have to struggle in silence. The stigma is decreasing, and more help is available than when I was a six-year-old child. Granted, I’m sure some people may be shocked to read my story. But I felt that my silence only continues to feed the childhood struggle with mental health issues.

At six-years-old, I wish that I could have articulated my struggle. I wish I could have told people the issues I faced. I wish that I could have been bolder throughout the years and become an advocate for childhood mental illness. Today, I feel like I’m taking the first step in this advocacy. Will you join me to stand up for the children who can’t articulate this struggle? If you are a parent or guardian of a child who exhibits symptoms of anxiety, how can you help your child name her or his issues?

Finally, I am grateful for the Biblical witness of Mary Magdalene. As a woman with seven demons, her life was not over. Jesus gave her the chance to be the first person to share the good news of the resurrection. No matter if was panic disorder, anxiety attacks, depression, bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, Jesus still called her to be a leader in the early church. Likewise, there is a future for all people who struggle with any type of mental health issues, including panic and anxiety disorder. Let us find the peace and healing power of Christ to move forward, knowing that the Divine is with us as we take our baby steps.

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False Church Marketing

29 Monday Sep 2014

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I’ve received multiple maimagerketing pieces from a church expansion in my area.  The church prides itself on welcoming people just as they are – no matter who they are.  They want to get to know their visitors’ authentic selves.

Do they really?

So I went to their website and noticed quite a few things that communicates otherwise: sermons that consider being gay a sin… messages that state that living together is wrong… women prohibited from certain leadership roles.

To me, this doesn’t affirm everyone like it says in their marketing pieces.

This is no different than other large churches in our area.  “Come as you are,” they tell us.  But when it comes down to it, their theology is set in stone and not even God Herself could change it.

Listen, I think there’s a good chance that all churches stretch the truth to get people to visit.  But when you tell people that they are welcome like they are and then send various messages that say otherwise, then that is false marketing.  You are not welcome as you are… you are welcome as the person God will transform you to be.

I’m not saying that everyone in our churches will agree with us or like us.  But we deserve to come to a church without feeling spiritual stones being thrown at us- especially when we think the stones won’t be thrown.

What if you could find a church that would welcome you no matter who you love or how you love?  What if you could find a church that would welcome you no matter what your family may look like – even if it means two unmarried adults raising their beautiful children?  What if you could find a church that would want you to be a leader even if you are female?  What if you could find a church that affirms your doubts and allows you to struggle with your agnosticism or even atheism publicly?  Isn’t that worth just as much as smoothies in the middle of worship or a band with hip music?

Wearing blue jeans or coming into church with uncombed hair doesn’t really affirm your disarray.  Celebrating a God that loves your soul just as it is right now – in all its chaos – is worth everything.

In the meantime, I would ask the churches who want gay people to change their sexual orientation, or who shake a finger at couples who intentionally and thoughtfully live together before marriage, or who don’t allow half of the population to hold leadership roles to say so in their marketing.  Stop lying.  Stop bearing false witness to yourselves.  Be real.  Be authentic.  Say it like it is.